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Seduction... he tried to.
March 1, 2004
10:36 am
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artist 2
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What does it mean that he tried to get me into bed "to leave things on a loving note"? I didn't let him have his way, anyway. But, does this mean he was trying to have me ready and waiting for him whenever he wanted it? Or, does it mean he didn't really want me to leave?

March 1, 2004
10:41 am
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nancee
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I don't know what he meant...who can figure them out? Hooray for you for not giving in. It must have been difficult. That's why I didn't encourage my guy to help me set up my new computer because I knew I would wind up in bed with him and it would just make things more confusing and hurt me more. I'm proud of you for saying no.

Nan

March 1, 2004
10:50 am
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Well, in the end I'm hoping he'll have a little respect in knowing I know my boundaries now. Sigh... even though he doesn't want me any more. Oh pooh. Don't know why I'm trying to prove anything to him any way. I probably should have done it, but I know in reality it would have made me miss him even more later. It was pretty cool though that I was able to calmly tell him all this. That we don't have that kind of relationship now and that it would be hard for me because I'd start missing him again. More cool that he listened and understood, though that didn't keep him from continuing to try to push my boundaries. It was actually good to feel so strong and resolved, and at the same time have a little fun with him too.

March 1, 2004
11:02 am
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nancee
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I haven't seen my guy since December 18. When I was talking to him a couple of weeks ago, I was the one trying to seduce him. I could have gotten him to come over and help with my computer and slept with him but then what would I have? The hurt would still be there, it wouldn't have fixed anything. I miss him but I am also beginning to see his flaws more clearly. He flat out said that it wasn't fair to leave me out in the cold like this but hasn't done anything about it. Although I still hope he will come to his senses, I am beginning to think it is really over and he just doesn't have the balls to say it. I wish I had your guts and could just face him and get everything out in the open but he would probably just say 'I don't know how I feel' which is what he always says. Like he wants me to be here when and if he changes his mind or gets his life straightened out or whatever. I'm tired of being last on everyone's list of priorities.

March 1, 2004
11:42 am
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artist 1 - i think that he wanted to see you again, for whatever reason though, it could be that he wanted to have sex and you were familiar and he thought you would, it could be that he missed you and that was his way of showing that. The thing is, do you really regret not doing it?

March 1, 2004
11:57 am
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marley
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Artist -

I am so proud of you - I only hope that I can be that strong.

By the way "leave things on a loving note" means I still want to sleep with you, but I can't handle commitment right now. (My EX used to call it "sharing" like we can share with each other tonight and who knows about tomorrow - I am a dumbass).

Anyway, you are right that the pain would have been worse and you would lose all the steps you have gained in living your life for yourself. Good for you.

Oh and my guess is that he has no real idea if he wants to leave or go! But I will tell you a cautionary tale - I worked in divorce before my current job and one time we had this client run into the office in hysterics b/c her soon to be ex didn't show up to the pre-trial conference. What does this mean? she asks. Do you think he wants to get back together? And I am thinking, um it means he couldn't make it to the pre-trial conference and other than that I wouldn't read too much into it, you know? I mean he filed for divorce and he hasn't called off the dogs just yet.

So I think about this all the time, I don't ever want to be this woman, hoping for this man to do something that he will probably never do. I want something real and stable, that I don't have to stress about and over-analyze everyday.

I hope you find someone who is worthy of all of the love and attention that you have showered on this man.

March 1, 2004
12:00 pm
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artist 1 - i think that he wanted to see you again, for whatever reason though, it could be that he wanted to have sex and you were familiar and he thought you would, it could be that he missed you and that was his way of showing that. The thing is, do you really regret not doing it?

March 1, 2004
12:09 pm
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artist 2
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I don't and will never regret NOT having sex with him. The self-respect I have given to myself, and having the feeling that I am finally able to step up and take care of myself - it is worth 1,000 nights in bed with this man. Though... oh my.

Marley what's new with you? Did you pick him up - what happened?

March 1, 2004
12:33 pm
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nancee
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Marley,
I've been wondering about you. Did you see him? How are you doing?

March 1, 2004
12:41 pm
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marley
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Nancee,

I wrote on my thread going around again. I am good, he is still not back yet.

How are you?

March 1, 2004
12:47 pm
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marley
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Artist -

Like I told Nancee, I wrote a bit on my thread. He comes in on Wednesday and I am not going to go to the airport and wait for his selfish butt to simply show up. I have a life I have plans.

I am so glad you have put some stock in your self-respect, I hope that I can too. I am terrified of seeing him and excited too! I think I shouldn't go at all now since he is such a jerk!

March 1, 2004
1:39 pm
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artist 2
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So, you'll go if he calls you - is that what you're saying? What if you're out at the grocery store when he calls? (are you going to be waiting for his call, then?) Do you know the time his plane arrives?

