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seeking what may never be found
September 26, 2001
5:05 pm
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pvth
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Let me start by saying thankyou to all of those who take the time to read this. It would help greatly if anyone has suggestions or might be experiencing the same emotional pain. The problem I'm having is with my mother.I love her deerly, but she has never seemed to like me.From as far back as I can remember my mother has told me that we don't get along.I'm not quite sure what I did,but it hurt real bad.I am 37 now and she just never seemed to have time for me emotionally,however she has always helped me financially.I am thankful for that.One time when asked in school what cute nickname was given me as a child I couldn't come up with anything positive.I was called a witch most of the time.All during this time communication was a dirty word in my house.I have a total of 3 siblings.The youngest one receives all my mothers attention.As a young girl my mother used to take my sister on outings,but I was never included.I grew up feeling rejected and isolated.The way I knew how to help myself was to go to school.I was good at that.I have graduated with 2 degrees,but while I was attending school as a single parent, my mother made sure to let me know that I choose to not be a part of the family.Again this was extremely painful.I was doing everything in power to make a better life for my daughter and myself.When I first told her I was enrolled in college she said to me,"Why are you going to college,I know lots of people who have gone to college and they have made nothing of themselves". Great support system huh? Then I was diagnosed at the age of 18 with diabetes.Doctors told me I was two days away from death, but do you think that my mother came to see me? NO.She never even spoke to me while I was in the hospital.Since then it has been very difficult managing the disease.One time when I went to her house I experienced a hypoglycemic(low blood sugar) episode.I was told that I was not welcome at her house if I couldn't control my reactions.Another time I was on my way to see her and I had an accident because of another reaction and when I got to her house in tears I explained the events and instead of receiving a hug or a simple are you o.k. she said to me"What does this mean now,are you going to ruin my day?" She acts as though my diabetes is a major imposition to her.All that I can tell you is that I was a rambunkous young child and my mother has told me that I was always in trouble. Is that why she has no time for me? I could never tell my mother how much she has hurt me because she takes everything as a personal attack.How dare I hurt mom by bringing these things up. I recently did this,but with a very angry tone.I regret not being able to control myself with more maturity, but it has been harboring for years.Now 2 of my three siblings will not speak with me.Mom always seemed to have a way of controlling others.I don't think my mother will ever speak to me again.I feel so very empty and feel I do not know where I belong. Everyone needs to feel connected.Even if that connection was negative at least it was better than nothihg.A sad thought I know.Any wonderful words of wisdom out there?

September 26, 2001
5:34 pm
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Ladeska
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Oh boy......ah yes, I do know how this one feels. Sadly enough, I had to disconnect myself completely from my mother because of her abuse. But, that doesn't have to be your case or anyone else's, just my experience.

At any rate, what's going on here is - she's made a scapegoat out of you for some reason or another. Whatever reason - would have everything to do with her and her own guilt or problems and nothing whatsoever to do with you. Now read that ten times, click your heels together, turn around until you get it....and hopefully - you won't return to Kansas...because "Kansas" will never be what you want it to be, no matter how hard you try to squint and make it "be" that way.

You need boundaries with your mother, girlfriend and you need them like yesterday. Man on man, has she, along with your siblings - successfully pulled off - making you wear everything. Well, every family has one....the assigned dog to kick...unhealthy families that is. They always pick one person that they can all kick and make to blame for everything in order to make their own very sick egos - feel temporarily inflated and better. But, because it is only a temporary fix (their own ego won't generate the real stuff on it's on) then they have to kick you often... So, if you count up the bruises and add them all up - have ya had enuff yet, or do you need to bend over one more time?

I think not, if you're smart that is.. I've never ceased to be amazed at us human beings though. You'd think hitting your head up against a brick wall about 32,000 times in a few years might knock some sense into our heads, but just seems to make us dumber and dumber.... brain damage from impact I suppose. But, if you've been like me - it's hard to see where you're going when you've got your head straight up your butt - trying to figure out how people who aren't capable of loving Anyone in the first place - won't love us???

Well, DUH. It's like the round peg Won't fit - the square hole - try all you want to. Won't fit.

We just get in such a wad after years of "conditioning" that we get in this mind warp of never-never land where we are convinced we are bad little people if we yelp when we are hit in the gut or if we have an opinion or stick up for ourselves and we slink back into our holes and beat ourselves up for having the nerve....

Um.....nooo.... It's high time - you Quit doing this and give everyone notice that your time of being the Voodoo doll that everyone sticks is over. Gig's up. Stick yourselves with your damned little hat pin because you ain't stickin' me with it anymore. Got that?

C'mon, get in the spirit of this over there. (smile) I know I'm popping off, but trying desperately to get you riled up and out of this hypnotic daze of guilt you're in...WAKE UP CALL! Time to pick up the ball....walk over to the fence....and lob it back into the yard it came from...and say - and if you do it again - I'll break your window, your face and that stupid rose bush you're so freaking proud of instead of being proud of me!

Grow some balls, sweetheart. It's time to open up a can whoop-ass and get some of your self-respect back. Maybe you can do it in a much calmer, saner, more politically correct fashion than what I have described here.....(I'm the resident insane person, so I'm allowed) but by all means - just do it, in any fashion that is appropriate. Boundaries....if you want a book about that - go pick up "Boundaries" or order it - by Townsend and Cloud. Good book.

September 26, 2001
6:44 pm
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pvth
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September 26, 2001
6:47 pm
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pvth
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Thanks Ladeska,

Great advice.I know I shouln't go back but it sure is tough when all my other brothers and sisters tell me of their good time with her. Do our mothers share the same rose bush?????
Thanks for the laugh

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