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santino.. I'm back
October 11, 2006
9:16 pm
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needtoheal
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October 11, 2006
9:19 pm
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needtoheal
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hi again... i have to calm down... i had been so busy with the kids.. before that phone call.. i did not get upset because i do not like them to see me upset.//

interestingly enough i know that the kids don't like him because whenever we would be together with them there would always be a problem..

October 11, 2006
9:22 pm
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santino
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lol, kids know everything dont they? How are you hanging in there?

October 11, 2006
9:24 pm
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needtoheal
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i am so glad that i found this site// because when i did and read some of what others are going through it reminded me of what i went through with my ex husband and now with the boyfriend....
and thank you for being there for me.. i just do not understand how someone could purposely hurt someone that they always used to say that they love... i helped him in so many ways.. he was a drug addict and abused pot for ten years// and he stopped when he met me because i could not be around that environment///

October 11, 2006
9:28 pm
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santino
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Wow, you sound like me. I remember the night I found this site, I was so hurt, I was online searching for help cause it was the day all this started some months back. I don't know where I'd be without all of your help, it is truelly what got me through all this. And I'd be glad to help you, paying it forward right? I know how you fel in regards to being used. I feel the same way. What we have to realize according to my counselor is that we were in toxic relationship, where 1 person reeps all the goodies and the other person is the giver. Never works. We have 2 be strong.

October 11, 2006
9:41 pm
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needtoheal
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yeah... that is true.. i knew from the beginning that it would not work but i kept continuing because i felt so alone after being separated from my ex husband... he is abusive but is passive aggressive... like not wanting the marriage and yet did not want to work on things ... even when i went to my uncles funeral (all this death stuff) i had called my ex who had the kids and he (who already had a girlfriend) asked me who did i go with ... my parents,, my brother,, did i take the car>> because it was in another state... why would he care??/
and as far as my boyfriend i don't understand what to do... i have been feeling him slip away and yet i don;t want a relationship and yet i still was upset that night... i should have not expected different results .. he always kicked me when i was down... last november i had two herniated discs in my back.. i got back from the hospital and asked him to get me some ice and put lotion on my back and he said no,, go the ^%$% to sleep already... kicks me when i am down... all the time and blames me for everything just like my ex husband

October 11, 2006
9:45 pm
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needtoheal
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santino... what is your suggestion on how i can end this relationship that i had for four years.. four years too many...
he even said that too much has happened and i heard him say that he screwed up... when he was saying that i was a pain.. i said now you are verbally abusing me...
he then said that he is a pain to me too...

October 11, 2006
9:51 pm
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santino
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My advise would be to start your no-contact. Don't call him do't see him. Believe me it's going to be hard as heck. I broke no- contact a few times and it hurt everytime. I speak from experience. As the days go by I get a little better, but it definetly takes time. I like to focus on my kids when Im hurting, they make me so happy, Im sure yours do too right?! šŸ™‚

October 11, 2006
9:53 pm
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needtoheal
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what i think i will have a problem with is that no contact... he would call me every morning, while in between jobs at work, when he got home and before he went to bed...

my therapist said that when i end it she predicts that he will pursue me again.. once he feels that i am serious...

i am not sure if this bothers him at all... my friend used to tell me when i would cry about him that he was already home sleeping and not even thinking about it when we would get into a disagreement..

when i think about it, he really did not offer physical or emotional support... only thing that he helped me with at my house was to help my dad put the bunk beds together for the kids... he never helped me when he was here..
one night i wanted him to go and i turned off the playstation game without saving it... and he had a fit// he pushed me out of the way and called me a very nasty name so i slapped him on the face (lightly)... thank god the kids were always with their father when this happened...

then when i saw him at the bar that night i told you about and he was drunk he said more nasty things so that i would leave... he even promised that he would go to my house when he was done helping his friends... but i wanted to be in public... think about that... wanting to be in public...

sorry i keep rambling on and on

October 11, 2006
9:57 pm
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santino
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Dont be sorry, these are your feelings coming out, I want to hear them. Maybe he wont call in the next couple of days but when it all sets in he may call. Could be a week. When my ex and I broke up it took 1 week before I broke no contact. I told her I missed her and she acted as if she didn't care. Dont be ashamed to ramble, Im here for you like so many were for me.

October 11, 2006
9:58 pm
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needtoheal
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yeah... my kids are everything.. i remembered reading about you saying that you had no contact and broke it then you questioned her and it hurt.. when i read that it inspired me because i knew that i would have to do it too...
and that is what happens when i do that ... i will not talk to him and then when i do ,.. i fall apart... same thing when he showed up when i was bowling.. he promised that we would get something to eat after then he ate at the bowling alley and but he really wanted to go to the bar that this so-called friends dj at.. they did not care about him that night... the guy was driving his drunk wife and told my boyfriend to be careful..
seems like he is switching to alcohol for his crutch like he used to do with pot..
i offered him a ride home and he said that he would come to my house but if i followed him that he was going home instead... i know that he was drunk... and i did not want him at my house at all because he would have passed out in my bed and i had to go to work the next day

