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Seeing more clearly the Narcissist finally buries himself
April 27, 2007
12:42 pm
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lucyloo
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I still feel fairly new here but cannot begin to tell you how much I have appreciated the support here. I know this is going to be long but need to vent and talk.

I am codependent and have been involved on an absolute rollercoaster ride with an N for 3 1/2 years. Finally so much is becoming clear to me. Up until a week and a half ago I was still engaging with him in drama. I made some mistakes along the way, no doubt, contacted his new girlfriend, contacted his casual sex friend, and his ex-wife. He had left his wife and 10 month old child for me and eventually moved out of state away from his child for a big 'ego' job and supposedly for me.

This week I have had several long conversations with his ex-wife which has provided so much clarity. The more we talked and shared stories, the more we realized that he did the same things to both of us. Of course, she was not very trusting of me at first, but she is really coming around the more we talk.

She and the ex-N have been in a custody battle for nearly two years. He has engaged in major drama with her trying to show her as an unfit mother, an alcoholic, etc. Recently ex-N was arrested on a domestic violence charge with me. I had called the police in January but the warrant didn't catch up with him until March and he spent 3 nights in jail. Ex-wife had found out about this on her own (I never told her) and just last night called him out on it. Of course, he freaked out and called, e-mailed, texted me, blaming me. His voice sounded very broken.

Then this morning I got a call from his sister and an e-mail from his mother. I responded to his mother that I did not tell N's ex-wife about his arrest and that she needs to understand that her son is an N and help him vs. protecting him. I also told her this is the last communication she or anyone in her family would receive from me. Disengage completely. It is so necessary.

The saddest thing is there is a poor child who is stuck in the middle of it all. I feel very sad for him.

But N is losing at his game. Sweet justice I guess. What comes around goes around?

This has been a horrible ride, but I have learned so much about myself and my codependency. I need to fix this in me in order to never, ever get caught in the tangled web of life with an N, C/A again.

It is incredibly hard to be strong, I am learning this. It's funny I always thought of myself as a strong, independent, smart, caring person. It is amazing to reflect on this experience and try to make sense of your own actions in all of this. But this is codependency and now I know.

I know I still have a long road ahead but my chin is up (for now anyway) and I am planning for positive things in my future. I recently made a list called "Things I Want to Do!" for myself which is all the things I've either had an interest or a passion in but haven't pursued. I have taped it on the wall next to my desk so I can look at it often and plan to start pursuing these. It's a good exercise - I recommend it

April 27, 2007
12:52 pm
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gracenotes
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lucyloo,

Welcome to this site! It seems like you are really beginning to take care of yourself and put focus on you. That's great. ALso, having his ex-wife to talk with, compare notes, its really great that you hooked up with her.

Being in control with an n around is a challenge. N's seem to go for strong, caring, independent women like you and me, and many here. I've been many months in No Contact with ex-n, and it has really been an important time of personal growth for me.

Best to you!!

April 27, 2007
3:00 pm
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lucyloo
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Grace,
Thanks. Have you been tempted to contact N? Has he tried to contact you?

It's just so incredibly sad that you love someone but when you finally see the light of who they are you feel like you get your control back.

I have this feeling that he is so buried right now with his child, custody, ex-wife, miserable job, financial instability and his complete loss of control that he has two paths to take. Continue on the one he is on or fix himself. I guess it's just that codependent me that always wants the best for people.

My biggest fear in strange way right now is that he may fix himself (or try) and will contact me when he does.

Has your ex-N changed at all? Do they ever change - just wondering if anyone has seen one change.

LucyLoo

April 27, 2007
3:26 pm
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gracenotes
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Do they change? Most likely not, and, if they had any desire to, which they normally don't, it would be a long, long road. You cannot fix this. I work with kids, and one kid I am working with, a 3rd grader, is a budding n. I even wonder if there is much hope that he can be helped. His desire to manipulate and control with anger and put downs is so deep already.

I too want to see the best in people, so I think of ex-n with good and bad qualities, but the bad qualities would make any further contact not wanted. From mutual acquaintances, I've heard that nothing has changed, even though me, the so-called source of the problem, has gone away for good.

I totally understand all these feelings of thinking the n will wake up and change, but, from experience, the best thing to do is to keep the focus on you, off of his drama, and start thinking about all those things you want to do in your life. If you feel you need to work on healing your codependency, there are wonderful books by Pia Mellodie, Mellody Beattie, CODA groups, therapy, and learning at this situe.

When you are doing all those fabulous things, then maybe the right, healthy guy will appear in your life, and the two of you can meet as whole people. Relationships are challenging enough, and trying to fix an n is totally beyond what I or even most therapist could ever be capable to doing, and the process of fixing and healing n behavior does not happen in a relationship.

April 27, 2007
3:30 pm
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gracenotes
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Lucy,

Custody battles, attemping to see her as an unfit mother, arrested on a domestic violence charges. Serious red flags. I went back to re-read your post. I would stay miles away from him.

April 29, 2007
12:01 am
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lucyloo
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Grace-
So funny I reached out his ex-wife the other night and she told me how he had said to her "I've had two of the wrong women in my life". Then he asked her if she wants to have lunch with him and their son when he was in town this weekend.

How nuts is that? Now he's going to try to work with her and be nice to her after two years of a custody battle. She saw right through him on that one though and was so glad I called.

He has done nothing but make both of feel like we are the insane ones and bash both of us to eveyone around him, when know we both know it's all him. She cried to me about all he's put her through. He is such a monster. I am so mad at myself that I did not see this before, the pain and suffering that she was going through all this time.

And I was never a person to wish anything bad on anyone but he has to face that he has done all of this to himself.

His Mom attempted to play my sympathy for him the other day and this is what I wrote back to her:

"I want nothing more than all of the drama over. I did love your son but it was never a healthy relationship because he is a narcissist. Now that I recognize this I want nothing to do with him. He is stuck in a pattern he cannot break and has no empathy or compassion for other human beings and their feelings. This came out when he and I attended a couples therapy session and instead of trying to fix it, he ran and said he didn't need any therapy and went right back into his pattern of lying, cheating, sex with loose women, drinking, etc. But I realize I cannot help him, only he can decide to help himself. If you love him Patty, you need to stop protecting him and help him recognize this."

Of course I realize now that even by responding to his mother was engaging him but it felt good and she reached out to me to begin with.

Of course, he is still blaming "the two bad women" he picked for all the problems in his life. HA!

April 29, 2007
11:05 pm
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gracenotes
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lucyloo,

That's good. You expressed things to his mother. I wouldn't necessarily expect a reply or any kind of positive reply from her, but you did it for you. Spoke the truth.

I think I have done a lot of healing by writing about it, here, and talking with friends. There's something so empowering about speaking and writing the truth. Just don't expect a sane response from an n or anyone who is kind of under their spell and/or believes their nonsense.

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