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second time around
July 11, 2007
3:33 pm
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mzr
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Have any of you out there had an experience where you were cheated on and when you decided to work it out, the second time around turned out to be a healthy relationship? How did you achieve it? Is it possible?

July 11, 2007
3:39 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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mzr...not to be rude, BUT, did you not ask this earlier this week? same question?

I know that I have been one of the only few to respond to you and you want validation from others.

and I don't expect you to blindly trust me or take my word as gospel.

but I came here almost two years ago, asking the SAME questions, getting the SAME responses and in complete denial that it couldn't work.

I WANTED it work.

I WANTED someone to tell me it would.

I WANTED someone to tell me that I would not be another statistic.

And while many wished me well, ALL of them warned me of the risks.

And I did become yet another statistic.

Now, I am with a new guy, and I got the SAME responses this time when he cheated...on top of hearing "it happened to you once, didn't you learn your lesson the first time"?

and my answer was that it FELT different.

of course, that met with resistance as I had said that LAST time too.

anyway, my point is - that MOST people do not have success with a cheater.

yes, I am having success NOW, this time. and I gave you my info, so won't repeat it.

Just want you to know that you may not be getting answers because nobody can say yes to what you are asking.

July 11, 2007
4:12 pm
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mzr
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no you are not rude. You are absolutly right. My problem now is that i am afraid I will not be happy again. I had been questioning if i love him or not. I know this is also a defense mechanism because i am afraid of getting hurt again. What I can tell you is that when i think to my 10 years with him i can tell you they where wonderful.
I just don't know how to go about starting our relationship again. I just started feeling this bad till now you know.
And youve been great with you comments but i do understand that we have no control over anyone but ourselfs. I do know that i want to work things out with him and he does with me to.
Yesterday i finally had the conversation with him regarding things i need from him and things i want to change in our relationship. He listened to be and we discussed the future which was good.
I am just afraid of love at this moment but like you said, you felt it immediatly. I am feeling it slowly. I just want to know that there is a possiblity that things can look good for the future if we both try.
Like you suggested, I want to say to my self, i will put this to the side, i love this man, i want a future with him. But i need to let it go. Now i want to work towards the future and look at the good probablity because if i go into it waiting for something bad to happen than it will never work.
I want to know that if i want to be happy i can be happy. Im not putting it all on him. I am trying to work on my self because right know i feel like im going through some anxiety attack. And the problem is no longer that about the cheating is hurting me, rather, about me being to work towards happiness.

July 11, 2007
4:22 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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the cheating incident is a past incident.

IT can't hurt you right now.

the memories can, not moving forward can, not healing can....but what actually happened - that is done and over with - and can't be changed or undone.

I think that's the biggest lesson I learned thru all my counseling - I can't MAKE it go away. I can't MAKE it not have happened.

It did and it's done.

So, either I get on with things, or I stay stuck and in pain.

I didn't like staying stuck and in pain, so I made the choice to move forward...cuz I didn't like the pain.

Love is a choice, it is a risk.

You risk loving him EVERY day...cuz ANY day he could up and leave...there are NO guarantees in life or love.

You took the risks to this point. Yes, now you have gotten burned.

You can either reconcile to walk away and try again with someone new.

Or

You can work on getting thru the pain and finding your way back to eachother again.

As I said before - either he's going to do it again or not - but only time will tell that. NO amount of control on your part will keep him from doing it. You can't work so hard to win his love, to keep him from straying.

And likely, if you smother, he will push you away. OR he will see that he can use you, cuz you will give anything to keep him (IF he is a user).

So, the only choice is step forward and get thru it.

I really think counseling may help both of you...because this IS a huge hurdle.

If you make it thru, then you will know that it's time to move forward with marriage.

who knows, perhaps as he is nearing the end of his schooling, he is getting squirrely about the idea of marriage and commitment????? I know that my current BF had that problem, which is why he cheated (cold feet) BUT, when he realized what he had lost, he didn't want to risk that again....now, my ex...was a different story...he got squirrely for same reasons...but seemed like he didn't really want what I had to offer, tho he said he did.

We can all tell you alot of things here, but in the end, it's your decision, your heart...and you need to follow your own instincts.

look into some premarital counseling...maybe it will help both of you thru this.

July 11, 2007
4:28 pm
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mzr
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thank you so much. you are being a great help to me.

July 11, 2007
4:34 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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just "paying it forward".

many people have supported me, despite my mistakes in the last two years...I can't repay them the way they deserve, so I pay it forward.

July 11, 2007
4:37 pm
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mzr
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I am just so scared right now. I feel so lost. I have my good days when life seems great and i have my bad days where i think about the worst possible things.

July 11, 2007
6:36 pm
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lettingo
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Have you considered marriage counseling? I would think that betrayal and trust and the reason why it happened should be explored but I am not an expert in this area.

July 11, 2007
7:21 pm
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on my way
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mzr...

Sometimes feelings are misleading, as you say one day on and one day off. Try to hold on to what you know to be true, what you want to pursue and if it worth your effort and time. You sound so fearful to me at this point in time, as if you do not have this particualr person that you will not ever have anyone. Sometimes we have to be open to all possibilities to heal.

July 11, 2007
7:36 pm
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Matteo
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mzr ~ I can't tell you how to get there where the second time around it becomes a greay relationship, because it didn't work for me. I wasted a lot of time and emotional energy among other things. What I learnt - is that I wouldn't give anyone a second chance anymore. But - at that time I did what I thought is the best for me and my ex.

Good luck to you and I hope that your experience will be different.

July 12, 2007
11:28 am
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mzr
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The thing is that my emotions are so all over the place that I don't know if I am thinking right or wrong. When i see him i see how much i love him. I think back to when I didn't know why he was so depressed and I used to think i will help him in every way i can because i love this man. If I take away that bad day all I can say it that my relationship was beautiful and wonderful.

July 12, 2007
1:07 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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when the bad days start outweighing the good, you have to step back and evaluate if it's worth staying in.

you aren't married, tho been together long enough to consider yourself married...but like you said, you never lived together.

I don't know if you are going to find the answers you seek alone...I really think counseling may be the only way for you guys to work thru this "efficiently" without it dragging out long term.

they are really well trained to guide you thru recovery and work back to where you want to be, OR, help you reconcile the fact that it needs to end.

either way, a professional can help you answer all these questions.

have you considered the idea of counseling? what would be your objections about going?

July 12, 2007
4:56 pm
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mzr
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he asked me and i said nothing at first. But we talked about it again and i suggested it and he agreed. now we just have to find a place.

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