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Sad and miss him - am i crazy
June 24, 2009
4:34 pm
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willBhappy
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I am sad today. but happy at moments. Missing the ex...who I email throughout the day (and vice versa). he cheated and i hate him for that...in the end, I cheated too...we grew apart while living under the same roof.

we stopped showing each other love and stopped loving ourselves at the same time, we were miserable and barely talked.

Now that we are apart (at 3 weeks now)- I miss him and he seems to miss me. I want to talk about how we can work out a future together....the kind of talk we used to have -- about marriage, kids -- it all slipped away due to stress, money, anxiety...living apart, i miss him TERRIBLY.

I want to see him at least 1 time a day..it comforts me. I want to ask him if he is serious about me this time...tried to make plans w/ him for tonight and he said "Maybe" -- cant help but think he may be making plans w/ other girls...

He is the type to always needs attention. I was the nurturer and he was the needy ... if I was not around to give it to him, he felt neglected and sought it out somewhere else. Although I have given him ample reason to realize and trust that i LOVE him, Im still scared he is seeking attention f/ other females, even if just companionship.

He can and did give me what I wanted, i guess i just wanted 'more' - not willing to settle for less w/ him this time around BUT, i would think that if he really missed me, he would be all about hanging out every chance he got and showing me he can sweep me off my feet this time. I can never seem to push aside the idea that he may be lying....

He claims he would do anything to fix US - is this where I need to start building the trust, and TRUST him...and let him prove it to me at a distance - after all, we need to be apart in order to not be co-dependent.

My motto at the current moment is to go w/ the flow w/ him - try to rebuild this trust and if he betrays it and knocks down what I have re-built, i will get over it and be done w/ him...he basically has this last opportunity of a chance w/ me to prove himself, if he fails, it wouldnt be the first time.

June 24, 2009
4:39 pm
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CAMER
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hi WillB, how long have you and your bf been dating?? so you were both "living" together a few weeks ago prior to this breakup??

Do you really miss him, or do you just miss having someone in your life?

Keep posting and venting, it all helps.

alot of trust has to be rebuilt from both of you....and do you think you can trust him, even if you feel he may seek "attention" elsewhere if you don't nurture him enough?
(((camer)))

June 24, 2009
4:50 pm
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willBhappy
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we dated for 2 years. lived together for 1.5 years. found out he cheated on may 2 (which is the same weekend I cheated) at that point we had stopped communicating...his alcohol abuse was getting too much for me and I just started doing my own thing...I guess comfortable w/ the fact that we lived togeher-- i could go out, do my thing, and know I would always see him back at home...and Im sure him, vice versa. He started to NEED me for too much, rides when drunk, borrow money, only giving me 1/2 rent b/c he was short....little things that started to irritate me.

I found out HE cheated (he knwos nothing of what I did) - and it was my excuise to get him out of my hair and break up w/ him...He wanted to work on US very bad...tried to romance me, emailed me everyday - i was disgusted and said NO WAY.

I was still under the impression that all his efforts were mainly b/c he didnt want to be on his own and still wanted to depend on me for everything, i had to get out of that routine....

So he moved, and then I moved 1 week later. Ever since I moved, I have missed him dearly. We saw each other this weekend and had the most perfect date, as if it was new again. We actually laughed and talked and were open...touchy and romantic...it was very nice and i cried when i left him...only to see him a few hours later as he came over to spend the night at the new place. He told me that day that he would do anyting to work on US...counseling, cut back on drinking...

Im scared to make him to any of his for me because I dont want him to disappoint me...I want him to do it on his own, but he is the type to need a little nudge.

One good thing that is most attractive now is that I see him for the man I had been wanting him to be -- paying his own RENT, finaly followed through w/ getting a new car, consoldated his debt...when we lived together, he was depressed about all that stuff but never took any action. i feel my kick in the ass to him has made him make serious moves....Im scared he will meet someone else and they will get this confident man that I had wanted this entire time. Sometimes wonder if we should have did counseling and stayed living in the same place.

I am lonely but have tons of friends. I have gone out w/ friends but still tend to think about him, wish he was there, or in th end make plans to see him when i am done. I went to his new place last night and i liked the option that I could leave if I wanted to...I wasnt stuck there...I did leave, hoping it would make him miss me....we sent an i love you text before bed and today couldnt help but invite him over for a movie.....

June 24, 2009
4:56 pm
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CAMER
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can you trust him, even though he cheated on you??

and how much does he drink?? daily??? or every few days and does he just "have a few" drinks or drink to get drunk??

you have to ask yourself alot of questions, if this is the man you want to be with.