March 1, 2004
2:24 pm
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marley
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artist -

I don't think I will go even if he calls now. He is supposed to get in around four (I will be at work) if I feel that I can leave work I will go and get him (I generally leave b/w 3 and 6) otherwise he can wait until either I or our friend Matt can pick his arrogant behind up from the airport.

March 1, 2004
2:33 pm
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artist 2
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Can I ask - may have missed this in earlier threads: Did you actually have a relationship with this guy, like a lover-level relationship? If you did, which is what I suspect, my advice remains the same. If you have not and you want to, then pick him up.

March 1, 2004
3:54 pm
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marley
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Artist -

We have had a relationship for the past 2+ years. I think deep down we truly love each other and we are a great team. However we can't seem to get it together as a couple. It isn't like we play games or anything intentionally, we are both very non-committal and don't want to be tied down and are constantly trying to get away from each other, but when we are apart we miss each other terribly. But I am getting better about that, although I really want to see what he got me when he was gone . . .

March 1, 2004
3:59 pm
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He bought you something while he visited another woman?? I don't get it. Does he just PRETEND that you were never lovers? How do you feel about this?

March 1, 2004
4:01 pm
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nancee
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I've been in a relationship with 'him' for 6 years this week. I know you guys probably think I'm a horrible person because he was married but I never expected it to be anything. We were really good friends first and I knew all about his marriage and that they weren't happy. Now that he's getting divorced, he isn't sure if he should jump right into things with me or if he should wait awhile until he gets his life straight. I think he loves me but I also tell myself that if he really loved me, he would want to be with me no matter what. I feel like someone he just used until he didn't have to anymore and now he doesn't want me. I want to believe he is getting his life straight, but for all I know he is out there screwing every thing in sight. I think I know him better than that but I have to wonder. I want to call him so bad but it hurts so much worse when I have contact with him because nothing gets resolved. I'm so tired of being the one who does all the work and want someone to love me as I am, flaws and all. Someone who will treat me as an equal. Do guys like that exist?

I'm leaving to go to a doc appt but will check in later. Thanks for listening to me.

Nan

March 1, 2004
4:08 pm
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Nancee... I know what you mean. I want someone to dote on me, to offer to rub my feet, to serve me in bed, to take me out to dinner... and it seemed impossible for my ex to do any of these things, like he couldn't find the energy to do it. Some times I felt like a third wheel in the family with he and his son. But there were times I know i should have noticed, things he did for me and considered me that I completely loverlooked and now I dont' have him any more.

yes I think there are guy slike that out there. I had one and lost him because I was so self-cenntered.

March 1, 2004
4:47 pm
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marley
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artist -

maybe you didn't lose him, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. (I don't know if I believe that but I think it has to be true somehow).

Anyway, YES he bought me something (this is the second time) when he went to Mexico and she was still here and living in his house, he bought me a little amber bracelet on a leather strap (very small) and now I have no idea what he got me.

In a way I think I was his sanity when he was there with her and she was with another man. Once I stopped emailing him, he left the commune, I don't think he could take the pain without the constant reassurance from me that I still loved him and thought he was great despite everything.

As far as how he acts and what he thinks? Who knows? He is a bit of a nut-case when it comes to relationships and although he rubs my feet and makes me breakfast lunch and dinner and takes tremendous care of me, sometimes he is just absent or convinced he needs to be with someone else and it is painful and I keep thinking someday he will be that person all the time and then we won't have to do this anymore. But reality is - this is who he is, an insecure and inconsistent selfish man who has moments of true beauty. I will love him always.

March 1, 2004
4:55 pm
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artist 2
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Gee that must be hard to deal with. And, here I am wanting all that you already are getting from your man. How do you know he's convinced he wants to be elsewhere?

Anyway, when you cut him off, maybe that's the thing that will wake him up. But, you have to be firm and TRULY make it final.

March 1, 2004
5:27 pm
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marley
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artist -

you know what I get it enough to keep me hanging on, so is it enough? I used to think so and now I think NO WAY SUCKER! I want it 24-7, not some little lap dog or anything but a real man with something to offer, who DOES NOT wake up one morning and say I think we need to see other people, b/c he is scared of intimacy and commitment.

Coming to this site and getting all of your input has helped me so much to realize that this is more in my head than anywhere else and if he nevers comes around, there is someone out there who is already the way I want my ideal man to be and if it is meant to be I will find him.

Of course I am going to a hypnotist on friday, just to make sure I haven't already missed out on finding my soul mate.

March 2, 2004
11:52 am
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marley
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artist -

are you here?

March 3, 2004
6:53 am
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Marley, I'm here. So, what is being hypnotized like? does it help? what about a psychic?

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