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Sense of Self Up for Debate...
July 3, 2007
3:41 pm
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Sakti
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September 27, 2010
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It’s the pits. Due to the choices I’ve made over the past year to stay with my addict husband time and time again after he has gotten high I find myself in this place. Oh life what a gently teacher you are! NOT!!!! One might comment she did pretty well; I did the best I could. Careful Sakti you want to beat yourself up.

He’s clean now and has been for about 2 months. I’m so proud of him and hopeful. Our relationship is a struggle. For the past year I’ve had needs in our relationship that have not been met by him and guess what – he is clean now and they are still not getting met. I realize he is struggling to stay clean and that is what I want, so I’ve decided to give him a break from relationship stuff until later.

Examples: I take things way to personally that he says. Below is a list of things he has said in the past week that are creating new wounds:

You are unstable – that made me numb. Yes, I could very well be a little out of balance with my emotions; however my stability is not up for debate.

Anything you tell me in confidence that could directly affect my parents I will tell them even if you think I’m betraying you. You SOB…This is not about me; this probably comes from issues from his past that need healing.

If you don’t stop talking I could end up getting high in 6 weeks. Said differently; I’m emotional drained can we talk about this later. As soon as he said what he did in this conversation I said he was blaming me if he got HIGH and he said he didn’t have another choice, I said that was manipulation. Bull SHIT…

I believe we are running on fear. We appear to be in a power struggle. I know that the more I try to gain power over what is trying to harm me or attack me or defeat whatever is stopping me from getting what I want. The more power I get and keep getting. Which means the stronger I become. I don’t want this. So last Thursday night the very core of me was screaming ENOUGH and I became silent. He has said a couple of things since then and I’ve said isn’t that interesting.

His MOTHER commented to him that she was worried about my spiritually because I have not been to our spiritual gathering in 2 weeks. That is certainly about her and not me! What the F****K!

Besides all this my pain has been great and what I’ve been to just sit with it and just trust in my journey and the knowing that all of this is in creation of a better me.

Thanks for letting me get this out…any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sakti

July 3, 2007
3:53 pm
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lettingo
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Sakti,

I lived with an alcoholic/addict and I can say, you can feel like you are going crazy!!! Anyone would be UNSTABLE having to live with "it". Does your husband go to 12 steps meeting. Do you attend alanon? I am a very strong believe that both parties should be getting help. Just putting down the drug is just the beginning. I truely believe that even though my ex-h was the one using, I was actually crazy then he was at time. Addiction will make you nuts if you let it! I couldn't take it so I got out. Not any easy choice but since he just couldn't stop, I had to jump ship and save myself. Sorry you are going through this. I truely know the pain of watching someone you love struggel with it. I am glad you recognize his manipulation in him threatening to use.arrrrrggghhh. Just remind him about the three c's, you didn't CAUSE it, can CURE it, and can't CONTROL it!

July 3, 2007
3:57 pm
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Sakti
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Yes, I'm in recovery and go to Ala-non and he goes to meetings or I would have jumped ship two months ago. Thanks for the 3 C's.

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