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screwed up and drank last night-jewel
April 5, 2007
2:07 am
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jewel
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I took a bunch of klonopin and throughout the day about 10 vicodin within the last 6 hours. I feel a little tired, but that's it. I am really having a hard time coping with life right now. Everyone that knows my fiance and I see our love right through and know we are devoted to each other. Do you think I am feeling like this because I am a very independent person? I prefer a lot of alone time and it is hard for me to live with someone. We have been living together for almost 2 years. Next month, it will be two years. Should I have a serious talk with him about this or wait until things cool down and see how I feel then. I think he is the right guy and don't have a doubt. I just feel like some of my freedom has been taken away. Anyone else ever feel this way?

Jewel

April 5, 2007
9:02 am
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healintime
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Jewel, lovely,

"a curveball is thrown at me"

A curveball wasn't thrown at you - you picked up a drink. And you've abused your medication again today. And last week you were trying to get off the meds altogether.

Your body, and yoru brain, are being tossed every which way but loose right now by your regular abuse of medications that have a serious effect on your health and mood. You're a recovering alcoholic and you relapsed - mixing alcohol with benzos in the process. Day after, you mixed benzos with painkillers, in amounts that you just shouldn't be taking.

Honey, with all due respect - all of this - the mood swings, the anxiety, the depression - is very probably a direct result of your substance abuse. I really, really wish that you would talk to your doctor about it and find some help that will address the root of all of these problems. You were in rehab, then tried to go it alone without support. Nothing can take that year sober away from you - but by not being truthful about your recovery you were put on an at-risk medication that, from what you've been writing, you have been regularly abusing, have mixed with an addictive painkiller, and now alcohol, and have been hospitalized for overdosing on several times.

Jewel, I know that it doesn't feel like it but right now you have bigger fish to fry than your fiancee, school or the wedding. You know in your heart that you have a serious problem. If you didn't I don't think that you would write about it (it feels like a cross between a confessional and cry for help) every time you abuse your meds. Or would have tried to start the proces of going off them. You're not in control honey - you know it - and things aren't going to improve until you get the help that you need. Alcohol, painkillers and benzos are nothing to play around with.

I hope, sincerely, that you find the strength to reach out for the help that you need. Recovery is tough - but what you're putting yourself through right now is tougher.

Sending thoughts and prayers yoru way - please get help Jewel.

H.

April 5, 2007
10:41 pm
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jewel
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I am feeling lost and alone in this world. I hate holidays. I want to see my grandparents. My grandma has cancer, but I don't like being around a bunch of relatives. Everyone wants to meet my fiance. I don't know.

April 6, 2007
12:02 am
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jewel
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I had to go before. That is why I didn't finish what I was saying. I get nervous about going to the relatives, but then relax once I am there. I am just a mess right now. I keep on taking klonopin and I know I am going to run out before it is time to pick up my script again. I don't know how many vicodin I took but only have around 10 left. I had 60 pills last week. I even went to the er for chest pain and they gave me some and they are all gone. They don't even really do anything for me. I know I have a problem. I am trying to block everything out and I am having the toughest time coping with life. I don't want to go to rehab. My fiance doesnt even know that I have vicodin. I don't even act different. I am just more relaxed. And I sleep in a lot later. I don't know what to do with life anymore. I feel I screwed up everything. I am crap and I don't pity myself so please don't say that anyone. I am not sitting here feeling bad for myself. I am just not happy where things are going in my life. I have tried counseling and it does not help. Believe it or not, these boards have helped the most. Lost in this world but am hanging in there. I just want to take a bunch of pills and call it quits for now.

Jewel

April 6, 2007
1:08 am
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jewel
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bump

April 6, 2007
6:18 am
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CAMER
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jewel, you are stronger than the bottle of pills, which is just a temp escape.

From what you wrote, it may be time to just postpone the wedding, for your own sake and your fiance, it seems you are just not ready. And yes marriage, a lifetime committment, can you see yourself with him for a lifetime? well, you can always get divorced, but that's taking the easy route.

