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Saw "J" tonight, continued ALEGAB
January 12, 2005
11:57 am
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Alegab
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Hi Curly, Dustygirl and Designs- Thank you so much for all your uplifting posts. It makes me feel more confident. I am very nervous right now, I am afraid of his call. Its funny that you mention "take it or leave it". I said that to him the other day when he asked me "what do you want to do?" I said take it or leave it. I want to leave it, I must surrender to God and let him take care of me, he will never abandon me.

I am so greatful to have you guys as a support system. I hope I can be of some help to you also. We are all in the same boat but we won't drown, we are capable of getting away from the "sharks." Isn't it ironic J favorite thing are "sharks". He does alot of scuba diving and is thrilled when he sees one!!!! HMmmmmmmm i wonder what that means? jajajajajaj

I am going to go out today and meet a friend this evening for coffee.

Love to all and big big ((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
Alegab

January 12, 2005
12:23 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Alegab:

I am so proud of you. Your last post sounds so positive 🙂 GOOD FOR YOU. I can only hope that I will get better soon too. I'm still trying to figure out what to do about my ex and how to move on.

January 12, 2005
12:23 pm
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hey alegab,

ugh, i'm cringing right now. How can someone be such an ass? To others and themselves?

You know what? Your here, your talking about it, your admitting your strengths and weaknesses, but YOU ARE DOING GREAT!

So what if you see him again later on at a vulnerable moment? Now you'll be more aware every time of what you WON'T put up with, even if your not sure what it is that you want.

I was in a similiar relationship, except I was the "married wife" and he had his side action. Your relationship isn't real. I'm sorry, but a relationship is when both of the persons needs are getting met. YOURS AREN'T, even if you don't know what you need, you know what you DON'T need. He's jerking you along for his selfish reasons, I don't doubt he cares about you in his own way, but ultimately he only cares about himself.

And if you want to confront him and talk to him, beware. He uses your details and weaknesses to get you back in. Men like him break you down, so that you look towards him to help rebuild you. That way, you need them, because NO ONE ELSE UNDERSTANDS LIKE THEY DO? NOT TRUE NOT TRUE NOT TRUE.

You know what? I've been thinking of cutting my relationship off since last january. We run a business together so it hasn't been an option to just bail out and never talk again. Now we havn't slept together for a week and for the first time I am ok with it, I don't feel any need to spend time with him outside of work whatsoever. Tomorrow I don't know, and if I do go back or sleep with him again, I will forgive myself and keep going to therapy and meetings until I do learn self-love. Its taken a year to get this far away. Allow yourself the time you need. If you are not ready, you are not ready. But try to keep in mind what the positive outcomes are if you stop seeing him. I made a list last sept. about the good/bad aspects of the relationship. I had two pages of bad and heck, its january and I still want to see the small crumbs of goodness. Allow yourself to heal and give yourself time! And forgive yourself!

love,
magga

January 12, 2005
1:40 pm
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Alegab
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Hurts and Magga- thank you for your response. Hurts i answered your last post and tried to be as helpful as i could. Hang in there you will let go when you are ready.

Magga i can relate to your view point very well. The are many "asses" out there who think in their mind they are doing the right thing. YEAH, FOR THEMSELVES.

He has told me he can't let go for his own "selfish reasons." Isn't that clear enough? What do i need for him to draw me a diagram? I am thinking of changing my cell number once again but i am afraid because my husband would really become suspiscious. Although i don't love my husband i still don't want to hurt him.

Yes he does know me very well and he builds on that knowledge to play with me. He is a psychologist and who more than him doesn't know how to play with the mind. I remember when i first started this relationship a friend of mine telling me "be very carefully, this guy can be very dangerous, playing with your mind." I am very fragile in many ways because i suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. I also can be very strong and determined when need to be. I have gone through enough heartache and pain since i was a child, that has made me strong. I have to convince myself that I don't need a man to make me happy. I did very well for myself before marrying my husband. After that things started to go downhill. I guess its a process. The hope is that we learn from our mistakes and forgive ourselves for making them. If God is forgiving and he is the Almighty, who are we not to be able to forgive ourselves. He is there for us no matter what. He will love us, comfort us, show us love and affection etc. Sometimes he shows us the way in very subtle ways but we refuse to acknowledge it.

