Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Seeker seeking advice about a relationship
January 16, 2007
10:47 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I’d like to talk about my current relationship and invite any feedback anybody might have. I’m trying to see how I really feel about this relationship. This girl and I have not agreed to be boyfriend/girlfriend or committed exclusively to each other. She would like to, but I’m holding off. She’s also been good about not pressuring me into anything.

Here’s how we met. I teach evening classes at a business college. During the summer term, she was one of my students, and she developed a crush on me. At the time, I thought she was nice and had a refreshing sense of optimism; however, I didn’t think of her as dating material then.

The last few weeks of the term, she started emailing me from a secret email account and asked me out while I still didn’t know her identity. I agreed to out of a sense of adventure, thinking that it might be fun, and that one date wouldn’t hurt anything and it didn’t have to go further than that.

She let on who she was about a week later, and I told her I’d have to wait till the end of the term to go out with her. She agreed, and in the meantime, she started taking extra care of her appearance, and I started to notice her as a woman over the next three weeks.

The term ended, and we went out on our first date. I’d not been in a relationship for over two years, and haven’t been in a happy relationship for at least the previous five years. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to kiss, to really kiss, a woman. I’d been longing for female companionship for a long time, and believe in keeping sex within marriage only, so I’ve dreamed of having a relationship with a woman where we’d hug, kiss, and cuddle a lot, and do nothing more physically until marriage.

When we first went out, I wanted to kiss her, in part because I found her reasonably attractive, in part because she was available, and in part because I wanted to see if I were desireable to the opposite sex. Halfway into the evening, I kissed her. We spent most of the rest of that evening making out. In the first two dates we had brief forays to second base, and a few times afterward one or the other of us has led off toward second base, but returned to first base almost immediately.

She wasn’t of my religion when we met (Mormon), and she’d fallen into a life of drugs, drinking, and casual sex in her teens and early twenties, but she was raised Protestant and had been in the process of cleaning up her act over the last four years. After we started dating, her desire to clean up her act seemed to increase markedly. She stopped smoking, started investigating the Mormon church, and was baptized this past Saturday. She’s said I’m the only decent guy she’s ever dated and will do what it takes to keep me, and she tells me that she and I will end up together if it’s the Lord’s will.

To make a long story short, she has what I’d most like in a woman – she’s responsible, cheerful, mature, considerate, selfless, and loving (nobody has ever kissed me like she has!), but there are two things I’m not sure of. First, she’s about 70 pounds overweight. It hasn’t been a huge issue to me yet, seeing that we keep our clothes on when we’re together.

I wish her weight weren’t such an issue with me; I don’t like that it is; I know how difficult it can be for a woman to lose weight and feel bad for expecting her to do so, but it nevertheless is very important to me to marry a woman who’s no more than about 20 pounds overweight. I’ve been involved with overweight women my entire life, and the sight of cellulite and rolls of fat on a naked woman is quite a strain on me. I’ve learned to tolerate it, and focus my attention on the parts of the body that were attractive (shoulders, hair, upper back, calves, etc.) in the bedroom, but I don’t want to have to do that anymore. This time around, I want a woman whose entire body I could enjoy the sight of.

I’ve told her how I feel about her weight, and she wasn’t too happy about it, saying that she wishes I could love her for who she is. Nevertheless, she’s been making a determined effort to lose weight, and has lost 11 pounds over the last two months. So it looks like she may very well lose all the excess weight, but I don’t know that she is for sure or that she’ll keep it off once she loses it. I’ve heard that most people regain weight that they lose, so I don’t know how long she’ll keep it off if she does get it off.

Another thing I’m not sure of is the fact that she has two children, boys aged 3 and 2. They’re adorable kids, and I enjoy them most of the time, but they are extremely rambunctious, and I’m not sure I want to go through the process of raising little children again. I’ve raised three children through the ages of 18, 16, and 11 (their ages when I separated from my ex-wife), and I’m not sure I want to go through raising little children all over again.

I’m used to settling for what I feel I can get in a relationship. I’m good at being content with what I have, and know I could adjust to her children and the possibility of her being overweight for our life together. However, I don’t want to settle this time around, but we generally have to make some sacrifices when we enter into a relationship, and I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth it to me. She has the character and personality I’m looking for in a woman, so she has a lot going for her.

