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scared, I am trying to confront my problem and fix things
April 3, 2007
11:03 am
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balancesekr
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September 27, 2010
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I have been taking much better care of myself lately. I have been working out, doing yoga, I have a lesson later to learn to play an instrument.

The problem right now... I told my boyfriend I have been struggling with our relationship. I have been going back and forth about this relationship for a long time now. I totally struggle with codependency, my self worth, knowing my feelings, and owning them.

I dont know what is going to happen and I am scared to lose my boyfriend but I cant continue like this. Whats difficult is what is wrong? What is bugging me?

This makes me down that this is all my fault that something isnt working for me and isnt fixable.

I don't know what my bf is gonna say when he calls me back and I am not sure what I want to say. I care about him and love him but I feel so stuck and unable to move forward.

Anyone out there?

April 3, 2007
11:17 am
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balancesekr
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I feel like partially I am waiting for him to end it. I sit here scared that I have opened pandora's box, now he can dump me and I can be devastated, this seems to be my pattern.

April 3, 2007
11:28 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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balance,

I hear your struggle...and know it well.

As scary as it is to lose him, perhaps you need to let him go (IN LOVE) until you can get your head on straight.

By dragging him on your journey, you may be causing damage that can't be undone later on.

If you can let him go, focus on your needs, perhaps down the road, it may work out for you two. It may not, but it could.

If you continue to waffle on staying or going, he may just get totally upset and leave and not come back ever.

I think that as long as you are dealing with the uncertainty, you won't be able to focus on recovery and putting all the energy you need to into yourself.

and once you do, you may find the answers as to how you feel about him.

It's going to suck walking away...I just walked away from my BF, knowing it wasn't in my best interest to stay....knowing he wasn't worth it....but, it still hurts and I still feel lost and lonely.

It will pass. And you got so many other things to focus on, that things may get better if you don't have to worry about the relationship any longer.

April 3, 2007
11:33 am
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balancesekr
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hi rising,
I am so scard to let go. I will miss him.

I feel it will be me admitting ALL MY PROBLEMS and inabilities for love or something by walking away and letting go in love.

This is so damn hard.

April 3, 2007
11:55 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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you will miss him.

and I miss mine.

BUT - sometimes you gotta do what's in your own best interest.

and in the BIGGER scheme of things...not having to worry and stress over whether or not you love him or whether or not you are hurting him....will relieve your mind and make you able to focus on figuring the rest out.

It does NOT mean you can't love EVER....just not now.

and he may be more open to something down the road if you let go in love....instead of him letting you go in anger or hurt.

He will respect you for doing the right thing...than if you hurt him with all your indecisiveness.

It sucks to think you made a mistake....but we all make them.

I'm sitting here thinking I have egg on my face for taking my guy back, and then have this happen...that I got him a job here, and now this happens....that everyone here knows...but me. But such is life. And everyone knows how respectful I am, so in the end, they will know who the piece of shit is.

If you guys part on GOOD TERMS...it may benefit in the end...you can try again later perhaps, when you are in a better place emotionally/mentally.

I wouldn't start believing you are incapable of loving....just know that NOW is not the right time...that's all...and no fault in that.

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