Please take care. I am here for you. Please keep posting to help me get through this.

Love, (((((((((hugs))))))))))))
ALEGAB

January 12, 2005
10:11 pm
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Hi Everyone: I just got home a little while ago after meeting a friend for dinner. She is part of my SLAA support group. She is very comforting.

She suggested that I just cut it cold and don't give him any kind of explanation or conversation- it falls on deaf ears anyway. He only listens to things that affect him. As far as returning the presents i think maybe i should give it to my therapist to hold and at a later time decide what to do with it. If i send it back to him its a chance for him to contact me.

Today he called me, i had no INTENTION of calling him. He called and said he got back after taking his mother to the doctor and that it seemed he had been away for two weeks. He always makes it sound like the school can't function without him. When he first met me, he had alot of time on his hands, suddenly things changed. We made small talk and i was bold and asked him "well did you think about what i asked you yesterday (about paying for me to go on vacation). He hesitated a long time, he said i don't really know what to say. I would love for you to go on vacation. I don't really know too much about arrangements, i said no? He said no, my wife takes care of that. I said well you can tell her "i need to make arrangements for my MISTRESS or KEPT WOMAN to go on vacation!!!!! He was shocked i said that, he said JJJJJJJ what are you saying? I said why not. He said how much money does this involve? I said i have no clue, you are the one that has traveled all over the world. I said you don't have to answer me now. Think about it. He said I have to go now, can i call you later if i get a chance? I said yes. he never called.

I don't know if i should still bust his chops about this and push him against the wall to see how far he goes or just drop it.

I am determined that tomorrow i will not call him either. The question is how will i end this? Stop answering his calls, change my number (although it will cause suspicion on the part of my husband) next time he calls just say I decided to Leave it instead of taking it. Please don't ever call me again and hang up. Or tell him a few choice things and then tell him forget i ever existed for you, you are unworthy of me, i know i am deserving of someone who is available to me only, someone who is not a cheat and a liar and who truely loves me for who i am. Its your loss and then hang up. What do you guys think is the best way?

MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL i am afraid of myself of falling and ME calling him in a weak moment, especially when I am PMSing. That's what happened last time, i changed my phone number, ended it and when he sweet talked me and told me what i wanted to hear i gave him my number again and we were right back to were we started. Its my biggest fear. They say that it takes a total of seven attempts to end a relationship. So far i've done one!!! I can't bare the thought of still going on with this nightmare. Pleae offer your suggestions on this also. Tomorrow night i am going to my SLAA meeting and on Sunday again.

You guys are my life savers. Thank you for being here.

Love (((((((((hugs))))))))))
Alegab

January 12, 2005
10:17 pm
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I forgot to mention this. Its really bothering the hell out of me why he is not on line anymore (since before x-mas). First he said he had a virus in the computer and it had to be fixed. He fixed that. After that he has not been on line. It just drives me nuts (i am almost certain he has another screen name). Why does it bother and hurt me? Why does he keep on calling me. He was as clear as a bell yesterday as to what's what. So why continue calling me?

Oh God, i can't stand this anxiety.

Alegab

January 12, 2005
10:37 pm
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Hi Alegab: Boy- things are heating up, huh? As for what to do- I know how I feel when things are over and how I obssess on what I wished I would have said. When I split w/ the ex the last time it was over the phone and I called him after not hearing from him for a week and I couldn't stand it anymore- just wanted to get it over with. So I had made a list of things I wanted to say and I said them. Of course I forgot a few things but it felt good to let him have it. Then I could be done w/ at least that part of it.

My opinion would be to bust his chops and then cut it cold. Busting his chops would be for you to feel good only- like you said it will fall on deaf ears. Then cut it cold because this isn't going anywhere. As for the trip, isn't it interesting how they play dumb? I don't know how. Oh please. No effort or whatsoever.