Any feedback anybody might have would be welcome. Thank you.

Seeker

January 16, 2007
11:07 pm
Avatar
sdesigns
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 30
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Seeker:

I am glad that you are out pursuing getting on with your life after your divorce.

You don't mention the difference in your ages. Is hse much younger than you?

One thing I would say is that although you have feelings for this woman, maybe it is time to DATE and not get too serious with any particular woman right now.

Also, it sounds like you may be settling, since you mention her weight and her children as issues that you aren't really happy about.

And thats OK. You don't have to be. That is what dating is about- meeting new people and seeing if there's a possible connection on as many levels as you are comfortable with.

Just one question though- seems you were in a rather serious relationship last summer? With Guppy? Maybe you're jumping into something again rather quickly?

This woman is already making big changes in her life for you- do you think she would do this on her own? Or is it just for you? that would make me a little nervous at this early stage. Sounds like maybe she thinks there's a committment already.

SD

January 17, 2007
12:06 am
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

First of all, take it slow. Just date. Start doing a lot of active things together where you are both getting a lot of exercise. If she adapts well to that and starts eating healthy, the weight problem will take care of itself. It's just a change of lifestyle that she needs.

The young kids are a much bigger issue. If raising kids again is something you would dread (especially since they aren't your own) then you might want to back away from this relationship. At their tender age, being a reluctant dad isn't doing them any favors. That's the main decision you will have to make, since you think it could work out otherwise. Would you resent her for burdening your life with these added responsibilities? It all depends on your personality and if you can enjoy being with kids. Do you really want to start all over again? That's something only you can answer.

January 17, 2007
12:08 am
Avatar
wannabe
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

wow, you are so honest

she sounds like great woman. children dont go away so if you are uncomfortable maybe you should slow down. there is a possibility that the weight will come back expecially after marriage, partly because marriage comes with responsibility which will leave her less time to work out and partly coz she will have you and therefore the motivation to loose the weight wont be as much.

however maybe when you relly get to know her and love her you will learn to accept her wholly, if anything I assume she is also putting up with stuff about you.

am a woman, and from her behaviour she has so much hope, dont break her heart. if you are not sure about your relationship, slow down and be honest with her.

all the best

January 17, 2007
4:18 am
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Seekerw

" This girl and I have not agreed to be boyfriend/girlfriend or committed exclusively to each other. She would like to, but I’m holding off. She’s also been good about not pressuring me into anything. "

So you and the girl have not agreed to commit and you do not feel she is pressuring you into anything.

"started investigating the Mormon church, and was baptized this past Saturday. She’s said I’m the only decent guy she’s ever dated and will do what it takes to keep me, and she tells me that she and I will end up together if it’s the Lord’s will."

Seekerw, this is pressure. If I just meet somebody and they get baptised in my church after such a short while it will put pressure on me.

If you have to go your seperate ways do you think she will still attend church. Its a BIG commitment to get baptised. Does she fully understand the baptism? or did she do it for you? Just my thoughts.

This would put allot of pressure on me if I have to think about the situation if I were in your shoes.

Love

Garfield

January 17, 2007
8:56 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Seeker, it seems like you have alot of doubts about this girl, yes, she may be overweight and yes she may have kids...etc, two things that you
don't seem to want right now in your life, and she seems to be changing alot for you now, kinda like doing all the right things to get YOU. Maybe she is codependent??? who knows.

I'd take this one really slow and not get too involved, it seems like you know the answer to what you want.

good luck in your relationship ventures!!!

(((camer))

January 17, 2007
11:07 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

SD, Seeker mentioned on another thread that he is 46 and gf is 29. Those were the ages I and my exex were (me 29, him 46) when we first got together; so I am sympathetic to age difference as a generic thing.

However, seek, there is a major power differential involved when you are a teacher and another person is your student. Yes, you waited until the term was over... but this would be a situation to be very cautious about even if there were no other red flags.

Unfortunately, there seem to be a number of red flags which others have mentioned so I won't duplicate. I am in agreement with them all. I think perhaps this is functioning as a "transitional" relationship for you after your divorce, which came at the end of several years of a dying relationship.

[I too am puzzled as to your omitting mention of your relationship with guppy.]

