Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Sad, alone, scared and unhappy... codependenc y stinks!
November 14, 2001
1:03 pm
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

For a 1 1/2 years I have been dating this guy, we have broken up several times before. He is very verbally, mentally and sometimes physically abusive. he calls me fat, ugly, stupid amongst other choice words i choose not to repeat. I am none of the above. It is only with him that i am not outgoing and am percieved to be weak. Well just a week ago we officially broke up and I want this to be the last time. I know it is for the best I am only 23 and know that relationships shouldn't hurt. He never has anything nice to say to me, Yet i have no problem calling him. He says the meanest things to me but yet i go to see him.. It's like an addiction that i can't control. I haven't talked to him for 5 days now (since we broke up) and this is a huge step. I want to stay away, but sometimes i get so overwhelmed by the need to have contact with him whether it be good or bad i don't know what to do and make every excuse up in the world to call him..

How can I make sure this break up will be the last? I am so fed up of being miserable, yet i am scared to be alone.

November 15, 2001
2:56 pm
Avatar
Starbaby
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lyn,
Hi there and welcome to this board! I have only been here maybe 2 weeks, but have found a lot of support and "food for thought." The first piece of advice is to check in here often, even just to read the new posts.
I know how you're feeling. OUr situations are similar. I'm 25, a college grad w/ a good job and on my way to getting my Master's. So, why the hell do I need to stick around with my daughter's father, who relapsed on drugs and does nothing to help me with our daughter? Well, its taken me months to even BEGIN to figure that out. Now that I'm on my way to recovery (I call it that because my life had become a total mess) I'm seeing things differently. Your title hit it right on--codependency. I've been doing a lot of research on it (internet, books) and the more I read, the more I see why I did some of the things I do. I tend to want to "save" people (I even work in the social services field) and in my quest to save him, I forgot about me. As long as he was taken care of, I felt ok. When things got crazy for him, I was in a state of emotional stress until I resolved it FOR HIM. So, you can only imagine what my life looked like, because he certainly wasn't returning the favor. I can now also see his dependency on me and I guess I liked how that felt too.
The hard part, which I'm now working on, is why am I this way? My counselor has worked with me on my family and how my parents and sibs were and that has played a big part. I'm the youngest in my family and the next sib closet in age is 11 years older than me. I grew up seeing my parents be proud of them and somewhere along the line, I began to feel different from them, and not "good enough." That also plays a part in my choosing who I wanted to date. If they were "losers" then I didn't feel so differnet, and I felt like I had "one up" on them.
Hopefully you can make some sense out of this and at least see the patterns. When I ended it for good,(who knows how many times I went back)
I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so used to living his life, that I didn't know how to move on. It gets easier. Just do as much research as you can and begin to look at yourself and how you grew up. Hopefully you'll begin to see why you do the things you do. DOn't forget--he has issues too. It sounds like he knows that he has someone that is too good for him and will try to convince you that you are not good enough to leave him for someone better.
Stay strong--I know what you're going through. My first post here was "I need some encouragement" and it said that I was fighting the urge to call him and needed some help with it. I've been here ever since.
Good luck to you!

November 15, 2001
3:05 pm
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

starbaby, thank you so much for the words of encouragement i needed them...I have tried many times to part from this guy but it's so hard. i just as you have a college degree and great job and looking to pursue my masters... he on the other barely made it out of high school and smokes weed all night from the minute he gets out of work...sometimes during lunch at work...(amazing)..
sometimes i wish i could be that irresponsible and have someone take care of me, the way i take care of him.. I do things for him not because i want to but because i'm hoping he'll do the same for me...I was sick last week and asked him to take me to the Dr. he said find someone else, he was tired and i was being to needy he said... ugh!!!!
He makes me sick, the feelings make me sick but something keeps me there it's sad to say and i'm trying to do tons of research to end this chaotice and self-destructive behavior once and for all.. Thanks for your support.

November 15, 2001
9:38 pm
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Melodie Beatty

Pia Melody

anything on codependency....

Remember the saying from the movie Bambi..

"if you can't say anything ice ...dont'say anything.....

Well that simple statement is the basis for every human relationship.

Godlen rule...do unto others

Bible...love thy neighbor (wife, lover) as thyself.

If this isn't happening for you...

Run Ru Run as fast as you can...