You're doing great and I'm glad you got to spend time today w/ your friend. Keep it up. SD

January 13, 2005
8:55 am
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Hi- anyone here to talk? Feeling really down and with lots of anxiety.

January 13, 2005
11:05 am
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Good morning Alegab. Hope you're feeling better. SD

January 13, 2005
11:13 am
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Hi Alegab - I'm here for you - don't know if I can be of much help, as I am feeling the same way today. I am literally shaking and sick to my stomach. I didn't want to go to worktoday, but I can't allow myself to give that kind of power to my b/f.

I spent the night with him last night and it was the usual. Everytime we are together it's just me filled with anxiety and having a deep discussion about "us". I know he's got to be sick of it and I guess I keep bringing it up hoping for a different answer, but never happend.

I am not part of his life 100% like I want and he said that won't happen for a while as he has to fix his relationship with his kids first. they know about me, they hate me and it just frustrates me as I told him if I was important to him, he would just tell the kids to accept the relationship as he was happy. they really aren't even kids anymore - 18yrs and 25yrs.

He said things have to be done in his timing - it's always about him. I have been "the dirty little secret" for almost 3 years now and I am sick of it.

sick enough to walk away??? I want too, but feel stuck. I am completley obsessed over him this past week, checkinghis emails, phone, etc.... I need to stop but Ican't seem too. I am so out of control right now.

Oh Alegab, i am sorry for venting in your space. Don't give up on yourself and know that you will find happiness.

One question for you - I was married and had this affair going on with my current b/f. I look back now and wish that I had spent all this energy that I am wasting worrying about this relationship and put that into my marriage. Is there anyway you could re-focus and make your marriage what you want ??????

January 13, 2005
3:54 pm
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Dusty Girl- Don't worry about venting, this is not my space, it belongs to all of us to support one another.

I know how difficult it is to end a relationship that we know intellectually is distructive, toxic and harmful. I think as my therapist just told me the thing to do is STOP thinking with EMOTIONS and START THINKING WITH GUT FEELINGS AND INTELLECT. Emotions get us into trouble.

As far as your situation it seems to me that this person is just stringing you along. I can POSSIBLY understand if he had young children to deal with, he might hesitate. But, adult children? Who is he trying to fool? Yes it is all about HIM HIM HIM. He is getting his needs met but you are not. I don't mean to sound harsh but this was just said to me by my therapist -- how long are you going to empower him and you play the victim role? As long as he is getting what he wants he is not going to leave you. He is going to hang on and say all the things you want to hear to get what he wants. All that i am saying to you my therapist just finished saying to me.

Today he called me as usual (stopped calling him) and he did his usual "jig" small talk and nothing constructive. I asked him the same question again about him paying for me to go on vacation. He was put in a spot. I said you know what forget it. Even if you had said yes i would have backed out (i only did it to see how far he'd go). He said, i have never been in this situation with anyone. I said who else was there? He said i meant D (the person he had the long affair with, who knows how many others). I said maybe she was not financially needy as i am. He said yes she was and i LOANED her money many times and she always paid me back, the most i could ever lend was $500. I said don't worry about it. He asked if i was testing him. I said no. He seemed annoyed. he also said that he didn't like what i said yesterday even if it was a joke. I had said for him to ask his wife to make arrangements for his "mistress or kept woman." I said i was only joking, i know i am not that. I hate admitting this but my therapist in plain English said to me:
For him you are one step above a prostitute. It hurt me terribly to hear it but i think its the truth. He got away cheap.

I lied to him and told him i am going away for the week end. He asked where and for how long. What the hell does he care?

I wanted my therapist's opinion on how i thought i should end it. The three options i had in mind were:
Don't answer his calls, e-mails or any othe type of communication. Write him an anger letter and tell him in that letter i don't want to hear from him anymore. Change my cell number so he can't call me.

