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Saw "J" tonight, continued ALEGAB
January 16, 2005
10:47 pm
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Alegab
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Hi Hurt- I have been following your posts also and i feel for you wholeheartedly.

You're right i shouldn't apologize for anything. He has plenty of apologizing to do to me for hurting me so. I do take responsibility for ALLOWING HIM TO DO THAT TO ME. I am just so desparate in looking for love but...... from all the wrong people. I have poured my heart out to him and i notice that he says almost nothing about himself. I think he has used what i have told him about myself as tools to push my right buttons. On the other hand if he reveals anything about himself he might be afraid i'll use that. BELIEVE ME EVEN THOUGH HE IS A PSYCHOLOGIST HE IS PRETTY F-----
UP.

Right now what is eating me up, even though it doesn't matter is why he doesn't come on line anymore. He eithr was caught by his wife with something and he is keeping away from the computer or he has another screen name and is fooling around with that. He still continues to string me along if he has someone else, in case it doesn't work out. How dare him feel jealous (if that's what it is) that i "lied" and said i went dancing.

I am in such pain for not doing what I KNOW I HAVE TO DO. I guess God is going to guide me to do what i have to do. I must be ready to do it and not look back.

Thank you for being here for me and if i can be of any help to you please don't hesitate to ask.

Love
(((((((((Hugs)))))))
Alegab

January 17, 2005
1:10 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Alegab,

I can feel your pain and I wish I could take that pain away from you.

As you know from reading my thread, I know how much you hurt and how frustrating all of this is.

You just have to keep praying and trying to find enough strength to finally break it off with him.

I know how you feel about needing someone to love you. I'm the same way. It's almost like I'm not a whole person unless I'm in a relationship. And that's NOT healthy. I would bet that if I was healthier emotionally, breaking up with my ex would not be this traumatic. I'm doing a lot of reading about this topic and it helps me to know that I am not alone in feeling this way.

I still pray daily that God will send my ex back to me, but of course, that hasn't happened. The last time I talked to him was Friday when he told me that he did miss me. Makes you wonder why he didn't call me yet? He's probably out of town again. My text message I sent wasn't delivered until the next day....a good indication that he's out in the boonies somewhere. But anyway, back to you Alegab - Please don't give up on yourself. You are not at fault here. You will succeed in breaking away from J...it will just take time. And if you take a step back....big deal...tomorrow is another day where you can gather all your strength and tell him to take a hike. He does not sound like a nice guy and I agree with you....he is definitely f.....ed up. He doesn't deserve the time of day from you. You are too good for him. I know you can do it! 🙂

{{{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}}

January 17, 2005
11:02 pm
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dustygirl
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Alegab - please don't blame your self and don't be so hard on yourself. You will succeed at this and because of it, you will be a much stronger person.

DONT GIVE UP ON YOU - you sound like a wonderful person and you will find happiness, I promise you that. He doesn't deserve you - you have to belive that. Everyday look in the mirror and tell yourself your a wonderful person and that you deserve better. My therapist told me to start visualizing the positivs not the negatives. I am really going to try that.

Your doing great Alegab - your trying and that is the biggest step. so what if you fall back - just get up, brush yourself off and try again. You will come out on top - just be patient with yourself.

Lots of love to you and know there are allot of people out there that do love you - you don't need him!

January 18, 2005
7:31 am
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Alegab
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Hi everyone: Thank you for your encouragement, kind words and for supporting me.

Yesterday (Mon.) I had a pretty good day. I felt really upbeat, went to the gym, did chores, etc. I didn't hear from him. I kept thinking of all the hurtful things he has said to me without blinking an eye. I think its good to concentrate on all the bad stuff he has done and minimize or totally forget the "crumbs". I try to comprehend it as him giving me the leftovers. I am worth more than leftovers and crumbs. I have dignity.
As the saying goes "God doesn't make junk."

Someone from my SLAA group lent me a book entitled: FACING LOVE ADDICTION
(GIVING YOURSELF THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOVE) BY PIA MELLODY.
It is excellent. I have been doing alot of reading and my therapist suggested i lay off it for a while, she feels that its causing me to obsess and get me confused. I did stop for a little while and i did feel better. I just started reading this one and i can't put it down. I would greatly suggested.

Please take care of yourselves- every day as often as possible say these affirmations: I AM WORTHY, I AM VALUABLE AND I AM LOVABLE and really believe it and feel it.

We are going to go through with all our pain, God never abandons us.

Love, Alegab ((((((((((hugs))))))

January 18, 2005
9:48 am
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restless
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Alegab, just read all of these posts and YOU are the STRONG one, he is the weak one. Stay strong girlfriend. I can't offer you much more right now than my prayers and thoughts. You'll do just fine. You deserve and will get sooo much happiness in your life.

January 18, 2005
11:08 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Alegab: I am glad to see you are putting so much emphasis on YOU. YOU are the important one here. He has given nothing but complications in your life. He was trying to take away your dignity and HE HASN'T succeeded. Godd for you. Keep it up. You deserve so much more than what he has to offer. And there is no mystery about what he is willing to offer. I think you see that now. Your eyes are wide open and that is a very good thing. Keep up the good work. My thoughts are with you. SD

January 18, 2005
11:27 am
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Alegab
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Hi - Thank you so much for your encouragement restless and design. Right now I am very very tempted to call him. Boy he had a three week end and HE MISSES ME SO MUCH. Yeah right. If he wanted to see me this week to "serve his needs" he wwould have been calling me this morning at 8:00 am to give the BS i wanted to hear. Here it is 11:30 and he hasn't called. Not that i wouldn't BS anyway. I AM SO TEMPTED TO GIVE IN TO MY "FIX" i came on line instead to talk to you guys.