November 16, 2001
4:00 pm
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

JANES,

Thanks for the support, it means a lot especially at a time like this... He and I have been broken up with no contact for about a week now and i gave in last night and called him... Ofcourse he was his usual mean self but was kind of nice towards the end and told me he'd call me back.. Why I openned the can of worms again is beyond me.. I have to learn some self control.. I hate it..most of all I know i don't deserve to be treated the way he treats me, but sometimes i feel it beats being alone... and i started dating this other guy last time we broke up he is the most wonderful sweetest guy in the world but everytime i hang out with him i think of the mean one ALL THE TIME!! Does this crazy cycle ever end?

November 16, 2001
4:24 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just curious, but need to ask how was your relationship with your dad growing up?

November 16, 2001
5:29 pm
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska,
My dad was very abusive to my mom. They got divorced when i was 8 my mom moved us away so i didn't see him after the age of 10. I try to remember as much as I can about him i remember he always smelled like alcohol. My dad didn't want to pay child support so he gave up visiting us when my mom moved my sister and i to another state. My mom died a few yrs ago when i was going into my sophmore year in college. So now you know why i don't like to let anyone go if i love them. The only time i've seen my dad in the past 15 yrs. was when he showed up at my mom's grave to say farewell. (very sick in my opinion) He beat the crap out of her when she was alive and i guess he was happy she was finally gone. Needless to say my moms side of the family kicked him out and almost had a full fledged brawl over my moms grave. So basically there is no relationship with my father whatsoever. I don't know him anymore and don't want to know him.

November 19, 2001
10:14 am
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

blondie,
No i am not messing around with your ex but they sound so much alike that is why i asked you questions because i think my ex boyfriend could be him in 10 yrs. from now and i could be miserable. I called him this weekend like an idiot.. i'm seeing someone else but constantly miss him. but for what all he did was treat me like crap and make me feel bad about myself... why cant i just let him go... i'm afraid he'll find someone else or something... actually i'm afraid he'll treat someone better than he treated me and i'll wonder what i did soo wrong..I think if i keep trying he'll come around. In almost 2 yrs. he took me out 3 times... he said we can't go to bars or clubs together cause he doesn't want to have to worry about people checking me out... whatever genious.ugh!!so frustrating..

November 20, 2001
11:26 am
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

blondie,
that's exactly what i'm talking about.. i don't want to wait that long..i don't want to get married to this creep and be unhappy for the rest of my life.. my mom did it with my dad he was abusive and she was miserable... I've had the same relationships with every guy i've dated i get attached and they treat me like crap and i stay in it for yrs..so sad...and pathetic.. every day i write here i'm getting stronger it's nice to know people understand what i'm going through.. I'm losing friends over this jerk and my family has had it... Luckily my best friend has supported me the entire time and refuses to turn her back on me but even she gets tired of the repetitiveness...

November 20, 2001
1:02 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

just say no, in fact take a break from guys for a while, we usually hook up with the same kind over and over have sit there going DUH ? don't get it, then we realize that OMG, I am attracted to the same kind of guy my dad was, geeeeezzzzzzzzzz louise. So, do some stuff for you, learn about co-dependency, like Janes said, look at the narcissist pages, and take a break from the boneheads for a while, and learn about you , what you want. Learn to be independent, so you won't be attracted to the dependent type. It takes some work, but well worth the effort, besides look at how free your gonna be not caretaken all the time.

November 20, 2001
1:40 pm
Avatar
Starbaby
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Molly is right. In all of my readings on co-dependency, they often talk about how we seek out the parent that was unavailable to us. We find someone like them, then unconsciously, try to "fix" what was wrong with that parent through the other person. We think that if we just fix it this time, then everything will be ok. That is why its so hard to just give up on it and why we find ourselves saying "if I just try harder..." Trying harder will never work. Its not within our power to fix it and the sooner we see that, the better off we are. 🙂

November 20, 2001
2:23 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lyn...basically, at the root of your problem lies the little girl - who saw her mom get abused by your father. That "brokeness" is now rearing it's ugly head in your own life. The pattern is there and you are repeating it. Your need to identify with your mom and her hurts - is normal. She was your role model as to how a woman acts in a relationship and what she got from him - trickled through to you - the female offspring of her. She got hurt - you got hurt - by the only real important male role model in your life.

You may think he is gone from your life, but he's very, very present in what you are doing here now with this man. If any focus needs to happen - it is this focus of you compulsively trying to fix the past through another person. This man now - is taking the place of your father way back when. You found someone who basically treats you alot like - your dad treated your mom. And you are standing in her sted, in your own sted as a daughter and trying desperately to "be enough" to change him. If only I could be more, love him more, believe in him more, try and change him more....maybe I could fix this horrible hurt in my gut from the past.

