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Samantha - how are you?
January 2, 2008
7:02 am
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DorisDay
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Give us an update!

January 2, 2008
9:59 am
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samantha2
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Hi Doris!

It's snowing here - looks beautiful out! At my house there is only about an inch, but 15 minutes away they have 7-8 inches. All the schools in the county are closed, except mine, which is still off today anyway. I'm going to enjoy this last day of vacation because it's back to work tomorrow.

My youngest daughter is still here - she spent a few days in Pittsburgh with her sister, but came back last night for her final day. She works for Teach for America in Arkansas and will be driving back tomorrow. That's the last of them, and I'll be all alone again. I have had a wonderful time with them, and I'll miss them terribly. They have really come close for me this difficult holiday.

I'm still having a tough time detaching and staying away - still can't quite finish it. I don't call him, but if he calls, I'll answer. Sometimes I'll get together with him, but I think I'm getting better at setting limits - not planning my life around him, and accepting other invitations. My girlfriends have come through for me, too. I do have a tendency to isolate myself in difficult periods, and they don't always understand that. One does, though - she called last night, when I didn't pick up, she drove over with a Christmas present and stayed for a glass of wine and conversation. Said she went to visit a friend of hers who knows J**. Said he is crazy, a real nutcase. I had to smile - it did make me feel a little better.

I'm taking small steps at organizing my house and cleaning up. I'm not putting great pressure on myself to complete large projects, just clean out a drawer at a time, or a shelf, or sort through a stack of papers. It's helping. I've also been going to the gym every day and running 5 miles on the treadmill. After a week and a half, it's one thing I really look forward to and I definitely feel better.

I'm hopeful that we'll have a closing on the house very soon. That will bring some closure. I don't know if being nice to him helps or hurts. It could give him the wrong message, but not doing so can result in retaliation, which I've had enough of. I'm doing the best I can and trust that it will turn out as it's supposed to.

These CA's are so slick - no matter how much abuse they have rained down on us, when they turn on the charm, it's so hard to resist. With my ex, he was mean all the time, it wasn't hard, but this nice/mean/nice is crazy making.

I have some things to look forward to this month - skiing, my book club (we are reading The Kite Runner this month) and on Feb 3 I have tickets to The Lion King. I'll keep trying to be positive and take each day as it comes.

How are things with you? I watched the end of the Redskins game with my mom - she was thrilled they won. The Steelers weren't that lucky though - they are my team. I have some good coffee going, and an apricot/orange pie - delicious! How about a slice?
I'll check in in a little while - going up to the gym. I hope all is well with you. Take care - talk to you later.

January 3, 2008
6:52 am
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DorisDay
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HI SAM!

It looks like you are making progress. Remember, Rome was not built in a day! Take baby steps. The first postitive move was realizing there is a problem...and seeing the good Doctor for who he truly is! GOOD FOR YOU!

Yes, howz about those Redskins? This town is in a fever pitch, blanketed in Burgundy and Gold.

I am recovering well from surgery. I am just sorting out the hormone jungle, using many natural options. I am meeting with an apothecarist today who will be compounding a cocktail of natural hormones with my doctor's consent.

I still mull over 2007. I cannot believe what has happened. I cannot lie..I am still sad. I guess that means I am human with a pulse. I haven't heard anything from Dr. Ex, which clearly means he is busy. I saw my jeweler yesterday, who inquired about Dr. Ex. Evidently, unbeknownst to me, Dr. Ex was in and out of the jewelry shop looking for a ring for me just 11 months ago. He knows I am great friends with my jeweler, so I don't know if this was all for show or if he was truly intending on giving me a ring. According to that idiot I had consulted with about him, he never was in love with me, just loved me. What? She said he is only interested now in sex with "no strings," hence him trolling a married website for babes.

What am I lamenting? I am only lamenting what I thought was real.

January 3, 2008
9:02 am
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samantha2
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Hi Doris

I'm so glad you are feeling better, and you also sound like you are making tremendous progress. Remember, it's a whole new year - a good time to make a new start in our new lives!

I'm sad, too. I had such hopes for a happy life, shared with J**. The past couple of days it's been sinking in, not so much that that is over, as that my life is returning to what it was before, and I was happy before. My kids were comfortable coming home with all their stuff, their friends etc. With J** in the picture, they pretty much held back and didn't come around as much, and when they did, they were in and out again. With him not there, they are back like before. It's a reality check for me - any man from now on that I may become involved with must actually want to be part of my family, as well as including me in his. J** made me very much a part of his family, and I love them all, but he was stand-offish to the point of being rude with my family and friends. I used to think he was just shy around people he didn't know, which may be true to a point, but it's also an effective way to isolate me from anyone who might be a source of strength or support when he gets nasty.

Yours and mine seem to have many traits in common. J** was great about the jewelry - we went to two places mainly. Both would contact us on all special occasions and put back things they thought we'd be interested in. He gave all signs of following through right up to the actual act. I guess it could have been worse - he could have left me standing at the altar. It sounds like your Dr. Ex is much like him...wonder if they're not secretly twins...and how exactly did WE end up with them?

January 3, 2008
9:11 am
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DorisDay
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Oh sister...mine was very very RUDE to my family, friends, and jeweler. I felt myself always trying to "over-do" MY friendliness to compensate for his rudeness: like having a bad child who you are trying to "make-over" at a function so you are not mortified. He would embarass me terribly..but alone, he was my Mr. Charm.

They sound so much alike it scares me. Psychologist, introverted, quirky to the point of charming....I swear to God..if you saw a photo of mine you would say: "you are crying over this?" My cousin looked up his website on the internet and said: "Once you get better, I am going to whip your butt for crying over this jerk." Again, he is SUCH a charmer, he can charm the pants off of anybody, me included!

I find it stunning that your kids have such preception. I am so glad things are returning to normal in your life. I know this split is rough..believe me..I found myself praying to the Blessed Mother last night. I am so lonely, so alone, I miss him so much..it is pathetic.

January 3, 2008
9:40 am
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samantha2
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I pray my rosary every day. Sometimes it's the only thing that keeps me going. I miss J** also, but as each day passes, I like my life without him more. And he still calls, and when he does, I will still go to dinner with him, or he comes over. But it's different. When he leaves, I go on. I grieve for what I thought we had, but I keep running into people who know him, and I'm getting an earful. I am sad for him, because he has chosen to walk away from people who have genuinely loved him and tried to give him a good life. He did it, and that's so sad.

Oh yes, the charm! People who have not been there have a hard time understanding why we don't just walk away. They know how to turn on the slightly vulnerable, wounded manner that just calls to us women "take care of me and save me!" There's just enough sincerity to convince us that we can be the ones to really make a difference to them and make them whole. And in return, they will love us to eternity with undying devotion and gratitude. And no matter how many times they do it, we still think this time it's for real, that there really is a tender, wounded person in there trying to come out, and we'll be the ones to do it. Then we'll live happily ever after......

And then the wolf ate Red Riding Hood.....

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