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Scared. Help, need advice!
January 23, 2005
8:28 pm
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shyshy
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For those of you who are not familiar with my story I am involved with what I believe is a narcissist who's jacked me up agains the wall a few times and smacked me twice. he's been complaining for a while now that he always has a hard time reaching me on the phone. I was just talking to him cause he called and he said we need to talk and could I please make some time tomorrow to talk. At first I said ok but then I called him back and asked him to just tell me what's on his mind over the phone. He says it's about stuff he'd rather to about in person and do I have a problem with that and I said "yes as a matter of fact I do. I don't want to end up getting jacked up agains the wall" He says "that's what I'm trying to prevent by having this little talk" This guy's an asshole and I'm still with him for the simple reason that I have no one else. He has put nothing into the relationship except chaos and drama. I want to give him a really good piece of my mind except I really don't know what to say. I'm not very good at expressing myself. It's like I have all these issues about him but can't put them all into words when I need to unless of course I'm PMSing and then I have no problem but right now I'm not and he just ruined my evening by telling me this. I'm thinking about telling him that if he wants to talk he's going to have to come over to MY house but on the other hand, my kids are here and I don't want them all in the middle of it. Someone please help me decide what I should do about this!!

January 23, 2005
8:32 pm
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princess44
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I don't understand why you are in a relationship where you sound so scared and you don't have any control. It sounds as if he has all the control and you are not equals. Is this worth it? And with children in the shadows of a man that sounds like he can't control his emotions. I don't know if this is worth it. Maybe meet him in a public place for coffee.

January 23, 2005
8:38 pm
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art angel
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shyshy-

You said "I'm still with him for the simple reason that I have no one else." What? That's no reason to stay in a relationship. It sounds like he only causes you fear, pain and negative emotions, too, so why be with him?>???

January 23, 2005
8:39 pm
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DTEE
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Shyshy .... I wouldn't talk to him at all. But if you must talk to him. Do it on the phone. Don't put yourself in a position to get hurt. Take some control of the situation and talk on your terms.

January 23, 2005
8:40 pm
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shyshy
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Yeah, I know. It sounds pathetic huh? I am pathetic to still be in this!! Either I'm really codependent or just plain ole stupid!! I was thinking of just telling him whatever the hell it is he wants to complain about he can say over the phone. In public won't work because he loves public attention!

January 23, 2005
8:42 pm
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shyshy
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DTee, that's exactly what I was thinking. I'm so upset right now I'm shaking. Not because I'm scared of him really because I have no problem kicking his ass if he lays a hand on me (I've given him a black eye) that type of behavior is just not in my nature and I'm trying to avoid it. I don't know what I'm capable of doing and I have kids at home I need to think of.

January 23, 2005
8:45 pm
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shyshy
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Part of me wants to just go over there tomorrow, listen to what he has to say and tell him everything that's been bothering me, but on the other hand, been there done that, it always ends up in this huge argument because he takes everything as an insult and he's God so obviously whatever I have to say doesn't matter so why even bother??

January 23, 2005
8:49 pm
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shyshy
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I'm signing off now and trying to get some sleep. If anyone else has some thoughts on this I will read them in the morning when I get into work and respond when I get home. Thank you all for your input. It's so nice to have someone to go to.

January 23, 2005
8:57 pm
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DTEE
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SHYSHY... Then you should do it on your terms. You are right to think of your kids first. One thing I have zero tollerance for is abuse against women. Please don't put yourself in a position to get hurt. Do it on the phone and walk away from this dude. He doesn't seem worth all of this.

January 24, 2005
4:18 pm
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shyshy
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Hi ya'll. I went to bed last night after I logged off and couldn't sleep so I picked up the phone and called him. I told him if he wanted to talk we could do it over the phone and that I was not going over his house and he says "why are you GUILTY?" I said "I ain't got SHIT to be guilty about!! I already know what you might want to talk about anyway" and he says "well then you keep that thought in your head then" and he hung up on me. I called him back and asked him why he hung up on me and he said cause he didn't want to argue so I said "That's why I don't want to go over to talk cause it always ends up in a huge argumen so if you want to talk, it doesn't have to be tonight but it's NOT going to be in person, goodnight!" and I hung up. I haven't heard from him since. See, I already know what he's going to bitch about. He can't get through to me on the phone sometimes because he's either calling my cell phone and I'm out of range or I'm online and he can't get through on the home phone. However, if he really wanted to talk to me when I'm online he could very easily call the cell and would get through. But I have call waiting so if he tries to call me when I'm online it rings for him but not for me so he thinks that I'm just not home and because he has control issues he won't call the cell phone and if I am out he'll tell me later that he tried to call me but I wasn't home. He thinks that by doing that I'm going to want to stay home and wait for his calls!! That way, I'm not out cheating on him or living my life without him!! He also hasn't mentioned anything at all about my sudden desire to go back to school and while he should have nothing to say about that I know he has issues with it because it will take time away from HIM!! Besides that, is the issue of me being constantly online. I know he thinks I'm online chatting to men because his ex used to do that. But I'm not. That's no my thing. I'm pissed because I feel he has no legitimate excuse for "having to talk" because he's lucky I'm even still around!! Anyway, he hasn't called me at all today and I doubt that he will because I had the last word and he hates it when he doesn't have the control so he's going to play the silent treatment for a few days thinking that he will punish me enough to want to talk to him again and then pretend nothing happened.

