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saw a progam on TV, makes me think.
May 25, 2009
2:40 am
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screwdnchopt
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September 24, 2010
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Saw Samuel Jackson on HBO, they where talking bout adolescents, drugs, alcohol, bullying, and fears that go with it. I'm a lil bit older now, experienced alot since then. After seeing it, i started 2 see myself and my drinking, drugs, other things reflectively.

May 25, 2009
2:54 am
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screwdnchopt
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September 24, 2010
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sorry guys, need to vent. Just broke up with my girlfriend, drinking more, working more and isolating myself more from the world. I need need to pick my face up and move on but how? i'm not feeling assertive and vivacious as i used to. I'm done with trying to pick up women at bars and clubs. I'm feeling socially inept. Maybe i'm 2 big for my britches.... or just blind to the world. Holla back.

May 25, 2009
3:28 am
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screwdnchopt
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I hollered back at myself!!! I'm venting again. Or maybe i'm skitzo, i like smoking da happy smoke... i just don't want 2 get caught. My job does hair tests and piss tests, but not randomly thank god. Otherwise nobody will be at work making them money again. I drink Heinekens alot, i like the taste, i like that it makes me wind down after busting ass all day. I don't like the side affects tho. I think (know) my fam hates it. But i'm really good at it. I like oxycotin 2. My dad has medical issues, i got issues, my mom seems fine..... how? She got thicker skin than me? How? I'm a man dammit. I'm not supposed 2 be weak!!!!! holla back or else i'll holla at myself again.

May 25, 2009
3:42 am
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screwdnchopt
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I feel so lonly 2nite. I feel lonely often. Maybe my ex was rite, maybe i have anger issues. I don't feel like i am angry, maybe aggresive. I like structure, i like 2 be in control. I hate weakness!!!!!!!!! I'm weak. I'm gonna holla back at myself again in a minute. I feel better 2 write bout these things. Lonely, but not suppressed so much, go figure. Venting helps. I like this.

May 25, 2009
3:59 am
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screwdnchopt
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Wow, writing 2 myself is good! I feel like weight is lifting! Who am i kidding? i'm just gonna get up 2 get another beer. Its 4am, i need a 2 do something else. When i was in da Army i used 2 be like Forrest Gump, i used 2 run like da wind! Now i feel used up, no more gas in my engine!

I like fishing, riding my bicycle, shooting my guns, working, but lately feeling ugly.

I need 2 sleep now, if u guys are reading this, i need 2 hear from ya.

I'll be back on 2morro.

May 25, 2009
8:33 am
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sunshine88
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hi there, yes, venting helps.

it's ok to feel weak sometimes. tell us more about your experiences in the army. and your breakup.

May 25, 2009
9:41 am
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It No Longer Matters
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September 27, 2010
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Drinking all night and hiding behind weed doesn't really help. It just makes you more depressed. That being said, I enjoy a glass or two of wine and there have been nights when I was lonely and so one glass turned into two and two turned into the whole bottle. If you would like I have been posting Daily Affirmations for Adult Children fo Alcoholics on the Positive/Negative thread. Take a look. Join the rest of us in trying to get some sort of control over our lives.

Bitsy

May 25, 2009
2:05 pm
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screwdnchopt
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Hello sunshine, hello Bitsy. I'm glad i can write stuff down and that there are real people out there that read and sometimes identify with others such as myself.

Sunshine u wanted to know more bout my Army experiences. Well 1st, i'm no hero at all. I never went to war but came close when Bosnia came up back when it was Clinton's Army. Luckily for me i knew the democrats time was up after 8 years in power. I knew that the Republicans were going to be in power, so i got out before a real war broke out.

I sometimes feel like a coward for saying that. But i know that 8 years in the Army was enough for me. I went in as a boy and came out a man with goals and acheivements.

I felt insecure about myself then, i was only 19. I'm 35 now, and starting to just now feel the real pressures of life. I was a kid then, Seargents and other cadre made decisions for me. Now, i try not to be so robotic and systematic.... but that will never leave me. The notion of "go, go, go! never stop or u will die" is still inside me.

Not sure if that is very positive but at the time it felt good to be Rambo. I could run like the wind, i got real good at weapons training, and i finished something i started.

I was also good at drinking, womanizing, fighting, and making trouble for people because i felt invincible. I see the error in my ways now.

I'm not sure if i was depressed back then or just looking for attention, but now it's starting to look like it now.

i work for a really good company, i love job. They have great insurance and i think i might start using it to get therapy for the way i feel now. The feeling of emptyness, lonelyness and depression are starting to set in again.

i'm going to seek help soon, i'm not going to be selfish today, i'm gonna enjoy Memorial Day and reflect on some of my family that served and died in WW1, WW2, Vietnam, Gulf War 1 & 2.

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