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Seeker seeking advice about a relationship
January 26, 2007
11:39 pm
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TT,

If you go to the top left corner of the screen and click on "view all posts", you will see this whole thread which was started a little while ago. Seeker described his current relationship and a number of people offered feedback.

January 26, 2007
11:56 pm
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Anonymous
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Tiger Trainer,

Thanks for asking. Basically, I am in a relationship and have been having some doubts about it. I was trying to decide what to do. After kroika's advice (thanks, kroika), you may already know what the issues are.

Last night, I finally talked to her about what was bothering me. I kept putting it off because I'm a people pleaser and I hate causing anybody pain, and I knew this might be painful for her.

Our talk seemed to go better than I'd expected. She kept telling me that I can't aim to please her or neither of us will be happy together. However, on the phone tonight she said there was something she wanted to talk about with me, but wants to wait till we see each other tomorrow. So now I'm wondering what's up with her.

Seeker

January 26, 2007
11:58 pm
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kroika,

How are you? You were nice to help out Tiger Trainer like that. How's your career going, and how's Andrew?

an inquisitive Seeker

January 27, 2007
1:25 am
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hey seek,

glad to get an update on what's happening with you. Me, well, no visible changes yet to my career, just me starting to "think" about things. I got a copy of "What Color is Your Parachute" to aid in this enterprise.

As for Mr. A, he is pretty busy getting himself organized to leave town for several months as he has a leave from work. I don't hear from him all that often, and don't know how often I will hear from him while he is away. I think the same old same old dynamics are in play -- if there is any hint of developing closeness between us, he backs off and puts more distance.

Ah, spring is coming. Perhaps I will start looking at online profiles...

Good luck with your "talk" tomorrow. Must dash to work. Take care, k.

January 27, 2007
5:06 pm
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seekerw,
I've read what you've said in your earlier posts. (thanks for the tip, kroika)I think its' great that both of you are talking to each other. Personally, I think you go with the flow and see where the talks talk you. does she seem interested in Mormonism?

January 27, 2007
8:58 pm
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kroika,

Good to hear from you. I've read "What Color is your Parachute?" It's an excellent book, the best job hunting guide I've ever read. I think you'll do well with it. Now, what are your career aspirations again? (please forgive my poor memory)

Ah, typical male problem -- backing away from closeness. I don't know what's wrong with us guys.

Well, take care and I'll talk to you later.

Seeker

January 27, 2007
9:05 pm
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Tiger Trainer,

Good to hear from you again. To answer your question, she got baptized LDS two weeks ago, and she's seems to be genuinely sincere about it. She's having a devil of a time giving up cigarettes; she smoked for the past 14 years. It's hard for me to relate to, as I never smoked more than a few puffs.

I'm going to church with her again tomorrow, and then we're going to talk afterwards. I'll get to see how she reacted to our talk on Thursday, in which I told her a couple of things she didn't want to hear, but which I had to say.

How have you been?

Seeker

January 27, 2007
9:17 pm
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triciaisok
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Hi everyone

Thought I'd stop in and say Hi.

What Color is your Parachute is a good book. It takes time but is worth it. Also there are some good online free test I've taken that can help but can't remember right now. You can find one on Yahoo in the job sections and in Career Builder.com.

It is nice to hear a guy like you seeker say I don't know what's wrong with us guys?

I myself and getting over a hurtful relationship but I discovered the red flags before I got to involved.
I just knew this person for quite some time and I thought they changed as some people grow and learn from their past, especially if they are in recovery. He is not ready to be honest with me or himself or accountable to anyone.

I am grateful for keeping a healthy support group of people that I run things off of especially when I feel I am getting confused.

Seeker that is a key staying accountable to others that you feel safe. I am going to check out a book that my Sunday School group recommended-The Dna of Realationships. I am not sure who it is by but a therapist came and talked with our class for about five weeks and it was one of the books he recommended.

Hope all are doing well take care.
Triciaisok

January 28, 2007
9:13 am
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I read the first posts you wrote and now I am going to reply about about something you wrote then. It might be outdated by now but it has been on my mind and if I open up a big can of worms please ignore it everybody because I don't wish to offend.
It wqas about her being so overweight. I hope you don't force yourself to overlook that if it is hard for you. It is very important that she be atrractive to you and if you have a hard time with that, well don't force yourself to overlook it.
It's not like your looking for someone who looks like a Victoria Secret Model.
YOu said that she wanted to to talk to you. How did that go.

January 29, 2007
6:10 pm
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Triciaisok,

Thank you for your kind sentiments. I'm sorry for the troubles you are going through with your previous relationship. I have no doubt that you'll come out the better for it, in time. In the meantime, I'm sure it's not pleasant. Take good care.

Seeker

January 29, 2007
6:27 pm
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Tiger Trainer,

thank you for your encouragement about not overlooking her being overweight. I feel guilty for having those sort of thoughts -- I mean, why can't I take her as she is? why do I have to let her weight get to me? But I was married for 23 years to an overweight wife, and it was a definite strain on me in our sex life. I don't want to repeat it the next time around.

The talk went okay. It started off with her telling me all these thoughts that went through her head for the previous two days. Her weight has always been a very sensitive issue with her, and she's been teased about it, and she thought I was rejecting her and telling her she wasn't good enough her. Her friends at work advised her to dump me, saying that if I demanded she lose weight one day, what's next? Cut off her hair? Get all new clothes? She vented for about an hour and I just sat still and listened. It was very uncomfortable, but I tried to not say much or look away.

Then she told me that she'd decided to stay with the relationship. She's decided she has a good thing in me, I suppose, and wants to do anything reasonable to keep me.

It worried me when she told me she was starving but wouldn't eat anything, although I encouraged her to. It won't work if she tries to starve herself. Her efforts will backfire bigtime if she does that.

I've got more to tell you, but I have to go now. Will write later.

Seeker

January 29, 2007
6:33 pm
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Well, I'll tell you. My husband has his problems but he doesn't mind that I am about 30 pounds overweight. he encourages me to lose weight by stressing health. He offers to walk with me, and suggests that we both eat healthier. it makes me feel like he cares about me not the fact that I am overweight. If you decide to proceede with her it might make her less sensitive if youtake that angle.

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