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Saw him this weekend. I'm right back where I was....
September 13, 2005
4:06 pm
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desperate4love
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terrified of losing him. He draws me in like a moth to a flame. I will do anything for him, for his approval, for some affection and love from him.

He was sweet - but distant. He is just not that affectionate. I blame myself. I think "I bet he was more affectionate with so and so, or that other girl he loved and was engaged to". He has told me of his breakups in depth, he's shown me photo albums full of pics of him and his ex kissing, etc. Why? I hate seeing that.

Anyway, he told me to call him yesterday when I got home. I left a vm. He never called last night and hasn't called today.

He told me I took care of him too much and that he didn't have anything to give me in gratitude. I said "Just call me, talk to me". Then, what does he do??? Doesn't call me!

I am going insane worrying that I can't live without him. I am terrified of losing him. And, he's talking about staying in FL now. I about lost it on that one. So, then he said he *would* come back, that it was just a possiblity he would stay down there (he was going to live with a couple he knows - a guy/girl - they would get a 2 bedroom and he would take a job delivering pizzas!)

I am just a mess over this young man who has such a hold/grip on me. I think about him 24/7, want him, want to talk to him, be with him, it's like I can't get enough.

September 13, 2005
4:16 pm
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Anonymous
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as hard as it is - maybe him moving there would be better for all involved.

he said it to get a reaction from you - and got it - he told you to call - and you did.

he is playing games - "come into the light little moth"...his ego thrives on the attention..."and once you are here, let me burn you with my heat".

you CAN live without him - how did you live before you met him???

the only grip he has on you is the one you allow him to have - remove his hand and be firm and work on moving on.

in the meantime - see a therapist, go to a coda meeting, or read a book - all great ways to deal with breakups.

September 13, 2005
4:20 pm
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desperate4love
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I have a therapy appt. 9-20. Can't wait.

He acted like he wanted me to call because he wanted to make sure I got home ok. Then he doesn't call me back????? I don't understand WHY he does this to me. And, he hasn't called today either. After I *told* him that was what I wanted/needed - him to pay me more attention.

I am constantly telling him how hot he is, how awesome he is, how much I love him and am addicted to him. And, he treats me like this. I don't understand.

September 13, 2005
4:27 pm
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Anonymous
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he watned to make sure you got home okay - so you called - left him a message - he got it - he know you got home okay - that's ALL HE WANTED - you seem to have read into it and assumed he wanted more.

you want him and need him to pay more attention - I want him BF - who is still with me - to open up, share his privacy, become emotionally intimate, pay the bills on time, find a new job, be home more, work in CT instead of commuting two hours to NY so he can stay connected with his old life - the list goes on.

bottom line is - if they are NOT willing to give it - we can't force them - we can't love them enough to make them - we can't do a damn thing to make them change.

if they don't wanna, they won't - period, end of story.

if he is simply not into you, he is just not into you.

I think the more you go looking for his affection and approval, the more firm and perhaps mean he will have to become to make you stay away and leave him alone - and do you really want the pain of him telling you "I don't WANT you, go away, you are making me crazy????" - it is hard - I had it said to me once - and it's no picnic - burst my reality bubble really quickly.

see if you can bump up your appointment or get to a local CODA meeting - cuz in the end - support is what is gonna get you to see that this isn't healthy and you are only hurting yourself.

September 13, 2005
4:27 pm
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taj64
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Why are you blaming yourself for his lack of affection? This is not your fault. He is not caring of your feelings. The more he withdraws, the more you suffer. Do you want to keep suffering? I think him moving away is the best answer, far away too. You cannnot have him. He is not available to you. It is not good to wait on pins and needles for a call from him. Please Desperate, try to get over your fear of losing him, face it, feel it, and in time it will lessen. Trust in the healing process. This is very hard. Cry, and cry and cry if you have to.

September 13, 2005
4:38 pm
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desperate4love
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I do not understand why my MAIN motivation to stay in this relationship is to "get" him to want me. I think about him and his ex-girlfriends CONSTANTLY wondering if he was more loving to them. It's like I have this competition inside my head going on between me and every female he comes in contact with or has ever dated. It is driving me nuts.

My co-worker told me this is not love what I'm doing/feeling. It is an obsession.

September 13, 2005
4:49 pm
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Shaney
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It's out of control, D4L. You know that this contact with him has the potential of destrying you personally, and if it was ever found out by the family the fallout would be horrific. Isn't he your nephew by marriage? Destruction all around, for sure. The risk isn't worth it and you know that, but you keep persuing him to fling some sort of small morsel of attention your way. Then you over-analyze every one of his actions and words, while these feelings of desparation and jealousy swirl around and around in your head. It's obsession - not love - a dangerous obsession with no hope - and it's not worth it. Please stop tormenting yourself and place your energies toward things that will benefit your life, not destroy it. What steps have you taken to stop this cycle?