What can this man offer you???

June 24, 2009
6:14 pm
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Pistonsfaniversonsucks
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Your not crazy your just human. The one I loved, I never even went out with and 4 years later, I'm still a little hurt and angry every now and then.

June 24, 2009
9:57 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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I can only tell you what happened to me. I went with the flow. Gave him another chance etc and I am here and he has moved on to his next victim. Be caeful and protect you

Bitsy

June 24, 2009
10:38 pm
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wireless28806
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Does he know that you cheated on him? Did you do that because he did it to you? Were you looking for something you were not getting from him?

June 25, 2009
10:03 am
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atalose
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willBhappy,

I am glad you found us, so many of us here came just like you did because of an ending of an unhealthy relationship that we wished, hoped and sought to fix and repair.

TRUST, no you can’t trust him yet or if ever. You are listening to his words and words are nothing and action is everything.

I think you came here kind of looking for someone to tell you to ya go ahead and trust him things will work out. When in fact I think that inner voice inside of you is telling you different. Your heart and head are not on the same page as much as you wished they would be.

Let’s throw some reason into the wind here: You began living with this guy after only dating him a short period of time. You really didn’t even know each other. Then his drinking affected your relationship and he used you (needed you as you put it) for rides when he was too drunk to drive fell short with his ½ of the rent and un top of that he also borrowed money from you. Then he rewards you for that by cheating on you and today you ask yourself if trust and re-building this relationship to the kind of relationship you want is an option.

Your mind is telling you what your heart is not ready to hear, yes in fact if this man wanted to re-build this relationship, wanted to make it better then it ever was he would be jumping through hoops to PROVE his love for you. Has he made an appointment to see a counselor? No he’s done nothing but quack with words that he thinks are appeasing you.

He’s living on his own and supporting himself today because he has to, he didn’t have to do that while living with you.

You worry that he may be seeing other woman that worry will never go away as long as you are with him. Which brings me back to the fact that some how he’s managed to get you to accept responsibility for HIS cheating? You neglected him? You weren’t around enough for him? Those are typical responses from someone with commitment issues someone who drinks and someone not mature enough to be in the kind of relationship you are seeking.

So that brings us back to you and why you would be willing to settle for so little from someone. Why would you want to re-invest in someone who is not even investing themselves except with some words?

Getting through your pain of this relationship ending is how and where you are going to find your future which could include a trusting, loving relationship with someone healthy enough to be an equal partner and contributor, I’m sorry this guy just isn’t it.

You took some action, you came here and if you stick around a while you will see how many will tell you how more you deserve then what this guy can possible offer.

Ending are hard, us codies don’t like that pain and we do what ever we can to stop it including fooling ourselves into thinking the person who causes us pain will be the one to stop it.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 25, 2009
10:52 am
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willBhappy
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THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO ALL.

This is my theory -- I beleive that men (people in general) feel the need to cheat because obviously they arent getting what they want at home. Might no tbe sex, could just be straight up attnetion or need to "feel" secure/loved. I feel in my situation that I blocked myself off coldly from my man, I didnt give him an opp for anything...I went out alone, sometimes spent the night at friends houses, never invited him to do things w/ me....as at this time, I was irritated w/ his behavior and felt "used" and simply could not communicate w/ him (hard for me to do)...hence, he ran into someone who made it easy for him to feel "wanted" even if just for a night.

He wants nothing to do w/ her relationship wise...she has just always managed to find her way back into his life as she still "loves" him. He would never take her home to mom ever again, their dating days are over...he just knew he could use her for what she was worth and get rid of her the next day.....THEN I find out, and he was crushed that any of it even happened.

NO he does not know I cheated. which leaves me to feel like such a hypocrite at times when I would badger him and tell him how much he Betrayed me and how I could never just do that to him, when really I did...but I feel its justified in some sense b/c he wasnt giving me what I wanted either - his kisses an dhugs never seemed sincere, just forced...he never took action to do things on his own...I was on the dance floor, saw this guy (a friend I had known), gazed into his eyes and one thing led to another...the next day it was OVER...never rekindled w/ him again...it was a pure one night stand.....my EX, still has this girl calling him.

Can I trust him, NO, I know I cant...but he claims he is willing to do anything to prove to me.

So what should I ask of him to prove to me...if he wants to work it out SO BAD and I need to see the "actions" rather than hear the words...what is a starting point (if any) -- ask him to change his # so SHE cant reach him...ask him ONE TIME to seek conseling and see if he follows through....