I think its time to soul search, still keep your fiance, forgive yourself for past mistakes and stop beating yourself up about the night you drank, that nite is done and over with, time to start a new day, a fresh day, a positive day.

((((((((((hugs your way)))))

April 6, 2007
11:26 am
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Shaney
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Hey there jewel -

In the state that you're currently in, I don't feel that you are in a position to make any decisions that will affect your life, except for one - and that's to take care of this ongoing addiction. It's getting worse, not better - at some point very soon, you'll need to admit that and get some help. I don't know what your reasons would be (I'd like to hear them) for not wanting to go into a rehab program - but I don't think you can afford NOT to.

Just so you know how serious this is, I've attended two funerals in the last three years, for friends who were addicted to vicodin. It killed them, and it will certainly kill you. Sorry, but that's the cold, hard truth that you'll need to face. Weddings, plastic surgery, attending school, and a job - should be the least of your worries right now. I see so many contradictions when reading your posts lately, which leads me to believe that you're not thinking straight at all. I believe that your addiction to prescription drugs has a lot to do with that....

Above, you say you need your independence and like your alone time, but when your fiance works at night you come here and talk about how lonely you are and all you want is for him to come home. You talk about how financially in trouble you are, to the point of having to cancel your wedding - but you're considering plastic surgery. Where's the money coming from? You make appointment after appointment, and talk about the dire need to attend these appointments - but you usually end up cancelling them. You talk about loving your fiance more than anything in the world and wanting to be with him forever - but then you end up in a hot tub with one of your brother's friends. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, because we've all done things that are less than acceptable when we've had too much to drink - I know that I certainly have. But I want you to see the behaviors, the mood swings, and the continuous contradictions, as the number one issue that needs your immediate attention. The wedding, plastic surgery, and where you're going to spend the Easter holiday, are diversions that are keeping your focus off of the real issue at hand - which is your addiction. We all have made many of the same mistakes that you have, and to different degrees - I'm not faulting you for everything that I've pointed out. It's not for me to judge you, or to scold you. But I think that I would be doing you a disservice, as your friend, if I consoled you and made you feel that this was all okay. It's not, and I know that you're smart enough to see that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. It's not going to get any better, until you take your life into your own hands, realize that it's worth saving, and get help. You know where to go, you know who to talk to, and you know how to start this process - but you're afraid to take that step. Who wouldn't be? But IMO, it's necessary in order for you to finally be able to make all of the decisions that are weighing on you - your relationship, your work and school life, your surgery... etc.

I'm sorry to come down on you like this - but I'm afraid for you. Write me back and give me your thoughts - Shaney

April 6, 2007
11:37 am
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Shaney
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Jewel - I'm rereading my post, and again, I want you to know that I care about you. My intention is not to hurt your feelings but I have a feeling that some of the things above will, in fact, do so - and I'm sorry. Just remember that I care, and that my delivery is sometimes more harsh than it is meant to be. :o)

April 6, 2007
8:01 pm
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katarina
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Jewel you need to go and get some help. how much do yu think your body can take? You keep abusing your pills. you need right now to focus on your pill taking that is way out of control. forget everything else. Go to AA counselor and stop taking so many pills. we all care about you.

