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screwed up and drank last night-jewel
April 3, 2007
3:37 am
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jewel
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Last night after over a year and close to a month of sobriety,I got drunk. To make matters worse, my fiance and I were fighting so I left. I thought our relationship was over and I got drunk. I ended up kissing and touching another guy. SHould I tell my fiance. THis is my brothers best friend and if he tells my brother, my brother might tell my fiance. This is a huge mess. I feel so guilty and I am afraid that I am going to lose my fiance. I dont want to hold this secret. I get dumb when I drink so that is why I quit. This is a good example. Any ideas on what I can do in this situation?

Jewel

April 3, 2007
4:29 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hey honey.

Rough time, huh.

Well, first, don't beat yourself up. Just brush off and get back on that wagon. Do your best to stay on. I want you to know that I am very proud of the length of sobriety you have had. Next time you'll do twice as long.

We all make mistakes. Some worse than others, yet mistakes. As for tellin him... hmmmm.... i believe the honest way is best, but I cannot say i'm not guilty of just keepin my mouth shut either. That you will have to decide.

((((jewel))))

April 3, 2007
5:06 am
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healintime
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Hi Jewel,

Mama C is right - don't beat yourself up. Best thing you can do for yourself right now is go to a meeting - you mentioned that you'd been to meetings in rehab? A slip can make you vulnerable to another slip, especially if you start beating yourself over the head about it. Getting some support from people who've been there might be really helpful right now. I know you've been reluctant to go to meetings but there will be a lot of love and support in there.

Hang in there,

H x

April 3, 2007
1:17 pm
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katarina
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jewel please get help. don't tell your fiance. stop drinking it dosen't help. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooo

April 3, 2007
1:20 pm
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CAMER
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((JEWEL))) hope you are ok, girl....know that yes, we ALL have
screw ups in life, its normal, so don't beat yourself up, just do the right thing and go back to a meeting.

As for telling your fiance, that is up to you, and yes it could make things worse being honest, or you could just keep quiet. I don't have an answer, only you know how you feel on this one.

((((hugs and support)))) camer

April 3, 2007
1:22 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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and please realize that if you were in AA...they would be telling you to not make any life altering decisions before you were a year into recovery.

this includes things like relationships and career choices.

so think twice before signing up with uncle sam...cuz it's only going to make things worse...and until you have a year of sobriety under your belt....you may just be heading for trouble.

many people in the armed forces DEVELOPE a drinking problem AFTER enlisting...if you go into it with one already, it's bound to get worse.

Mistakes happen...just cuz you fell off the wagon, doesn't mean you have to STAY off the wagon. Just like me and my dieting...just cuz I ate a cookie doesn't give me a license to eat the whole bag. Pick up and start again.

April 3, 2007
1:34 pm
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taj64
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Yeah I am wondering about you jewel. Take it easy. Don't put yourself in spot to compromise yourself right now. Maybe you are not ready to get married. I know a few drinks we might say something stupid but doing something stupid is entirely different. You can control some things. I know people have different feelings on what you do while drunk but I believe you can still control your actions. I don't know about telling him as that is personal for each individual. Im a truth kind of girl myself. I'd say for now work on keeping clean since you have done great with that up until now. So just start over again. It is life long battle for some, you just have to pick up and go on again.

April 3, 2007
4:51 pm
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Rasputin
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please hon...forgive yourself. we all have done wacky things sometime. so don't be harsh on yourself and let it be a teachable lesson to you from now on.

(((Jewel)))

April 3, 2007
7:17 pm
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jewel
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Thanks all!! I appreciate the feedback. I feel worse about kissing the guy than the drinking. I got his number today and told him not to tell my brother who is his best friend so it doesn't get out there. We were both drunk and that is the only reason that anything happened. He said he wouldn't say anything, but the guilt is killing. I told my fiance I drank and he is okay with that. I got home and he said that I smelled like a bar. It was a crazy night. I will write more tomorrow night. I am sick today and fiance is home. Thanks all for being there for me. I do need some help I think. I don't have plans on drinking again and was so hungover. TTYL

Jewel

April 3, 2007
7:49 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Glad you told him Jewel. Start the relationship off w/ honesty. That is important.

April 4, 2007
5:57 am
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healintime
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Hi jewel,

Thinking about you today and wanted to chack in. I don't know what you decided to do about meetings - and I know that it has been suggested to you on here before - but if not meetings I think that you could really benefit from a program of recovery.

Rising made a GREAT point, which is that joining up right now would put you in an enormously stressful place, within a culture that traditionally uses alcohol as a way to wind down when they have free time. She's also dead on about making big changes.

Your idea about taking a few days to yourself sounds like a good one. You wrote not so long ago that you had been "fine" since you stopped drinking - but you've had some real lows and you've written, often, about abusing your prescription meds.

All I can tell you is that for me, abstinent and "sober" feel like two different things. Sober is a sense of peace and calm, and my life functioning well. I have to be abstinent to have a shot at that - but I had a program of recovery to help me transition into a different way of living when I stopped drinking. Lots of great advice, and support, from folks who had been there, knew what an achievement it was to count those days, and who could tell me what to watch out for.