I may be beating a dead horse. I understand that my heart/head are on 2 diff pages - I guess its hard when I feel we were BOTH at the same point in that living situation that we just stopped talking and now that we have had our ALONE time, time to think, time to miss each other, time to sleep alone - I feel that maybe there was a missed opportunity deep w/in what we had...

FYI: His Drinking - NO he does not drink much during the week...he works 9-5, comes home, eats and relaxes...he may have a beer, but thats about it. When we were together he was forbidden to drink liquor b/c his body couldnt handle it -- and he stopped because I aske dhim to. NOW, on the weekends, yes he drinks...he will probably drink a 12-18 pack of beer...sometimes it does get out of hand to a point of him "Passing" out...and sometimes once he starts drinking, he wants to keep on going. I categorize him as a binge alcoholic...he certainly doesnt NEED beer...but I do beleive he depends on it for security, confidence and simply to 'relax'

June 25, 2009
11:09 am
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atalose
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You don’t need to ask him to do anything to prove or back up his own words. All you need to do is sit back and observe and witness what he does on his own without you prodding him.

Didn’t he tell you he would go to counseling and work on his drinking issue? Well, wait and see if he backs up his own words.

Wait and see how he handles this other girl who seems to manage her way back into his life. Good or bad they do seem to have a history together.

You shouldn’t have to tell him what to do he should do things on his own to re-build trust and make you feel secure to make this relationship work if that is what he truly wants.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2009
2:19 pm
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willBhappy
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for the record...UPDATE...this guy is just going nowhere but down. We spent 2 glorious weeks together...thinking things were changing for the better--- I was back in love--- even started having sex again !!! Again, we sort of becamse inseparable - Me not realzing it is/has been a coda scenerio...just thinking that we love each others company.

This weekend was a big test...4th of july bbq at a freinds house...he got drunk...no wait, WASTED...at the end of the night was clickin his fingers and trying to boss me around, made a comment about me opening the car door for him as if he is superior enough to have ME open HIS door...we had another bbq to go to but after his behavior i was disgusted...and proud of the fact that I told him I was NOT going to the other BBQ w/ him and he would have to get himself to and from (because again, i had been driving) ---

So, go figure, once he realizes I will not be going and driving, he calls me a bitch. Rather than arguing I just walked inside, turned off my ringer and went to bed....I get a few texts frm him later that night asking if I was going to keep the door open for him to sleep there....I did not...nor did he end up coming back.

Next morning....I find out that he woke up and went to the local restaruant for brunch, which also includes, MORE drinking. he ended up later, going to a friends house to bbq and drink more, finally gets kicked out and thats the first contact that he made w/ me all day/night...asking me if he could stay at my place...I told him NO...I was sick of this and still am...He played the guilty mind games saying that I must not love him if I am nto willing to help him...that I abondoned him the night before (when really he left by choice in his own car)...still, NO apology for what he put me through the night before....he slowly switched into, I want you to come to my palce...said he was "bored"...then sent me another text asking again if he could come over and that he wanted to hold me. I am just so disgusted that I put up w/ this while we lived together...and now I am in more control living separate from him but he tries to really cometrol me with mind power. I have stood my ground...dropped his stuff off at his car so I wouldnt have to see him.

I KNOW there will be a time/day/night this week that he contacts me...wanting to hang...wanting to have dinner (our weekly ritual)...I know I will miss him...I dont know how to be "strong" enough (althoguh I am a very independant person) to keep turning him away.

he has gotten away w/ this behavior before....he thinks he knows how to manipulate me into feeling bad enough to take him back..like a sad puppy dog. He is harmless and sweet when sober but a toal jackass w/ no consious when he drinks...and 2 weeks of it being good does not remotely make up for 1 night of him acting like this towards me.

July 6, 2009
3:06 pm
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Lanigirl
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Wow, Will, good work on letting him take care of himself while you took care of yourself.

If he calls, re-read your post to remind yourself why you don't want him back. Can you have dinner out with a friend so you miss him less?

July 10, 2009
10:44 pm
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druidgirl
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"Its called break up because its broken" by Greg Behrendt is a great book.

Glad to hear how you handled it. This guy is very abusive, also very happy to hear you are not with him anymore.

You will feel much better soon, just be good to yourself.

(God.. who am I to give anybody advice co dependent myself;-))

warm greetings

July 11, 2009
1:24 am
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fantas
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Willbhappy, Way to go!!! Good for you for getting here and holding onto your boundaries!!! Stay strong, post here when you feel a little weaker. Keep the image of his drunken personality close to you so you do not forget. I think you may have turned a new leaf with this one!!

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