My therapist said that in her opinion its to go cold turkey. NO SORT OF COMMUNICATION AT ALL. She said you have already written him in the past, it has fallen on deaf ears. A letter of anger will do the same and he might try to contact you. She suggested i keep my phone off and when i check messages if its from him delete it before listening to it. SHE SAID HE HAS BEEN MORE THAN CLEAR WITH YOU THAT HE IS IN THIS FOR HIMSELF AND FOR ONE THING ONLY. IT WAS DIFFICULT HEARING IT BUT SHE SAID, HE DOESN'T CARE ONE BIT ABOUT YOU. I asked so why does he keep calling me and saying all the things i want to hear? She said, to keep you engaged and use you for when he needs you. It is so painful to hear all this but i can't deny that its the truth.

We have choices, but no one can do it for us. We must be honest with ourselves and as i said before go with our gut feeling and
intellect. EMOTIONS DON'T GET US ANYWHERE.

I wish and pray that what i have just said to you will be of help for you, me and all others that have the same problem.

Keep posting and all the best.

Love, ((((((((Hugs)))))))
Alegab

January 13, 2005
4:02 pm
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Hi alegab: I am so glad you are getting your therapists help w/ this. I am also sorry that what she says is painful to you. I think going away for the weekend is a terrific idea- get away from him. Don't answer him if he calls your cell. Take a break from all of this. And treat yourself well. SD

January 13, 2005
4:14 pm
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Hi Dusty And Alegab:

Dusty, you are on a roll today with me. Are you reading my mind? 😉 You are putting into words what I cannot. When you say "I look back now and wish that I had spent all this energy that I am wasting worrying about this relationship and put that into my marriage." I was in an affair for 9 months, and never "got caught". When the b/f started acting 'weird', thankfully that was MY wakeup call that my marriage wasn't so bad after all. My husband and I are currently trying to work things out, and are doing very well. If I could only get this butthead out of my mind, I'd be doing so much better.

Alegab, I strongly suggest COLD TURKEY too. I wish I had found this site when I first started because the support is unbelievable here. But I have quit looking at my phone for messages, and when I feel the need to email/call the ex, I email/call my husband instead. Then the urge goes away. But I have read a lot of your posts Alegab, and your marriage situation is quite different than mine. I'm glad you're going to therapy, because like my therapist told me--"only I have the answers, but we can find them together." I hope you can find your answers too.

January 13, 2005
6:21 pm
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What follows is a thread i posted entitled "feeling overwhelmed with so many problems". This might give you more of an idea of what my marriage is about. Since he is not willing to go to therapy i don't know what we can work out. He is loyal to me ( am certain of that) is always home, helps a "little" around the house, has a good sense of humor but.... he is not loving and caring the way i would want him to be. I am VERY VERY NEEDY OF THAT.

HERE IS THE THREAD:

Alegab
6-Jan-05

Hi everyone. I feel so overwhelmed with all my problems that I wish I could disappear from the face of this earth. I know that is not the answer because I would leave behind two daughters that I love dearly.

I have been married to my husband for almost 21 years. I met and married him within 8 months of meeting. I didn't really know much about him. We came from totally different backgrounds- I am Catholic he came from a Hassidic Jewish family. They never accepted me. In the beginning i tried in every which way to be accepted but finally i gave up. My husband showed he was incapable of being affectionate, caring, loving and demonstrative of his feelings but, I overlooked everything thinking he would change. I am still waiting.

When we married he really had nothing to offer me. All he had was a beat up car and $10 in the bank, a job with no future. I thought I was in love with him because he was the only guy i went out with who didn't abuse me. He has many good qualities- loyal, no gambling or drinking problems, always home etc.

When I married him i was pretty well established. I owned a two family home with my sister, money in the bank, a car, a good job etc. When we married all he had to do was get rid of all his junk and move in to a fully furnished house. I helped him make the decision that he needed to have a job with a future (he was 33 at the time). I took out a loan from my pension system and put him through school to be an electronic technician. He came through with that, he never missed a class. The only problem was that he was not sure of himself and he took low paying jobs.

Six months into the marriage i suffered a major depression and was hospitalized. The teating psychiatrist made the observation that perhaps it was my disappointment in the marriage and not being able to count on him that got me sick.

