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seeing faces in the shower curtain again
April 23, 2005
9:09 pm
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Anonymous
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he said he can't tell me the reason why he dumped me because he would hurt my feelings.

doesn't he know it hurts more to be dumped for no reason.

the few lame reasons he gave me was i ate my nails and i farted in bed.

i feel like he is just saying those things to hurt my feelings and make me paranoid.

he said he felt unmotivated to do things with me and for me and he was upset that he wasn't a better boyfriend.

does he have to be motivated to love me?

he promised things would get better and gave me a ring 6 months before he dumped me.

he had told me he thought he was going to propose to me in Nov but didn't think we were going to be together much longer that was 3 months after the ring and 3 months before the dump.

why the fuck did he tell me that well after the fact?

if your good at word problems then you can do the math i never knew what hit me in January when he dumped me.

i stayed to long after we broke up i don't regret the sex but i stayed for 3 months after the breakup and am living on my own in a strange town for the first time in my life.

I'm so scared and lonely.

everyone said I'll learn so much about myself and love living on my own but i can't see past the tears.

so here i sit constipated scared to fart with fake nails finding it hard to type wishing i wasn't so lonely that i started what i know is a lonely game i used to play before i meet him.

i can spot a face in any jumble of lines whether it be a sower curtain or plate of pasta. i heard a long time ago it was a sign of loneliness.

April 23, 2005
10:19 pm
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sdesigns
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ipw: I am sorry you are feeling the pain you are feeling. It is so hard to not have the answers as to why things didn't work out. Its also hard when people haven't been honest with you.

Can you think of your new life as an opportunity? Can you do some exploring in your new town? New shops, restaurants, book stores, coffee places? Maybe do some decorating for your first place of your own?

You've shown you also have a good sense of humor even when you are hurting. So go ahead and fart, andscratch yourself wherever you want w/ your new nails. Best wishes. SD

April 23, 2005
10:33 pm
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this is a scary place for me. i have never been this depressed before and have no desire to go out and meet people and make new friends.

when you are the friend with the problem your the burden and soon you have no friends.

i have no desire to see family who normally i can't get enough of.

i have no desire to take care of myself but force myself each day to do more then the day before.

i packed all the memories away in a box and put it in the closet thinking it would help "out of sight out of mind" but i still jump a little when i hear a car drive by hoping its him saying he was a moron and wants me back.

of course he dumped me how can i trust him and take him back so this is my future alone and depressed.

i love to laugh and he made me do it till i peed myself now its hard to crack a smile and mean it.

its easy to laugh its hard to mean it.

April 23, 2005
10:50 pm
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Desert Moon
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((((ipw)))

You need your family right now. Please call, go see them. You should not be alone right now. If I were there in person I would give you a real hug but this is the best I can do in cyberspace.

I know its hard, but make it your goal tonight, tommorrow, to call your family or go see them if you can. Do they know what you are going through?

Hang in there keep posting. This is still new for you. Its ok to hurt. Allow it. It doesn't seem like it but it does get better.

How long were you with your fiance?

April 23, 2005
10:52 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi ipw: I have been where you are believe me. I was so depressed I couldn't eat or sleep. I lived on Diet Sprite and cigatettes and naps. Finally went to the Doctor to get Paxil and Xanax. Then I was at least able to sleep for a couple of hours straight. I stayed in the house for months and lost 60 pounds. It is hard, very hard. It was a struggle to shower or do anything. It does get better, although at dif rates for dif people. I found that I had to make myself leave the house EVERYDAY, whether I wanted to or not. I burned out my friends, they got tired of listening to me. So I just stayed by myself.

Its good you have put everything away in a closet. Do you wrote in a journal? Have you been able to get mad yet? They say depression is anger turned inward, instead of being directed at whoever else. Maybe make some lists of bad things he did, try to take him off of a pedestal. Try to do something for yourself everyday, no matter how small. And the next day something else. Try to take care of yourself, as best you can.

I think you are smart to realize you can't trust him now. If you got back together, you'd always wonder if he was being honest or was he planning to leave you again. That's no fun either. Pretty one sided.

My thoughts are with you. Hang in there. SD

April 23, 2005
11:04 pm
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I have known him for 7 years but this last year we moved in together i got a job in the area and made the relationship my first priority.

i seemed to have been absorbed into his world and put to the back shelf in his mind.

he told me a few days ago i have not lost him and if there was anyone he could get back together with it would be me.

this doesn't help me with moving forth.
i called him the other day and he said he was very busy i thought i conveyed that i understood but he left me a horrible IM message saying i annoy him and he is busy and will call me next week to let me get the few things he found in the house that were mine.

i feel so rejected i really feel he was the one and know reality is that i don't know the future. I know that it would be a very slim change to ever recover from this and get back together but its so hard to loose hope and or move on i hate not knowing if i could be strong enough to say no to him and let myself have time to heal and move forth.

i know also I'll never heal if i don't grant myself closure and give up on making it work.

a few weeks ago i started a blog site for myself and never published any facts to let people know who i was so i have been posting a while but as much as i poured out it didn't help ... i have to have input thats why i am here it never gave me back the "joy of my life"

as for my parents i did tell them i was going to push them away. i told my father he said he accepts it as a parent but does not understand it.

i love them so much but feel so smothered and mis understood by them I'm almost 30 and rely on them way too much. i know i need to be more independent of them they need to have time to be people not just parents (they did a great job i screwed myself up)

April 23, 2005
11:12 pm
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Desert Moon
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ipw

Why do you think you screwed yourself up?

You were with him 7 years, thats a long time. Give yourself a lot of time to grieve, it may take awhile.

Why is he playing games? First he says you would be the one he would get together with, you havnt lost him, then he says you annoy him? I dont get it. If you allow yourself to get angry it helps alot to see him for who he is. The sooner you can cut off all contact the better. Dont let him drag this out by letting him do this to you.

When you care for yourself more than for him then you will be well on your way toward healing.

take care.
(((hugs))))

April 23, 2005
11:19 pm
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thank you both.

i really cant see past the past
i can't see us never being together again but don't see how it could work

am i damned for dysfunction or can we have a healthy friendship after time

April 23, 2005
11:26 pm
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Desert Moon
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just know you have to work on your end of things and cant worry/obsess over where he is at with things, since you have no control over that. You can only control your end of things and you have to take care of yourself first and foremost.

take care (again) I really need to get off now.

April 23, 2005
11:28 pm
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sdesigns
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Seven years is a long time. Hopefully no one is damned for dysfunction and you've already made some big steps in recognizing there is a problem. Expand on that and keep searching. Exploring yourself is a very worthwhile cause. Maybe understanding yourself better will lead you to some answers. SD

April 23, 2005
11:39 pm
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thank you SD & Desert Moon i was really in need of a reply tonight.

at 5 tonight i was counting the hours till bed time because i knew if i went to bed and the sun was still up i run risk of starting a bad/sad slip down.

these few replies you both gave me have given me a spark i thought i lost to the rainy day that gave me a poor excuse to stay inside today.

thank you
i'll be back here for sure

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