January 25, 2005
7:29 pm
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shyshy
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Day two of no call from Mr Narcissist!! I knew he would do this to me. Is he trying to take control of the situation by not talking to me now? Or is he just punishing me. Either way, he can kiss my MF ass cause the longer he goes without calling me the easier it gets to get over him!!

January 25, 2005
9:44 pm
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Alegab
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SHY- Its a no win situation with these kind of people. I know you know that by now. These people want TOTAL control and they won't let up until they get it.

They are toxic, distructive, selfish, harmful and the list goes on and on. Can you think of one positive thing of him? Why risk your life for someone like that. They are capable of anything. I don't mean to scare you but your life is at risk.

I'm not only concerned for you but for your children. You never know with these kind of people, he might try to get at your children if he can't get to you.

You did the right thing by not going to talk to him or allowing him to come to you. Whatever he wants to tell you is probably only a trick to get you to see him. Tell him to call you on the phone, write you an e-mail or a letter.

Being with someone abusive and dangerous is no reason to stay with them. Its risking your life. HE IS NOT WORTH THAT. Be good to yourself and take care of your children. It seems to me he is definitely not the right person for you. Loneliness is hard to deal with, i can understand that. Is he good company or are you always on guard and feel like you're walking on eggs?

I don't mean to be harsh in any way. I would like for you to be safe and happy.

Time is a healer, once you put him behind you, you will be ok. Have faith and have patience.

Please take care.

Alegab

January 25, 2005
10:02 pm
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Worried_Dad
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shyshy,

It's hard to read your posts without spaces--hit "enter" or "return" sometimes, ok?

Anyway, if he's a beater, he will most likely get worse without special intervention.

And if he's a narcissist, he does not care what you have to say--doesnt actually care anything about you at all except that you give him what he wants.

Run, while you still have some semblance of mental health. A normal person cannot survive a relationship with a narcissist and come out of it without damage. Don't even try.

I don't like him trying to get you alone.

January 26, 2005
7:44 pm
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shyshy
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Hi Alegab: Thanks for responding. You asked if I could think of one positive thing about him? He has a stable job history and is very handy around the house and with cars. He is also very good in bed. But then, I really wouldn't know because I've only been with two guys in my life.

Is he good company? Yes, he is most of the time. The only thing is that we always end up doing whatever he wants. He has no interest in my life at all. He used to be worse because at the beginning he didn't even like me engaging in conversation with his roomate but after a couple of years of being with him he chilled out in that area.

Hi Worried Dad:

He's never been diagnosed a narcissist but after reading on the subject every narcissistic trait mentioned matches him to the T. At the beginning of our relationship he was doing all this stuff around the house for me but it didn't feel right. It seemed like there was some motive behind it and I hated feeling that way because I thought "he's doing all this stuff for me so why do I feel this way". It just didn't add up with the way he was acting in other areas. Plus, he would never do what I needed done, it was always what he felt like doing.

After reading on narcissism I finally put a finger on all that I was feeling. He was only helping me out during his manic phases. It gave him something to do and something to keep busy with. At the same time it gave him a feeling that MY house was also HIS. Everytime we got into an argument he would throw all that in my face. "After everything I've done for you!!" and he never finished anything he started. It was all like a challenge to him and once he figured out he could do what he was trying to do he would put it down and start on something else.

Everything he did for me is half finished. Besides all that, eventually I paid him for it because I got tired of him throwing it all in my face, even though I never asked him to do didly squat for me!!

Today is day three of no call from him and I am not calling him. If I never hear from him again I will move with my life as if he didn't exist!!

January 27, 2005
2:23 am
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Phalic_Liberator
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Shy Shy,

What will you do if you hear from him again?

January 27, 2005
2:29 am
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godsgirl
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I hope that you will just let him go. Cut off the relationship completely. If you can't even trust him not to hurt you if you talk in person or trust him around your kids then you just need to get out of the relationship. You are better than that. Maybe right now it seems like he is the only one, but you will find someone better. Learn how you should be treated, you are worth it.

January 27, 2005
4:14 pm
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shyshy
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Phalic: What will I do if I hear from him again? I don't know really. In the past I've told myself I would not answer his calls but as soon as he called I would pick up the phone. This time I'm telling myself the same thing but the more times he does this to me the easier it gets to let go so I'm hoping that I will be strong enough to not answer. I've signed up for no contact Thursday so I think I can do it.