Five years went by and we decided to have a child. I worked from the age of 15 and I wanted to stay home with my new baby. I did but we could hardly make ends meet. Thank God that I was very good in managing money and i was able to keep us afloat. Three years later we had another child and our financial situation got worst. I wanted to be there for my second child also. I stayed home until she went into kindergarten. Then I decided that I couldn't live in financial crisis anymore. I went back to work and was making more money than him.

After 18 years of living with my sister in the city, we decided that it would be best to go our separate ways and us think of the future of our kids and move to the suburbs. He was reluctant to do it because of the financial burden. I encouraged him and we made the move. I use to get up at 5 in the morning to commute to the city but after three years of doing this the traveling plus the stress of the job took its toll on me. I got sick again and wound up in the hospital a few times. I have not gone back since because I cannot seem to get out of my depression, post traumatic stress disorder and anxiety. I am receiving disability.

My children are now 16 and 13. My husband and I are on totally different pages as far as raising the children. He is the "good one" i am the "devil" for trying to give them direction and boundaries.

We started going to family counselling and the therapist noticed that there were many issues not only in the marriage but in the rearing of the children. She suggested that he and I do couples therapy. It would be ok during the session but once we got home he would forget everything that was suggested. My frustration and resentments never left me, they keep getting worst and worst. This past monday was our last session with the therapist because he refuses to go back. He says that it does nothing for him and its a waste. The therapist asked him can't you even consider to make things better for your children? He said no.

I am now looking into therapy for me and the girls to make things better for our relationship. My individual therapist said it is going to be kind of difficult to change things if he is not on the same page with me. We must keep a united front in order for things to work. The kids are going to be confused. I am willing to give it all i got.

Just before the holidays I accidently found out that we were in debt, the money in the bank was almost depleted and he had two huge charge card bills (something he never told me about). My mother had given me $7,000 last year and my sister advised me to put it away for a rainy day and not let him know about it. I felt committed to tell him. Guess what? Its all gone.

I started to make figures and realized that we were in deficit of 700 a month and couldn't make ends meet. He never questioned anything he just kept taking money from the bank to "live". We are now in debt for $32,000 plus the mortgage. I am devestated that all my sacrifices have gone down the drain and he really makes no effort to look for another job or even a second job. Once he comes home he has to relax and watch TV till late at night.

My girls have become very defiant and rebellious with me. They think their father is cool. They don't know all these issues.

My love for him left a long time ago. Its at least 6 years that i really feel nothing for him but I stay in a loveless marriage with no support and no "financial security." I am always afraid we'll wind up in the street.

Nine months ago I met someone on line and I began an affair. He is married and pretty happy in his marriage. They are financially well off, get along pretty well, have same interests, travel extensively etc. etc. He says the only thing missing is the closeness, intimacy and sex. I am a very caring, giving, lovable person. I give to him 100% in exchange for the minimal from him.

I know the reality of the situation and he has told me very clearly he would never leave his wife (in that he has always been honest). In these nine months i have become very attached and have caring feelings towards him (i sometimes think i might be in love with him). He is very demonstrative of affection and he says he cares for me very much. He is a psychologist and is very supportive right now while I am going through this crisis.

I feel so burdened and overwhelmed with all that is happening at home. I have been in therapy most of my life because of childhood trauma and abuse. I take alot of medication for my depression, PTSD and my anxiety. I am very NEEDY of love and affection. My husband is not capable of giving it and this person gives me "the left overs." He gets it all from me but he gives very little in return.

Today I saw my therapist and we discussed alot of the issues, she said to try to be good to myself and take care of my needs. She is not encouraging me to continue this affair but she said maybe right now is not the time to let go. She doesn't want me to loose sight of the reality of the affair. I journal every night about what is going on in my life and I know i am deserving of good things. I know i am worthy, valuable and loving. I would like to share with someone who feels the same way and is able to provide these needs. This person is not available (i have known this all along). I just CANNOT LET GO RIGHT NOW. Today when i spoke to him i told him i need a vacation so desparately, i said how about if you and me go away together (i only said it to see his reaction). He said yeah right. He said are you fantasizing or wishing. I said I am wishing. He went away for the x-mas holidays to the carib and is going to Paris in February. I feel awful thinking of that. I am so so happy when i am with him but once i have to go and he goes back to his "life" i cry and suffer.

