Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
same guy...just different package
April 2, 2007
12:48 pm
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

As do I. I have dated guy after guy in my life that was "a little bit better than the last." I even married two of them. It has been a very long journey for me to realize that I truly do deserve better than what I am getting. It is easy to say, but so very hard to feel.

I will send you some positive thoughts to help with that in any way possible.

April 2, 2007
1:13 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I keep coming back to the same thought that lolli had.

How can I think I can change? Beat my addiction?

How can I believe that "next time" will be different when I keep making the same mistakes?

I can't even say I trust my radar anymore.

April 2, 2007
1:29 pm
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just read an article in yesterday's paper about Hallie Berry. And she said the exact same thing. she has had some major difficulties with codependency and dating the same guy just different package thing. She married a wife beater, then married a sex addict, and dated countless others who had issues.

She finally changed her attitude about what she wanted. She said for years she would say things like, "I don't want to be with someone who beats me." and "I don't want someone who takes me for granted." She realized that she spent so much time looking for specific negative things that she was missing out on what she wanted. She now says, "I want a guy that cherishes everything about me." and "I want someone I can trust." It is kinda like a mindgame, but just reading it off the page, it seemed like her expectations of the guys she was with were so much higher.

It is just a thought. It was good to see that even famous people struggle with the same stuff that we do. I don't know if this was any help for you, but at least you know that I, too struggle with changing my addictions, or preventing my mistakes from coming patterns.

Hang in there.

((((Rising)))))

April 2, 2007
1:32 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah, I can see myself saying those things....in fact, this guy was drama free, so I figured I had hit pay dirt this time.

too bad all the other similarities were there.

April 2, 2007
1:38 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well, you can't change overnight.

You've come a long way in just the past couple of years, and you're at a WAY better place now, than you were before. E had a lot of issues, no doubt. But 26 was a little better, I thought.

All you can do is make improvements in yourself, build your confidence, set obtainable goals, make new friends, go out on a limb to learn new things - just grow, basically. And with all of that, learn to be very realistic.

Don't let the two wonderful characteristics that a man may have, overshadow the pile of issues that are staring you in the face from the beginning.

Don't look at him as something you can "work with" if given the opportunity.

We KNOW that these men don't change the core of who they are... not for us... not for anyone.

Learn to recognize and accept what is already there from the beginning - and if you can't accept them for who they are when you meet them... be strong enough to admit that you may have made a new friend, but train yourself to move on - because there WILL be others. There are ALWAYS others.

Sometimes we can spot a cheater or a liar from the beginning, but sometimes we just can't. We can't see that stuff coming for the most part - it's always a chance that we have to take so don't feel like a fool at all. We all know the signs, but it's not realistic to think that we could ever predict that sort of behaviour. It's happened to all of us. It's shitty, but it is what it is.

April 2, 2007
1:43 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rising,

It's frightening isn't it?

I no longer trust myself either.

I've known for a long time now that, in many ways, he isn't different, but I felt exactly the way you described when I first met Snow....that I had hit pay dirt.

He seemed so different from my ex. Just like Hopeful....my ex had long hair, rode a motorcycle, jeans, leather jacket, etc. Snow on the other hand is VERY clean cut, swishies and sneakers kind of a guy. The ex hated sports....Snow loves sports. The ex drove a beat up old pick up truck.....Snow drove a brand new, impecably clean Mustang. The ex was collecting workmans comp.....Snow had a great (and cool) job and made a lot of money. The ex lived with his mother.....Snow had his own place. The ex had been married with 2 kids......Snow had not with no kids (or so I was led to believe). The ex and I never got dressed up to go to nice places......Snow always took me to the best places. The ex had an attitude and was rude to people.....Snow was fun and outgoing and charming.

I could go on and on and on but I think you get the point. On the outside they couldn't have been more different. On the inside, they are very much alike.

I too am scared that I am going to end up with another one.

April 2, 2007
3:24 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

now I find out that his "girlfriend" came here looking for him on Friday.

the guys at the counter couldn't understand it, but when questioned, he said she was an ex.

so, everyone here knew it...they all discussed it, but figured they wouldn't get involved...figured it was a miscommunication.

now they know the real story. and think he's an ass.

so much for keeping the drama out of the workplace.

April 2, 2007
4:03 pm
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gotta love when you feel like you were the last to know. Been there before--in the same situation.

All my friends knew that my husband was sleeping with his high school sweetheart. They all got together and talked about it even.

Oh, Rising. At least you are finding out now instead of lots later. Still hurts bad I know, but in the long run, you are going to learn so much from this and you will have the time to work on yourself for a while.

(((Rising)))

April 3, 2007
8:45 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I broke down and told my boss what was going on...as a courtesy...and to let him know that I intend to keep my focus on work and not let this get in the way.

He got all upset and started saying something about doing something about it....I told him that I didn't want him to get involved in this...if he had just cause to let him go, fine...but not cuz of this.

Anyway, boss tells me that they already identified issues with him...and that he's on shaky ground even before this.

Seems he brought a bunch of negativity with him...and he's rubbing the wrong people the wrong way.

