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scared, tired and feeling hopeless
September 6, 2005
9:52 am
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Anonymous
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okay, so I have come to the realization that this is all about me.

I had a total meltdown this weekend and don't know where to go from here - thank god my therapy appt is today.

I have been to therapy, one CODA meeting and have taken out every codependency and ADD book in the library. I am reading them - but only going thru them to see how they suggest we "recover" as much of all the books have similar stuff in the beginning about "identifying" where all this came from or what it is.

that being said.

I was having a hard time going back to the "trauma" of childhood - I have some recollection of "how" abusive my dad was, but not day by day accounts - I found that going back and feeling the feelings was useless cuz I KNOW where this all comes from.

What I didn't realize was how much anger and resentment I was STILL carrying around, tho I profess to having let it go. I CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED Friday night, angry cuz I wanted to talk and my BF fell asleep as I was starting to open up. So Saturday morning after I got my shower and was getting ready to go to my CODA meeting, I sat on edge of bed to get a hug and my heart was bursting and I started crying, my BF was awake and held me and talked me through the next three hours. Needless to say, I didn't get to my meeting - tho I probably needed it more than I ever did.

Bottom line is - I am angry at my dad for creating this "monster" I call me. I am angry that my dad is too ignorant and stupid to know or care what he did. I am angry at my mom and my bro for getting what I perceive as a free ride. I am angry that these people can do anything they want and get away with it - AND have a successful and happy life - because they are too stupid and ignorant to know any better.

WHY ME? why do I have to be smart enough to know I am a fuckup? why do I have to be smart enough to figure out what has to be done to have a "normal happy" life. why do I have to be so messed up that having that will take a tremendous amount of work. why can't I have people do for me. why can't I bury my head in the sand and make it all go away. why can't I be stupid and ignorant and now know there is better. why do I have to work at this. what if I don't want to. why can't I accept this "unhealthy" life and just be happy with what I got. the questions go on.

yeah, I am depressed. I am not suicidal. I am worn out, tired and exhausted and I haven't begun to figure this all out. I don't understand detachment, I don't understand let go. I am trying to learn it, but exhausting myself. and FOR WHAT???? to work my ass off for the next three years only to be "recovering" and have to continue to fight the demons inside me?

I thought I got it out of my system - sunday was better - I kept myself busy.

but monday I woke up feeling like I should stay in bed - I didn't want to go to my BF's family picnic - didn't want to deal - but I got up, showered and got ready. the whole time I fought back tears. I couldn't find clothes to wear - everything was washed, but I couldn't find socks or shorts - and only own two pair. It took three tries to find something to wear. Something so simply as going thru the pile that needs to be folded to find pants and socks was making me cry. I fought tears back the whole trip there. I put on my best face and tried not to have to look people in the eye. We got home and I checked in here, then went to bed early. BF crawled into bed and we talked a little and snuggled and I was crying again. Silent tears, with no apparent source, nothing, just tears.

okay - so maybe I am withdrawing from the strattera - I forgot to take it for a few days and then decided to go off totally and see if there is a difference - I think my problems are not ADD related and more related to the deep issues of CODA and the effects it carries in all areas of my life - cuz the meds didn't help a whole lot - but they didn't hurt, so I was willing to take them. But anyway, I have been off them before and didn't have this withdrawl.

I don't know what's causing it - I am having dreams of being nice with my ex, the alcoholic, I am having dreams of trust issues with my current BF and things from my past keep coming up - new memories.

why can't I just keep going as I was? why did I have to start down this path? what is the reward and when do I get it?

I now realize this isn't about my BF, it isn't about anyone else - it's about me.

poor BF - got to see a side of me nobody else has - the side that wants to quit and give up - this is NOT the person he knows me to be - he had a hard time coming to terms with the strong, smart, responsible person he fell in love with wanting to give up and "not fight". Only mom saw me sink to this level before. Ex BF saw some of the frustration I have, but never on this level or the source. BF has a newfound appreciation for all that I am struggling with. Dunno, but think some of the things I said and felt are hitting home with him too and making him think about his own issues. We are so alike in so many ways, I know he feels my pain.