October 11, 2006
10:05 pm
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needtoheal
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he will probably call tomorrow or the next day... a few weeks ago he got me mad ... after he was drunk at the bar and called me on a monday.. i will never forget it because i knew that if i said how i felt he would have either hung up on me or said that i cant ever let anything go.. then i told him that i just need him to leave me alone... so he did until thursday.. he text messaged me that my son's bearded dragon eggs that are at his house (where he lives with his mommmy and dad) hatched .. then how are you he asked/// i did not want to respond but i did... then i had the phone turned off that night that he left the message about wanting to do something with me and then i called him back...
my therapist asked me why did i call him back when he was not answering .. he did not want to talk to me,.. and i said that i was upset and that i just wanted to know what time would he be done...

when i talked to him about this he says that he had plans with these friends and that what was he supposed to do not anything with them that night just because i was upset..... i think he just made up an excuse that they did not need his help moving the dj equipment and then he he was not going to the bar because he was helping with the groceries.. just so that i would not go there

October 11, 2006
10:10 pm
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santino
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Im glad my story inspired you. Its not hearing it. It was like a dagger riping my heart open. But when that settles and you start to think about the drama you no longer have to deal with it does get a little beter, for a while at least. Itl get better for you 2.

October 11, 2006
10:12 pm
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needtoheal
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but things happpen because of those choices.. i was upset with myself for confronting him at the bar but i knew that he would be there... he said that he wanted to take me to the movies and that the friend who he gave a ride there convinced him to have drinks and he was mad at me anyway because i called him......

October 11, 2006
10:13 pm
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santino
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How old is this guy? It sounds like hes taking advantage at your willingness to deal with his bullshit. I know this cause when I was married I use to pull the same crap with my wife. Some guys will do as much as you allow them to, girls to.

October 11, 2006
10:16 pm
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santino
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It sounds like drinking and hanging out with his friends is the most important thing in his life right now, you don't need that. I know it hurts but we r the lucky ones.

October 11, 2006
10:17 pm
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needtoheal
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he is 36 years old.. never had a girlfriend ,,, calls his mother a C__T to her face// he was a drug addict for 10 years and had a million jobs.. could not hold a job... he still lives with his parents// she still makes his bed and lunch.. one day he told her he was tired of having cold cuts so he had been throwing her sandwhiches away for two weeks

and you are right about the drama.. my girlfriend used to call him the drama king

October 11, 2006
10:22 pm
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needtoheal
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that is why i think he is switching.. i dont know much about addictions but a former friend of mine is an alcoholic and said to me that he never did anything for recovery at all and that he would switch to something else.. people used to say that i was his fill-in for his pot addiction... and now it seems that its alcohol... there was not a girl with him that night.. when i went to the bar... maybe they were going to set him up with someone or maybe he never even went to see the friend at the grocery store.. i dont know... all i know is that he was mad when i asked him what he was doing ,.. and even now when i talked to him before he said that his boat already sank that night... he did say that his plans got screwed up.///

October 11, 2006
10:23 pm
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santino
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Ow my God needtoheal! R u serious?! Consider yourself lucky! My ex is 10 years younger then me and my friend who was against the relationship use to tell me, think about your kids, what kind of mom is she going to be if shes a kid herself. What kind of dad would this guy be 2 your kids. Remember when you bring someone into your life you bring them into theirs as well. They dont want their mommy to be treated like his mom.

October 11, 2006
10:26 pm
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needtoheal
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god... i still cant believe that i have finally come to the reality of what it has been like with him...
guess what he told me today?? he hates the guy he works with who has a bad back lately.. he said that he would pay some people to beat him up bad so that he would be out of work for a while.... that is not normal and said that these people like to beat up for money

October 11, 2006
10:29 pm
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santino
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This guy is definetly toxic. Stay away ! He sounds like a head case. I hope he doesn't do anything to you and your kids, do you think he would?

October 11, 2006
10:31 pm
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needtoheal
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i know and i feel so guilty about that too.. the kids were not close with him at all.. for a while they were but he would never hang out here when they were here.. sometimes we did things together like go to the boardwalk, etc..
in fact my son said that when after this funeral my father came over to help us put up hooks on the wall for them to hang their backpacks and they said that was nice of pop .. and said that it was not like my bf would help... "HE LEFT THE BUILDING"// that is what he said.. and i realized then that they realize that i was leaving him

October 11, 2006
10:35 pm
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needtoheal
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no but everyone says that he is not normal/// even physically he was not normal for a guy and i dont know why i put up with that.,,. maybe it was control...

he was adopted at the age of 2.. he got teased tremendously in school for a learning disability and for having 12 toes...
so i think that he likes to put people down because he was picked on

no i am not afraid of him...

but i kept him from a distance especially because of my ex husband .. did not need him to know what would go on.. the drama

October 11, 2006
10:35 pm
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santino
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Where are you from? I only ask cause you said boardwalk, Im woundering where?

October 11, 2006
10:37 pm
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santino
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You must be a good person to date someone with 12 toes šŸ™‚ J/K

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