I am sorry i am giving you guys such an earful. I feel so lonely and abandoned. Almost every night I cry myself to sleep.

I would appreciate your guidance and support. I have posted many other threads about this relationship and other issues and you can't imagine how helpful your insights have been.

Thank you.

Love, Alegab

January 13, 2005
9:51 pm
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Hi Alegab: After reading that, i understand why your marriage isn't fulfilling for you. And unless your husband is willing to meet you halfway (he's not) what are you going to do? Do you feel you need to stay married because you are Catholic? Do you feel you have the option of divorce to release yourself from this and try to find someone who meets your needs fully? You've hung in there a very long tome. How does your family feel about this? Would they support you?

I think when marriage happens when people are young and don't really know each other, its easy to drift in different directions as you mature and find out what you are about and what you want out of life. You have lost a lot of the fruits of your labor and his disrespect for your financial contributions (and his lack of them) would bother me a lot as I value financial security very much. I don't have any answers for you but I really feel for you. SD

January 13, 2005
10:08 pm
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Hi Designs: Thanks for you support. My religion has nothing to do in making a decision to divorce. Its the financial situation and the girls.

Right now i am not financially stable on my own. I am not working due to disability. I don't know where we are heading with this. I guess time will tell.

I know for certain that with the other one i really have nothing. No financial, no emotional, no love, nothing. It only serves his needs. It gives me a temporary fix when i see him because he is very attentive to me but then he's got to run to wife.

I just got home from an SLAA meeting. It was very depressing to hear that the person that started this particular meeting in this city committed suicide because of this dis-ease. Its unbelievable what sex and love addiction can do to you. He was only 41 years old. The good thing is to hear that there are many people who have recovered from this pattern of distruction.

I was giving thought what J told me the other day. " I am your drug, i am distructive and i hurt you." Is he sick or what? Why would he tell me this and then continue persuing me?

Tonight i feel very lonely and have very strong desire to be with him. There is no way i can contact him. Now not even on line. He disappeared. I am sure he has another screen name, i am tempted to confront him on that. For what? He is only going to lie. I am anxious about facing tomorrow but i must handle a bit at a time. Tomorrow i'll deal with tomorrow.

Thanks for being here.

Love (((((((hugs))))))
alegab

January 13, 2005
10:18 pm
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Hi Alegab: I hope you don't find him. Please stay away from him. Its not good for you. You've suffered enough. He continues persuing you because you let him. Please stand up for yourself. You deserve so much more than what he doles out to you. You're worth so much more than that. SD

January 14, 2005
10:28 am
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Hi everyone- I didn't have a very restful night, my mind doesn't stop working even at night. Last night I had a "compulsion" to have contact with him. This morning I woke up with the same compulsion. So far so good, I have not called him. I called one of the women in my SLAA program instead and i am posting here for support.

I feel very vulnerable right now, I want his "fake" comforting yet i know what he'll tell me are all lies. He'll say what i want to hear to keep me hooked. I have a feeling that he already has someone else and is keeping me in the background in case it doesn't work out. It really doesn't matter (i have to convince myself of that). The focus and effort i am putting on him I MUST put on myself to heal and get better from this distructive disease. I know he must be sick himself or else he wouldn't be doing what he is doing. But HE is not my issue. I must take care of MYSELF.

I am going to go read the first step in my "big book" for comfort and help in really believing that unless I surrender and admit that i am powerless over this addiction i will not get better. I must hand it over to God and he will help me through all this pain.

I am really trying my best to work on all my problems but it seems like i take four step forward and then one step back. I feel like I am at the entrance to "the big door" and on the other side I will find peace and healing yet, I cannot push that door open. I know its going to take alot of hard work and perseverence. I didn't become the way i am overnight, it has been almost all my life and i cannot expect to change over night either. I have to give it all i got.

Please keep posting and keep me in your prayers.