In any case, I don't known where to go from here - I am tired, I don't want to fight, I don't want to work hard, I don't want to kill myself trying - for what? Why am I doing this? What is the payback? I have fought ALL MY DAMN LIFE for a crumb of pleasure, a crumb of success, baby steps, crumbs of approval, crumbs of what everyone else gets or has or takes for granted - why do I have to continue fighting? why can't I have what everyone else has???? or just be ignorant enough to be happy with what I got, even if it is WRONG?

September 6, 2005
10:01 am
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readyforachange
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((((((alicat)))))))

I wish I could take away all of your pain. I feel your hopelessness, and fear and complete exhaustion in your story. I can relate to the complete frustration over a simple thing like finding something to wear to a picnic being such a big ordeal...and sometimes it is!

It seems like you have a loving, caring, and understanding BF, which is such a good support to you. You can't change your parents, or the things they did to you, but you can work through your issues with them in therapy. It sounds like you are making so much progress in that area. You may feel hopeless today, and that's okay. But keep trying to heal yourself. You deserve it.

Holiday weekends are extremely stressful for me, too. I don't know why. Everyone should be happy, and have a good time, but I can't do that. I'm stressed out and exhausted by the time they are over. This weekend was no exception. I would have rather stayed home alone all weekend....maybe then I wouldn't be so mentally worn-out right now. But I survived, and I plan to do something just for me tonight to make up for all of the dysfunction I had to put up with over the weekend.

Hang in there...it sounds like you are doing all the right things to heal yourself....I wish you peace.

September 6, 2005
10:13 am
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taj64
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Hi Ali, it has been awhile. A meltdown is good. You have a right to be angry. It might be a good idea to find a book on forgiveness. I am currently reading on, however I left it at home but so far it is helpful to see that we can carry around a lot anger if we do not let things go. Forgiveness is very much a healer even though these people may or may not change. It allows you to let go of anger that is hanging on way too long as may be the case with you. I will pass the name of the book to you. I got this one from library. Accepting that your dad and brother did these things, disappointed you, is milestone, though you might not see that way. The situation with your BF and the possibility of a breakup has caused you to dredge up the past. Then you start blame yourself and asking why why why. You know that it is not your fault. Crying for your losses is perfectly normal. Now that it is all out, you can feel it and it will pass. And seems to me that your BF is sticking through it. Of course you are scared right now. Of course you are tired, because it is physically exhausting to feel all this right now. But there is hope. And it is possible that you are also withdrawing from this strattera and that can cause a lot of emotional up and down. Do you think it is good time to get off from it? Anyway I wanted to let you know that you will be ok. Think about all the good stuff in your life and work on that. You made it through the weekend! That is great!

September 6, 2005
10:23 am
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thanks.

I think I am dealing with other anxiety too.

my birthday is tomorrow.

in the past, my birthday was uneventful and painful. my parents always did stuff for my bro, had parties, you name it, cuz they had "money" in february, but were always broke in september - tax time or something - oh, dad got overtime in winter.

anyway, in the past, my grandma would only remember my birthday cuz her sweet "john's" (son) bday was near mine - if she forgot his, she forgot mine.

my ex bf was always forgetting and always showing up with guilt gifts later on when he came home with tail between legs days later - gifts were usually nice, but only cuz his bro picked them out (bro is gay with good taste).

anyway, my bday is tomorrow - and alerady I sense "nothing". current bf's parents are huge on celebrations, especially birthdays - there was no mention of my bday yesterday - and I won't see them again until the next holiday. reminds me of time my ex bf took me to his family party - they were celebrating his dad's birthday LATE, and his sister's early (she was visiting from seattle), and his mom being up from florida - my bday was the next day - there was NO mention of my bday. I was in a cast and my lousy bf got himself a plate of food while all his family joked with me about him remembering to fix me a plate - he didn't, sat down to eat, with everyone staring and was like "waht did I do"...his stepmom fixed me a plate after realizing what he did...they all went to the beach later and left me behind cuz I couldn't walk down and he wasn't gonna break the wagon trying to tow me down...later on I was tired, went to rest on the couch and while I was sleeping, heard his step mom go "oh, I forgot, it's ali's bday" and then put my gift next to me on the floor so when I woke up it was there - it got late, I asked ex BF to go home several times and ended up leaving without him cuz he wanted to stay and party - I left the gift too - cuz nobody had the guts to hand it to me when I was awake - I was totally forgotten.

