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SCARED FOR FRIEND SAFETY, BUT SHE IS ALLOWING IT
July 24, 2007
1:12 pm
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nappy
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As I am writing this, I thought to myself that it is a shame that a woman feels like she must take such abuse in order for her to feel that is she is being loved by a man or to feel that this is all that she is worth but at least I have a man. It is a crying shame but as a friend what can you do. I realize that she is not the only woman out there that is like this.

I have been knowing my friend for a very long time, we have went through hell and high waters with each other in life. We both give our opinion to each other and leave it at that. We both only really answers each other questions with life experiences that we have went through. But sometimes when a friend is getting themselves into something that you already know is going to go bad but as a friend I have to let her go through it and I will be there for her but at the mean time, I had to let my friend know that I do not want to talk about her boyfriend again. I don't mean to be mean but it is the same thing over and over again and it does not sound good at all. I have given my opinion and I have left it at that but somewhere in there she wants me to say something to her but I don't have the answers that she is looking for because the things that she is saying to me about him is not normal and it is not right.

She will be moving in with him in January of 08. That will be a bad mistake. My fear is there for her but it will be even more when she move in with this guy. His red flags are flying very high. This guy is not normal and he will hurt her. I don't want to see my friend hurt in anyway but I have learn that this is not my problem and there is not anything that I can do about it.

But one thing that really disturb me about this guy but it is not only his fault, it is her also because she is allowing it is that he, I will call this rape because when she is sleep, he is already inside her (sex) and there is nothing that she can do about it because he has her pin down. Wait until she start living with him and she is really saying NO, what then?????
He makes her see him every night because he works late and she works in the morning, so he calling it trying to see her but as soon as she walk through the door, he is pulling off her clothes and ready to have sex and then he want to entertain, she don't go to bed until at least 2:00 in the morning but he don't have to go to work, she does. But it is her fault for not setting boundaries with him. And by looking at her it is taken a toll on her. He's the alcholic, she is not.

He is what you would call damage goods. He had just gotten out of a relationship before her and now he is taken it out on her. She is a peaceful person and a kind person but I already know that he is trying to suck the life out of her because of what someone else did to him. He is very very very insecure and she has to be his cheerleader everyday. I told her that don't you think that it is something wrong with that. She thinks that she is teaching him.
I told her that it as been how long and he still don't understand the word NO. Please.
This man drinks like it is no tomorrow and she see that but she is so happy to have a man. He makes her do things in bed that she don't feel right about doing, but she is happy to have a man. He does threaten her if he feel that she will look or say something to another man, but she is happy to have a man. She wants to spend time with him to get to know him and his hobbies, but he has her lock up in the room until he is finish, but she is happy that she has a man. She wants to be a normal couple at least, but he don't get it, but at least she have a man.

She will always be my friend and I will always love her dearly but I do not want to hear another things about this person. I don't know what to say to her that I haven't already said to her and she get mad at me because I don't response to much to what she is saying. She is always complaining about the same thing and I am there to listen but she get mad at me because I want respond. She don't understand that what he is doing is not normal and then it is in my head of what he is doing to her. I don't want to even think about it. I feel that we are grown and we make our own choices in life. If that is what you want and need in your life, then go for it but to me it is not right but I am not here to judge anyone happiness in life but I see that there happiness only lead to pain later on in life. I told her that I understand about the joy and the hopes but it a shame to wake up years later and find out that all of the hopes that you had for this man, he is still the same selfess person that he started out as and by then he has suck the living daylight out of you and then you realize after all these years that you have became very codependent on this person.
I just feel that as we get older in life, there is at least some things in life that we better had understood and this is the time that we do have choices for our happiness.
Just wanted to vent because it is a lost cause for my friend, but I guess she have to go through it in order for her to understand just hope it don't be to late for her.
Nappy!

July 24, 2007
1:54 pm
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mj
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She's lucky to have you Nappy as her friend.

July 24, 2007
2:42 pm
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_anonymous
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I know that this must be very frustrating on you. This friend is more concerned about what this man wants that what she wants. She is as addicted to his insanity as he is to alcohol. We all know with an alcoholic that no matter what we say and no matter what we do they will keep on drinking until they hit rock bottom which could be getting into a bad car accident while driving under the influence, going to jail, loosing a job, having their partner walk out, etc. and there are some who will drink until they are 6 feet under. Same thing with your friend she will keep up with her destructive lifestyle until she hits rock bottom. Unfortunalty the rock bottom that women hit is usually getting hit. And unfortunatly even after that they still choose to stay. What can we do as a friend? Listen, they will quit taking about when one of 2 things happen they leave the guy or they decide to quit talking about it. I know you mean well if you are giving advice but she is not receptive to that. She needs professional help. And that is something she needs to decide to obtain. I am married to an alchoholic. The only thing that worked was making the decision to call 911 and put him in jail.

You may want to remind your friend that relationships are about feelings. Good feelings. Ask her if what he is doing is making her feel good? If not then why is she allowing it?

You may also want to find a womans support group, tell her you want her to keep you company while you attend it.

I hope she appreciates your concern.

