Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
Searching for THE ANSWER
April 9, 2005
11:44 am
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Has anyone out there at all gotten out of a good relationship (By good meaning a close friendship, always able to talk, never put each other down, feeling incredible love for each other), but bad because the circumstances were all wrong, without going through so much incredible pain? Is there ANY way to avoid it?

Last night I watched Fear Factor with my daughter, and two of the ladies had to lay in a box while tarantuallas were poured on them. It was very hard for them, they cried, etc. but they did it. The third lady absolutley could not, no amount of comforting, or cajoling could talk her into letting 500 tarantuallas crawl over her body, and she was eliminated.

I feel like that third woman. I am SO afraid that, while other people can eventually get over their pain and loss, like the first two women, I will not be able to go through with it and I will be 'eliminated.' I am scared that if I can no longer be with this person I have loved with all my heart for so long that I will never be the same again, in a very bad way; that I will cease to function as a person. I just cannot bring myself to put myself through that kind of pain, and it does little to comfort me that at some time down the road things will 'get better' because, to tell you the truth, I don't know if it honestly will ever get better.

So what is THE ANSWER? How can you leave a relationship without going through so much pain and suffering? Can you 'wean' yourself aways from someone? Or do you just have to bite the bullet and know you are in for the hardest time of your life and you may not survive it?

April 9, 2005
11:51 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Desert Moon I think the key to getting through a painful time is to focus on you and what you can do to make yourself happy. I realize this is easier said than done but it does help. Something I think is the more pain we are in the more it changes our life for the better once we get through it. I am not sure that made sense. My husband and I are seperated and most of the time I am okay with it because I surround myself with people who care about me. I am tring to learn what I like and what I want without him there. It is actually refreshing because I am whole without him. I don't want to be with him out of fear (of anything), and I want to love myself before I am with him again, if ever again. I want that more than I want to be with him right now. I am just now coming back, from being gone several months,so do you mind letting me know a little more about you and your situation.

April 9, 2005
12:16 pm
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

my story is so scattered over this post I cant even remember where, so sorry to the rest of you if I am sounding redundant. So here goes (again)

I got out of an abusive 20+ year marraige. Meanwhile I become friends with another man. I mean really close, head over heels in love close, this has been over three years now. He was in a bad marraige for many years was separated, and we were each other's emotional support. We have seen/talked to each other almost every day. He was always upfront about the guilt he felt leaving his kids, that he would have no choice to go back if he felt his wife was sincere about changing. But she insisted she wanted to divorce. Filed papers, etc. He tells her about us, and boom, suddenly she didn't mean all the things she said about the divorce. We part ways, I thought for good. Terrible, worst thing I ever went through. Then he contacts me, saying he handled going back all wrong, should never have jumped back into it, now struggling every day, not wanting to be there at all, but sees that kids are much better, so can't bring himself to leave although he is very unhappy there. So, here I am supporting him emotionally, he gets an intact family, feels guilty over the way he is using me, I feel guilty for putting him through this stress,(by letting him use me, yet I am using him also) but neither of us has the balls to walk away because we are so attached. So still in contact with each other. It's pretty messed up, especially since before all this we both had very low opinions of people who did what we are doing now. (we were both faithful before all this)

But - I have been trying very hard to do what you are doing - enjoy myself, explore what fills my tank and not relying on him so much. To a degree it has helped, but because we still talk, it could also be because he is not out of my life. When he was gone in January, I absolutely could not function. Everything was gray, nothing I did for myself made any difference. There was no joy whatsoever, it was all just kind of shrouded, nebulous.

But I do understand the part about having to go through pain to become a better person. It forces you to face something you are afraid of so you can learn to avoid painful relationships or better deal with them. But I am so scared of the pain.

April 9, 2005
1:02 pm
Avatar
tenderheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Desert Moon, I was once in a similar situation. I was married to a verbally abusive man and during my seperation (which in my case I was happy about it) I met a man who I was able to console to and he was going thru a similar situation. But my mind frame was that since my marriage ended and I filed for divorce etc.,that he was at the same point. I learned alot from this relationship because I was hopeful that I could have a great relationship with this man. I have never really had a guy as a friend and I didn't know how to just be a friend without allowing my feelings to get involved with someone who is going through a difficult time.

Well we became very close and his wife decided she wasn't happy without him, although she did cheat him and him on her, he still took her back. 1- I should have never crossed the line that I knew wasn't right. Because he was not divorced and he had kids. 2- He loved this woman. What was I thinking it's not like he would get over her so quickly, unless he didn't really love her. I have met alot of men who were in similar situations looking for a woman to make them feel good about themselves when the one he really wanted, didn't pay in mind to him.

I told them to just ride it out she'll come around. And they did. I have now decided to stay clear of these men. Because they pay alot of attention to what I have to say and they think they like me but they only like what I have to say for the moment.

It did break my heart and I felt suffering because I gave all my heart. I say give it time. Let him figure out what he wants and try, try , try not to get involved with him, by talking to him unless it is short and sweet. Because he is not being fair to his wife and kids nor being fair to you. Understand that you need to be loved fully. So stay strong this is not the end for you but a beginning. Your not abandoning him as a friend you are allowing him to work things out on his own.

Many Hugs to you Desert.
-tenderheart

April 9, 2005
1:23 pm
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you for your kind response tenderheart -

We did discuss that very thing - that this is not fair to me or to his family, and I had told him I need to give him his space. We see each other in class 4x a week and that has been hard as not acknowledging each other is a killer. After semesters end will be the real test. In alot of ways easier because not in the same place together. And I do know lots of guys are exactly in the same spot - the problem is these are really sensitive men who care about their families, the same qualities that attracted me to him in the first place.

I had told him He needs to figure it out for himself, without me clouding things. If I walk away I very much doubt he would come chasing after me, and that is what is so hard, because It would be near impossible for me not to obsess and want to chase him, because when I get in that state of mind I feel like Fatal Attraction, (not that extreme, but know how it could drive a woman that nuts) maybe one day she will leave but know that would be a long time if it ever did happen.

I guess I just feel like I would be alone the rest of my life because it would not be fair to any other guy who came along if I am always hung up on him

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
47 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109476

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714181

Newest Members:

petrushDazy, jimmiezp16, uthvfDazy, ybrbnbxDazy, fylhifDazy, rctyfDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer