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Scared of ruining relationship
January 26, 2006
1:22 pm
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LovingR
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I'm happy to find this board.

I'm in a long distance relationship now. Been going for 8 mos. Several trips made to see each other. The relationship has a nice foundation. We communicate well. But every once in a while I get the need to control everything or I feel un-loved for no reason if I'm not getting enough attention.

I've admitted to some big jealousy, too. The suspicious kind that has no real basis. I feel like a sense of distrust even though my bf has given me no real reason to do so. I get scared I will lose him. I spend way too much time thinking about him.

I've been depressed by all of these things. I've not told him just how down I am. I can't eat much. Sleep much. I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm starting to get hooked on various pills, too, to help me numb the pain. I'm very scared.

To make matters more difficult, I got laid off from my job 2 weeks ago. It is hard keeping my chin up right now.

Does anyone know how I feel? What can I do to break the cycle?

Thanking you in advance.

January 26, 2006
1:37 pm
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CAMER
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how about getting out and going to some AA meetings and see how others cope with the relationship issues.....being around others will make you feel better, it will take away that isolated feeling, and know that you are not alone.

January 26, 2006
1:45 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey LovingR - Welcome to this website and I hope it will be a blessing to you!!!

First off, my heart goes out to you for the losses in your life, your job and the dysfunctional relationship with your bf.

Sometimes it seems that it never rains but it pours and I hate it when life gets like that!

I really recommend you to back off and take an honest look at yourself and start working on your self, your emotions, inner-child issues etc.

Find a support group in your area. Logon http://www.coda.org so that you can find out the closest meeting in your area.

You also need to get some literarture and reading and I would recommend you to purchase these books: Women who love too much, by: Robin Norwood; Codependent no more, by: Melody Beattie; Boundaries in dating, by: Dr. Henry Cloud.

I would also recommend you to develop your spirituality. You are probably suffering from depression, low self-esteem, anger issues due to the dramatic losses that took place in your life recently.

Hang in there, things will get better!

(((Hugs)))

January 26, 2006
1:59 pm
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LovingR
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Thanks for such QUICK responses! I just got back from my local library. Unfortunately, my county doesn't carry any of the mentioned books. I'm going to talk to family about helping me to buy these. I feel like if I don't do something NOW, I'm going to fall apoart.

Rasputin, you hit the nail on the head. Low self-esteem, depression and anger. Doesn't feel good at all.

By back off, do you mean limiting communication w/ bf? We speak on phone daily. I'm afraid if I tell him that I've discovered I'm co-dependent, he'll not understand it at all. He doesn't really understand that I am alcoholic, which isn't a great support. But in his country, maybe it's seen differently (drinking to excess). I know who I am in that regard, at least. I am an alcoholic. Now I just have to deal with all of the scary issues that come with it.

Btw, Dad also recovering alcoholic and serial dater (when I was a child). I don't want to put blame on anybody for what I feel..but I wonder how much of my relationship w/ him is coming into play now with my bf.

Thanks again for the kindness!

January 26, 2006
2:06 pm
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Rasputin
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Yes, this is what I meant LovingR, limit or take it slow with your bf so that you can discover yourself.

BTW: These books can be purchased from http://www.amazon.com

All the best!~Ras~

January 26, 2006
2:33 pm
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kathygy
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LovingR,

you can bet that your relationship with your father as a child is playing out now in your relationship with your boyfriend.

All the feelings of insecurity and lack of trust are greatly magnified by the feelings you had about your father.

so that a lot of what you are feeling right now are far more about your father than they are about your current situation.

If you can get in touch with those early feelings it will diminsh the focus you have on loosing your boyfriend.

I think its a great idea to go to AA meetings and get support and be around people. You don't have to be alone with this.

Being unemployed certainly can make matters worse. all the more reason to attend meetings.

love,
kathy

January 26, 2006
2:58 pm
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LovingR
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Rasputin, I bought the Codependent no more, by: Melody Beattie on amazon used for $2!! Thanks for that!

Kathy, Thanks for your input. I guess I never really thought too much about relationship with Dad until now. He always had a woman with him and it seemed to me his focus, moreso than my sister and I who would visit him every other weekend. I don't remember not getting the attention I needed but maybe I didn't. What I CAN remember is if I disagreed w/ my Mom, I'd call my Dad to come rescue me. Hmm.

January 27, 2006
11:00 pm
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prfctmommy
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Wow, I just found this sight today and I am in the same situation. I just realized I am codependent. I know I am. I want to go to therapy soon. My fiance is so nice to me, I take it for granted. We have had some problems in the past with his exes, but I blow everything way out of proportion. He hasn't done anything in the longest time to make me think he is doing anything wrong, but I create it! He sees it and it is hurting our relationship. But not just that I am unhappy overall and feel unfullfilled and depressed and I expect other people to create my happiness and when I don't get what I am expecting I 'freak out'. (that's what my fiance says) So I may be rambling, but I'm glad I found someone in the same situation. Today he told me if he makes me so unhappy I should just leave him and that really hit home, I couldn't believe he said that, but maybe its what I needed to hear to start working on my problems. Because its not him that makes me unhappy, I do it to myself. Hang in there. Let me know what you have done to help yourself. Thanks.

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