September 13, 2005
4:59 pm
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taj64
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Only when you get out of this cycle do you really see him for what he is. Now it is not love. You are not loving yourself. He DOES NOT WANT YOU, DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If you get out of the circle you have a chance to start over. It is painful, trust me, very painful. Just feel it, feel the loss, and most of all face it. Just know every time you have any contact with him, that he will hurt you. Think about the hurt or after effects first. Is it worth it? You will get hurt again and again. Every contact brings hope, then disappointment sets in, then big hurt. This is your cycle.It is up to you to end it.

September 13, 2005
5:02 pm
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desperate4love
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Well, he sure wanted me to come visit him this weekend. He "wanted" me then. He told me he loved me too. It's only when "I" start needing from him that he will shut down. He is just not there for me.

I guess he's just using me. It does hurt like [email protected]#$. He is so cute and fun and hot to me. He makes me laugh so much. I wonder why he wants to spend time with me, sleep with me, etc. - but doesnt' really care??

September 13, 2005
5:22 pm
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LovesPurple2760
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Desperate, in reading your posts, you answer the following question in a prior post:

Question: I wonder why he wants to spend time with me, sleep with me, etc. - but doesnt' really care??

Answer: I am constantly telling him how hot he is, how awesome he is, how much I love him and am addicted to him.

Some people keep other people around to build their egos up and make them feel better about them.

September 14, 2005
2:15 pm
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desperate4love
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Hmmmm - good point. He sounds narcissistic. I definitley have gotten the "N" vibe off him before.

I still have not heard from him. I am done. Not going to subject myself to this anymore. I gave him money this weekend to pay a speeding ticket he got while down there. Can't believe I did that. He said I did so much for him and he couldn't repay me. I said "You can call me more, talk to me more". And, still, no call this week.

I have to stop this.

September 14, 2005
2:22 pm
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Shaney
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Look at what you give him . Then look at what he gives you - a headful of empty promises. Unfortunately, it seems that he's using you - which is very sad and very hurtful to you. Only you can stop this - please find a way to move on and remove yourself from this game - you can't win. Good luck.

September 14, 2005
3:08 pm
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kathygy
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I'm glad to hear you say you're not going to subject yourself to this treatment you are getting from this man. Its a good start. I suspect the reasons your are so so obssessed with him have nothing to do with him at all. But rather they come from childhood wounds that he stirs up. You keep saying you don't understand why he dosen't call. The answer is very simple he doesn't care about you, he is not interested in you or your feelings. The more clearly you can see that the easier it will be to break away. You deserve to be valued and loved in a consistent manner. This man is not going to give you that ever.

September 14, 2005
3:34 pm
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taj64
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Just because he is cute, hot, good lover, says he loves you, doesn't mean it will be a good relationship. Cute, hot and all will eventually wear off and you will be left with nothing. He is narcisist because he needs you to fill an ego. One the sponge drys up, he floats to the next person. He is taking but he is not giving back. He said he could not repay you and he meant it. take this as a hard lesson and take the positive out of it. Next time you will look be on the lookout for this type of person and look for other qualities that are healthier for you. Obsessions are not real love, I learned that lesson the hard way.

September 15, 2005
7:01 am
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MissBaker
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HEY DEFINATLY READ --- WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH.... YOU SOUND A LOT LIKE ME AND THIS BOOK WAS MY AWAKENING

September 15, 2005
9:26 am
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desperate4love
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I have read that book. I just "re-read" it recently. It is me to a "t". It's still hard trying to sort out these feelings. Because to "me" they "feel" like love - because that's the only thing close to love I know. I've never known healthy love. Dont' know what it feels like. Maybe never will....=(

So, I torture myself with wondering what I did or didn't do that made him not want me.

September 15, 2005
10:34 am
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LovesPurple2760
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Desperate,
I can relate to it being hard for you to sort out of your feelings. It is a sad realization to come to but some of us grew up in an environment where "normal" really wasn't so "normal" but it affects our every movement in our lives. It's usually not until we are in a crisis or extreme situation that it hits us that, hey, this can't be normal, this doesn't feel right, I'm worth better than this. However, we are so deep in it by then that it takes lots of hard work, self talk, forgiveness and self-love to make ourselves get out and move on.

Keep up your progress. It is so hard but once you get it in your mind that you are going to move on, it is possible. I know for me it is anyway. There have been times I had just as soon died than continue to hurt like I was so I'd call my ex (not just the current one but which ever one I was involved with at the time!) just to get a "fix" to make the hurting stop. Of course, the hurting began right back up once the honeymoon stage ended.

Good luck to you and keep on posting and reading others posts and responses. It helps a lot!

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