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Saw "J" tonight, continued ALEGAB
January 9, 2005
11:43 pm
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Alegab
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Hi everyone- The high was so great with the thought of seeing him. Like an addict getting their fix.

We were both on time but i was upset even before seeing him. He had only two hours to spend with me. I can't understand anything he says or he is playing mind games (he is a psychologist).

I was in a very down mood. I shouldn't have gone. Too late now. I was crying alot and I modified the thread on Committed love vs. Romantic Love, where it said my name i changed it to he/she. I had him read it and he said it is very true. I asked him what he was to me he said "your lover". I don't know what i expected him to say. I told him I couldn't stand my marital situation anymore. I said if it ends then "our" relationship will end." He said "what do you mean?" Somewhere in the conversation i mentioned something about his age. He said i don't remember, i am not good at that. OMG
I said how can't you remember. When we met he told me he was 57 and would be 58 in August. Then he said, i was born in l947. What kind of game is that. He is probably lying about his age or doesn't remember what he told who.

He said he sensed that I was unhappy with him especially this past week. I said you know what I have been going through, he said of course, that's why i feel so bad.

I asked him why he hasn't been on line since before X-mas. He said that he is so exhausted from work that he goes to bed around 9 pm. He just got back from the Carib, why is he so tired. I said well soon you will be going to Paris, he said yes in a few weeks. He said i never loose a day without speaking to you. Sometimes we speak more than twice. BIG DEAL!!! I think I said, you do your obligation. I was in a very bad state of mind.

When he said he had to leave, I said, please go I am going to stay here a little while and rest. He said NOOOOOOOOOO, i don't feel comfortable leaving you here. I am worried about you. I said ok I'll stay in the car. He said no, He kept asking me if i would be ok. I said i would be much better if you told me "i refuse to leave you alone, i will call home and say i'd be two hours late." He didn't answer me. The way he sounded was like he was afrain I'd commit suicide.

He left and said please get home safe. I stayed about 45 minutes and then left.

I would think that the right thing for him to have done IF HE WAS REALLY CONCERNED ABOUT ME he should have called me on the cell just before he got home or come on line and leave me an e-mail to make sure i got home ok.

I told him i took him off my buddy list and i unsent everything i had sent him. He said why are you dismissing me? I said why should i keep waiting for you to come on line and never do. Also why should i send you mail if you never read it.

He said we have a really special relationship because it is not about f------. This is making love with feeling. We care very much about each other. He said that maybe what we should do when he has very little time is do other things. Like go to dinner or have a drink together and talk. I said yes, that's a good idea. Is it a good idea?

I keep going back and forth with my feelings. I feel like i am on a merry go round.

I use to say I Love You. I stopped saying it. Tonight i was very very depressed.
I am thinking of not answering my phone tomorrow and let him wonder what happened to me. But why play these games?

I hate myself for being such a love addict. Just him holding me, caressing me, whiping away my tears, kissing my hands and being gentle make me feel so "temporarily wonderful." I always wanted that from someone in a relationship but i never had it.

The bottom line is he is unavailable. He will never be.

I am paranoid about everything he says. His ups and downs keep me on a roller coaster. As I mentioned in one of my other threads he once said "i wish you were happy in your marriage, i would be thrilled to provide what you don't get."

Please keep me focused on reality and not be so childish to believe what he says. I must be strong enough to see through what he says. I do intellectually, i just can't END IT RIGHT NOW. Will i ever be able to? They say an addict must quit cold turkey. It is the truth. I pray to my Lord that he helps me through this.

I please ask for your support and prayers.

Thank you.

((((((((((huggs)))))))))))

January 10, 2005
12:30 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Alegab: I can't tell you anything you haven't told yourself. You are settling for crumbs w/ this man. Why is HE having an affair in the first place? He doesn't have anything to offer you, he's not available and the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to end it. And it will end. You know that. He's not leaving his wife. So, even if YOU weren't married, what would you be getting out of this? You will always be second string to him, and you will always be disappointed, feel cheated, get hte leftovers, etc, etc, etc. He can't be there when it matters without threatening his marriage and he's made it clear that is a priority. Aren't you worth more than this? To accept tidbits from him? I had an affair w/ a married man and finally got tired of it(after 18 years! He wasn't married the whole time but did have a child w/ this woman). He strung me along for a long time, knew all the right things to say, and do. Sex was terrific. He'd call on his cell when he left and talk to me. Very attentive DURING THE WORK DAY. But- never at night- never on the weekends, never on holidays- you know the story. I started feeling creepy, putting myself in his wife's shoes- how would I feel if I knew my husband was over screwing someone when I thought he was at work. Running all over town- all he needed was a cell phone and a car. How he must manipulate her and lie to her. JUST LIKE HE DID TO ME. Your guy is getting something out of this(do I have to spell it out?) or he wouldn't be doing it. Is this his first affair? Do you know if this is his ONLY affair? Does he have sex w/ his wife too? I don't think you should trust him at all and I hope you see that this isn't good for you. Been there. My thoughts are with you. SD

