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s.o.s....I've fallen and I can't get up!
January 31, 2004
10:49 pm
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themis
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Where to begin? I've been doing all the do things. Going to meetings, reading the book, praying, doing the next right thing but its a hard night tonight. I have been working a Love/Valentines gift show.........talk about lousy timing. All these loving couples, wedding stuff, sexy langerie. The car even wanted to drive North on the way home. Part 1

Part 2.......working this show with a friend. Its her booth etc. Just needed my help. I merchandised the booth for her and then went to the task of selling. When I came in today alot of stuff was changed around and it really looks shitty.
Not my problem and yet I really start to lose interest in helping.

Bigger problem .........this is an old pattern. See I'm not good enough for anyone! No wonder he left. Why can't you just do your job with Mary? Its her loss of revenue. Why should it bother you?

Codependency Strikes Again

February 1, 2004
7:07 am
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petunia57
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WHAT'S UP? YOU SEEM TO LIKE TO BEAT YOURSELF UP A LOT!! WHY? I'M SORRY, I USE TO BE THE SAME WAY. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, ACCEPT THAT. LIFE IS ALL ABOUT EXPERIENCES WHICH ARE LESSONS TO BE LEARNED. IF IT DOESN'T FEEL GOOD, DON'T DO IT. I AM A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC AND ADDICT PLUS VERY CO-DEPENDENT. FEEL I AM A GOOD PERSON AND CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I CAN'T FIND A GOOD MAN. MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME??? THIS KIND OF THINKING IS A TRAP--BEWARE!!
IT WILL LEAD TO THE "POOR ME, POOR ME, POUR ME ANOTHER" SYNDROM. IF YOUR NOT HAPPY WITH A SITUATION AND CERTAIN PEOPLE IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MAKE CHANGES. IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT. I USE TO BLAME EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING EVEN THINGS I COULDN'T POSSIBLY CHANGE LIKE THE PAST. I AM SURE YOU KNOW THE SERINTY PRAYER.
NOW I WANT YOU TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND GIVE YOURSELF A KISS AND HUG...YOU WILL BE FINE, PICK YOURSELF UP AND BRUSH YOURSELF OFF, IF YOU FALL AGAIN, LEARN FROM IT AND BEGIN AGAIN. HANG IN THERE, IT WILL BE OK, IT TAKES TIME TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE OF YOURSELFS. I CARE PETUNIA

February 1, 2004
8:41 am
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themis
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Petunia thanks. I was trying to be trite when I wrote the thread. Flippant. And you read through it. Thank you. I have 9 years sobriety and am just coming to terms with the codependency. In the bad moments it makes me feel flawed. Wanting too much! And to be the direct reason as to why I sit with tears in my eyes.

On a good day I can realize that this is God's plan. I can see the thinking as to why this has happened and can even see the wisdom. If I were to take the magic wand, (as wonderful as this man was) I wouldn't recreate it.

After my posting, sure enough he came online and for the first time in a number of weeks I said hello. We spoke on the phone.......or maybe I just picked up my drug of choice. errrrrrrrr I don't feel I'm not sure how I feel. I have no change of heart in going back.

There is more to be said here but I'm just not sure what it is. I'm very sad. I guess the good news is that I know the guy, any guy, isn't going to make it better.

February 1, 2004
9:16 am
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acj
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September 30, 2010
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themis:

(((((((BIG HUGS)))))))

I've had my weak moments during the last 11 days... Unfortunately (or fortunately), my ex won't talk to me. So, it makes it a little easier to "ignore" him... 🙂

You are so strong!!! To be sober for 9 YEARS!!! I can't even quit smoking for longer than 6 months at a time....

Well, just out of curiousity, did you get any other closure by talking to him than knowing that a man will not make it "all better"?

acj

February 1, 2004
10:07 am
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themis
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Hmmmmmm I'm still trying to figure out what I did get from it. I was able to tell him that I was angry. Why I was angry. That he never had any remote conversation with me that would have allowed me to call in some protection for my heart or apply some brakes. He agreed. All he had kept talking about was our future. But its never about him, its about me. I have a far easier time understanding him..........he talked about me keeping him from things he had to do. I can realize thats his stuff..........he has spent a lifetime blaming others for his lack of performance.........now its my turn. But like I said its easier to understand him..........the bigger job is understanding where my work lay. I liked what Petunia said about me being who I am.........very hard when for today I would rather be anyone else! Geeeeee, I'm sad and have to go off to this Valentine show errrrrrrrrrrrrr so I have to hit the shower.........I'll look for you all when I get back.
What a wonderful place to heal.
Thank you all

