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Self-esteem..How do you get it?
March 16, 2000
12:22 pm
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troubled
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I have been married for 18 years to a pretty wonderful man.Three years ago I made a huge mistake and had an affair.I came clean to my husband and we did seek marriage counselling...I thought it helped enormously,we both talked about a lot of stuff that we'd kind of buried for a long time.I have recently discovered(just this morning)that my husband is not over it at all.He has become a very,very insecure person and has been hiding his thoughts and feelings for these last three years.I have my own issues and have been using the internet to figure things out...I found out that my husband has been going through everything I've done on the computer and has drawn his own conclusions.After the major fight we got into about privacy and snooping he finally started to open up with me and has told me what a failure he feels,how inadequate he is...how he wears a "mask" for all aspects of his life.Eg..hanging out with friends,working,at home with us.His self esteem is in the toilet.I know that my affair was the catylyst for some of these feelings but I can't be his reason for living(as it were) he needs to have his own center to fall back on...I do.During our fight this morning he mentioned maybe separating...I don't think we should.I think he needs to talk to a professional,I can be here for him but I don't know how to help him...anyone have any ideas?

March 21, 2000
12:04 pm
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KSUE
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You can't help someone get self-esteem. It is some inner strength that you have to find within yourself. My almost ex had an affair on me, and I will never forget the disappionment, the fear, the feelings of inadequecy, the loss. I was told it is like trying to recovery from a death. Because the person you love and trusted is dead (gone) and you have to greive that "death" and go through a mourning period and be angry and finally grow to accept what happend and know that you had nothing to do with the affair. It was the cheater that has the problem, not the faithful partner. After you realize this you can start healing, but it takes alot and if you push him to heal all you do is push him farther away.
KSUE

March 22, 2000
8:28 am
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Cici
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My fiance has similar feelings of inadequacy. I actually cheatd on him in the beginning of our relationship, but I never told him about it and never plan to. It was a one-time thing and my therapist at the time told me it's better to keep these things to yourself, because telling your partner only makes them feel bad about themselves and makes you feel better for unburdening your guilt.

Anyway, I agree with KSUE. You can't make someone have better self-esteem. It's rooted in childhood experiences, family life, past realtionships. These things can't be changed. What can be cahnged is how he copes with his feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes mild to moderate depression, called dysthymia, causes circular negative thinking patterns. People who experience more stress in their lives and experience depression often have problems with mulling over things that have already happened.

I think he should see a counselor privately, that is, by himself. That way he can work on his issues thoroughly.

March 23, 2000
12:58 am
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natural
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you will never be able to let him forget the affair...i mean never!!!.. back to self esteem...he needs to feel like a man again...try your best to make him feel like a man...let him feel he is very wanted by you...and you have to be very patient...and never mention this affair in front of him again...

March 23, 2000
12:58 am
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natural
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September 24, 2010
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you will never be able to let him forget the affair...i mean never!!!.. back to self esteem...he needs to feel like a man again...try your best to make him feel like a man...let him feel he is very wanted by you...and you have to be very patient...and never mention this affair in front of him again...

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