Friend, I think this woman is making some serious behavioural and *life* changes "for you" and although you may have made verbal statements to the effect that you are not bf/gf.... actions speak louder than words. I think it would be a kindness to both of you to have some very honest conversations before things proceed any further.

very best regards, kroika

January 17, 2007
11:41 am
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kroika

"I think perhaps this is functioning as a "transitional" relationship for you after your divorce, which came at the end of several years of a dying relationship."

Well said

Garfield

January 17, 2007
11:58 am
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The first thing that I would like to say is that Please don't break this woman heart. Please search first your heart and what you want in life before you start having a relationship with this woman. You are going in wanting it and having doubts and she is wanting it and trying to find a way to keep it.
Don't wait until you have gone down that road of being in a relationship and then decide that all of the things that you had doubts are coming up again. She is a single mother with kids with a heart.
Have you ask her what doubts that she may have about you? What doubts that she may have in the long run that may come up if she get's to deep in this relationship? Especially if she have kids. You don't want every Tom, Dick, and Harry around your children. I know that if you ask her about you, she will and would come up with some things about you that she don't like.
If you don't want a heavy woman who have gain a few pounds and already made kids, then you need to depart from this relationship or get a really good understanding on what this relationship is all about.
You can't have the cuddling and the kissing, and the hugging if you haven't made it clear that this is all that you want from her. You do understand that you can get that from any where but some people who has feeling, put there feeling in these things that they are sharing with another person.
Since you don't like the weight, have you tried doing something with her and the kids like being out doors and taking walks, or playing outside.
Give it a try if you like but if that is not you, then you need to leave this woman alone.

January 17, 2007
12:28 pm
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OK Seek

Others have expressed views similar as my own so I wont re state them.

I would just say that this lady seems to be making an awful lot of changes and some fairly serious investment in the relationship. This being despite your saying upfront you dont want a serious relationship right now.

I think she is already emotionally very invested in you and I think it would be kind to re state your position. It is probably very flattering to you and I can understand the need for someone to hold and to show you affection. Dont just drift into something that you arent really sure you want. It will hurt you both eventually

She sounds nice, be kind

love Sleepless

January 17, 2007
12:29 pm
Avatar
Loralei
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

nappy is right. Don't use this woman for the affection that you crave unless you intend to go forward with the relationship. She is investing heavily in you and clearly wants more. You need to decide if her weight and her kids are something you can live with or not. If not, then you need to tell her so that she won't be counting on you for a relationship. Otherwise, you are just using her and leading her on. As far as the weight goes, she may be able to lose some, but you must be ready to accept her just the way she is in case she can't lose it and keep it off. YOU need to decide what is a dealbreaker for you.

January 17, 2007
12:55 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

seeker,

if you read my post, you will see that I am much in the same boat.

I have a man that has many GREAT qualities.

BUT

He doesn't have ALL of the ones I need.

And it's killing me to walk away, knowing I have such a wonderful person.

But in the end, I know that the things that are lacking will end up getting "bigger" and "bigger" in time and it won't end up working.

Like you, I see "potential"...he IS trying...he is learning and growing.

And I am blessed to have that with him.

BUT, there are still things "missing"...and those things keep me from being able to move forward with him.

Understand that the weight issue, along with the past drug and alcohol use are all things that can "rebound"...and if you can only love her thin and sober and clean, it may be best to walk away as friends.

Cuz in the end, as time wears on, she may start using again, may regain the weight...may decide mormon religion isn't for her...and so on.

she seems to be making great changes FOR YOU...and it always feels wonderful when someone loves us enough to change for us.

but in the end, if they change for us, they will revert to their past BECAUSE of us too.

and changing for someone else is the WRONG reasons too...you need to change cuz you want to...not cuz of the reward of having a great guy take care of you.

I, too, am concerned that she converted so quickly...religion is a serious endeavor....do you think her desire is real, or just to please you?

It is hard to walk away...I am still having nagging doubts....but in the end, right now I see things making me unhappy that I can't change...and I know I can't go on.

January 17, 2007
1:46 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, everybody, for your input. I agree with the general concensus -- I need to talk frankly with her, decide exactly what I want and need, and communicate that to her clearly and avoid even the appearance of leading her on.

I also need to date around some more. Otherwise, I will always feel that something's missing and I won't be able to commit to her fully if we do stay together.