February 2, 2004
6:16 am
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petunia57
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Themis, I'm still here and can feel your pain and loneliness. We are addicts of all things even people (MEN). I thought my loneliness would kill me. Even when there is people around I felt soooooo alone. Is this a problem for you. Magic wand??? Where can I get one?? lol For myself being 46 and not having a partner scares the H--- out of me. I am looking older and my body is changing, beginning to look like my mother...lol. Who would want me? Now I have put myself in a position of taking care of a dying man who has no idea when he'll die or how crippled he'll end up? There is hope that they will find a cure and it is possible he'll be one of the lucky ones and live 10+ years, although crippled. Our relationship is complicated and he's very understanding. Should I continue to look for my soul mate? Or will he just pop up when I lest expect it? I too have a lot on my mind. Sometimes my expectations are to high. I become delusional...lol. Come back to reality. I'll be back to check on you, have to work today...bla Pet

February 2, 2004
6:59 am
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themis
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You know Pet I think we all do have the magic wand ........now we just need a mind that would allow us to know what to wish for!
I am also 46 ..........maybe perky breasts should head the list? lol

Yesterday only got worse for me as the day went on. The gal I was helping at this ********* show, decided after 2 hours that I could come home. That was frustrating as I had to put in alot of effort to get there. I woke in a rough space and by the time I got home after all this Valentine **** I was done! I hit a place of such overwhelming despair I physically wanted to throw up.........very weird. I don't remember when I've felt like that before. So the question becomes why........what contributed to take me there? I still haven't sorted through all the emotions.

I think part of it is in my conversation with THE GUY. I made no moves to see him or for any future conversations. I think on an intrinsic level I know this is not a solution for me. Yep thats it! because the immediate response is then God where? Thats the despair. Where do I fit God?

The day got better as I spoke with my 21 year old son. We had, had stuff at Christmas and I had some flashbacks this week around some of my past behaviour with him. I did a fourth with him and he told me how much he loved me. He told me all the things he loved about me. He told me how he respected that I was out there on the left but that I had an open mind and humility to hear other ideas. He told me that he had never seen anyone have as many friends as me and that was because I was a good person and he told me that he appreciated and realized that he had a great Mom.

When I got off the phone I realized that if nothing else entered my life ...........that was enough! That was more than enough!

Should you look for your soulmate..........damn straight! But its inside. I have taken care of the world far better than I've taken care of myself. I now realize it was never because I was this selfless being........I wanted a payoff........I wanted to be enough, I wanted to be the 'chosen one' If I was good enough you'd pick me.

In all that doing, I forgot to pick myself. What I've been working on is just feeding me. Literally feeding my soul. Feeding my body. When I make a sandwich for instance .......why wouldn't I put letuce on it and a pickle on the side or carrot? I would do that for you in an instant but didn't do that for me. I wouldn't tell you ...."you don't need to eat" but I always made myself keep going inspite of being hungry etc.......

I'm also getting a better handle on what feels good and what doesn't. If I don't like how it feels.......I stop doing it! REFRESHING IDEA! LOL

Have a great Day!

February 2, 2004
4:54 pm
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petunia57
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My My are we feeling better? Sometimes we need a little kick in the butt to sat us straight. Aren't our children amazing? I have a 16 and 18, girls. It's scarey being a parent until the role is reversed on us and they become the parent and we are the child. Who would be more honest with you than your son? Sounds like you are doing better and I am glad for you. Being middle aged sucks big time as I feel mentally that I am still in my twenties and sometimes act like it, then I look in the mirror........scream!!! I think our age plays head games with us, don't you think?? Pet

February 3, 2004
1:45 pm
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themis
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Hi Pet...don't know if the age plays games as much as my head does! The things that I convince myself of right now is no joke. Better?........is a moment to moment thing these days. I just keep trying to do the next right thing. Went to my discussion last night......painting a screen today........taking care of business. Didn't sleep at all. Trying to pull the loose ends of my life together........my divorce papers........I never read them......I just couldn't..........etc.... Thing is that I go full out on this mission to bring order.......to pull it all together but life keeps happening. I Bring it all together and then rest and in the rest I get behind again. Its like paying the bills........I get them all paid and figure ok..........exhale but they come back again errrrrrrrrrrrr I guess I'm still working on balance.......I'm still kind of a 'full out' or 'flat out' girl. lol

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