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Saturday morning belly aching
May 7, 2005
10:06 am
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Foggy1
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I don't allow myself to have friends. I think I've always been this way, except maybe in my 20's, I had lots of friends but that revolved around partying. Don't need that crap anymore.

When I'm in a relationship I give everything to that, It seems to be all I need but I know that's not healthy now. So here I sit after losing another relationship, lonely and afraid to get out there. I have many acquantances but that's it. I spend my days working and watching after the house. My weekends are spent doing wash, watching tv, shopping and if I'm really adventurous taking the dog for a walk. I don't know what I'll do when both my kids move out.

I have this wall up like theres only so close one can get to me. Many people have tried but failed to scale the wall. What an awful realization. I don't really have any true friends.

I'm the oldest child so when my father left and my mother fell apart it was me. I was the one to do the worrying about food, school and shelter. I didn't have time back then for friends. I was full of guilt and failure, I don't know why I took that all on!

Once I got older I realized
there were substances that relieved that loneliness and fear. And my desire to escape in that fashion has been going on for about 30 years. It really never leaves, always back there. That feeling like I know how to solve my loneliness and meet people.

So I'm fairly sober, relationship-less and friendless. Nice mess I've got myself into.

If only I wasn't so anxious all the time I might have better luck. You don't have to reply but it sure felt good to get that out.

Foggy

May 7, 2005
10:19 am
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Wanttobewell
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Hi Foggy1.

I find myself in a similar situation except my kids are older. I always gave everything to my husbands, boyfriends, whatever also. That left me without much of an identity. There sure are a lot of folks who say the same things.

Way past time to do what makes us happy but first need to figure that out. It isn't easy. We can do it, though. I'm on my way to work.

Hey,,, if you like to read,, try going to the library. That really helps me. I usually will get something funny to go along with whatever else I choose, and it helps. Just a thought.

Work time for me, W.

May 7, 2005
10:26 am
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Foggy1
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Thank you Wantto,

The library, that's a good idea. We do have a good one in town. But will I chicken out and not go?

Trying to figure out what makes me happy too.
Have a good day at work.

May 7, 2005
10:48 am
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Desert Moon
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Hi Foggy

My heart goes out to you because I feel the same way.

I try to count my blessings and know my kids love me (they are going to church with me as my mother's day gift - my request) and am slowly making friends again.

But I don't feel the desire to date, and I have been divorced for nearly a year to the day, this after a year and a half of separation.

I think about all the guys out there my age (45) and don't think there are a lot out there whose baggage I could handle, nor they mine. I feel i would give permission to let anyone walk all over me at this point, anyway, so why complicate my life any more than it is with another bad relationship?

So what's worse, lonliness or being less loney in a bad realtionship?

May 7, 2005
10:49 am
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Anonymous
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Morning Foggy,

You have friends here 🙂 I think you had alot put on your plate early on, and you have a ton of responsibility working, raising the children, keeping a home..That's sometimes an overwhelming task!I'm not quite sure what is going on with the anxiety? Do you mean you are afraid to take some steps to meet new people? Just trying to understand here. Can you put your finger on why exactly? P.S. Thank you for the steak! Delicious!!!

Hugs,

Sunny

May 7, 2005
11:17 am
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Foggy1
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Hi Desert Moon,

Yes I know you feel the same. I do follow your threads and appeciate your reply. We are about the same ageand same predicament.

I came upon this realization last night while looking through my closet. I found my old divorce papers and bankruptcy stuff and went through my old love letters and cards. Kind of stupid of me, But I realized I had no one to turn to when I needed to. My sister is there, but I could use an impartial ear.

I don't desire to date either. I get this feeling it's me with all the baggage and most women would not want it. I see most women as stronger and I most likely would gravitate towards someone with baggage- that's great isn't it?.

SunnyGirl,

I have always felt the responsible one. So much as to be uncomfortable to be happy and have fun. It's awful.
Yes, I am afraid to take steps to meet people. I do know lots of people but don't get close enough to take it a step further. Fear I think.

My therapist said all my problems are anxiety related. I get panic attacks on occassion and get physically sick if I allow stress to get the better of me. Always protecting myself and not living.

I'm glad you liked the steak and thanks for the kindness.
Foggy

May 7, 2005
11:25 am
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Anonymous
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Foggy,

I would really like to discuss the fear and anxiety with you sometime as I have the same problem. Mine was very incapacitating but I have been there and pretty much conquered it, except this past week...If you are willing, I would very much like to talk with you about this. Gotta go for now, let me know, who knows maybe we can help each other? Hang in there!

Best,

Sunny

May 7, 2005
11:30 am
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Foggy1
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Thanks Sunny,

I'll look forward to it.

Foggy

May 7, 2005
11:36 am
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sdesigns
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Hey Foggy. I'm a lone soul too. In the last year I have let go some long time friends for various reasons and even dumped another one yesterday. I don't know if I'm just getting too crotchity and need to stop it, or am finally getting good at setting boundaries and finally find myself sitting at home alone w/ my boundaries all in order.

I don't seem to be interested in anything that would take me out there to meet new people either. I keep hoping I'll shake out of this but for right now my work keeps me occupied and that is all I have.

Looking forward to the future, whatever that is. Anyhow, you're not alone in this. When is the next BBQ? SD

May 7, 2005
12:53 pm
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Foggy1
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Hi SD,

I think my boundaries are pre-set.
Maybe I'm not letting people close to avoid all the negative things that can happen in any relationship. I know it's not healthy but could be thats what I do.

See I know most of my problems, I just don't know how to move forward as of yet or find safety in my behavior.

I do well at my work. I'm good at what I do, yet it would be so nice to share my life with someone, even a friend but that's my own doing. I have teenagers at home but they have their own lives for the most part.

I'm trying to look forward to the future, like you so nicely do. Just feeling a bit damaged and lonely lately.

I'll keep you informed about the next BBQ,
Would you like brats or hamburgers? Foggy

May 7, 2005
1:25 pm
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Desert Moon
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Well, what is really nice about this site is that we can be open without risking our personal space, since this is all done anonomously. Just being able to talk in a forum like this is healing, and the advice and unbiased support can help us in the real world, so that when we are ready, we can approach new friendships with the tools we need to make them healthier.

I just think its important to remember not to worry about what the other person thinks so much as how you choose to react to that person; that if the other person is unhealthy in some way its up to you to decide whether you can accept those flaws, or if the person is too toxic to be around would you be better off without their vibes influencing you in a negative way and making you doubt yourself continuously.

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