January 10, 2005
12:39 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Alegab,

I understand totally your dilemna. You know what you need to do, but you're not yet strong enough to do it. He obviously provides the temporary feeling of love, compassion - the things you are probably missing in your marriage. But I think you know that, like me, you need to let go of this man. He will never be available. I know that about my ex too, but here I am trying to reel him back in. Deep down I know it's hopeless.

I know I'm not the best person to give you advice, since I can't seem to follow my advice either --- but you've got to find a way to move on. Maybe you need to go out and meet other men. Who knows, you might meet someone that will make you forget all about J.

I will keep you in my prayers.

January 10, 2005
12:54 am
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SweetAmanda
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I asked my mom about this kind of thing. What made her decide to change? Decide to stop accepting the abuse and the crumbs from my dad?

She said that she wouldn't have, really... If there was another way. If she thought she had a chance. She said it really does come down to basically being dead...

I wish I had her here to explain it. But it was like this: She had no choice but to leave him or die.

It's much the same with you. There will come a time when you have had enough.

There will be no more 'temporary wonderful'. You will basically be dead.

Oddly, that's when you’ll be strong enough. Or you'll die trying.

January 10, 2005
11:33 am
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Alegab
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Hi everyone- Thank you for your support and "reality" words. Sdesigns you said "do i have to spell it out? Yes i know why he is in this relationship. He wants his cake and eat it too. Supposedly he had one "serious affair" with someone he went to graduate school with. I think he said it lasted four years but she wanted him to leave his wife. They have since parted and she got married. He also told me that he has tried to meet other women through the internet and bars but the relatinships never worked out!!! I wonder why? jajajajajja

He has told me that he's been in therapy alone and with his wife. Believe me he has issues. Being a psychologist i had put him on a pedastal. I know better now.

This morning he called me very early. The first thing he said was "yesterday was so wonderful." I didn't even answer him. He said what's wrong you sound upset. I said I am upset. I said i see how worried you were, you didn't even call me on my cell or at least come home and leave me an e-mail. He said he tried to call me twice on his way home but the phones weren't working. As we were speaking a student had to be seen so he hung up and called me right back again. I told him all i am doing in this relatinship is receiving crumbs and i don't like it. He said "here we go again with the crumb thing" i said it has always been there i just thought i could handle it. For him everything is fine unless i make waves. I don't want to live that way, i want to be who i am and say what i feel. Not walk on eggs and say what "he wants to hear."

I know that I know what i MUST do. It is difficult but not IMPOSSIBLE. Yes i will go through a grieving period but eventually i'll be ok. In addiction form its called "withdrawal"
believe me its no fun. At least with drugs and alcohol you just stop cold turkey.With relationships you are dealing with people and feelings and the temptation is always there.

I seemed so strong last night and early this morning that i wouldn't answer the phone. NOPEEEEE, impulsively i picked it up (my cell). He originally had given me his home number but once when we tried to break up i tore it up. I was not allowed to call him anyway. Recently I asked him if i could have his number again in the event of an emergency. He asked what would i consider an emergency? I said God forbid i got hit by a car or something happened to my children. He said oh. He said i guess what you'd do is call my work # and leave a message then call my home and hang up. I would get back to you within the hour. Last night i asked him for the phone number. He said what do you really need it for? I said don't you remember what i told you? He didn't give it to me. I guess he is afraid i would make trouble for him. I would never ever do that to his wife. I put myself in her place. She is innocent to this. By the way, i called information and I do have his number. He doesn't know it.

I was thinking of telling him to cool it for a while, not talk to each other or see each other until after he comes back from Paris in February. Hopefully in that time i would be over him. I don't know if i am strong enough to do it, especially if he tries to convince me not to.

Guys please keep me in your prayers and i will keep you in mine. I need all the support and God's unconditional love to keep me going.