Thank you so much for your support.

Be back later.

You guys hang in there, you'll do just fine too.

Brownie where are you? Haven't seen you. Are you ok?

Love, Hugs
Alegab

January 19, 2005
9:19 pm
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Alegab
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Hi to all:

As i mentioned about yesterday, i was cold and abbrassive to him. Today he called me at 9:00 am. He has to get his control back!!!! He did call me again at the end of the day and "acted" very concerned. About a half an hour ago he came on line to see how i was doing. He said he'd try to come back on at 9 but if he wasn't here at that time, i should go to bed and rest. I am only human and i felt for the "moment" cared for. He asked me if i rested enough today. I said, i slept and i read, i slept and i read. He asked me if i was still reading those psychology books. I said yes. I think it makes him uneasy that i read those types of books because maybe he thinks it will wake me up and see him for what he is. I told him i was reading a really good one right now. He didn't ask the title. He told me you need to unwind and relax more, which is also true. He said you think too much. I do agree with him on that i don't know how to relax and unwind. I am always tense and upset. Alot of it has to do with him plus daily stressors.

Today i posted in my journal alot. Among some things i wrote was this: he can't talk to me during the day because he is "overwhelmed", he can't talk to me at night because his wife is home, he can't come on line because "he never comes on line (yet he used to up until about a month ago)", he can't come on line because his wife is up, he cant come on line because his wife is standing near him, He can't see me unless his wife is out or he can make up a really good excuse to get out, he can't see me because he is busy with her, he can't see me for more than two hours because he has to get back home, i cannot reach him if i really needed him, even if i did reach him he wouldn't be able to be here for me unless it was convenient for him etc. etc. etc. SO WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP DO I HAVE WITH HIM? IT IS ALL ONE SIDED. DO I NEED THIS STRAIN IN MY LIFE TO GET NOTHING OUT OF SOMEONE? I feel that I built him up to be someone that I would have liked him to be. The reality is that he is nothing like that. Its all fantasy that i had. He does have charming ways, is classy, is intelligent, is well versed etc. etc. What good does that do me? What I want is an available man to meet my needs. He meets none and when he does give me the crumbs it is only because its convenient for him. As you can see i am venting right now.

Thank you for reading me. I hope you had a good evening and that tomorrow is even better.

I forgot to mention something else. I have a male friend that i've known for about five years from on line. I did meet him in person a few times for dinner. He recently met someone who he is crazy about.

He wrote me an e-mail today saying he is on vacation this week and maybe we can get together for coffee.

Should i tell J? I am afraid he will think i am just telling him that to make him jealous or he will judge me in the wrong way. Does it really matter?

Thanks for reading me and please keep posting.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

January 19, 2005
10:14 pm
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CAMER
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hi Alegab: this is so true in what you said "I feel that I built him up to be someone that I would have liked him to be"...and yes, i have done the same too in the past, mold and create a man who isn't there..it doesn't work! gosh i know. What you see is what you get.

About telling J, is there a reason why you want to tell him about your friend??? you still have every right to talk about your friend, heck, look at all the things he is hiding in his life....he cannot be a hypocrite.

I hope you are getting some good rest, you deserve it & from all the overwhelming responses on this thread, know that you are important and we do care!!! Keep up the good work of working on YOU!!! (((camer))))

January 20, 2005
10:11 pm
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Alegab
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Hi everyone: You can't imagine how much help all of you guys are to me. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers and wanting to know how i am doing.

Unfortunately today i am not doing too well. I went to see my therapist today and i am feeling awful. I am full of anger, resentment, hurt, fury and all other negative feelings.

II told my therapist that i wanted to write him an anger letter although i know it will slide off him. He is not interested in what i have to say. She offered a few suggestions. First she said i should stop all contact with him for at least two weeks. Don't take his calls, don't answer e-mails, don't call him etc. Then if i still feel i want to express my anger to him do it, i am entitled to that. She also said to make sure of what my motive for writing the anger letter is. She said if i expect some kind of response don't do it. Also she asked me what will i do if he contacts me. That is what i am afraid of. I am afraid he will call or e-mail me and say what i want to hear and i will fall. Some days i can be so strong and positive, today is not one of those days. I have alot of fear. I've been crying all day and feeling miserable for having him make a fool out of me. Sunny i am quoting what you said: This man you have been seeing is eating away at your self esteem. And with his training/education must know that he is taking advantage. Thank you for your input. What hurts me the most is what you said about him eating away at my self esteem. Also it eats me up alive to know that he knows he is taking advantage of me for being fragile, sincere and giving with all my heart. He figured me out really quick and knew what buttons to push and what to say to keep me hooked and he continues to do it.

It is in my POWER to stop it.

Brownie - thank you so much for checking on me. I feel so protected. I also thank you for your prayers. How are you doing today?

My sincere thank you fo ALL who support me and are here for me.

Camer thank you for your last post. It is also very encouraging.

Please i need your posts tonight. I am feeling very very down.

Thank you.

Love and Hugs Alegab

January 22, 2005
9:37 pm
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Alegab
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Hi Brownie- I haven't seen you today. Are you ok?

I am not doing too well tonight. I am back to my anger. I knew this was going to happen.

I feel very lonely and forgotten right now. Its not that i want people to feel sorry for me. I just feel that way.

I am going to pray now and ask God to help me get through this difficult period.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

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