July 24, 2007
2:47 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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nappy,

my mom once taught me - you can't keep a child from falling, all you can do is help them up when they do.

it took HER a long time to learn this, as a mom, she felt it was her job to protect her "children" from the big bad world and getting hurt from various things.

she had a very bad thing happen to her, once, when we went to visit our family friends...my little friend was at the top of the stairs by the railing, and was excited to see my mom....she did a somersault over the bannister, which we had done before....but missed the edge of the landing, and fell and tumbled down the stairs...mom was at the bottom and tried catching her, but missed....the little girl landed at her feet...was rushed to ER and spent a few days in the hospital with severe injuries.

None of this could have been prevented...and mom tried, but couldn't catch her...it happens, that's why they call it an accident.

mom had nightmares and such over this for years...then when my bro got older, he became a heavy drinker...again, mom wanted him to stop and clean up, but he wouldn't....she worried many nights about it, but therapy helped her learn that her "kids" will do things that hurt, and the only thing she can do is be there when they do fall.

your friend seems desperate to have any man...as you point out...and figures she can "save" this one.

we all know how this will end...you know it.

the best we can do is help her when she falls...create a relationship where she knows you will be there.

my best friend has watched me make stupid mistakes time and time again....I wasn't in physical harm...or she would have done something...but she stood by while I whined and complained about my BF, then went back to him and kept at it for another round.

she is honst with me...when I am ready to "hear" her, she tells me how she felt being put in this position.

funny thing - now that my life is "stable"...we talk SOOOOOOOOO much less...and our relationship has changed.

makes me wonder if she is the type of friend that wants to be involved in the "junk" and now that I am not going thru it, she found other people with chaos in their lives to buddy up to.

doesn't matter to me...I still love her...and we are so far away now that it doesn't hurt us like it may if we were close.

but I do feel a "distance" and wonder, is it from physical distance or because my life is less dramatic now?

I guess my thought to you is - if your friend didn't have this chaos going on - what would hold you two together? what kind of bond do you have?

maybe you can focus on the bond you have outside of this relationship - and try to stay away from getting involved in the chaos and stay focused on the other good stuff that keeps you guys together as pals.

July 24, 2007
2:49 pm
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taj64
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What a good friend you are! Well like a lot of us on here she will find out on her own and learn. All you can do is pass on your wisdom, and hope it sinks in even if she is stubborn and you may feel she is not listening. But she is, she is just choosing not to exercise it. And that you cannot do anything about it as much as you would like to. She has to help herself, this man has to help himself, and you can provide a hand but you cannot do the work. She knows you are a good friend. And she knows you will be there if needed. Women that get involved with alcholics they just want it to work so badly and they try and try but ultimately it is a learning process and everyone has their limit or path that they decide when to take another one. I'd keep passing information to her and be the friend that you are. She will need it as you can count on friends, true friends anyway.

July 24, 2007
2:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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destiny brings up a good idea.

when you talk to her - how about asking her - "how does that make you feel?" or "how do you feel about that?" or "what do you get out of this that makes it worth staying?"

she may have immediate knee jerk reactions about how wonderful he is when he is "wonderful"...you know those "moments"....but in the back of her mind, she may ponder what you are trying to tell her.

I know that when I came here, and talked incessently about my now ex...a few of the gals kept saying "how do YOU feel?", or "what about you?", or "how does that make you feel?"....which reminded me that my feelings DO matter...even if I didn't think so.

in my case, and probably your friend's case, I was more afraid to lose him than pay attention to my own feelings and thoughts.

but knowing someone cared and wanted to know how I felt made me realize that I DO matter and my feelings Do matter...eventually I learned that my feelings come first...and that losing him is worth it if my needs aren't being met and my feelings were being hurt time and time again.

but the last thing that I needed to hear was "leave him now"....but it made it easier to get close to ending it by having someone acknowledge and validate my feelings.

and it took me a while to FIND my feelings...figure out how I felt...cuz the overriding emotion was fear of abandonment, fear of losing him....the rest was just pushed back cuz that's all I could focus on.

everyone hear helped me see that there was more feelings than just that...and that THOSE were equally as important.

I also like destiny's idea of going to a women's support group and asking her to join in support of YOU.

July 24, 2007
3:14 pm
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2shy
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Hi Nappy,

I really sympathize with what your friend is going through. I have gone through a couple of horrible relationships myself. My best friend would continuously try and knock some sense into me during those toxic relationships, but I would never listen to her. If anything, I would just remain in denial and try and justify everything. I had to learn everything the hard way. I use to even get really angry with my best friend for pointing things out to me. But, honestly, I already knew everything. I just couldn't let go.

As her close friend I would just keep voicing your concern and just be there for her.