Next time I see her (on Friday), I'm going to talk to her about all this. I don't necessarily have to break things off with her; I can continue to see her, right, if she wants? It might mean cutting down on the hugging, etc., but in truth, we've both reached the point, I think, where we don't feel the need for that so much anymore.

In the future, I won't date anybody unless they're acceptable to me as they currently are. It's no fair to date somebody, even once, and put any shadow of expectation for them to change in any way before I'm willing to continue seeing them.

I just hope I can find the courage to do what I know I should do. I'm not good at all at this sort of thing.

By the way, I didn't mention guppy because that relationship ended five months ago, though we've been on good terms since then. Enough time had passed, I thought, before I started this new relationship.

Seeker

January 17, 2007
1:53 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

"The term ended, and we went out on our first date. I’d not been in a relationship for over two years, and haven’t been in a happy relationship for at least the previous five years. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to kiss, to really kiss, a woman. I’d been longing for female companionship for a long time..."

that's why I said you omitted mentioning guppy.

Perhaps you wanted to simplify your timeline... ? but I am a detail person, you see.

January 17, 2007
1:53 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

seeker, I went four months before starting over too...wasn't looking, just happened.

I thought I was ready too.

and I am.

but I still have lots to learn.

and moving too fast too soon is still a mistake I am making.

I think that it would be ok to keep dating your current partner...if she is ok with it...but she may SAY she is ok with it and not be...but afraid to say no cuz she doesn't want to hurt you....watch for signs that she wants more, hinting at more and trying to "push" you back into the commitment level you have now.

I think you really know the answer tho...like me, you know that the things that are bothering you will continue to bother you.

I came to the conclusion that he IS a great guy, no doubt...but it would be pointless to keep dating him...cuz in the end, the basics aren't going to change...so, the only point to dating him would be for ME to learn to SETTLE for what he was offering.

And I don't WANT to settle.

I am overweight...if a man told me that my body type - rolls of cellulite - were offensive to him, I would tell him to move on. YES, I want to lose weight...and I will...but only in my own time, for my own reasons...and I know how hard it is to keep it off, and I wouldn't lose it for the man, and then turn around and struggle all my life trying to keep it off so I don't offend him and make him walk away.

If you can't love her the way she is, don't go there...plus, with kids involved...the longer you stay in it, the more attached everyone is and harder to leave.

If you know in your gut that you can't be with her long term...then just let her down easy NOW, not later.

January 17, 2007
2:04 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

kroika,

I see what you mean about omitting guppy from the list of relationships. What I really meant was I hadn't been in an in-person relationship, where you physically see each other regularly, in the past two years.

You are indeed detail-oriented, aren't you? :o)

January 17, 2007
2:13 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Seekerw

A Question

Mormon, does this mean you can have more than one wife?

Garfield

January 17, 2007
3:29 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

Hi. For over a hundred years now, Mormon men have been limited to one wife at a time. There are some offshoot groups from the Mormon church who still practice polygamy, but they are not Mormons.

Seeker

January 17, 2007
3:56 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

seekerw

Shows you how uninformed I am

Thanks

Garfield

January 17, 2007
5:09 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Garfield,

Not being a Mormon, there's no reason why you should have known this. I probably wouldn't have know it, either, if I weren't Mormon. Take care.

Seeker

January 19, 2007
4:26 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

seeker,

She sounds very sweet, but I would pay attention to her "motives" for wanting to hook you so fast. Is she looking for a father for her children, or someone to take care of her...things like that. She seems very anxious to be with you, and please you. Those reasons since you are older, would make me wonder if I were you.

January 19, 2007
5:39 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMW,

Thanks. I think she wants a decent guy, and I'm the first such one she's met, so she says. She's used to guys wanting her for her body, and she and I talk about everything under the sun. Her last bf didn't seem to like her kids, but I like to spend time with them.

January 23, 2007
2:00 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

thinking about you, seek, and wondering how things are going.

(((seek)))

good wishes from your friend kroik

January 23, 2007
3:23 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

kroika,

Things are going pretty well; thanks for asking. I haven't posted here for a while. How are you?

(((kroika)))

From your friend,
Seeker

January 26, 2007
10:51 pm
Avatar
Tiger Trainer
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 5
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

so what kind of advice are you seeking?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714260
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information