anyway - that's how it always goes - and now my bday is tomorrow and I know it will be nothing - current BF has no money to do anything for me - and it's just another day.

maybe this is petty, but I feel like a "nothing".

meanwhile - my bday is overshadowed by current BF's issues with recurrent stress and nightmares, post traumatic stress from 9-11 attacks - he watched the towers fall and lost many friends there - was down the street when it happened - the nightmares start around the first of september and stop abruptly on 09-12 - and because my bday is during that time, he is too preoccupied to notice...and with the post traumatic, I feel bad, and think I should forgive him for forgetting me - but I don't.

I want someone to notice me and remember me.

I was brought up with the idea that holidays are just another day - my grandma flo always did something - and the family all participated, but as I got older and we all grew up and grew old, the traditions died. I tried to revive them but nobody else wanted to. I even invited BF's family to our home, but he said they wouldn't come, it's too far to drive.

I don't feel like I am making progress and if I am, it's baby steps and I am tired of making only baby steps for all the hard work I am putting into it.

I wasn't looking for "something special" to wear - I was simply looking for one pair of shorts to wear - I got tons of clothes to wear, but am too damn fat to fit them - and too damn weak and tired to do anything about it. All the clothes in the laundry clean were his or my daughters. I only own three pair of jeans that fit and two shorts - so if they are dirty, I have nothing. Things feel so hopeless.

September 6, 2005
10:26 am
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jamaicanwife
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You are not the only person who feels the way you do. My family swears by 'put it behind you and move on'. All the terrible things that happened to all of us in the past - I am like the keeper of the flame of dysfunction. My mother and sisters act as though everything is perfectly, and I end up being the difficult one if I even mention getting punched in the face or some other fun memory. Sometimes I feel as though these things never happened to anybody but me.

I used to be very, very angry with my family, a bit like you, actually, crying about them, feeling hurt by them constantly, but eventually, it worked itself out of my system. It took me a few years, but I finally was able to accept that the same difference in personality that made me hurt more makes me remember more and also means that I am affected more in the long run.

You know what helped me to come to terms with it? Don't laugh - The Princess and the Pea. Only a real Princess was sensitive enough to feel the pea under 20 mattresses - it wasn't all in her head, she wasn't just being difficult, she wasn't making a fuss about nothing. And neither are you.

Your family and mine are a bunch of peasants who just can't feel the pea - you and I have to upend our lives, turn over every piece of our past until we can find the damned pea and finally get a good night's sleep!

September 6, 2005
10:27 am
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I don't think the strattera has much to do with any of it.

I went off it cold turkey one other time, was off it for a month - with absolutely no ill effects.

perhaps it is withdrawl this time - and only time will get it out of my system. as for it's effect or what it did to help me - it's an ADD med and I see that my ADD symptoms are simply a side effect of my CODA - and not of true ADD. That my distractibility comes from personal issues going on in my head, keeping me from focusing on being happy, doing my job or keeping my house.

I could be wrong, but think that in time I will prove myself right.

I thought it was the withdrawl, but it's been almost a week and the worst is now, not when I first stopped them.

September 6, 2005
10:31 am
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I don't want to feel the damn PEA!

why me???????????????

I know it's not in my head. I know I am smarter and better - but I don't WANT TO BE. I want it to be easy, even at the cost of being ignorant.

my mom remembers the struggles, and the pain she did to us - and will work with me to make ammends - but I resent her cuz she works a job, gets paid more than me, works LESS than me, gets all kinds of benefits, including a car of her own, healthclub membership, time off for personal and medical needs and a trust fund cuz she can't pay her own bills and they want ot make sure she is "set". that's my resentment towards my mom...sure I think I am starting to feel pain about the idea she tried to kill herself when I was a kid - that's starting to surface and is new for me - but it's not what is the worst.

my bro - I don't think he remembers one thing about his childhood.

my dad - too stupid to want to hear it, understand it or care.

dunno how to get past it...I tried - thought I did it - actually understood that dad didn't know any better - but still hate him and resent him for it.