That year without a drink - it's huge, Jewel. A great achievement. During that year you had a lot of struggles - and a good number of them are typical of early sobriety. Did you know that there are online meetings? Even if you feel that you're too nervous to go in person to a meeting for now - you can tap in to all the things that AA has to offer you right there at your keyboard.

Thinking of you and I hope that you're feeling better today.

H x

April 4, 2007
1:40 pm
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jewel
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I feel so guilty still. I don't have the desire to drink anymore. I was just upset with my fiance and went off the deep end. I messed up. What can I say. I didn't tell him about kissing the other guy because it was drunken behavior and then he wll never trust me again when I would never never do something like that to him. I did tell him I drank though and he is not mad. Just concerned because I am on all my meds that you aren't supposed to drink with. I will write more later. I am too upset now and sick. I have pnemonia and my chest is killing me. Love to all!!

Jewel

April 4, 2007
8:38 pm
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readyforachange
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(((jewel))) don't beat yourself up honey...you have done so well and come so far! We all have setbacks, and we all screw up. Life deals us difficult things to handle, and we sometimes make bad choices. But you are strong enough to work through it. Go to a meeting, post here, talk to a friend or sponsor...you can work through this. We all love you, and we'll be here for you! Take care of yourself!

April 4, 2007
9:06 pm
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jewel
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I know I messed up. I don't really feel too bad about that. I had fun. I was drinking some beers sitting back in a hot tub outside looking at the stars. The thing that is really bothering me is that I messed around with someone else. I feel soooooooo guilty and that would have never happened if I wasnt drinking. How can I make this feeling go away without telling my fiance? I don't want to tell him because we have been together for 3 years and that would screw up everything. Just for messing around with someone for 5 minutes. Someone please help me.

Jewel

April 4, 2007
9:33 pm
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readyforachange
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jewel...you did this because you were drunk. You would never have made this choice sober. Your fiancee knows that you have a problem with alcohol, and you have told him that you drank last night. I don't think the details of what happened will help the situation, nor will it help you feel better about it. I have made bad choices when I am drinking, and I don't have a problem with alcohol. Sometimes I don't even remember what I have done.

Your fiancee loves you for who you are...you have said that over and over. He knows you messed up.

Confess this to a friend, write a letter you will never send him, get it out of your system. I know secrets can eat you alive, but this is a choice made under the influence...I don't know how far it went because you haven't said. Just don't be so hard on yourself...it has been a stressful time for you. We all make mistakes under stress and under the influence.

April 4, 2007
11:26 pm
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jewel
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Ready,

I don't remember everything. I just remember being in the hottub kissing and touching each other and then blacked out. I remember laying together in bed, but think he just held me because I was upset. I feel like I have guilty written all over me and this is so hard. I drank a good amount considering that I didn't drink for over a year. I drank over 10 beers and took some klonopin so I was pretty drunk. I was out of it at 230pm the next day. I just feel very depressed. I am sick right now and have been taking pain pills all day that the doc prescribed and I am taking klonopin. Nothing will mess me up though. I am so disappointed in myself. I don't even feel like going anywhere for easter, but already told my grandparents that I would come. My gram has cancer and I NEED to see her so bad. I haven't seen her or my grandpap for over a year. I am just so mad at myself. I am hating life right now. I was doing so good and getting out of my depression and then this happens. I feel so low right now that I wish I had the courage to just end my life. I can't live with this guilt nor can I tell him. How can I really tell him because I barely remember. Just some flashbacks and I talked to the guy yesterday and he said he wouldn't say anything. And that nothing much really happened. I think everything will be okay but I still feel horrible. I am not going to the hospital or rehab. I just need to go out and get working and move on with my life. I have my future sis-in-law kind of pissed at me now too I think. I don't even care. All that she seems to say anymore is that I am too skinny and need to eat. I see jealousy written all over her. I can't help that she is overweight and I am not. I never say anything to her, but she has the nerve to say I look sickly yet I have curves and a small hourglass figure. I just happen to weigh 100 pounds. Why does she care? I have been a bitch all day and irritated so I guess I am the one with the problem now. I am just sick of taking people's shit.

Jewel

April 4, 2007
11:32 pm
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Anonymous
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Jewel, I´m sorry about what happened. Are you maybe afraid of the commitment thing coming up? Not fear, nor guilt will do you good. I agree that getting it out of your system is sthe best thing to do. And while I don´t think your fiancée needs to know, let´s hope he doesn´t find out. Most imptt, it would be good if you could sort this out for yourself. hugs

April 5, 2007
12:35 am
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jewel
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Sin,

To be honest here, I think I am having a problem with commitment here. I feel that I am afraid to be with the same person forever and for some reason lately, I feel like I want to be with other guys. I love my fiance to death and he makes my heart melt with his sweetness, but I feel like maybe I am not ready to fully commit. Is that wrong to feel this way? I don't know what to do. I could tell him how I am feeling that I am not seeing anyone, but I feel like a commitment-phobic. I think in a way, I need to be with some other people and get back with him when I know for sure I am ready to commit 100 percent. I can't afford to live on my own right now so maybe that is why I am sticking around. I couldn't afford to pay rent anywhere since I now have a car payment. I could try to find an apartment with a friend or something if this is really what I am going to do. I don't know. Can anyone give me some advice? Has anyone else been down this road where they love someone with all their heart yet they want to see other people? I think I want this to prove that no one is better than my fiance. I wish I had a lot of money so I could do this, but I don't and now I feel even worse because I feel like I am using him for a place to stay now. But I love him with all my heart. Is it possible to live together and be civil and see other people or is that just too painful for the other person to see the one they love go out with someone else. I need some real help here. Now I really feel like a disappointment to my family if I break up with him because they all love him so much. IT just seems like I didn't calm down enough yet or something. By the point that I am ready for him might be too late though.