Love ((((((hugs)))))

January 14, 2005
10:36 am
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hi (((ale))) you are in my prayers and yes you are makeing progress by calling your friends this am instead of him...and posting here and reading from the big book..it all helps, you are getting better by taking these tiny steps...keep the focus on you and things will get better. I wish you a peaceful and comforting day.

love (((camer)))

January 14, 2005
11:38 am
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Alegab,

I totally understand where you're coming from. My ex b/f doesn't know that I know that he went and saw his ex g/f over the holidays, nor does he know that I know that he had a date over New Years Eve (We broke up around the second week of December). I feel like I've been replaced so quickly, and I have these imaginary conversations with him in my head. If I asked him about his holidays, he'll lie to either 1) spare him the drama; or 2) spare me the hurt. Neither reason matters, so why set him up to lie? Maybe I should just call him out on it all together. But then I think, does that even matter? Yes it would make me feel good for a matter of minutes, to make him wonder how in the hell I know all this (I snooped in his cell phone and email when I had suspicions.)

But the bottom line is, if I piss him off or threaten him or even go 'female' on him, what if he contacts my husband and tells him what happened? My phone number is publically listed, he knows what city I live in and knows my husband's name. So it would be fairly easy to track us down. That risk alone, when I am trying to work things out with my husband, keep me on the more righteous path. What if 'J' contacts and tells your husband? Or what if you get caught? Maybe thinking of these things will help you push him away for good. I know its hard, and trust me--I have my weak moments all the time. But I am terrified of the alternative for those few minutes of how good it would feel to throw the crap back in his face.

January 14, 2005
12:49 pm
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Hi geminigirl- How are you able to snoop into his cell phone and e-mail? I am not sure i understand.

I read the first step in my big book and i also prayed but....i let my "compulsion and obsessiveness" get the better of me and i called him. Something that I have not done in quite a while. He always calls me. I guess its the fear of knowing that I MUST LET GO. I am so unmotivated to do anything. Its a horrible rainy day here and I am just laying in bed.

I confronted him on the thing of not being on line anymore. He got very defensive. I asked him if he changed his screen name. He said no, do you think i am looking for someone else behind your back? I said, listen, i didn't say that you are saying that. He said i just don't go on line. I said yes you've always said that but its very odd to me that you suddenly stopped from coming on line altogether when in the past you came on line at least 2-3 times a week. He said i am just so exhausted that i go to bed at around 9 pm. Its all BS. I said wouldn't you wonder if i suddenly stopped coming on line? I told him i am going away the week end. He advised me of not going in by car and what i should do. Then he asked me if he can call me during the week end i said yes. I am going to turn my phone off this way i won't talk to him. He didn't talk very long, he said can i call you before the end of the day? I told him if you want to.

Why don't I have the guts to just tell him --- don't call me anymore, its over and just hang up. I am thinking more and more to give up my cell phone. I really don't need its just to be in touch with my kids in case of emergency and they know where to reach me.

As far as him calling my husband i don't think he'd chance me doing the same to him. He thinks i don't have his home phone number but i do. As far as my husband finding out there is always a possibility. I guess i am chancing that. Our marriage is on the rocks but i certainly wouldn't make it obvious and hurt him in that way.

Please keep posting and thank you for responding.

Love (((((((hugs)))))))
Alegab

January 14, 2005
4:44 pm
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Hi Alegab-
Just wanted to touch base with you before I leave for the weekend. Relate very well to what you say about the men in your life. I find it hard to manage the stress caused by the hiding and lying I have to do to maintain a connection to my ex-spouse and my bf. I love my ex but he hurt me a lot in the past and my bf is a drunk so therefore hurtful because the booze comes first and and he is emotionally unavailable and financially abusive. Last night I had a compulsion to see him or talk to him - the fix - the connection. I said "no, I am tired of doing all the running and paying because he has nothing and I am tired. I need to look after me. So I went to an AA meeting instead and told a girlfriend who is codependent but on the other end of ending it now happy that he is out of her life. So good to have someone close to relate to eh? A phone call away. I know in my heart that my bf is not good for me and my ex-spouse and I are incompatible and he wasn't good for me either but he has the hwerewithall to look after me financially. The he would really OWN me, which is what he wanted - control!
Anyway I am going to see the bf and I am thinking about giving him the ultimatum? Rehabilitation or rejection? He will be drinking and how can I quit drinking when he is. He is fun to be with but if he's drinking you have to be drinking too to be able to stand him after a certain point. Hugs to all. Check in on Monday. May the Creator bless and keep us all!