September 6, 2005
10:38 am
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(((((jw)))))) the princess and the pea, how beutiful a way to think of it is that!? Thanks!!!

September 6, 2005
12:28 pm
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alicat, I was mad at my sister because she gets all the breaks my husband and I never got. Here's an example - the company my husband and her husband started together before anybody got married is thriving now, and my sister is the office manager there. She goes to the gym in the morning, gets to the office by 10 and is gone by 3 or 4 most days to get the kids and take them home. They have all the things that I have always wanted. The joke - my husband had to sell his share in the business to pay storage and repairs for a van he had bought that got stolen and scrapped before he got it. And he had to sell the van to my brother in law.

Life is not fair. And bawling about it doesn't make it get any fairer. I tried. Believe me, I tried. If crying and screaming could have made things right in the universe, you would have everything you need right now.

And about the clothes - if you're like me, you're hesitating to buy anything new in a size that will fit because you intend to lose the extra weight soon. My advice is get yourself 2 pairs of jeans and some shorts that fit you NOW. Your self-esteem can't wait.

September 6, 2005
12:33 pm
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can't afford new clothes - that's the bottom line - my daughter needs new sneakers for school - and she comes first - she no longer wears kids sizes and has bad feet, so buying cheap/inexpensive won't cut it. In the meantime, my sneakers are worn out too - makes me a little bitter that dear sweet BF, who could not pay the bills two weeks ago, can find money to buy TWO new pairs of new balance sneakers and a new pair of jeans and belt.

everywhere I turn I find resentment.

BF told me he was not online at 11:30 sunday night, when I came downstairs to find out why he hadn't come to bed yet - claims he was watching race and that's it - yet just browsing thru truck club we belong to and see post from him at that time - so was he lying to me AGAIN????????

September 6, 2005
2:53 pm
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taj64
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Ali girl, it is me taj64, go out and buy yourself a pair of shoes. Find a place that has buy one get one free sale or at least half price. That way, you get a pair of shoes. I bought my daughter a special at Footlocker and also Ladies Footlocker has same sale where it really is discounted if you buy two. Don't fret over what you BF buys. That is his problem. You do not know what he is doing online, you gotta stop wondering or it will eat you up. Please stop focusing on what everyone else is doing, what they have, concentrate on what you can do for you. Bottling up this anger and resentment is allowing you to not live a healthy life. Forgiveness will free you this. It doesn't mean that you will forget but allows you a lot of freedom for other things in life. And it will take time.

September 6, 2005
3:01 pm
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alicat,

I am sorry you are having a hard time. Recovery does require hard work and committment. It sounds like you have a ton of well deserved rage. I belive the only way out is through. Have you done any anger work in therapy? Depression can be anger turned inwardc. It seems to me that you need to feel the full force of your anger and do a lot of anger work with your therapist if you want to feel better. Yell and scream, stomp your feet, beat a pillow with a bonka bat meanwhile saying the words that you feel.

It will get better. Feeling childhood pain hurts. But you need to feel it to heal it.

love,
kathy

September 6, 2005
3:05 pm
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I don't have the money to buy my daughter's sneakers, let alone mine - just pointed out that if I did have it, she would come first.

I don't know where to start, what forgiveness means - thought I had done that - one of the things my dad did to me - I resented for so long - then let it go - but now realize it's part of a bigger thing I have NOT let go of.

I don't know how to not be angry how to not feel how to let go how to detach how to forgive how to not....

letting go simply seems like letting the other person get away for hurting me - and that I don't have a right to feel those feelings or want it to be made right. If my feelings are right and valid, then how do I let go - that would mean I "devalue" my own feelings - which got me in this mess to begin with.

I don't CARE what my BF was doing online or that he even was - it PISSES me off that he LIED about being online - not that he was online. Why hide it? and if he is hiding that, what else is he hiding.

there's more to this story. I went to bed cuz I was tired - left tv and lights on figuring he would come upstairs and snuggle and watch the race with me upstairs - but no, he chose to stay downstair - and stay online. Well, at 11:30 I went down to find out if he was still awake - he heard me coming and quickly closed his computer half way and put it on the coffee table and knocked something over. When I asked him what he was doing up so late, he said five laps to go. I went back to bed and he came to bed around midnite.

