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Seeking Comfort in Wrong Places
October 13, 2003
6:04 am
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lost_one
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Nothing is working in my life. No relation has ever worked in my entire life. I feel lost and and abandoned all the time.

I want to love and be loved. I give and give in my relations and all I get is ingratitude and rejection.

I really longing fro healthy relations. I really want love.

So far I get nothing but loss and emptiness.

October 13, 2003
10:26 am
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Anonymous
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ditto

October 13, 2003
10:31 am
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evi
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Have you found peace inside of yourself, you have to start there. It sounds as though you have not found the person who is worthy of you love, time and devotion. where are you meeting them? A true relationship is a give and take on both sides. How are old you? sorry for all the questions but I would like to help but I feel I need to know just a little more.

October 14, 2003
11:54 am
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lost_one
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Thanks for ur reply.

I am unable to have a healthy relation with someone wo is worthy my love. It seems that I am only good at having relations with those who want to suck life out of me. I feel sorry and angry for who I am.

I am 43 yrs old. I tend to play the role of the rescuer in order to establish a relation with females. I usually thegiving party in my relations.

I would love to have a healthy and fulfilling relation. I hope that I am not too old for that.

October 14, 2003
4:51 pm
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angel1
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Lost one,
I can relate, I'm 44 and all of my relationships have been like that too. In recovery I have learned that it is partly my fault for this I keep picking people like you who I want to fix or rescue and then I loose myself totaly in the relationship begin to feel like they are sufficating me then I feel hurt and betrayed...they are just being who they are, Accepting others for who they are is no easy task and accepting myself for continueing to do the samething over and over is not easy either. I have been affected by alcoholism and this is part of my personality I must learn to accept where I'm at and learn how to take better care of me and learn to set boundaries for myself with other people this is what I work on daily and I am getting better but I still need alot of work in this area...taking care of ourselves is no easy thing to do especially when we love taking care of everyone else instead of ourselves. Growing up is hard and when you are just learning how to do it at the age of 44, it's even harder, we have a hole lot of things to relearn...Angel1

October 14, 2003
4:59 pm
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Zinnie
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I think in order to find healthy relationships, we have to understand what it is that we really need, and want in a relationship.

I also think that we have to be happy with oursevles too, before we can truly be happy in a relationship with another person.

While I was in CA a few weeks ago, my friend came by to visit. Love her to pieces I really do, but she is my age 39, and been married three times, and is already living with another one, and THIS IS THE ONE! When she and I were visiting, my husband called to check on my Dad's health (which why I was out there), and see how I was. Although the conversation was short, we said what needed to be said, and after hanging up with him, I was happy to have talked to him. I have been married to my husband for 14 years. Anyway, my friend that was visiting said "you sound like you are talking to just one of your friends, not your husband, until you mentioned things that needed to be taken care of while you were out of town, and before hanging up said "love you, thanks for calling."

Maybe, long lasting love is... friendship?

Zinnie

October 14, 2003
6:30 pm
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Tweety
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Learn to love yourself first.

October 15, 2003
12:01 pm
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lost_one
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How can I be able to love myself when I get the signals that taking of urself is another way of being selfish.

I feel good when I take care of other people's needs. I even have pleasure out of making my partner enjoying herself in love-making sessions. When I want to be fulfilled, she is not there.

I have only resentment and anger are. That is my destiny in life.

October 15, 2003
1:50 pm
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angel1
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lost one,
Sorry but you sound like you are on the pitty pot...we are the only ones that can get us off of it...not anyone else...we have to sometimes put our foot down to what it is we want and if the other person doesn't respect that maybe they are not the ones for us...we move on...happiness is an inside job...it is up to us to find it..
We would like for our parter to full fill us in our needs but the reality of that is so great that we will be very disappointed if we rely on that. So I have learned to give myself what I want and its not always easy...If I want to be fulfilled I must learn to do it myself with that person...then I don't feel so let down...what ever I seek to make me happy I must find a way to give it to me...Angel1

October 15, 2003
2:10 pm
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lost_one
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Yeah, Angel, I am sooooo pathetic and can not get a good grips on my lost life. Sorry to bother you.

October 15, 2003
2:38 pm
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unhappy camper
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You will hit bottom soon and then you will lift your head up and look around and just simply decide that you are going to face life with a positive attitude and welcome any one new into your life that is healthy in his mind and soul and just have fun with no expectations. Practice on a few guys. Just go out and enjoy yourself. Nothing, nothing...is stopping you. Nothing.
You just give yourself permission to enjoy yourself with someone. After a while, it will feel natural and you can refine your search to seek out characteristics that you desire in a man. Don't accept anyone unhealthy mentally. No addications, no hangups, no depression, etc.

October 15, 2003
3:22 pm
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mj
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Hi Lost One,
YOU are not pathetic, and I really don't think that is the way Angel intended it to me...though I can't speak for her, even if I am trying to.

I have been there, done that. Sometimes I like to blame others for my needs not getting met. I usually find that it is my own issues that are getting in my way.
Don't get discouraged. You will find your way.

October 15, 2003
3:30 pm
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tooscared
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I agree with MJ, Lost One. You are not pathetic, but you are needy right now. And that is ok. You are in need of accepting yourself and loving yourself where you are at and then making changes that will improve your life.

As I was reading, I am under the assumption that you are a man. I think Unhappy Camper was referring to you as a woman, so I may be wrong. But it doesn't matter - we all need to feel important and loved. It has to come from inside first though before you can have a healthy relationship with someone else. You will never be able to give enough or do enough to fill that empty void in yourself. It has to start with you. 🙂

October 15, 2003
3:37 pm
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gingerleigh
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We all get on the pity pot sometimes. The important thing is to recognize that we are there, allow ourselves just a set amount of time to be there, peel ourselves off, rub some calamine lotion on our butts and get back in the game. *grin*

October 15, 2003
3:57 pm
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angel1
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Yes gingerleigh,
I agree we all do go there sometimes, I need someone to point it out to me I don't always know when I'm there. So again (lost one) I wasn't trying to tear you down I was just tying to get you to understand we have to look inside ourselves for what it is we need...Sorry if I didn't make myself clear in what I was trying to say...But I do understand when we are not in a good spot everything seems as though it's an attack on us...I will pray for you...Angel1

October 16, 2003
4:27 am
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lost_one
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Thank you all for your support and encouragement. Your words give me comfort and a push to move on.

I still have no idea how to love me and not to love others. I give love so freely and abundantly that I do not know how to stop it. Moreover, I am in a helping profession taking care of other needs all the time.

Please allow me to air out my need here to be loved without judgement. Truly you kind words make me tearful while I am typing these words.

October 16, 2003
9:59 am
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angel1
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lost one,
Ya it is very hard to love ourselves 1st, I struggle with it myself I put others feelings before my own. I"m going through changes right know in my relationship and I don't know where it's going but I continue to pray and ask God to help me deal with all my feelings about it. I sometimes feel like I could go crazy with some of the thoughts I have...it is very scary...we are our own worst enemy...we are the only ones that even go through this my husband probably doesn't even give it a thought...at least he doesn't act like he does. I just know that I have to care about myself no one else is till I do...And we all need a place to share thats why we are here...we all need to heal...You are in my prayers (lost one) it does get better....Angel1

October 18, 2003
11:41 am
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lost_one
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Thank you, Angel. I am so touched with your kind words. I wish we do not have to struggle too much and have serenity sometime.

It hurts so much to be misunderstood and lonely.

Sometimes,I wonder what we have done to be like this, livivng in misery and pain.

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