January 14, 2005
5:29 pm
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Hi Curly- Good luck to you this week end. Please try to take care of yourself and your needs. Do i understand correctly that you drink with him also? If so, he is not only distroying himself but putting you in danger.

Did you get anything out of the AA meeting? You might want to consider attending those meetings or Al Anon which is for people involved with alcoholics.

Whatever you decide to do remember that there is help out there and keep posting here for us to try to help you in your situation.

Love (((((((hugs)))))
Alegab

January 16, 2005
5:32 pm
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Hi Guys:

Tomorrow i have a session with a family therapist with my two daughters.

I feel like a failure again. I had promised myself that i would not answer J call/s if he called me this week end. He didn't call yesterday. He called this morning and i had my phone off so he left a message. He usually greets me with "hello baby" this time he greeted me with Hello and my first name (maybe i am reading into it too much). He said i hope you are having a nice time and i want you to know that i am thinking of you, i will try to call you later if i can. He tried again, very quickly. I guess he was "wondering" why i didn't answer the phone the first time. I had my phone on the second time he called but i didn't answer. He called again a second later and I "fell for it." He said i just called you why didn't you answer? I said i was in the other room. He asked me if i was having a good time and when would i be home. I said probably this evening. he said why don't you stay until tomorrow? I said i was missing the kids and i wanted to be home. He didn't ask what i did yesterday but i MADE UP SOMETHING to see his reaction. I told him that last night my friend and I went to a club. He said where, i told him where and he asked if i danced with others. I said yes. I said, you know how much i like to dance. He went hmmmmmmmm. He seemed like he was jealous or disturbed by my answer. Of course he wanted to make sure he still had "control" and said I miss you very much. He seemed down but didn't say anything. He CANNOT SAY A WORD OF WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE, EVEN IF IT WAS TRUE THAT I TOLD HIM I WENT DANCING. I feel so angry at myself for having answered that second call. I was trying to act non caring. I said, i hope we get to see each other before you go to Paris (its the middle of February). He said of course, we will work something out. He is so full of it. All he wants is control and have his needs met. Sometimes i think he does care for me in his "own way". I believe that I am a likeable person and there shouldn't be any reason why he wouldn't like me. But..... the reality is that he is with his wife and will always be. She is on the main path and i am in the periphery. I don't want that.

Tonight i have my SLAA meeting. I am looking forward to that.

I hope all is well with you Brownie. I will look for a post from you later.

Also, i am thinking about what I did in pushing him to "send me on a vacation" to see how far he'd go. Now i feel very stupid after i saw the outcome (him saying no). I feel ashamed for having done that when i didn't want that at all from him. I am very proud and even if he had said yes, i would have turned it down. Do you think i should apologize for having made up that whole story or just let it go. I feel very guilty about it.

Love, ((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Alegab

January 16, 2005
10:02 pm
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Alegab,

Don't you dare apologize for anything! You have done nothing wrong. He's the one who should be apologizing to you for being such a jerk and leading you on.

I hate to say this, but I see you doing pretty much the same things I have tried to get my ex back.

I'm reading a book right now called "Daily Mediations for Women who love too much"...one of the mediations quoted is: Loving turns into loving too much when your partner is inapporpriate, uncaring, or unavailable, and yet you cannot give him up - in fact, you want him, you need him even more". That one struck a chord with me as well as "When our relationships jeaopardize our emotional well-being and perhaps even our physical health and safety, we are definitely loving too much.

For myself, I am definitely a woman who loves too much and I can see some of the same symptoms in your threads. I know it's hard and you'll be feeling a lot of pain, but you need to try and let this guy out of your life. He DEFINITELY will never be available to you and you deserve so much more. {{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

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