I had a dream - so vivid that I have to wonder if it's true - you see, I used to sleepwalk, and carry on conversations wtih my mom, and in the morning, it would seem like a dream, but until I asked, wouldn't know if it was real or not.

well, my dream was that I went back downstairs and he wanted to show me something online and when he opened it, there was the end of an instant message convo he had with his ex wife (papers are not filed) - and he said "I love you!!!" and she responded I love you back...we then went to his cell phone bill and I saw that he sends her a good morning sweetheart text every morning and has not sent me my usual good morning beautiful text in weeks...the argument was bad.

this was a dream

or was it?

I finally asked him last nite and he said, no, I didn't live it, must have been a dream - this a.m., he sends me a text message - like he used to.

so, he WAS online, even tho he said he wasn't...so, did I dream that or did I really catch him typing that to her????

I was going to deal with my anger I experienced this weekend at therapy tonite - now the overriding issue is my trust with him.

make this stop!

September 6, 2005
3:09 pm
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no kathy, we did not do anger work - had two sessions and the first one was "getting to know you" and the second was dealing with validating that erich isn't making any progress and I have to deal with it and "let go" or make him leave so I don't have to deal with it.

tonite is session #3

and now the trust issues rear it's ugly head.

I can't win

September 6, 2005
4:21 pm
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Well the weekend is over. It does sound suspicious of his behavior with the computer. Either that or he wants to completely avoid anything to do with him using the computer to avoid a fight. I know people at work that when doing things on computer, they will position their computer differently for no eyes or suddenly hit the key to block it. I dont know ali. It just seems to be such a sad situation to be in. You certainly have the right to be angry. And you do not have to forgive, you are not ready, maybe you will never be. Forgiving yourself is a start and maybe you are not ready for that either. It is a process for forgiveness and takes time. The important thing is to figure out how to deal with the anger and resent not to take control over your life and to keep having that control you. You are not allowing him to get away with it, that is what letting go of angry is about, your state of mind. This is for you, not him.

As for no shoes, maybe in a few weeks you can have new shoes. You will get them, just not today.

You can make it stop. I think this guy is not going to change enough for you. It is emotional rollercoaster for you.

September 6, 2005
9:37 pm
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allicat,

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. You have a right to your feelings, and shouldn't supress them. You are very harsh on yourself; you called yourself a monster and all kinds of bad things, while from what you've said you are the bright Star in your family. Please try not to dwell on what the rest of your family has, and how easy it comes to them. Accept the fact, that life is not fair. But then... maybe it is. You have yourself, and despite that you don't want to be smarter, better and more sensitive than them, you are, and this is something many people would envy you for; possibly your family does too. I think it is a blessing to have a great mind and a beautiful soul. Appreciate it. One day you will feel better and then you realize how lucky you are, and how superior you are in comparision with them. What they have is just stuff. It may desappear, get destroyed, be thrown away or wasted; but what you have is priceless. No money can buy it. Use it, explore it, expand it, and enjoy it. The pain you are going through right now is a path leading to it. Take care.

jamaicanwife,

I think you are the keeper of "sanity" in your family. They are the keepers of disfunction, part of which is keeping everything quiet, secret and pretending that everything is OK and everybody is happy.

taj64,

How are you doing?

September 7, 2005
10:04 am
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thank you matteo - that was beautiful and it really meant alot to me - I will come back and reread it alot when I get low again.

so far today is okay - my BF got up a full hour late, and I was really expecting to be "forgotten" in his haste to get to work - as well as him missing his first therapy appt today - well, he made time to sign my birthday cards (two VERY beautiful, well thought out ones) and come back upstairs to give them to me before he left, and a promise for a road trip sunday - a surprise destination.

he was falling asleep on the way to work - and decided to not risk the two hour drive and pulled over and called out and slept in his car and is guaranteed to make his appt today.

yes, it will cost him financially - but in the end - I am not gonna stress over it - his health is more important and today he was simply too worn out to function (he is suffering post traumatic stress from 9-11 - happens every year at this time - and really kicks his butt).

my own mom forgot, as did my daughter.

but he remembered and recognized it and made the effort to get me some special cards - which made so much differenc in how my day turned out - the little things.