July 24, 2007
3:38 pm
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nappy
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I wish that I could knock some sense into my friend head but I already know that I can't. She is a grown woman and she knows what she is doing, if she didn't, she wouldn't be complaining about things that hurt her and I mean hurt her. I just don't want to talk about this boyfriend anymore.
We are honest with each other, we have been honest with each other for a long time and what he is doing to her is not making her feel good.
I have ask her what excitment is she getting out of it when she already knows what she HAVE to do for him. It is just like a job. You do it everyday, and you have learn the routine. She don't like it, she don't want to do it, She don't tell him, she tell me
and get mad at me because I don't want to hear about this man and the things that he is doing to her that she don't like. To me that is toture.
I will always be there for her, I will be there until my last breath in my body but still as a person, as a woman, she knows what she is doing.
My friend looks right now like she is on crack. She don't smoke or drink. She is a school teacher and school haven't started yet. I can just imaging what the other teachers and kids are going to say about her and then she is going to be calling be telling me that they are talking about her. I ask her have he met her family yet, NO. Why not? Because her mother and father is going to see right through him and she don't want to hear it. Her son already see him and don't like him. Her son is not stupid and he does see a change in his mother but get this.....
The only reason that she is moving in with this man is for financial reason. That is what she thinks, once this man get's her in that house. She is not going to be able to go anywhere except to her job and back home, he is already doing it now and they are not even living together.
I don't say a word. I just listen but sometimes it can get to a point as to where come on now. Why keep complaining when you can do something about it. If you don't like it, get out. Don't walk into trouble when you know that it is already there and you already know the outcome of it.
I don't repeat myself because then I would be a broken record.

It's funny, he brought her some flowers and they had plans for dinner, that was at 6:00 pm. She was so excited and I was happy for her until she said that after he gave her the flowers, she HAD to pay him back by having sex with her right then, after the sex, he went to sleep, slept for hours, she never went to dinner but HAD to have sex with him again so that she wouldn't be mad at him.
What do you say after that, nothing.
Shit is crazy and so is she.
Nappy!

July 24, 2007
3:44 pm
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nappy
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Oh, please don't think that I am angry or mad at my friend.
I just don't want this nut to do anything to her and harm her.
I have ask her what answers does he give as to why those other womens left him.
They left for a reason. But with her, he tell her that she is not going to get away with hurting him like the others one, or she bet not do anything to hurt him or else.
To me that is crazy talking and I think that he is a nut but to her he is a man. No that is a nut.
Nappy!

July 24, 2007
3:57 pm
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_anonymous
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Nappy this is one of the most abusive things I have ever heard someone hearing about their friend going through. It goes on like a marathon. Not an isolated incidence. Must be hard for you to listen to it. I agree with you she is not in a safe situation and needs help. But does she think she needs help? Does she want help? She is a teacher. She must make decent $. It will cost her more to try to get out of the situation. Hope she doesnt move anything valuable into his home. The mans treatment of this woman sounds similar to the way a man might treat a prostitute. My 20 year old daughter was living with a controlling abusive man. When she called me up I told her that if she really didnt want to put up with it and she wanted to teach him a lesson to call the police. And she did and he is in jail. She is glad she did. He destroyed her belongings. But she is glad she is OK, and is now in a new relationship. But it took her a very long time to get to that point. Fortuantly she only suffered a very large bruise on her arm as a result of him trying to hold her captive.

July 24, 2007
3:58 pm
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_anonymous
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Just one more bit of advice if she ever calls and he is in action hurting her or her son call 911 and send someone over there to go check on her.

July 24, 2007
4:12 pm
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taj64
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You love your friend dearly and you see what is happening. It almost feels like it happening to you but it isn't. She will leave if she is ready to. Can you leave her information of shelters and help number in case? And also say a lot of prayers. You are an angel to many, but you have to be on the receiving end of things also. SHe is stronger than you know, she is listening maybe not acting but listening. She hears. She is going to do what she is going to do until she says no more. How long has she been with him?

July 24, 2007
4:26 pm
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nappy
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Taj, she only been going out with this guy for about five months.
She will be moving into HIS home not THERE home together. Her son is not moving with her when she does this. He will be finding him some where else to stay.
What scare me is that her boyfriend already get's on the phone when she is talking and that is with anybody. He always wants to hear what the conversation is about. I had already told her that she bet not do that to me while we are talking because if she does, I want be talking to her when I know that he is there. When she start living with him, I feel that I want hear from her that much because he is always wanting to know "WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO."

Now the killing part about this is that he is trying to hurry her up to live with him. HE, not her is trying to get HER SON somewhere to live, even if her son stay in the house that she is renting, maybe her son can get a roommate to live with. Her son just turn 17.

Oh, she understand what I am saying. She just have to look at herself in the mirror so that she can really see herself.
Nappy!

July 24, 2007
8:37 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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My dear friend Nappy, I have read a thread before you have written about your friend, so I am up to date...You have been worried about her for sometime now. I know the story and I see how it is progressing. I am afraid that you might have to listen and listen like I have before with a friend of mine who just was in ridiculous situations worst than mine....Until I took her to the hospital for bad problems. You are her best friend and that is all you can do is your best. This guy is bad news but she is apparently into her own addiction to more pain. You are the friend she will need when it becomes too much for her............Love, horsefly

July 24, 2007
8:45 pm
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Imagine2
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When the pain of the current situation exceeds the perceived value of our actions, change will come.

Its a rule; in the catagories of , reap sow, what rises must fall,sow in the wind reap the whirlwind, green side up is best, what was I thinking

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