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Scared to let the wall down
August 8, 2005
9:02 pm
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michigangirl
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September 30, 2010
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Evening all~

I have met a really nice man who I've been on three dates with. Thing is, he's NICE, which to me (a coda) equals boring. This really drives me crazy. Also, I am deathly afraid of loving someone again, and when I'm with him, he's very gentle and likes to put his arm around me and hold my hand, but I have this wall up that I can't let down! I've been hurt so many times, and I'm scared. He kissed me tonight, and I felt butterflies in my stomach--something I haven't felt in a really LONG time; that really scared me because I know that I'm on my way to falling for him. Please anyone help me to let my wall down and allow myself to love again...love someone healthy for once.

August 8, 2005
10:03 pm
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Rasputin
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Hi Michigangirl,

Take the risk of befriending this man. Keep your boundaries though - keep the physical intimacy out. In this way, you both get to know each other and decide whether of not you like and fit each other without any heartbreak.

Do not be afraid to falling in love again. Remember that true love is the one that ends with settling down together for the rest of your lives.
There is nothing wrong with the "Nice" guy. In fact, the "Nice" guy should be the aim and reach of all of us codeps.

Best of luck!

~Love, RAS~

August 8, 2005
10:42 pm
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EJ
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Hi Mich,

I think Ras is absolutely right. There's no need to rush either the physical or emotional intimacy. I think it's perfectly fine and healthy to take many months to get to know this person, see him in a variety of situations, meet his friends, find out how he treats his dog and his mother, see how he handles anger, frustration, jealousy, what he's like on a bad day or when he has to change a flat tire in the rain.

If he's a healthy person, he'll want to check you out, too, on a very deep level and take his time before he makes a commitment. If he's not healthy, he may come out with immediate (but shallow) attachment, declarations of love, proposals, and requests or demands for physical intimacy.

Just relax and enjoy the process. Don't lower your boundaries and don't feel like you need to rush to love someone you don't know very well yet.

Time and careful observation are your best allies in finding a healthy partner.

Lots of love,
EJ

August 9, 2005
12:16 pm
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michigangirl
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EJ & Rasputin-

Thank-you both for your advice. I am going over there tonight to watch a movie. I am going to work on letting my wall down and letting him in. Wish me luck 🙂

August 9, 2005
2:19 pm
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kathygy
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I would take my time in building trust with this man before I let him into my heart. You don't know him well enough to really know how healthy he is yet. Right now he's on his best behavior given that its very early in your dating relationship. Keep your eyes open for red flags. He may really be a nice guy or he may not. Too soon to tell.

love,
kathy

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