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saving my son
January 25, 2004
2:05 pm
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ncm
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I ran across this website by accident, looking for some suggestions on how to get my son to understand that he is co-dependent. He is 18 and has been going out with this girl for 2 years. She is a mess..totally dysfunctional- a cutter and has been hospitalized and is on medication. He just recently got his first job and has decided that he wants to be independent but guess where he wants to live?? His 16 year old girlfriends house with her parents. We have raised him to be caring, responsible, loving person and he feels that he needs to save this girl for some reason and that is why I think he is co-dependent. I just found out that last week they broke up for a day and she went and had sex with another guy from work..and he took her back..co-dependent?? I don't know, I just know that his mental health is not good...I see her trying to drive a wedge between him and us. I think he wants to marry this girl but I see lots of problems down the road for him. We only want happiness and joy for our son and we have raised him to know right from wrong..and that is why he feels guilty about this..how do I make him see that this relationship is not a good one? Any suggestions?

January 25, 2004
2:14 pm
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Zinnie
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This is a hard one. No matter what you do, if you indicate you want him to be apart from her, he will resent you.

He wants to move out, but he wants to move in with her family? How are they with that. Personally, I would not want my 16 year old daughter's boyfriend living in my house. Actually, I would not allow it unless the child had no place else to live, and he would be sleeping in his own room - as my daughters door would be locked. Call me old fashioned.

You say that his mental health is not good. Do you have him in counseling, and is he himself on any kind of medications?

I hate to bring this up - but it is a must that you do so. He will have to be tested now for STD's and HIV/AIDS. He will need to be tested three times for HIV/AIDS as the virus can take that long to show up. My daughter was attacked last year and raped, and the Dr. told us that the HIV/AIDS virus was at an all time high in young couples and teens because they think "it will not happen to me."

Perhaps when you tell him he needs to have these tests - and you take him to the Dr. to have them done, it might shock some sense into his head.

Keep us posted - also, welcome... hopefully you will find help and support here.

Love,

Zinnie

January 25, 2004
2:37 pm
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gingerleigh
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NCM, do you have any contact with the girlfriend's parents? Perhaps the parents presenting a united front can get this young couple to slow it down a few notches. They are young and in love. His behavior doesn't sound so much codependent as it does young and impulsive. It's dangerous, yes, due to disease and possible unwanted pregnancy, etc.

On a side note, I certainly hope your son doesn't marry this girl, not only for his sake, but for her sake. Your judgement of this girl is harsh to say the least. If she is yearning for acceptance and love, she certainly isn't getting any of that from her potential future mother-in-law. Something to think about.

January 25, 2004
2:38 pm
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ncm
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Thanks Zinnie..I hadn't even thought of bringing that up to him. He won't call us, we have to call him. He gave up his vehicle to be with this girl..and apparently her folks, being as dysfunctional as she is are alright with this..because he is paying them money and they apparently need it greatly so I don't see them letting him go. But they are playing him and using him too. His sister calls him everyday..I have called and so has his Dad and brothers. We just keep whispering in his ear how much we love him and how we want him to make healthy choices. He has given up college, friends...etc to be with her and my heart is broken that it has come to this. We did tell him that to be independent he needs to have his own place..with his own food in the fridge..he hears us, but I really think he is so obsessed with her that reality is gone for him. Thanks again for letting me vent..tired of crying.

January 25, 2004
2:45 pm
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ncm
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I understand gingerleigh.. I have tried my best to like this girl and it was okay until last week when I found out what she did to him. I can't give her what she needs..she has to get that from her parents...Although..we have done alot for this child in the last two years..included her in many things with our family, bought her school clothes because her grandparents(yeah..her grandparents-she was raised by grandmother and two or three husbands) wouldn't. We have helped her financially, physically, mentally we have tried to support our son's decision to help her get help for her problems..But for her to do that to him hurts my heart. My main concern is him and helping him to see that this would be a rocky, rocky road. I don't say anything bad against her around him..but he knows that I and his father are not very proud of him for this decision. I have been told by everyone to let him ride it out..but in the meantime..what if's are killin' me.

January 25, 2004
2:47 pm
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ncm
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Yes lisset he is.
But we are still talking to him and trying to get him to see that this choice is a bad one. His sister told him that he couldn't save her or her family. We feel as though he has spit on us and turned his back on his family..whoohoo..here come the tears again..

January 25, 2004
2:59 pm
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Anocas
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Hello, ncm!!

Your problem seems a big problem. Sometimes it's difficult understand what make people do something. We are not in the head of other people, neither in the people we know since ever.
Probably your son is more confuse than you: he just has 18 years old, the age of so many changes. This girl probably is revolted with something that happened in her life. And your son think he is the one who can help her. In that way he feels important, he feels can make something for help someone. I don't think this is co-dependence.
I just can tell you for not criticize his acts without know his reasons. Try allawys understand his side, his pont of view. Try allays know who are his friends and understand his feelings.

Love, Anocas

January 25, 2004
3:02 pm
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ncm
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Thank you lisset..it is good to vent because I thought and still do think that I am losing my mind (along with my son)...I know that God will take care of it..Thanks to all of you for you words of wisdom..

January 25, 2004
3:13 pm
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Zinnie
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Will ponder this situation and write more later... off to work! Oh, how I love tax time.

NCM this is really a toughie.

Z.

January 26, 2004
2:20 am
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Zinnie
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Hi NCM,

I don't know if he will listen, but this COULD happen.

If he angers the parents of this girl, what is to prevent them from turning him in? Turning him in to the police for being with a 16 year old girl. He could very feasibly end up in jail.

Z.

January 26, 2004
8:19 am
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ncm
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Zinnie..we have already told him this and of course as any teenagers reply is "it won't happen to me" but the thing is..about a year ago, Grandma already threatened to do just that. I am so tired of thinking about these things...I guess I really do have to let go and let God...

January 26, 2004
11:16 am
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Zinnie
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Hi NCM,

Oh my the Grandmother is already threatening this? And he is not learning? I can certainly understand why you are so upset.

But, like you said at this point you do have to "let go and let God" - there is nothing else to do, legally he is an adult - and responsible for his own choices, even if they are bad. I guess you could push him to be totally on his own, such as make him liable for his own car insurance, health insurance, etc. Withdraw your support. But, again - that might blow up in your face too. I think no matter what he is going to see it as you are interfering with his life; he does not realize that it is for the best.

I just hate to hear of someone who is so young getting "suckered in" - for lack of a better word - to this mess.

Well, you have support here if you need to vent.

Love,

Zinnie

January 26, 2004
1:21 pm
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ncm
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Thanks..the hardest part of the day is late at night when I go to bed..that is when it all goes round and round..I vascillate..sad beyond words to angry as a bull...thanks again...

January 26, 2004
1:35 pm
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acj
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ncm--
I can relate. Maybe thinking about the Serenity Prayer will help you. I know it must be frustrating. I have a 10 yr old daughter and I'm trying to imagine her being in that type of situation... I'd be just as upset and helpless feeling as you are. Best of luck....

acj

February 23, 2004
11:46 pm
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nutmeg
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I don't know what happened to your son...but mine was molested at 5 years old by an 11 year old boy...

I myself was a violated (that's the word that feels best for me) at the age of 39 months, and it was my deepest desire if I ever had a child to protect him or her. I felt like such a failure when it happened!!!!! In fact, I was screaming, "I feel like vomiting; I can't breathe!!" etc. I think I finally relived my own trauma in that moment, but I really don't know how to move on from here!

I don't want to see one more child hurt on this earth plane. Can someone stop it....or help to me to.

Meg

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