Love,
(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))Alegab

January 10, 2005
11:43 am
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Hi Alegab: I think that telling him to cool it for awhile is a good move. Lets him know you're not so available to him. The fact that maybe he could get back to you in a hour if there is an emergency sort of spells it out, doesn't it? He's not willing to be there for you when it may really matter. He's there for the fun and games, and only when it is convenient to him. Doesn't want you rocking the boat on his "primary" life. You are the periphery. The little "something extra" he needs in his life. But what do you get out of it? I read your other post and you're on the right path. You deserve better than this and you realize it. My thoughts are with you. SD

January 10, 2005
1:44 pm
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Hi SD- Thank you for posting. You're "truth" makes it ever more real. I spoke to him a little while ago again. He says that the hurt I feel is killing him and I must decide what i want to do. I said I know what i should do but i feel weak right now. He said maybe i am your drug. I said yes, i think you are.
I told him about the idea of us separating until he comes back and he didn't really like that idea. He said i don't want to loose you. He said this is not the way an affair should be. I said how should it be?
I asked him if the affair he had with the other woman was like this? He said no. I am putting two and two together and am wondering if its because they saw each other almost every day at school (he had taken time off to get his doctorate). I said, but when she asked you to leave your wife you ended it.
I said i don't want to be with you and everything be fine until...... i say something you don't like.

He said you are like a computer you remember everything i say. I said, yes i do, i must protect myself and see things for what they really are. I don't want to live in fantasy and imagine things that are not. I told him that right now i am going through a difficult time at home and with him. He said I am not responsible for your misery!!!! I said i didn't say you were. My problems at home are my issues. Just before we hung up he said i am glad we got to talk. Yeah right. What did we resolve? Nothing.

He is going to continue manipulating me as he has IF I LET HIM. I said to him who do you go home to every night, can i speak to you week ends or are you only available during 8-3. Who do you go away on vacations with? When i mentioned to him what he said last night "something to the effect that i don't know what really goes on in his house and i'd like to know what he meant" he said, i don't know what you are referring to. I don't remember. he always does that
when he doesn't want to discuss something. HE SUDDENLY GETS AMNESIA.

Thanks for reading me SD. Please keep posting all you guys. My prayers are with you.

Love
(((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

January 10, 2005
2:30 pm
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Alegab, You are having a hard time letting go of this married man because you are still in fantasy land. In your posts it keeps sounding like you want to convince others or yourself that he cares by posting things he says or does. But what he says or does means nothing. You can't read anything into them. He only wants to keep the affair going for very selfish reasons and will say and do things to keep you hooked not because he cares about you. He doesn't care. You can't beleive a word he says, you can't trust any of his feelings. He is married and committed to someone else who he will never leave. Its no big deal that he is a psychologist. They are just as human and falliable as anyone else. Yes, you are getting crumbs. Stay with the reality and take him off the pedestal. He is a cheater and a liar and only cares about himself and don't try to fool yourself otherwise.

January 10, 2005
2:43 pm
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Hi Alegab,

I liked your analogy of receiving 'crumbs'. That sums up my previous relationship very well. Everything was good as long as I 'abided' by the unspoken rules--didn't make waves, didn't say anything out of line, didn't question, etc. When I got to the point of "what is he doing for ME in this relationship" I still refused to give in and end it. I thought things would change. They didn't, and he ended up dumping me. Alcoholics count that they are XX days 'sober'. I am going on 23 days of 'no contact'.

We all know that time heals all wounds. But when you are on day 1, day 10 or for some, even day 100--it seems like it never will. We all have good days and bad days (just ask me--tonight at 9pm I'll be a wreck again). But ask yourself, and BE HONEST--don't you deserve better than 'crumbs'? I think we all do. Make your pro/con list of what this guy has to offer you. Refer to it often when you get weak. Trust me, cold turkey is the only way to go. Live in the present. Don't worry about what happened/or was said in the past, and don't try to predict the future.

My question to you is--why even bother with him after Paris? Cut him off now and it will only get easier. I promise.

January 10, 2005
2:53 pm
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Alegab, i guess there is not much more for me to say, since most of the posts said it all....I wish you comfort and you are in my prayers during this difficult time. Stay strong!! ok!! you deserve the best in the world, and please believe that!!!

Gemini...congrats! on your 23 days of no contact.....i am proud of you!!!!