April 6, 2007
8:50 pm
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smarterone
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Jewel, i havent been on for a little while and for the same reason as you. I am so messed up. Mostly cause i still enable my 30 yr old son and i know i shouldnt. But i am a vicodin user. Been given to me for two years now by doc, for the first 6 months i definitely abused it, then it stopped. I do take two every morning, it does ease my pain, but moreso, strangely, i get energy. Then again, it could be my mind telling me that. I also was on xanax, and last week, i took about 15, called my doc and told him i need to go away from this situation in this house,it is killing me. Some of the girls like Mama and Camer, know this well about me. He admitted me into the psych ward, and i stayed three days. That is where i found out, i needed to make a big decision, cuz there are people there with real problems, i am allowing others to make my problems. I definitely need therapy and i just think that there is an easy way out, but i cant do it. So now the xanax has been taken away and they gave me Klonapin, which i used to have, because they claim is not addicting, right. I dont find myself taking them to be honest, they dont calm me like the others but im trying to deal with it. I cry a lot and wonder what is the matter with me. Im not happy with my b/f, but he is good and like u, afraid to try again to be alone and make it cuz i know my son will always be there, cuz i let him. I can acknowledge that now, i just have to learn to stop it. But as for you, forget the mess up with the drinking, its over. I tried the honesty thing and i never lived it down. Pray for forgiveness. But as far as your relationship, you cannot start a new life until you fix your old one. You reached the one year anniversary, we talked about beach weddings, and dresses. But mostly you talk about "ending it". Your feelings are not going to change when you marry, its only a piece of paper. You need help, for you. You want to be loved and happy so much but cant cuz you dont feel deserving because of your other desires. Me, im 56 and i couldnt tell you what would make me happy, nothing does. I do know that when i have the balls to get my son out of my life, i might have the answer. Jewel, you need help big time honey. I do too but you are younger andhave alot of good plans, dont screw them up forever, get help. Good luck luv

April 6, 2007
10:35 pm
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jewel
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Thanks everyone. I didn't think that I would get so many responses. One minute I want to leave my fiance and the next I don;t. I am still abusing pills and he doesn't even know what all was prescribed. I am getting any doc to write me a prescription and they do. It is not hard for me. I feel guilty about the other night, but I am kind of over it because it was drunken behavior. Not something that I would have done sober at all. I am going to have to say that I will respond to everyone individually later. I don't have time right now. Or should I say that I am abusing pills and can't type too well. Shaney, I read what you wrote. Not mad at all. I am not mad at anyone. I have an open mind about this and appreciate the fact that you all are honest. Where would I be without all of you? Posssibly six feet under. You just never know. I feel good now. I am on a drug called ultram used for moderate pain. Doesn't make me all itching and nauseated like the vicodin. I feel tired and feel like I am walking on cloud and I only took two. I feel like I always have to be on something. I don't think I need rehab. DO you all? I can quit on my own just like the drinking, but why am I abusing it? I really think it has to do with me not working and just sitting around. I am not even taking classes now. Too much time on my hands. That will change soon. I am not going to screw up a job.

Jewel

April 6, 2007
10:45 pm
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) please know I'm thinking of you. Take care of yourself.

April 7, 2007
6:49 am
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healintime
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Jewel,

"Or should I say that I am abusing pills and can't type too well."

"I feel like I always have to be on something."

"I don't think I need rehab. DO you all? I can quit on my own just like the drinking."

Seems to me that you answered your own question there, Jewel. I hope that you get some help sooner rather than later.

H.

April 7, 2007
8:07 am
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risingfromtheashes
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jewel, you said you quit drinking without help.

but now you ask yourself why are you abusing pills.

cuz in the mind and body of an addict, when you quit one thing, without the proper intervention from professionals, you FREQUENTLY replace the addiction with another thing.

you may quit the pills, but you will find another vice/addiction...perhaps sex, perhaps work, perhaps food.

anything to numb the pain of whatever is in your head, heart, mind and body.

Until you face the pain and fix those wounds...you will always be addicted to something.

You CANNOT excuse what you did with the other guy as drunken behaviour.

Because you chose to drink, obviously something is not right. Because you kissed another man when professing your love to your fiance, something is not right.

If you truly want to work, why are you sitting at home? If not a paying job, why not volunteer to fill your time. You mention wanting to go into the air force because it is a noble/good cause. So is volunteering...it will fill your time and make you feel good...without a four year commitment and time in the war away from your family.

You just keep jumping from one thing to another...it's erratic, and it drains your energy.

Please consider professional help...you may not think you need it, but you really do.

April 9, 2007
3:41 pm
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smarterone
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Jewel, i know how you feel, i guess im addicted to needing something to make the day go by without me crying too. Called LIFE. Good luck

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