I was looking as his cell phone bill today and noticed that he called his ex last night and spent a half hour on the phone with her. I think he is probably looking to replace me as his narcissistic source of supply by going back to his ex. So if I'm lucky, maybe he just won't call me ever again!!

January 27, 2005
4:17 pm
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shyshy
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Godsgirl:

I've been telling myself I need to let this man go since the very beginning. I would have been perfectly content with it just being a physical relationship till I found someone else but he complicated it by telling me he wanted to be the only one. Of course, why would that surprise me. I would have thought he would have been like most men who wouldn't have minded having the piece of a$$ without the committment but of course he's not a real man!! He's an empty shell!! An empty shell that wants to control everything!! Anyway, I'm trying and I hope that he never calls me again!!

January 28, 2005
6:33 am
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shyshy
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He called last night at 11p! I was already asleep and picked up the phone because I don't have caller id. All he said was "I love you and I miss you" I just said "ok" and he said goodbye and hung up.

January 28, 2005
12:28 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Whether he's a narcissist or not, a man who has already hit you twice and 'jacks you up against the wall' when you oppose him is not sincere when he tells you he loves you. He misses having you under his control, and is telling you what he thinks you want to hear to get you back in line.

You need to make a clean, complete break. You're already scared, trust your instincts.

January 28, 2005
12:49 pm
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addicts wife
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Im afraid that talking to him in person would only open the doors to him manipulating you. Ask yourself, perhaps, is it worth losing yourself by staying in this relationship. perhaps youre only as alone as you make yourself. dont leave room for being mistreated. There are a lot of supportive men(and people in general that will respect you, and not mistreat you. Sometimes, after breaking out of a bad relationship is the most empowering time in peoples lives.by "beingalone" you may end up forcing youself to trust yourself, and you may find that the more you trust yourself, the less fear you will have, and HOPEFULLY you'll find that if you trust yourself FIRST that there won't be any room for people to mistreat you.

January 28, 2005
6:58 pm
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shyshy
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Well, he called me at the house today and because I don't have caller id I didn't know it was him. I had a hunch though cause he had tried calling the cell phone. I picked up for the simple reason that I didn't want him showing up at my house. He said "hello" I said "hey, what's up" and he said "That I love you and miss you that's what's up" I said "oh yeah?" He said "you don't believe me do you?" I said "no, I don't" He said "Well, that's all I can tell you" I said "I think you just tell me what you think I want to hear" and he said "Is that what you think?" I said "yes" He said "well, that's all I can tell you, bye" and I said bye and hung up.

Your post really got to me jamiacan wife. I don't know why I didn't see that before. After reading your post and thinking back to his past actions after an argument I realized what you said is true. He always says what he wants to hear just to get me back where he wants me. Today he is all alone at home because his daughter moved out and his roomate is away on business. Plus it's the weekend so I'm sure he's looking for some action!!

Addicts wife:

A friend of mine was telling me that maybe I should create a thread about what my main issue is which is the fact that I have no family because they are all dead and that's why I fear being alone. I told her, I'm beginning to wonder if that's really the case with me. I still have a brother I can go to, even though he doesn't call me ever, and some cousins. I think my main issue is that I'm not comfortable with myself. I don't believe in myself enough to feel like I don't need someone else in my life. It's scary because I don't even know who I am. But, I can say that tonight for the first time I feel ok about not being with my narcissist boyfriend. I have plans to go out with some friends I feel like if they cancel I'm ok with just staying home and watching a good movie. I think I'm growing.

Thank you all for being there for me. I will keep you posted as the drama unfolds!

January 28, 2005
7:01 pm
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shyshy
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jamaicanwife: What I meant to say was that I noticed he always says what he thinks I want to hear to get me back to where he needs me.

January 29, 2005
2:05 pm
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jamaicanwife
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I hope you can get out of this situation safely. I watched my father do this to my mother for eighteen years, and even when he didn't hit her, he found ways of making her suffer. But in between times, he was the most romantic man alive. She left him for a whole year once, when I was 10, and I still remember how confused my sisters and I felt when we all moved back in with him after he bought her some flowers and dedicated a song to her. She loved that song, still loves it even now, i think, although they have been divorced for 17 years.

He never hit her after that year, that any of us saw, but he started hitting us when she wasn't around.

I can only talk from my personal experience, but I think you should put your children first; you can't have someone in your life who you can't trust.

January 29, 2005
6:24 pm
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destino
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Be careful he did it once he will do it again and next time may be worse. Sounds like he is unstable better speak on the phone, if you meet in person and he doesnt hear what he wants to hear that could put you in danger if he touched you once why do you think he wont do it again? Trust that he will dont take a chance please

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