I WARNED him...and all the things I warned him about where the things my boss told me were a problem.

So, I may not have to face him much longer at this rate.

It just sucks...as I said to lolli on her thread....fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....there can't be a third time.

I WANT A THIRD TIME.

BUT.......it would be professional suicide...and my career means alot to me...and I can't risk that. I need to keep the respect I gained and not lose my credibility. By letting my boss know what's going on, I sealed it....I can't go back.

And that hurts.

April 4, 2007
8:42 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I had an EPIPHANY this morning.

still trying to wrap my head around WHY...how could I NOT see this coming?

And it dawned on me...26 said he was tired of having two moms.

OMG...NO WONDER I didn't see it.

He views me as a mom figure. And my best friend is like a dad figure to him.

So, he is on his best behaviour with us...hiding who he really is.

To everyone else, he is an unhappy little boy who is reckless and lacks direction in his life...everyone else could see it...but I couldn't.

And the reason was, he was on his best behaviour and anytime he did something stupid, he hid it from me....much like he does his mom. He doesn't want his mom to come down on him when he does wrong and he didn't want me either.

He recoiled like a hurt little boy anytime I told him that he did something wrong. And it wasn't alot...only at the end when he kept going MIA...and left my daughter unattended so he could go run the roads with his new chick (which makes me even MORE livid now).

But yeah, he viewed me as a mom figure...and maybe that's why we had issues in the bedroom too...that's what got me started thinking about this...how intimacy issues usually stem from mother issues.

Anyway, I see it pretty well now.

The anger is subsiding...tho I anticipate a day where he's going to pull me aside at work to talk to me...and when he does...look out, my anger may be unleashed...cuz he fucked with my daughter and he fucked with my career....which are the two worst things he could have done.

April 4, 2007
9:29 am
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am so glad that you made a breakthrough in your thought process with this. It seems that you are taking the rose colored glasses off.

Yeah for you!!!!!

That sucks that he did that. I get so sad when people can't be themselves. I am always telling my kids at school to figure out who they are and be it.

Of course, young people don't know who they are and what they want most of the time. And with guys, I find guys at my age who still don't have a clue and are still looking for a mamma to take care of them.

Thinking of you, and sending positive thoughts your way.

(((((Rising)))))

April 4, 2007
9:38 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am so proud of my daughter.

When I went in for her last parent teacher conference, her social studies teacher said that she is a breath of fresh air cuz she is not afraid to be who she is, not apologetic for it, not arrogant...she just IS.

It makes me proud that I raised a good kid like that and I know she will be a successful adult.

It's true, it sucks when people feel they cannot be themselves.

But what I have to figure out is what ****I**** do that creates an atmosphere that makes them feel that way and what I do to attract the guys who feel they need a momma.

In fact, I am just realizing that my last two relationships before this probably were similar situations.

So, in order to have a healthy relationship next time, I gotta figure out what I am doing that attracts them...and what I am doing to make them feel like I am a momma figure.

Cuz I am tired of that.

Someone called it fixer upper men...and perhaps that's part of it.

In any case...it is a breakthrough of sorts.

I also know that I pride myself on being who I am...and not ashamed of it at all...who I am online is eXACTLY the person I am in real life....which I found that in internet dating, is not usually the case. I just never expected to be blindsided by someone that I met in person and not online like my last two.

But I am learning.

April 4, 2007
10:48 am
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We are all learning, and that is what is so awesome.

I have learned several things over the last few months, and you have actually made very solid and good points to me. (Thanks for that by the way)

I also have tendencies to be more like a mamma than a girlfriend. I have noticed that in both of my marriages. My first husband didn't even buy his own deodorant and still lived at home when I married him. Boy, oh boy, what a project that was. And it ended absolutely horribly.

My second marriage has been more of a "take care of everything" sort of relationship, which is what most moms do.

It is hard to change that. I am slowly learning that I can't be responsible for him and all of his mistakes and issues. And I can't change the fact that he still needs someone to take care of him.

Maybe try setting a few boundaries for yourself. Wish I had better answers for you, but I have faith in the fact that you are going to find them and then watch out world!!!!

April 4, 2007
11:31 am
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Little boys and fixer uppers!!! Boy sure is not leaving us a whole lot left to pick from!!!! lol lol

I have come to the conclusion that by the time you get that package fully unwrapped and learn what's really in it, your already emotionally invested.

My husband was an emotionally distant control freak but his behavior slowly increased over the course of our marriage and we were years into it with 2 children before he fully unloaded with his behavior.

Then I meet a great guy whose past told me many things that I just didn't want to listen to. He had intimacy issues and commitment fears. But my codie keep tied to him for far too long.

Then there were a couple of stalkers, I laugh to this day because everyone in town thought he was such a great guy and couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me that I didn’t want to get involved with him. In one day he called my house 28 times!!! Then he must have road by my house at least 7 times. He was freaking me out but he had the world fooled with his Mr. Great Guy routine.

I had gotten married at 24 years old, I was married for 12 years, what did I know about life or people at that age. In my 30’s I was beginning to understand the dynamics of life and what made people tick. I was hyper sensitive to anyone who exhibited any kind of controlling behavior. But other behavior I was not school in, I had never experienced those other things. My next relationship, he was nothing at all like my ex but when I look back now, after fully opening the package, he had many traits of being emotionally distant but showed it in ways my ex did not. He wasn’t controlling so those behaviors didn’t jump out at me until I was too emotionally involved. After that, what did I learn but more about the dynamics of life and other things that make people tick. So, I put getting involved with anyone on hold, focused on me and my kids and out of no where I met a great guy, yes, a fixer upper!!!! Lol but at least he’s fixable……. I am learning new dynamics of life and other things that make people (guys) tick. He also has little melt downs you would call temper tantrums like a little boy but they don’t last long and he’s now more away of his behavior which embarrasses him and I can’t even remember the last time he had one.

I think we reach a certain age and realize everyone over the age of 18 has baggage of some kind. Some have a heavy load others travel light. It’s figuring out in ourselves to notice things sooner, to listen to that little voice and feel that instinct in out cut and act on those things instead of our emotions. As codies we fix, repair and nurture, we take care of things, we like doing things for others and the men in our lives especially. I think realizing where that line is of playing mother as appose to the lover in all those things we like to do for them.

I am glad to hear about your daughter, she has a great mom and a terrific example in her life. You should feel proud of yourself very proud.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 4, 2007
12:15 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I understand that everyone my age has baggage...I do, so I can't expect anyone else not to.

But what I find is that I cut them too much slack...I'm too much of a pushover.

26...I love him and want him back.

BUT - I know it would be suicide on so many levels...and because he left my daughter unsupervised, without an emergency contact, so he could run off with the other chick...and because his chick came into my work place...and because he has the capacity to lie to me, looking me straight in the eye.

I can't.

That's too much for me to deal with.

I don't mind a fixer upper that needs cosmetic repair...but not one that needs a whole new structure from the foundation up....if that makes any sense.

April 4, 2007
1:55 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes it makes alot of sense and I can't blame you. Who has time in there life for a completed tear down and re-build!!!
But like you said, you wouldn't mind a little fixer upper. 26 seems a little more then a little fixer upper. It seems he needs to grow up first before he then can be worked on.

The fact she came into your work already tells me she's insecure and needing to prove herself or her situation. And the part about him lying to your face, that's exactely what he'll be doing to her as well.
And what he did by leaving your daughter alone is just stupid and selfish. Shows a part of his character that is in need of a whole lot of work.

As far as cutting new people in your life too much slack or being a push over, next time you'll hesitate and that hesitation will make you stop and think before proceeding. It will be a little reminder to be a little more cautious with your offerings. I think with each relationship we learn a little more, sometimes we never fully learn the lesson just little parts of it. But we do take something away, something we tuck away in our minds and hearts for the next experience.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 4, 2007
2:05 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

she didn't come into my work to prove anything.

see, at the point she came in, she did not KNOW about me.

and I don't think she even knows I work with him.

it was a fluke on her part...she was just trying to visit him at work...not knowing what she was walking into.

and since my coworkers didn't either, they were all stunned when she said she was the girlfriend...but didn't want to get involved.

so, no, she had nothing to prove.

she said she was done with him...but I have been around this block BEFORE...a couple of times...and I know that she is not the kind of person that is going to walk away.

The only thing is that he might let her go simply cuz she "ruined it for him" by calling me and telling me everything...and tho the blame is NOT hers...he may resent her for doing it.

If they stay together...god bless her...if she is stupid enough to trust him after this, it's her problem...and will be a problem...and he's just running from one problem to another.

and none of it is MY problem anymore.

April 7, 2007
4:16 pm
Avatar
atalose
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 18
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm sorry I thought that her coming to your work was one of the ways you found out.

As you said none of it is your problem anymore, true, but couriosity does get us at times doesn't it. If you are still freidly with his mom you might hear things and if he's talks to anyone at work you might hear things as well. It's hard not wanting to know what they are up to.

I hope you and your daugher have a nice weekend....

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 7, 2007
5:13 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Just a thought....it is true that you have take that man/woman as is and not expect to remake them into your ideal mate.

But the innate hopes and dreams of love making all things possible sort of counters that thought. I'd hate to think that we had no faith in change and growth for both of us.

I remember what my girlfriend's older sister said (rather haughtily, maybe omnipotently?) about my husband (to-be) after the first time she met him. She said that I always did have yearnings for the UNusual, so she wasn't surprised I'd choose a man as UNconventional as he was. I knew it was an insult....but she REALLY was right! Maybe having those kinds of people around us to say things we might not want to hear or see about the new bf is at least good for pointing out truths.

I dated alot of really really nice (boring) guys. I dated a few wolves, morons, egtists, bad boys, clowns....but I chose my H for the happiness we both felt every time we saw each other. Oooo, maybe one has to question WHY and WHAT makes you happy?

I know some really irritating couples who are totally enamored of each other......if you're happy in your bubble, what difference does it make?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714200
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer