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same guy...just different package
March 31, 2007
8:39 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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funny similarities....

both were younger
both were from new york
both had trouble in high school they aren't proud of
both had their fathers die when they were young
both felt an unnatural personal responsibility to their moms driven by fear and guilt
both moved fast
both talked of having kids
both shopped for rings
both cheated within two weeks of talking about rings
both "other women" called me to confront me
both claimed they wanted to commit, but got scared once shopping for rings

Yep, 26 has been cheating on me.

Started two weeks ago. My radar DID go off, but I suspected he was just needing space to deal with his financial issues. Something wasn't right.

And like all affairs - the truth came out.

At first he denied it...then did some crazy making and turned the tables, which caused me to feel sorry and not want to lose him....so I negotiated, talked, pleaded, etc.

Only to later get the rest of the details which sealed his fate...the woman gave me details of when they were together, which matched up with the times he wasn't home. Add in the perfume I smelled on him twice...both he said were from his mom and his niece...and it all makes sense. After I got off the phone and confronted him, he denied it...and when I told him what it would take for me to trust him again, he decided to walk out instead of doing what I asked (which was to meet this chick and resolve the miscommunication/misunderstanding)....he said he didn't want to drag his friend into it (the chick's friend who introduced them) and said that he didn't want ot hurt his friend....then he went on to say I was being his second mother....he got angry and tried to leave in a huff....which triggered him....I made him come back in and then played psychologist, trying to get to him....tried finding out what the real problem was....he was crying...said he was torn inside cuz he wants to go on the road, wants to spend time with his mom cuz he feels she is dying or something....stupid stuff....I got caught up in it...and tried persuading him to stay...work things out.

After he left, the woman called me back and gave me details...and I realized then that he was still lying. I went to his house and he wasn't there, tho his truck was and his stuff was on the porch next to the door, and house was locked (unusual). I left him a note, told him that he didn't have to make any decision, I know the truth and whether he admits it or not, he knows it too. And that it's over...no third chances. I think work will be ok...cuz I don't see him all day.

I am angry. I am hurt. I feel stupid for trusting him. I feel stupid for finding the same guy in a different package.

Sad thing is....NOBODY who knows him expected this....they didn't think he was capable.

Granted, he's a bad liar....cuz all his stories lately don't add up, and I told him that. But still, the idea that he went to all the trouble. It just didn't seem like he could go there. My ex...yeah, he looks like a player. This one....shy, soft spoken, quiet...I just didn't see it coming.

I did know something was up. My radar was up.

But I didn't expect this.

Anyway, part of me is relieved. And part of me is proud of ME.

I didn't get emeshed with him. I didn't build my world around him. I have so much going for me and to look forward to and I have so much to be grateful and thankful for.

This does hurt....but part of me is relieved....cuz I can do what I want now...focus on my goals and needs...building the house ***I*** want, where I want. Doing the activities I want.

26 and I WERE learning balance and to do all this together....but he just wasn't cut out for it.

And I don't feel like it was my fault or a gauge of my worth or anything.

I was ok last night....doing a little obsessing today...anger driven mostly. But I think I'll be ok.

I didn't build my world around him....so life will go on and I will get to a better place without him.

I also learned a few things about me.

NEXT TIME -

I will be more cautious about who I date and introducing him to my daughter.

I will take things more slowly.

I will have higher expectations - such as an education/intelligence and financial stability.....I realize I cut too much slack in this area....and part of me believes I am not worthy of an intelligent, financially stable man....that goes back to how my father treated me...making me pay my way since age 11 and always telling me how unworthy I am. So, I need to work on that.

I almost feel free.

And proud that I am not letting this end my world...and proud that I paid attention to my gut...and still was able to love him with all I had...even tho I knew there was a risk he would leave eventually.

The weather is beautiful today, and I have to work...my only regret is not going to vermont with my daughter now...BUT, under the circumstances, I may have done some retail therapy that would have hurt in the end...so it's probably for the best.

thanks for listening.

March 31, 2007
8:58 am
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2bstrong
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Rising...I am sorry to hear this! I suppose that does explain a lot of his behavior.

NEVER feel stupid for trusting. Trust is a gift...If you start with that negative self-talk, you just might talk yourself into never trusting again. You should be proud of yourself as you said, you worked on boundaries in this relationship; it will be a great catalyst for your future relationships.

I'm out the door right now--milk that sense of relief that you feel for all it's worth...you ARE free from another stupid situation.

2b

March 31, 2007
9:08 am
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lollipop3
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((((Rising)))),

I'm so sorry to hear this happened.

Same guy, different package.

This statement scares me so much, because I believe it to be true.

I am proof of how true it is. And I'm so afraid for myself that it isn't going to change.

Why is it that we think that these guys "can't" change but we can? Why is it that all the books talk about an addict never REALLY recovering....the possiblity of relapse always there, yet we think we are different?

It scares me.

As I've said before....I'm afraid that I am going to leave Snow, only to find someone worse.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. That title just really triggered something in me.

March 31, 2007
9:16 am
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risingfromtheashes
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no, you have a valid point.

we ARE addicts in our own rights.

I think the difference between "me" and them is that I WANT to change...I WANT a better life, and DAMNIT, I am going to have it.

As far as my now exes...both of them.

NEITHER have a CLUE as to what went wrong or what to do to fix it...or even if they WANT to fix it.

BOTH made comments about being torn apart on the inside...about how much work it is.

doing the right thing is WORK. temptation in life is great.

but the rewards for being an honest, respectful, mature person are endless....and the payback for being an ass and treating people like crap are no fun...so....why not choose rewards...why choose a harder path?

It doesn't make sense to me.

But it would seem that these guys WANT to stay miserable...they WANT to stay the victim in life (losing their dads, nobody wants to hire them, not having enough money....yada yada yada).

And that's the thing...I have to find a guy who sees life like I do...as an opportunity for great things...not miserable and unable to have fun...not that he's a victim of all the tragedies in his life...that he'll never have what he wants.

I honestly was not much of a go getter prior to moving here.

but my drive and determination have grown tremendously.

and because of that, I DO feel more worthy of guys who want more out of life.

I AM afraid the next guy will cheat...but I'm so freaking stubborn that I wont' give up.

I just take what I learned...and make sure I do things differently next time.

Cuz nothing changes if nothing changes.

and if I keep repeating the same mistakes, the outcomes are always going to be the same.

and I will NOT be a victim all my life.

I have a choice.

And I think, based on how I feel...that it is the difference between "me" and them.

I may be addicted to love...and move too fast....but knowing that, I can avoid it next time.

We both have learned and grown.

that is the difference.

March 31, 2007
9:21 am
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taj64
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Hi. Im beginning to think all men are cheats and liars. Even the ones that seem so good. The world is full of them. The guy did not want to change for you and felt pressured but he could have talked it out with you and chose not to. There were many times I wanted to say something to you but backed off becaues I get too rough and tough and I know it. It would have been tough. I saw where it was going. But I knew it would not be heard, that you would explain it. I held back cuz you seemed so determined that he was growing and that love needs to grow. Unfortunatley you did have instincts, you knew, but the guy's signs of "growing" got in the way and you ignored. You pushed it aside and tried to go back to the nesting and concentrate on the loving. You did this with the ex bf you know. You do over analyze and push your guys too hard. Love is not that way, it should be easy. These guys you pick always need to grow or incapable of a real relationship. You hang on too long and you rush relationships. You rushed 26 the first time and then rushed it the second time. It is way too fast. You are a very fast girl and you need to slow down. You have changed dramatically in the years, true but one thing is for sure, you still take on the fixer upper and you are so determined to get that guy fixed or change to suit your needs. This guy did want to be trucker. You did not want a trucker. Now he compromised for you which is good, compromise is good, he was not ready but he ended up being sour about it and resentful and in the end sought out. Sometimes you have to be separate, each different identity and compromise in some areas but not others. You cannot change everything. Accepting what is and if not get out. I think you wanted to get married, you want a family man, he is not a family man, and I sensed some rushing to get there, and this guy was saying one thing to keep you happy and doing another. Im so sorry you had to go through this one more time. It really sucks for you but you will go on again. You have already been through this quite a lot. Maybe you should spend time without a guy for awhile and a long while, not just weeks or a few months. That is my advice. Because in the end you are worthy and I don't get reading all your post you still feel this way, and take guys that are not worthy of you. You deserve better but stay away from it for awhile. Maybe the good one will come along if you are patient.

March 31, 2007
9:46 am
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risingfromtheashes
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taj,

I don't disagree with most of what you said.

I didn't RUSH it, but ALLOWED it to be rushed.

Cuz, when we got back together, knowing he had commitment issues previously, I set a boundary that we wouldn't "nest" and all back into the married couple routine.

But, he did, and I allowed it.

That was my flaw....not keeping my boundary.

I NEVER asked him to be there every night...he just "was". I'd ask him what he was up to and he said he'd be right over.

I figured if he was the one with commitment issues and needed space, he'd take it. He didn't. That's no fault of my own. I tried to keep communication open. I tried to make him take time for himself. He didn't want to. That's what he said anyway.

I do agree that he was yet another fixer upper. I see that now.

I also know that while he does like trucking, there ARE other options he was considering. I was just being foolishly hopeful that he would chose a local job over trucking. Trucking is his "escape"...and I figured if things worked out, he wouldn't need an escape.

I really wasn't riding him hard...when we got back together, HE initiated all that happened. I went along with it.

When things changed - for the worse - THEN I started riding him/them hard.

I realize that whole honeymoon thing and realize that's what happened....best behaviour until you let your guard down.

Then instinct sets in, the gut reacts and I realize that I am losing what i had....and I react and try to gain control over it before I lose it.

As far as the "ignoring my gut" and focusing on the loving and "nesting".

My gut tells me that if I focus on the negative all the time, I will NEVER have a healthy relationship.

So, instead, I made a choice to "note" the inconsistencies...the issues....but keep loving...and let time work things out. Cuz in the end, I will get to a conclusion I can live with.

If I react based on a small issue...then if I walk away, I don't feel confident in my decision. I would rather know all the facts before deciding. And that takes time.

And if I kept my heart locked up, how will I ever love? So, I kept my eyes and ears open, but focused on enjoying what I had.

And I think that's the ONLY reason I feel "ok" right now...cuz I didn't get totally emeshed...I kept things balanced....I have so much going for me that I am not "losing everything". And because I felt I loved him the best I could, I have no regrets. We had fun. I enjoyed our time together. It wasn't negative or ugly or argumentative.

There WERE issues....but I didn't feel they were enough to walk away because of. I hadn't gotten to that point yet. So, loving him was the only other choice.

As I said, my only regret was allowing the "nesting" to happen all over again.

But on the same token...had we been "just dating"....it could have taken me AGES to find out he was cheating....or that he truly was commitmentphobic....and that would have been harder.

It's only been a month...I can recover. I took two years to figure out my ex...that was hard to recover from.

As I said, I don't disagree...but it makes it sound like I "demanded" this type of relationship....and I really didn't. There were no expectations, spoken, unspoken or otherwise. He showed up, I allowed him in my home...I never had to ask.

I also HAVE hung on too long, but I don't call six months too long. Two years, yeah, too long.

anyway, rambling...thanks for listening.

March 31, 2007
10:33 am
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taj64
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Yes I see what you mean but in the end, he cheated and that hurts. That really hurts. He was not grown up enough for you. Six months or two years it does not matter in the scheme of things. It truly is quality over quantity. He was not for you and now it is evident. Hang in there girl. Maybe because it was not an ugly and drama filled relationship that you did not walk away so easily and that can be decieving too but still you found out, he is not a guy that can be trusted. You need trust, and it was there some of the time, but not all the time. You re doing so well though for what it is worth, your strength is showing.

March 31, 2007
10:53 am
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chinita
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(((((((((RISING)))))))))))))) OMG!!! It really sucks!!! How the hell did she get your number??? He still didn't admit it? What a piece of crap!!!

Your totally right you didn't build your life around him and you sound stable in your desicion. Your a very strong woman and you deserve the best it's sad to say that he played these games and couldn't just break up with you and move on. I think you did good by going bye his house and leaving a note. Now exspect him to come back to your house begging you back, he sounds like a Drama King. If he shed tears and then wasn't home hummmmm! not a good sign.

You will find the right man for you!!!! My sister always says to put my exspectations high when dating or looking for a man but my problem is I settle then I find out there a piece of crap.

If I could give you a HUG I would!!!

Huggies Rising

March 31, 2007
10:59 am
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chinita
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WOW that's something, us women have that gut feeling once we get that radar like you say It's hard when you love someone and you want it to work so we ignore that gut feeling but women can sense things when they aren't right. I agree totally on that.

Most of the time when my feelings start getting mixed up and gut feelings start kicking in I'm usually right about the guy.

March 31, 2007
12:01 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I just typed a novel and lost connection and my post,....oh well.

chinita...you are right, I do the same, set my sights high, but SETTLE.

I don't feel I was settling here, other than the financial issue, BUT, I also didn't know if he was the man for me long term BECAUSE of it...I was just taking my time getting to know "all" of him so I could make that decision. Finances can be fixed...core values, who you are on the inside, can't always.

As for the radar...my radar went off...and I was cautious...but I passed it off as him getting antsy cuz of the finances...and getting a little nervous about his decision about trucking.

So, my radar was up, and I was cautious...but I didn't see THIS coming.

How did she get my number? She was calling his house and his nephew kept telling her that his girlfriend wouldn't appreciate her calling. And she didn't get it, cuz she thought SHE was the girlfriend...and just thought he didn't know who he was talking to. Anyway, he finally gave her my number and said she could find him there.

So, altho his nephew is a punk and probably did this to cause trouble, I have to thank him.

March 31, 2007
12:07 pm
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lovinglife
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read your first post only...only have a sec here and hope this comes out the right way BUT what hit me when I read your post WAS....

Take it as a compliment-one more thing to add that is absolutley wonderful about you... you built the now confident cheater who once didn't have an ounce or low self esteem and really had nothing going in his life until YOU come along, yes??

Hon, when we date out of our class THAT is what we get- those of us women who pour out our hearts here trying to 'get it right' are way out & above of the league of the men we have dated...and until we comprehend that - THIS is all we will ever get - projects & hurt, then one more broken heart and just that much more questioning of ourselves- "What is so hard to love about me??" OK I can only speak for myself on that (but my guess is I am also speaking for many). We build these guys, build their self-esteem, and just alone the fact of 'being' with us... a woman OUT of THEIR league. Women they were lucky enough to have in the first place to get our attention, and the only reason why they got us was because of our low self esteem...and the only reason why the continue to have us hanging on, is again our low self-esteem. Again, I am only speaking for myself here (but again my guess is I an also speaking for many.

Wished I had more time to write my thoughts, but I clearly remember these words (not word for word but the jist of it) from one of my projects after he had found another woman and coldly and happily dumped me (I didn't know he was even looking)...

All confident and happy..."Thank you...thank you so much...If I could right now I would give you a big hug of thanks. You challenged me to face some things in my life, blah, blah, blah...." god I wish I could remember all the he said, but I knew what I had did- just built up a man's self esteem...making him more confident in his self then when we met. Anyhow the woman turned out not to be all that he thought and can guarantee- I am 10 x's the woman than he'll ever meet.

Gotta run, ((((Rising)))) You know and you knew that you were WAY better and deserved more in the beginning...but your heart, your compassion, and your....you fill in the rest...got the best of you. Rising I have never met you, don't know anything about your life other than reading your posts here but KNOW without a doubt that YOU ARE a wonderful, driven, successful in your field, thoughtful, intelligent, woman who deserves a man who is all that and more.

I am so sorry for the pain your in right now… ((((Rising))))

March 31, 2007
12:09 pm
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Shaney
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WTF! Oh rising.... I'm SO sorry. I don't know what to say except that I hate cheaters, and I hate liars... and I'm glad you found out now.

You don't have a ton of time invested, you had a mental list of reasons why this guy wasn't good for you from the beginning, and you gave it your best effort.

Hopefully you don't feel that you've really LOST anything here... this is just one more lesson, one more stepping stone, on your way to finding a better guy. THE guy that you deserve... not the one you're trying to convince yourself to settle for. IMO you did a lot of that this time... he had some good qualities, but I think you tried your hardest to try and reason away the bad ones, or make up for them yourself.

Now your list of requirements for a man, is becoming tighter, and more defined... GOOD FOR YOU!

Don't take this cheating episode personally... please. He's 26... nuff said. You've always been and always will be, leagues ahead of him in maturity and integrity. You already know all this. My heart is with you because I know this is hard... Shaney

March 31, 2007
12:55 pm
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chinita
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Thank goodness for the nephew cause you wouldn't have found out.

I lost my train of thought cause of the corn. I'll be back later.

Chin up missy!!! You have alot of support here so keep your feelings and thoughts coming!!!

Love Ya Rising!!!

March 31, 2007
1:25 pm
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turnabout
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So sorry, rising! I haven't kept up very well, I guess, because I had no idea you guys were back together! It's devastating to be cheated on, to have your trust taken for granted and abused. I have a feeling it's not going to really hit you for a couple of days.

I really don't know what to say. I posted something to 2b a while ago about knowing how love would treat you whenever someone does something that gives you doubt, and not settling for less. I guess I might say the same to you here. In all situations, know how real love would treat you, and don't compromise for anything less.

I wish you well, honey. I'll keep an eye on you with this thread, so when or if it feels rough, just spill it.

Turn.

March 31, 2007
5:20 pm
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hopeful for change
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I know its a different situation. But I to have had the same guy in a different package. My ex was long hair tatoos drug addict. This one is short hair clean cut owns his own business, everyone loves him..but he is an alcoholic.

Same guy different package. I ignored the flags..downplayed that it was alcohol and not drugs.

SUcks.

March 31, 2007
5:36 pm
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atalose
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rising,

I am so sorry to hear this. Those packages, sometimes it takes long to get them fulled opened before we realize what's in them.

I read your posts all the time, you are wise, smart and have so much wisdom. I have no doubt you will get past this and gain even more strength to your life.

I remember you said you moved pretty far away to live with him are you having any thoughts of moving again or are you feeling life without him can work for you where you are at?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

March 31, 2007
9:27 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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atalose,

actually, I had chosen to move here prior to really committing to him.

I met him along my way in my move here.

So, I am happy with my decision to be here and thankful for my wonderful job.

I'm not certain I am meant to live in this town long term...cuz it reall is a dive...BUT, because of the cost of living, it will help me get my bills paid down and towards my goal of building or buying my own home in two years.

and now, without his baggage, I am free to choose where I want to live and what I want to live in/build.

I'm fairly confident that I made the right move and am living where I need to be. Life CAN go on without him. I made sure of that all along...this wasn't about him...and my choices didn't create a situation where I would regret my choices.

I built my life around my ex...before 26...I swore I wouldn't do it again, and I didn't.

No, this hasn't hit me all really yet.

Today I went stir crazy, so I am hanging out at my friends, doing laundry, dozing on the couch, watching stupid movies. Tomorrow will be hard.

I had to return stuff to his house...he wasn't home...his mom was. We talked....she was stunned. She wants to stay close...I know I can't. Anyway, she says he's stupid...and that the other girl is trash...while there, the girl called looking for him...so guess he wasn't with her.

anyway, it's hard...and I am going a little stir crazy being alone...with daughter gone....but I will survive.

I still can't get over how this happened....and it's so close to the time period that I found my ex was cheating on me too....ten days difference.

sucks

April 2, 2007
8:23 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Still all over the board.

Feeling lonely is the worst. I didn't build my life around him, BUT, our weekends were spent together. And this weekend was particularly lonely cuz my daughter was not around.

I had no drive or motivation to do anything.

I allowed myself time to rest and recharge.

Part of me wants the relationship back....cuz I miss him.

But then the anger hits and my stomach churns when I think of the lies he told me.

And in the end...I just want to understand WHY....how could he?

I never got that answer from the ex...and I doubt I will get it from him.

I went to church on sunday...and out to breakfast with his mom. At church, when it came time to ask for prayers, she asked for an unspoken one. I lost it. I knew what she was asking for. I went to church cuz I needed comfort. And breakfast afterwards was nice because we didn't talk about 26....we talked about everything else. I do care about his mom...she is a nice person...and I miss my mom. I need all the friends I can get right now.

Anyway, I neglected my eating habits this weekend...I didn't eat bad stuff, but I didn't eat much at all...and left my meds at work on saturday, so didn't take them on sunday. And last night I didn't sleep well.

and I feel like crap today.

but I forced myself to get up, eat my breakfast and get to work. KNowing I can't run from my problems or hide from them.

I keep going from missing him to being angry.

I know it will take some time...but right now, it just sucks.

April 2, 2007
10:27 am
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Rising, hi, I hear all the disappointment in your words, and the anger, yet you have become stronger , it seems. Each time you have gone through the betrayals it somehow makes you better at recovering, at looking at you in the mirror and saying "I can do this, I have done it before , this will be much easier" and at the same time you become unwilling to give your heart like you did before, and eventually you may feel too unemotional and loving w/o guarding your heart too much will be a challenge...I wish you peace, I pray you'll not grow cold w/in...I wish you the best...
(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))
YOU ARE STONG, YOU ARE A GREAT LADY AND YOUR DAUGHTER WILL ADMIRE YOU AS SHE GETS OLDER.
GOD BLESS YOU!

April 2, 2007
10:48 am
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Shaney
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Morning rising...

It'll all be okay before you know it. You've really done well for yourself in the last couple of years and I know that this transition will be far easier than the last time you went through this. You don't have any room in your life for cheaters and liars - you're too good of a person for that.

All along, as much as you tired to reason his issues away, you knew what was best for you all along. Just look at this as the nudge you needed to make that decision once and for all. You would have made it anyway, eventually. Now you're wide open to all that there is out there - and I know you'll take full advantage once you get through this. In the big plan, this is a very small glitch. I know you'll be on your way again soon. You always have my support. Love and many many hugs to you - Shaney

April 2, 2007
11:01 am
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risingfromtheashes
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I guess my only fear is that I won't see a "good" guy when he comes along and will keep getting caught in "wrong" relationships.

Yeah, I learned from the last one, and know that it's useless to try and work this out.

BUT, part of me WANTS TO.

partly cuz I am lonely, partly cuz I can see the good in him.

course, this all goes back to the discussion that lolli had on her thread...about us seeing the good in them, but THEY can't see it. So, they only live up to their own ideas of who they are...not the ideal we see in them.

anyway, I know I just need to stay focused and find some hobbies and make new friends...and maybe find a more deserving man.

I have a woman I did a kitchen for...I LOVE her to death....and her husband is a doctor...but very down to earth....I think I am going to pursue more than a business relationship with her, only cuz she has expressed such...in that she said that she has missed talking with me now that her kitchen is almost done.

anyway, maybe that will expose me to more quality people.

They say it's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys....gotta get away from the turkeys.

April 2, 2007
11:19 am
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Loralei
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Rising, I think that is an excellent idea to pursue a friendship with that woman. It matters a great deal who we associate with!! There are quality people out there. People you can depend on and who have integrity. Raise your personal standards and stay away from fixer uppers. You'll get through this. (((Rising)))

April 2, 2007
11:20 am
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Shaney
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Yeah, ditch those damn turkeys. I have no doubt that you'll recognise a good man when you see one. Your feelers are pretty sharp. But I think the thing that you may need to work on is that voice in you that is making you feel that you don't deserve one of these top notch men? I know that *I* used to feel that way. I went for guys that were always less than my equal because I didn't think that a man that was more successful, or with more education would want someone like me. Well they DID, once I realized my worth and what *I* have to offer. Shit, I'm educated, successful, funny, etc.... who WOULDN'T want someone like that? Take inventory rising, I'm sure you have a long long list of wonderful qualities that you bring to a relationship. Having a man who is your equal, also requires you to let go of some of that control that you're used to having in a relationship. That's another biggy... control isn't always good, I've found. Ask yourself about the control that you've needed to have in these past relationships, as well. If you're willing to give some of that up, the stronger, more capable men will begin to step up.

We're typical *A* personalities, rising. As much of a blessing as that can be, it can also be a curse. Anyway... take inventory of youself first... THEN consider what your perfect match might be. Once I took a good honest look at myself, my taste in men changed a bit.

April 2, 2007
11:45 am
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soprano2
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I said this one to a friend the other day. you might find the humor in it.

It seems like my least relationship, I was looking at a piece of sh--. I knew it was a piece of sh--, and it looked like a piece of sh--, but it was my piece of sh--. I got used to seeing it every day, and I got comfortable with the smell.

Other people laughed because I had a piece of sh-- lying around. So did I, but I didn't let it bother me too much. When I got tired of it, I threw it away.

Then along came..........a rotten banana.

didn't smell as bad. Was still brown, but not the same consistency. My friends thought that it was not much of an improvement as the piece of sh--. I thought it was great--was definitely better than the piece of sh--.

As time went on, I realized that a rotten banana is not too far than a piece of sh--. It may look better at first, but they both end up in the same place.

Know that you deserve better, Rising. I feel for you, honey.

(((((Rising)))))

s2

April 2, 2007
12:45 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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soprano.....yeah, I think I felt I was doing better here.

I thought I was getting a good guy with values...but maybe needed a little more maturity...and financial stability.

I thought I could live with that.

Sad part is, I never thought I wouldn't be able to trust him...that he would be a cheater.

That's the part that scares me. I didn't see that coming.

Shaney is right about the control.

But, in alot of ways, I gave up control on this one. And maybe that's why I am so angry.

When he said he was thinking of going back on the road...I felt my emotions, but didn't allow myself to obsess over it...or try to talk him into not doing it. I decided to keep on going as we were, and take the risk. And what will be, will be.

I did a whole lot better at giving up control.

He was there every night...and at first I felt it was too soon again, but let him cross that boundary. Then when he got squirrely...I figured it was just him getting nervous again...and allowed him time to himself. My only complaint was him not letting me know if he'd be home for dinner and such.

I also didn't try to control or fix his finances...I kept my hands off. I listented to him when he needed to vent...gave advice only when he wanted it...and didn't bring it up again.

Anyway, I did better about the control stuff....tho I have room to grow in that area...I'm pretty proud of my progress.

I know that I have to believe I deserve better. I guess knowing I have my own financial stuff to deal with, I excuse a guy who also does. Feeling that I can't point fingers when I am screwing up myself. And I don't think of myself as intelligent...I'm not big on politics, sports, religion and other stuff...so I find myself boring. But i guess I have to stop that.

Part of it goes back to replaying those tapes in my head of my dad saying I wasn't worth dating and no man would want me.

So yeah, I do set my standards low.

I gotta work on that.

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