(((camer))))

January 10, 2005
7:32 pm
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Alegab
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Hi Guys- Thank you so very much for your words of wisdom and support. Today was another of those difficult days. My mind was "obsessing" and the recording wouldn't stop. He was right in saying your mind is like a computer (i mean it in a different sense than he does). I always remember a quote that a teacher in HS once made "to be a liar you have to have a very good memory." He obviously doesn't have a good memory because when confronted with something he doesn't remember or doesn't want to answer he says I don't recall that.

Geminigirl- CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!!!!
Wow 23 days of "not acting out". That's what they call it in SLAA. S is based on the same principles as AA. Good for you. You are taking care of yourself and your needs. Keep up the good work.

Kathygy I feel you were a little bit harsh in your wording. I am referring to the part where you say "You are having a hard time letting go of this married man because you are still in fantasy land. In your posts it keeps sounding like you want to convince others or yourself that he cares by posting things he says or does."

Although you might think I am in fantasy or trying to convince myself its not true. I am being honest with myself. I know the truth, its just difficult to accept when one is so needy. I do admit to being a LOVE ADDICT. The disease does not go away over night just like it didn't come over night. My behavior is a pattern that i've had most of my adult life. Perhaps its difficult for you to understand, maybe you have never been in a similar situation. I am not criticizing you, i am just commenting and making an observation.

To all I thank you from the bottom of my heart for posting. Please keep doing it.

Love, ((((((((hugs))))))

January 10, 2005
9:23 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Alegab: Has he ever told you why he's unhappy in his marriage and goes outside of it? More than once? A habit of his? You gotta wonder if his wife actually does know he does this since this isn't the first time. Maybe she's OK w/ it. Maybe she's getting all she wants or needs from him. Is he trying to improve his marriage, just going thru the motions, or what? Why does he stay? What does committment mean to him- with his wife or with you?

As for his comment about that's not how an affair should be- what the heck does that mean? That everything should be his way and easy for him? What??? Are there rules?

The evil part of me thought you should ask him to give you a trip to Paris (yeah, I know he can't take you but why not send you on your own?) Just to see how far he would go to keep you. I'm sure he'd be very uncomfortable.

Anyhow, take it day by day. And take care of your needs! SD

January 11, 2005
10:20 am
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Alegab
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Hi Sdesigns- I really got a laugh out of your suggestion of him giving me a trip to Paris. jajajajajjaja You are not evil, i thought the same thing.

At Christmas time i mentioned to him that i was in such financial difficulty that i might not be able to buy my children presents. He "offered" to LEND me 500 and to pay him back a bit at a time (he is loaded with money). I said, i thank you for your offer, that is very nice of you, i'll think about it and get back to you. I never gave him an answer because I knew i wouldn't accept it. He never bought it up again.

As far as his wife knowing I don't know what to make of it. I suspect that he has been caught. He is very very careful with his actions--- sees me when he is certain he could "cover his ass", calls me on week ends when she is not around etc.

He told me he has been in therapy both alone and with his wife. He doesn't give much detail about things. He is very vague. As far as why he is not happy in his marriage he told me "there is no intimacy, she is not affectionate, there is no sex (i have a suspicion that maybe she is withholding that from him for having been caught, if its true they don't have sex-- who knows). He does tell me all the positive--- they get along, they enjoy the same things, she is a companion. HE STAYS BECAUSE IT MEETS HIS NEEDS AT HOME AND HE THINKS HE IS ENTITLED TO MEET THE REST WITH SOMEONE ELSE, BUT GIVE MINIMALLY. He told me himself "i am entitled to meet my needs." Another words i want my cake and eat it too.

In the beginning of the affair he told me he was "committed" to me. What a joke!!!!!! What has he done to prove that?

I wonder what he thinks an affair should be for him? I asked him if the long " affair with the other woman was like this, he said not at all." He is full of it, he forgot he told me that it then started to get ugly. Of course when she asked him to leave his wife for her it ended. Yes there are rules, HIS rules. Everything is fine as long as I don't make any waves. When i told him yesterday "all i'm getting from you is crumbs, he said here we go again with crumbs." I made waves so things are not ok.

Don't think I am kidding, i am going to put him on a spot. I've been talking about getting away, i need to go away to get my thoughts together (for family reasons and of course because of him)he agrees. But.... i don't have any money. Yesterday he suggested i look in the paper and maybe i can go away for a week end, its not that expensive. I am going to be BOLD and ask him to pay for it. I will turn it down of course but i just want to see how far he goes.

I am sorry for going on and on. I am so besides myself with all my problems.

Thank you for listening. Please keep posting.

Love (((((((hugs))))))
Alegab

January 11, 2005
12:57 pm
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Hi Everyone: I just came back from an hour walk. I was talking to myself and crying for all the heartache i've been through in this relationship.

Prior to going for my walk 10:30 Eastern time, i called him DESPARATENESS and he wasn't at his desk. I left a message "hi give me a call when you have a chance, if you want to." As of now, 1 pm he hasn't called me back. I have a feeling he is turning things around HIS WAY and feels he is right in his feelings. He should not be questioned or anyone making waves to him. I know him pretty well.

He is a very smart cookie. He always knew what to say and when to say it. He knows/knew how needy i am of love and affection and he gives it to me when we are together (he is demonstrative of it). That is as far as it goes. He thinks he is entitled to his needs without giving much in return. I AM SORRY FOR GOING ON AND ON WITH THE SAME THING. I am so angry at myself right now. I am angry for not following through on the advice i give others. Right now i am working on minute by minute not to call him again. I am going to get myself busy with putting away x-mas stuff. That will keep me busy for a long while. Also, if he does not call me back IT CERTAINLY GIVES A CLEAR MESSAGE, HE DIDN'T WANT TO CALL ME BACK. In the past he always got back to me no matter what.

Sorry again for going on about this.

Thanks for being here for me.

Love, (((((((hugs))))))))))
Alegab

January 11, 2005
1:00 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Alegab: You don't have to apologize for "going on and on". that's what this place is for plus don't you feel better to get all of that out?

Maybe ask him to pay for the hotel (on a credit card) and leave the credit card open for meal charges at the hotel. If he can't send you to Paris he could at least pay for a hotel for a weekend. Or does he think he deserves FREE sex? Even Dr. Laura always says "Well at least a hooker gets paid!" The guy I had an affair w/ did that once (although his suggestion) when I needed to get away from my living situation. One of the very few things he ever did for me financially, of course. And of course he came to the hotel in the afternoon- had to get home, you know? I never asked for much and as a result, never got much. I think thats part of why I disgusted myself.

I'll bet he's afraid of getting divorced and losing a pile of money. I think the wife must have something over him and she really has the power.

"I am entitled to meet my needs" What??? Me, me, me. Where do you fit into this? My ex is in AA and I asked if he ever sponsored women- he said no because I have needs. Meaning he would ecrew any women he sponsored. YUK!

Keep venting and posting- if nothing else it helps to purge your thoughts. Hang in there! SD

January 11, 2005
1:31 pm
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Alegab, Maybe my words were harsh but I stand behind them. That is what I hear from you. I will always be very honest in my feedback. I have been in fanasty land over a married man once in my life a long time ago so I know what its like. I would never be involved with someone who is married again. I want someone who is completely available to me. I will never again settle for less. It is hard for me to see someone do that.

January 11, 2005
2:20 pm
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Also, you keep saying you are having a hard time letting go because you are a love addict. I suggest to you that you are using that as an excuse not to let go of a very bad situation. You are not a victim. Start telling yourself you can do it, you are not trapped.

January 11, 2005
6:34 pm
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Hi everyone- here i am once again, i am shaking in anger towards myself and more anger for him for having strung me along for 9 months with all the things i wanted to hear. I ALLOWED HIM TO TAKE MY POWER AWAY.

He called me back this afternoon and sounded kind of out of it. He asked me if i was ok and i said "sort of". I asked him how he was and he said "overwhelmed with work." I said, its funny that this year all of a sudden you are overwhelmed, when we first met (may) you had alot of time on your hands to call me. He'd be on the phone with me like in an obsessive way. Calling me 4-5 times a day, starting out with normal conversation and then always turning it into a sexual thing. He said, things get worst all the time.

I told him that i was feeling kind of out of it but better than yesterday. I said to him "i am going to be very direct with you, I want to know for whatever is missing in your marriage are you willing to leave your wife for it?" He said no, i can adjust and live without it. I said what are those things, he got annoyed and said, i don't want to rehash and say the same things over and over- what he didnt' want to repeat is that he and his wife get along fairly well, they enjoy the same things, the do alot of travelling, they are both into wine, they have companionship etc. He is lacking the excitement of SEX with someone younger and someone who pleases him. I said, i know what I want in a relationship and you cannot give it to me, you are not available to me and you are committed to your wife. He said, i am also committed to you. I said yes, by seeing me only on your terms and when its good for you and it doesn't interfere with your marriage. He said, that is right.
He said i try my best to try and do good things for us. jajajjajaj
I told him that i think about him constantly. He said, that is not healthy. Yet, a few weeks ago he wrote me an e-mail saying I THINK OF YOU CONSTANTLY. When we tried to break off a few months ago i wrote him a letter telling him that if for some reason i should weaken and call him, to please hang up on me. Of course i got weak and a few days later i called him. He didn't hang up on me. He did not respect my wishes. He said i guess i can't let go of you for my own selfish reasons. Today he told me that no matter what happens he will always care about me. I also confronted him on the issue of his wife knowing about his affair/affairs and that's why she is so on top of him. He said, first of all i only had one affair and she didn't know about it and secondly you are the only other person i've had an affair with. BS
He said how awful he feels in making me feel pain. He said i can't stand it, it is distructive to you!!! BUT HIS NEEDS COME FIRST.