You can't.

At least not this way.... If you continue down this path without really getting a grip on what you are doing - then you will do this til the grave. People don't have to be blinded by what they do - they can "see" it for what it is and change directions, change patterns - get true self esteem that doesn't come from all this dysfunction and from very sick and crippled people.

It's hard, but isn't it hard living like this? You're being compulsive and out of control because you're repeating history and not even knowing why.

Time to face what really happened to a daughter's self esteem a long time ago and how it became maligned by what you saw and were around. You can't fix the past, but you can correct the present....

November 20, 2001
3:08 pm
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i know i am trying to fix the past... I hate my dad and my mom died a few years ago so it sucks... I miss my mom alot it was only her and i towards the end my sister had moved out... Even her boyfriend after my dad was controlling and liked to play head games.. i don't want to continue the pattern... i am seeing a new therapist tonight my old one was way to leanient, i felt like if i was an alcoholic she would give me another drink just so i'd feel better... Well i'm a codependent and she was telling me it was ok to call him and act on my feelings... something tells me she needs to take some more classes in psych101...

I need to find myself and i'm reading tons of codependent books lately and i'm learning more about this issue...

My mom was distant growing up always working or with her boyfriend so i was always trying to get her attention and it wasn't until i went off to college that she realized how much she had ignored me over the yrs..it was then that she missed me she called me at school all the time... We finally became mother and daughter then she died of an asthmatic attack... It stinks but i'm glad she showed me some attention and realized the error of her ways i suppose..I guess i'm just trying to get the attention i starved for from these losers i date... ugh!!!!

November 20, 2001
4:15 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

By George, I think you've got it. Fix me, ignore him. When you have some time under your belt, new behaviors, attitudes, clarity, you will have nothing to do with this type of guy. You will be able to sniff them a mile away and run the other direction. It does take a few 2x4's over the head, but when we get it, we really get it. Congrats girl, your future is so bright your gonna need shades.

November 20, 2001
4:44 pm
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks molly

November 20, 2001
5:20 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It's a pattern that's been laid. We want nutrition, so we go about getting it the best way we know how, even if it means going to a bowl of poison because it got labeled "food" by us or someone else - way back then...

Well, time to rip off the label. Inquiring minds - want to know the truth, but you better be able to handle the truth and thus act on it, right? (smile) It's tough, it's hard, won't say otherwise. But, it's worth it. Gotta stop looking at poop and thinking it smells like roses...that was yesterday's news, not today's. Today - you have knowledge - you didn't have yesterday.

Old patterns don't let go easy, just like laying criss-cross tracks over the old ones. It's bumpy going over them...real bumpy, you almost want to turn your wheels back into those old ruts and give up, but each time you lay another round of new ones - the easier the road becomes and the more the new path - becomes default. So, keep going in the direction of truth...you know the way - if you'll listen to that inner voice. It will show you....you just have to want to do the work.

November 21, 2001
12:20 am
Avatar
american girl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am actually going through the same thing you are going through (boyfriend, 1.5 years, broken up more times than I can count)and I know how hard it is to let go. I saw myself in what you were saying and just wanted to give you a little bit of love and support.

I know it sucks, but you just have to remember how good it feels when you stay true to yourself and take care of yourself for a change.

Hang in there! I feel better just knowing that there are other people out there who are like me.

November 21, 2001
10:25 am
Avatar
lyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well this morning i get a phone call at work it was him... he told me to check my e-mail..I did and it said i'm so sorry for the way i treated you but i'm not ready for a relationship...HELLO YOU COULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT 1.5 YRS AGO MCFLY!!!
but i know i also pushed him into this relationship only because i wanted to fix him and mold him and make him my own so he could realize he did want to be in a relationship especially one with me... pretty sick ugh!!!

anyway then he dedicates some retarded song to me from Jagged Edge called Goodbye...basically it talks about how i was the best he ever had but he knows he hurts me so he has to let me go... WHATEVER!!! IT'S ALL THE SAME BULL SH*&*& TO ME... there is no excuse to treat anyone the way i was treated regardless if you wanted a relationship or not...
i think i'm getting to the angry phase it's sooo much better than the i feel sorry for myself stage... I just need to take this split seriously this time and say that is it i know thereis still this mini part of me that hopes it will work out in the long run but i'm working on getting rid of that part and focusing on me...It's nice to have people who understand and understand what i'm going through even when you feel the world has turned their back on you.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
24
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110929
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714213
Newest Members:
stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin, overmyhead201, delight1080
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer