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safe place to vent?
December 19, 2004
3:54 pm
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jastypes
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Is anyone here? I'm hoping this is a safe place to vent, because I'm about to explode. My husband, Mark, told me months ago that he stopped using drugs. He said that he had no desire anymore. While I had my doubts, I dared to hope that he was telling the truth.

Yesterday he had a horrible car accident and is in the ICU at the hospital. I was feeling very guilty for all the anger and unkindness I've felt toward him, especially lately. I went to the hospital yesterday feeling completely humbled and full of forgiveness.

Today I go to the hospital and get the report that they found marijuana, opiates and steroids in his blood. He told me he can't understand why the pot would still be in his system, perhaps it's from being in a closed truck with other guys who are smoking pot, maybe the buttered roll caused a false positive for opiates, and he "borrowed" a puff from my son's steroid inhaler on Friday because he was having trouble breathing. Then he says he hopes the police didn't find anything in his car, because he may have "lost" a couple of joints in there.

All the anger came flooding back. Or is this new anger? Who cares? He's lying in a hospital bed with lots of recovery time in front of him, and I want to strangle him for using drugs and lying to me. He forgets that years back he had an insurance physical come back positive for cocaine. He told me it was a false positive and made me write a letter to the company. Needless to say, they didn't give him the policy, and years later he confessed to me that indeed he was using cocaine. I was just too stupid to see it. I don't want to be stupid again.

Now, I know that he's looking at weeks and weeks of rehabilitation in the hospital and out. He won't be using drugs, because he won't have access to them. Is that supposed to make me feel good? Well, just for the record, it doesn't. Not right now anyway. And I can't scream to anyone, because what kind of a witch do I sound like being so mad at a man who is suffering so horribly right now.

I'm GLAD he's suffering. I'm GLAD he's hurting. And I feel like the worst human being on the planet.

jill

December 19, 2004
4:02 pm
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workinonit
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Oh it should make you feel good because he won't be!! LOL

You are feeling, and may I add legitimately, betrayed. It really doesn't matter if it is old or new. It is though from the same source.

So, what do you want to do? How angry are you? Do you love your husband? Are you going to try and work this through?

Lot's of heavy questions and even heavier answers. Try taking the emotions out of it for a minute or two and imagine this is happening to your best friend. What would you tell her to do?

BTW, this is a completely safe place to vent unless you've told someone you don't want to see this info.

December 19, 2004
4:10 pm
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starryslp
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This is a wonderful place to come for support.

I couldn't have gotten through my issues without it.

I don't have an idea where to begin with your story....but I know lots of people on here will be able to help you.

December 19, 2004
4:15 pm
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jastypes
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I loved him yesterday, LOL. Today I'm not so sure again. I am committed to him and to trying to make this marriage work. I'm committed, however, first, to taking care of me and my problems with codependency.

What would I tell a friend? Interesting. Feel your feelings. It's okay to be mad, or furious, or however you feel. Feel that. Don't stuff it. Of course don't take it out on your ailing husband now either. Find safe places to vent, safe people to tell. Tell your therapist, your pastor, your mother. 🙂

Think your thoughts. Think it through. (I think this part is taking the emotion out of it) So ahead and think about what's happened, and what is happening now. Is there any place where your thinking is faulty?

I'd tell my friend that her husband shouldn't have been using drugs, and shouldn't have been driving in that condition. He's lucky to be alive. HE's lucky no one else was hurt.

As far as whether or not to stay in the marriage -- take it one day at a time, and don't make a decision during an emotional period.

jill

December 19, 2004
4:21 pm
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art angel
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Jill,

Wow, I know how you feel. My ex was a drug addict and lied to me all the time regarding his use. I am so glad to be done with that. You have every right to be angry and don't feel like you are a horrible person. Please don't. I'd like to take all the people who use drugs and somehow make them see what they put their significant others and family through. It is one of the worst things. I hope you take your own advice, above, and take it one day at a time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

much love and ((((HUGS))))
art angel

December 19, 2004
4:21 pm
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workinonit
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Good for you girl!!! All very real places to go with your thought process.

Do you journal? Sometimes this is a great help. Especially when you go back a week or so and re read your writing. It is amazing what you don't even realise you put down on paper! It was an eye opener for me, that's for sure!

BTW, my daughter's name is Jill (Jillian)

December 20, 2004
3:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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Jill,

What kinda dumbasses do they think we are? My hubby used to give me the same stupid excuses. Stupid thing is I believed him. Now I try, but still don't trust him any further than I can spit.

I think you worked things out well on your above post. I guess the question now is what are you gonna do about it?

I can't offer any advise coz I've made the probably wrong decisions for the right reasons. I did a lot of justification, which should NOT be used in decision making, but I had to. I made my decision and now I have to life w/ it.

Do ya'll have kids? If you do then you have to consider them also. Not just as to whether their dad should be there or not, but as to what will they be exposed to in visitation if you are not together. Not trying to make things harder. Sorry.

December 20, 2004
5:09 am
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loving
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sorry you are all going through that stuff because of someone's addictions. Problem is, it really is an addiction, and for whatever reason they oviously feel they need the substances or object of their addiction to get through life - and the day. could be alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex etc etc. How about getting proper support or counselling for them? and you. It really is often the families who suffer more because the addict is having (or thinks they're having) a great time. I think the support groups like AA or NA (narcotics anon) do help both the addict asnd the family. I too have had addicts around me one way or the other and have experienced first hand the devestation they cause. Talk if you need support ... we are all here.

December 20, 2004
6:38 am
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mamacinnamon
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Loving,

Thank you for bringing the subjects of counseling and AA and NA to lite. I think those are very important and need to be remembered.

Not to put you on the spot tho, but would like to know. What if the individual doesn't want or refuses counseling?

I don't like to see families split either, but if they refuse help then what is the next move other than moving out.

December 20, 2004
7:02 am
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jastypes
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I think I've made a decision -- sort of. Right now Mark has to concentrate on healing. He's not even out of ICU. When he is feeling better, I will ask him to request a drug test before he leaves the hospital. Of course by that time it will be clear. I will tell him that I will expect a drug test every 4 weeks. When the first one comes back unclean, I will be filing divorce papers. Period, end of story. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm going to Al-anon after the holidays, continuing with my therapist, continuing to get stronger. I will consider this accident a second chance for Mark and hopes he sees it the same way.

jill

December 20, 2004
8:33 am
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mamacinnamon
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I hope he looks at it as an absolute miracle. And I hope you will be strong enough by then to stand by what you say.

I wish you the best and him a complete recovery, except for the drug part.

December 21, 2004
2:36 am
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southgoingzax
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I was going to say, is his name Aaron? Because I dated a guy just like that...but not the same guy. Or maybe so, in many ways.

December 21, 2004
3:35 am
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loving
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hi mama and J ...

Re your question on counselling - you can't make them go if they don't want help but you cna make yourself go to the support groups for the families of addicts - (AA or NA will tell you of the nearest one)

they will be able to give all the support needed to the families affected by the addictions and give support and advice that is relevant to the individual case at the time.

Sadly, sometimes leaving an addict really is the only way of survival for the non-addict and even recovery for the addict. I think they have to hit rock bottom before even trying to recover and sometimes being FINALLY left by their loved ones is the push they need to get help. Tough love i suppose but very hard to do when you are the one substance free with no mind-altering chemicals to ease the pain.

J you sound like you really are getting stronger - maybe do get some support yourself- it does help sometimes to be amongst people in the same situation..

Hope you are both feeling ok in the lead up to christmas? A tough time when things aren't so great.

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