I got bold and asked him something that i would never do in a million years. I said i am going to bow down to you and ask you something. I said, would you send me to Paris? I don't mean with you and your wife, just me by myself. He hesitated and didn't know what to say. I said, you know what? since you told me to look in the travel section for perhaps a week end thing maybe you can do that instead. He said, you mean me pay for it? I said, yes i mean exactly that. jajajajaja I said, i am sorry for putting you on the spot, you don't have to answer me now, think about it and let me know. I already know the answer NOOOOOOOOOO. Even if he says ok, i would never accept it.

He is such a chronic liar and manipulator that he believes his own lies. I am praying with all my heart to God to help me end it tomorrow. The only thing i am confused about is if i should tell him a few choice things before hanging up or just say you are a cheat and a liar and you always will be one. Please don't ever get in touch with me under any circumstances. I know I am very close to ending it, i don't want this agony anymore.

My therapist told me something a few months ago. She said i am going to tell you something that is going to be very painful to hear but i feel 99% sure of it. She said "to him you are one step above a prostitute." Maybe i should tell him before hanging up, gee i am so sorry that i didn't charge you a fee, after all, what you thought of me was one step above a prostitute.

Should i send him back whatever he gave me? It wasn't much but nevertheless i don't want any part of it. He gave me a teddy bear with a heart that said i love you and on the other hand holding a flower. For Crhistmas he gave me a pin, and an ornament from the Metropolitan Museum and a CD of some Brazilian guy who sings jazz (i do't recall the name, but i knew who it was). I am not one bit materialistic but i was just curious to see what he spent on me. He spent about 30-35 for X-mas.

He knows very well and had me figured out very quickly that I HAVE NO SELF ESTEEM. Anyone with any sort of Self Esteem would have been gone after the first encounter. See how he forgets things. He told me he had been stood up twice from women he made dates from the internet. How many did he succeed at?

In all the 9 months we were together he ordered in once and he took me to two expensive restaurants twice. WOW
In the meantime he travels all over the world!!!!

I am sorry for going on and on and on. Today I called all the women on my contact list of SLAA (women call women, men call men). I was only able to reach one person and that helped. I left messages for everyone else. They suggest you do and say what you want that is an intent to make contact with someone and seek the
help.

I am shaking like a leaf even though i took my prescribed medications.
Please post your support, i need it badly.

Thank you ever so much. Sorry for being so needy and perhaps not making much sense.

Love (((((((hugs)))))))

January 11, 2005
7:26 pm
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dustygirl
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YOUR DOING THE RIGHT THING ALEGA.. TRUST ME. My boyfriend left his wife over 2 years ago - we had been seeing each other for 6 months prior.

Affairs don't work. He will not divorce her, has now been in constant communication with her (he says it's becuz of the kids), thats nonsense - it just feeds his ego to know she would take him back in a second.

I am gripped with fear that he will go back to her - but not just her - what makes me think that I am so great that he wouldn't do the same thing to me that he did to his wife - if he hasn't all ready. My self esteem is so low because of this relationship as I don't feel I deserve anything better since I feel like I am the reason they split up (he says it wasn't me). I cry all the time, am lonlier than if I was really alone, I am on anti anxiety meds all becuz of the relationship with a married man. B/4 him I was pretty healthy and happy - not anymore. I don't eat, sleep and have a hard time functioniong because of the "what ifs"

Get out NOW, stay away don't look back - yu sound like you have allot to offer and yes, there is someone out there that will appreciate it.

January 11, 2005
8:18 pm
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Hi Alegab: Good for you for being so bold and standing up for yourself. He's getting very uncomfortable because his free ride is changing. That's what he's been getting. He's looked on the internet for other younger women? If it wasn't you, it would be someone else. I think you're finding out what he's about. He's willing to SAY just about anything but thats about the extent of it. I don't know about sending back the gifts- maybe just put them aside for now. You may like to waer the pin later or something- but for me- I always throw things out- don't want any reminders.

Like you said, in the beginning he had time for you. Now that you're hooked, he doesn't have to make as much effort. And what are you going to do? You have no power over him whatsoever. If he really cared he would be acting much differently.

I am glad you are coming to the realization that this entanglement is not worth anything, or as you put it, the agony. Its not making you happy, just causing you pain- you DO have power over what to do about this. You have the power to take care of yourself and treat yourself well. You're getting there. Give yourself a huge hug and pat on the back. SD

January 12, 2005
3:45 am
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Hi Designs: It is 3:00 am Eastern time and i can't sleep. I was in bed at 8 pm reading back my journal to October. Page after page is the same thing over and over. THIS CANNOT WORK. In one entry he was telling me that it could not work for various reasons-- we lived too far from each other, i (meaning him)f----- things up from the very beginning, i cannot meet your needs, i never promised to see you, i said "i will try." OH GOD HOW COULD I STAND FOR THAT?

He is really screwed up. When I changed my phone number after we broke up the first time, he was on line that night saying he "needed me and had to see me."

I am LIVID thinking what he said to me today "i can adjust and live without it" and acknowledging that he was committed to me BUT ONLY WHEN IT WAS GOOD FOR HIM." How dare him think he is God's gift to women and that he is "deserving" of having his needs met. I don't like to wish people bad, I know there is a God and he sees everything. He will take care of it. "J" says he is an atheist. I believe it.

I have such anxiety right now, i've already taken all my meds for the day so i just have to get this negative energy out of me.

I had mentioned it in another thread, i don't know if you read it. A month or so after we met, one day he was on line for an unusual amount of time, normally "his wife is looking over him." I got suspicious of what he was doing (i was observing with another screen name i have). He was in a chat room, I decided to approach him and see what he would do. YOU WOULD NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HE DID. He asked me if he could see me the following day. At first i hesitated but then i said hey why not. So i made a date with him. In the meantime he was suppose to see ME the following day. I arranged to see him in the morning and made the second date in the afternoon. I showed up acting as cool as a cucumber he acted the same. I wrote him a letter telling him all sorts of horrible things and at the end saying I don't even want to remember your name. He spent about two hours with me and then said he had to go, his mother was coming for a BBQ. As we were approaching his car i guess my face showed a change. He caressed my arm and said "are you ok, you seem upset?" I said no, i guess its because you have to go. As he was about to get out of the car I said "wait hold on a minute I have something to give you." That's when i lost it. I said you f son of a b
you thought you were a smart ass (he mentioned to this other supposed woman that sometimes he could be a smart ass)this time the ass is you. You thought you could get away with it. He didnt' know where to put his face and started to cry. He said I had a real and wonderful thing and I screwed it up. I was totally hysterical and i told him to get out of my car. I said you can read the letter in your car. He said please please drive carefully!!!!!! That night he sent me an e-mail apologizing beyond belief, how he could never live with himself for what he did, how he could understand how i would loose respect for him,that he had to cancel the bbq and his wife and daughter were asking what was wrong with him, he looked so awful etc. etc. To make a long story short I FELL FOR IT. I e-mailed him back. He got what he wanted again.

I am so scared of the morning coming and him calling me like he said he would. I am afraid of myself of keeping this agony going. I pray that he doesn't try at all to convince me in any way. I suspect that he has someone else already. He has not been on line in about three weeks. I am sure he has another screen name now. I blocked him from seeing me on line and i unsent all the mail that goes back to the beginning of December. There is a very fine line between LOVE and Hate. I think i crossed it.

I know in my heart i am a good person and deserving of respect, love, affection caring in the true sense of the words. I MUST CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I AM WORTHY and have SELF ESTEEM. If i allowed him to treat me the way he treated me "hey he went for a free ride" like you said.

Thank you for being here for me. Your words and the words of others are very encouraging. I guess the time will come where somewhere in my memory i will say "J"? "J" who?????

I am going to drink a camomille tea, that might help me relax.

Love and many (((((((hugs)))))))
Thanks again. Please keep posting.

Alegab

January 12, 2005
9:18 am
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Hi- The camomille tea helped a little. I finally got to sleep. I just got up and I am anxious. He told me he wouldn't be at work until around 11 11:30 so he hasn't called yet.