September 7, 2005
10:24 am
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Hi Ali. Happy Birthday! The day is not over, you are not forgotten just yet. Besides I know it is hard time for you with your family. Ultimately it is you that has to live with you everyday so be so less concerned with what they think about you and think how you feel about yourself. You are a loving person reaching out to people on this site, and providing a lot of help to others. Have faith for yourself. And that is very beautiful to get two cards, WOW, and a treat to follow. Lucky girl you are today! The little things in life is what makes life great. And if you don't expect these things, give it away or take with no expectations it is hard to be disappointed. Have a great day.

September 7, 2005
10:31 am
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Hi Matteo,

Im doing ok. I am having good days and some moments where I still have problems with getting over my guy. I am still feeling angry with the past relationship. But I am dealing with it and I found a way to work through it each time I feel it. When I feel angry thoughts, I think that I am better off that I don't have to listen to him saying he wants his cake and eat it too. He actually told me this many times and I still feel angry over being called the trophy wife. It makes sense too. He could pull me off the shelf whenever he wanted. I was the girl that he could not get in high school. It makes me mad to think of it and I know I have a right to it. And I also know that in time, I won't feel angry or hurt anymore. I am slowly but surely moving on. And I am OK!

September 7, 2005
10:36 am
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I feel like he "heard me" - if that makes any sense...

He only knows part of the pain my ex inflicted on me around my birthday - and they are pains he can't fix, cuz they weren't his mistakes - and while I "let go" of the past pain - the memories are still there.

I went to his family's labor day party and felt a flood of memories come back - from the last birthday I spent with my ex and the horrible day it was - and I had to fight not to compare the situations, no matter how closely they resembled eachother - and I think I did okay, tho there is some residual feelings, but not enough to throw me totally off track.

I admit, I went into today holding my breath - but he knew how important today was to me and he told me he wasn't gonna let me down - he felt bad he couldn't give me my gift today - and I think I know where we are going on sunday - but that doesn't even matter - he had the cards, and gave them to me when I least expected them - and that little thing made more of an impact than anything else could have...he is trying to learn how important the little things are and I think he is finally starting to get it. I don't care about any gifts - the cards and the message inside them was beautiful and couldn't have been more perfect - this coming from a man who can't understand why I spend hours trying to find the perfect card - well, he obviously put some time into finding these...we joke cuz when we met, we both thought it was funny how we both always send two cards - one funny, one serious - well, this time they were both serious - and very special - and I am happy to have him and them.

September 7, 2005
12:12 pm
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Matteo
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September 29, 2010
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Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday Dear Alicat, Happy Birthday to you!
Age is just a number! Age is just a number!

Hope you feeling better today. Have a nice day.

September 7, 2005
12:18 pm
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Anonymous
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September 24, 2010
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hey, I don't mind my number!

I actually CELEBRATED when I turned 30!!! guess I looked pretty good and confident that night too - cuz I found me a 23 yo hottie willing to give me a massage as my bday gift!!!!

I have had five people in the last few months tell me they think I am in my EARLY 20's and don't believe I have a 20 yo daughter - one of the people was someone I have actually known since I was in diapers - and she thought I was younger than my hot, chic, successful YOUNGER cousin - who she has also known since we were in diapers - made me feel REALLY good. Another compliment was from a gay guy - and if a gay guy can't read your true age and thinks you look alot younger, you know you are doing good!!!

I AM doing better today - therapy seemed like a waste yesterday - feel like I am getting lip service about this letting go and forgiving and detachment - but know that the answers will come in time - and I just have to be patient and let the process happen - I am trying - even tho I am dragging my feet, kicking and screaming the whole way - after all, what choice do I have? I am not a quitter - tho, I would love to just quit - it's not me.

thanks for thinking of me!

September 7, 2005
1:59 pm
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Anonymous
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oops, that's 12 yo daughter, not 20 lol!

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