HELP ME SOMEONE!!!!

Jewel

April 5, 2007
12:40 am
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mamacinnamon
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Jewel:

Do you still see a counselor? If so, do you feel comfy tellin her/him about your true feelings? I don't think your feelings are out of line, but if you have second doubts, then please check them out. I didn't the first time around and I paid for 12 years.

((jewel))

April 5, 2007
12:57 am
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jewel
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No mama. I don't see a counselor. I hate feeling like this. Everything was perfect until the night that I drank. It is like I opened up a new can of worms because now I am talking to someone on the computer now too. Not cheating or anything. Just making conversation, but I feel major guilt from it. It is killing me. I just wish I could just end my life but I am not about to do that. There is help out there before I would go down that road. I don't know why I am feeling like this suddenly. Maybe I am getting cold feet. Maybe I miss my independence. I dont know. I am in love with my fiance and that's the bottom line. I couldn't ask for a better guy. SHould I tell him that I need my alone time or what. To think about things. He told me I would have to be the one to leave though and I don't really have anywhere to go nor does he. I just need to be by myself. Maybe I could try to find a friend to stay with for awhile until I feel better. I don't know what to do. I feel like taking a whole bottle of pills.

Jewel

April 5, 2007
1:06 am
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mamacinnamon
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Jewel:

Is there a date set for the wedding?

I believe starting a marriage w/ the same goals, same values, same beliefs. If you don't then the trust will always be an issue. I know coz my hubby lied to me. IF you go thru w/ the wedding and you are feeling this way then you will always wonder, you will not be happy in the long run. My opinioin of course. I believe in honesty, but you do know and I must say it anyway, that if you be honest he might walk. Or better he might not. Nobody can answer that honey.

You have to decide what you want to do.

April 5, 2007
1:12 am
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hbdude2k
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Jewel, you spoke your feelings on how you feel. That is what is on your mind, you need not to get married anytime soon until you grow up and mature, which is meaning that your ready to commit. Me, my X, and other friends say that your 30's are when your decisions are mostly made. In your 30's you have matured a little more, you get smarter etc. Right now you need to chill, make some decisions, get healthy and once you find health, you will realize how easy choices are to make. This is because being healthy means more self confidence. So all in all, you do what your thinking now, be honest with yourself and as poor or good decisions are made, the more you mature. Just move through life and you will get where you want to be soon. Good luck with some decisions you have to make.

April 5, 2007
1:19 am
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hbdude2k
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Your better than taking those bottles of pills at once. If your looking for pitty cuz you feel bad, well you won't be around to see pitty so its a waste of time to kill yourself. Stop with the pitty crap and move forward. Life gives you all kinds of great decisions and just by what kind of coke bottle shape body you have, lots and lots of obese people would kill to have a body like yours. Be good to yourself cuz everybody on here cares.

April 5, 2007
1:30 am
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jewel
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I am straight up scared. I don't want to lose the love of my life, but can't handle feeling this way. I am shaking right now. I don't know what to do. I love him. I write him love letters all the time and mean every word that I write so why am I feeling like this suddenly. I feel like I cant handle this anymore. I feel messed up in the head and can't think clearly. My fiance is going to be 33 in a month so he is older than me and wants to start a family. I do too so why am I all the sudden in meeting other guys out of the blue like this. I know there is no one that will give me the love that he gives and has giving me. That is not why I love him though. I love him for just being himself. I love him because he has so many great qualities and we want the same things in life. I love him and would feel like something was missing without him there by my side. What should I do? Keep on going on like this or say something. I think I just need time to think about some things and need that time to be by myself. I am not pitying myself. I just feeel like I can't no longer handle the stress of living. Please don't feel sorry for me because I don't even feel sorry for myself. I am just confused.

Jewel

April 5, 2007
1:50 am
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jewel
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There is no date set for the wedding yet but I think I am getting cold feet. I adore this guy. I can't just walk away. I don't even know why I feel the way I do right now. I am wondering if it has something to do as to how free I felt the other night. I don't know. I feel guilty as can be and I am about to have another breakdown and I have to find a job soon and I enrolled in summmer college courses already. Just when life seems to be getting easier, a curveball is thrown at me and I don't know what direction to go in. What a mess of a life. I found true love and I am feeling like this. No one can tell me I am not in love or I wouldn't feel like this. I am in love. I just feel scared about the whole commitment thing and worry that I am not making the right choice.

Jewel

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