I am trying my best to keep calm. In a little while I go to physical therapy for the pain in my lower back, legs and hips (stress). Hopefully that will relax me too.

I will keep you posted of what happens. I NEED YOUR SUPPORT, PLEASE BE HERE FOR ME.

Thank you so much.

Love and many ((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Alegab

January 12, 2005
10:16 am
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curly
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Your J. makes me think of a book I read once called "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them." Based on what you say and in my opinion, he doesn't love his wife, you or anyone, starting with himself. Even if his wife left him tomorrow, he still wouldn't be there for you.
I think codependent and/or low self-esteem women like myself try to get love and affection and security from the very place (the men) it is impossible to get it. Trying to get it keeps us busy - like bailing out a sinking boat with a sieve - so we don't have to face ourselves. Also we get to prove to ourselves that we are unloveable and deserve unhappiness. This way we don't have to love ourselves, learn to be independent (alone and happy with our own company) and take responsibility for our lives. Ah, I know all the words but I can't seem to get out of the victim trap either. I have felt trapped all my life and since I have become an adult, I have trapped myself in the martyr/victim role. It is a delusion. A lot of women I know are afraid of their power. Let's take our power back one hour, one small action, one small victory at a time. Do not call and more importantly, do not wait. I know you have all these things you want to say to him but forget it. It won't change anything. By not ever talking to him again, throwing his stuff out etc. YOU will know what you know and that is more important than him knowing. Him not knowing what you are up to will drive him crazier than anything because then he will have lost all conrol and that is his big fear it seems, since he can cry on cue - he cries because he gets caught. Are you afraid of him. I hope you are well. Take a deep breath, Take a walk and breathe and feel YOUR precious life. As for me, I must try to stop obsessing over men and get my work done before I get fired.

January 12, 2005
10:58 am
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Curly I just wanted to say thanks - you have hit it on the head. Taking back our power is key in getting better and moving on. Last night I felt good as I didn't drive to see my b/f. It was a small step atleast in the right direction, but atleast it was an attempt.
He asked this morning if I was coming over tonight and I said I didn't know and I told him that I am not relaxed when I am around him anymore - so I was nervous about going. I probably will, but will try everything in my might to not.

Alegab - you are doing great and just keep on trying. You/we are allot stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we deserve allot more than we think we do. Set a goal each morning - nomatter how small and stick to it. Yesterday was to not make the effort to go see my b/f - extremely hard and though we talked I atleast accomplished it. Today - I don't know yet - it may be to just not obssess so much over the "what if's" and focus on me today.

Your a fabulous person - keep telling yourself that. Your fabulous, your smart, your sensitive and caring and most of all you deserve better than this.

Keep posting here and know that I will always be here for you.

January 12, 2005
11:41 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Alegab: i think that looking back in your journal (aren't journals great!) you can see that there has been nothing but turmoil in this relationship since the beginning. And you recognized that too- changing your phone number, catching him on line, even him setting up a date with someone else (you), etc. He is definetly a player and its all a game. His wife knows this too if she checks up on him.

Alegab- you are worthy and you do have self esteem . If you didn't you wouldn't be feeling the way you do. I know for me, I was so angry at myself for putting up with the crap, letting myself be used, etc- I hated myself instead of hating him. I lost 30 pounds while in the relationship and another 30 when we finally broke up for good. These relationships are not good if they are making us physically ill while we are in them. Now that I can see things a little more clearly, I think I was so desperate for love I would take any little crumb he gave me. I was pathetic. Now he wouldn't get the time of day from me.
I think we have to go thru these things to realize our worth. Hit bottom, as they say. I think you are getting there. He is basically telling you (and has all along) that you are his little something extra, take it or leave it. I hope you are going to leave it. And don't feel bad for him no matter what he does- because he will do this to someone else. You already have proof of that- absolutely no question there.

The book that Curly mentioned about misogynists is a good one. I think she's right about your guy fitting that description.

One thing that is very hard is to realize that this has nothing to do with you as a person. Try not to take it personally. It is just how this man behaves and relates to women. I know it takes a very long time to get past these things, but you've got to start sometime and it sounds like you're ready to move on. If you don't, you just doing this to yourself and you can't blame him anymore. He has shown all of his cards and its up to you whether you want to play the game anymore. I don't think you do- you will never win a hand at this game. It is destroying you.

He has proved he is not worthy of your affections or your trust. You deserve more and you don't deserve this. My thoughts are with you. SD

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