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S.O.S. for Michigan- needs support!
October 21, 2006
8:57 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL, GG, and everyone else...

Sorry I was gone so long. Took my kids to urgent care, then had an appointment then went out and got completely drunk. So, I am feeling a little hung over this morning, but hey, it's all good. I talked to JIm yesterday for a long time. I am going back to see him on Monday. He is VERY worried about me, to say the least. I told him that I opted out of leaving my house the other night because I didn't thin that it was a good idea. That gave him some hope, but told me, if that EVER happens, that I not only can call him, but he wishes that I would. He knows that I am scared to death of going to his house and talking to him, I don't want to hurt like I did last week EVER again. But I know that I will. I told him that I came right home and got on the computer and sought out my friends here. He said that is great.

Anyways, things are not great, but not horrible either. But, I am here and alive. Still living with a desire to die, but a hope of getting better, and a fear of what it is going to take and how much worse it is going to get, before I get there.

October 21, 2006
9:39 am
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cyndra820
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Hi Mich,

Glad you talked to Jim. I hope that you will call him the next time this happens. I don't want there to be a next time, but from what you wrote I'm guessing there may be and you're expecting it.

I'm glad you're still here. I don't know what else to say other than that, and it seems woefully inadequate.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 21, 2006
9:41 am
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needtoheal
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MICH----

I WILL BE HOLDING YOU AND THINKING OF YOU

YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER AND YOU ARE

DOING WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU--- GETTING

THE HELP THAT YOU NEED...

(((((MICH))))))

love,
need2heal

October 21, 2006
9:48 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Cyndra,

You need not feel inadequate in what you say. You have said alot, and been very caring and compassionate. Your supprt means a lot to me. I am thinking that Jim may be what saves my life, and I think that is a good thing. I just want to get to the place where I don't need to feel like I need someone around the corner to keep me from doing something REALLY stupid.

Need,

Thanks you as well. I also appreciate your willingness to hold me at this point inmy life. It is comforting to know that there are people willing to hold me and to get em through this. My hope is that one day I will be able to help others the way that you have all helped me. I hope that I can be the mother that I should be, and the wife that I should be, and everything else. But more than anything, I want to be happy. I just want to want to live.

Thank you both.

Mich

October 21, 2006
9:54 am
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readyforachange
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mich,

I haven't been around here much lately, but I have been thinking about you. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care, and I wish you peace. (((mich)))

October 21, 2006
10:06 am
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StronginHim77
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Mich -

You have been through hell and back again. The devil has just about pounded you into the ground. I am horrified by what he did to your daughter...all those surgeries...all that suffering for your entire family. Fight him back. Don't let him win. Don't let him continue to destroy all of you. That is what he brings: destruction and death.

I believe you will overcome him and go on to help other women with the strength and wisdom you acquire in the process...and with COMPASSION. You will emerge from this life & death struggle with great compassion for others because you have been there. And the women whose lives you will touch will KNOW that you speak to them from your own experiences. You will be a powerful blessing to many.

- Ma Strong

October 21, 2006
10:36 am
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ggfred4
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oh scared, how I missed you yesterday, but so happy to hear from you today. It doesn't matter to me if you are angry, sad, or whatever. I like you for you, the whole package...You are human...No matter what you are feeling, I care for you and will always hold you, I hope you know that...Keep expressing yourself, I will not leave you...
hugs....GG

October 21, 2006
10:50 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ma Strong,

I have four kids:

Arica who is 9
Alex who is 5
Aryn who is 3
Austin who is 12 weeks.

I tell you that so you can understand what I am about to say to you...

On June 12, 2002 Alex had tubes put in his ears, that was the start of the surgeries...Alex had a stomach surgery the following year in March, and April of 04 he had his tonsils and adenoida removed...Then in January of this year he had to have his one tube surgically removed because it never came out on his own.

Aryn had tubes in her ears at 10 months old, her tonsils and adenoids removed at 14 months, because she had horrible sleep apnea.

Arica had 11 brain surgeries between may and October of last year, and her adenoids removed this last January

Somewhere in there my husband had two surgeries. One to have a kidney stone removed, and one because he broke his hand in two places playing softball. PLus he spent a week in the hospital because he had inflamation around his heart.

I had my first surgery in thirty years when I had my tubes tied 12 weeks ago.

I am tired, and my husband says that in 4 years, I have spent the better part of a thousand hours, literally, in doctors offices, spent probably close to 100 nights in the hospital for sick kids, and went through 22 surgeries.

Can one tell me where in there was the time for me to heal? I HAD to focus on everyone but me. Now, i am tired and I am weak. My youngest son, to this point has been healthy. His entry into this world was very scary, but none the less, he is with us and healthy.

Why my kids? I am not saying it should have been someone elses kids, by any stretch, but why not me? I found out the day after Arica turned one that she had been sexually abused. Then we questioned that strongly again about 2 years ago.

I have put up with my husbands abusive behaviors, and everything else. I am not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, I just need to know that somehow, someway that this CAN get better. I am struggling with that. I am struggling to believe that my happiness is a choice in all of this. How does one find happiness in all of this crap? Especially when Arica is complaining about headaches, and her vision being blurry, and all of that? That leads us to believe that the possibility exists that she could be starting to have the problems that she was having last summer. I need the time to heal my self, and gain some ground before I can take anymore. I have blamed myself for some of their health problems, and stuff, or that I could have done things differently or whatever. The truth is, I couldn't have probably controlled any of it. Alex is pooping bright red blood on a fairly regular basis. I cannot do this. I do not feel adequate, and it really makes me question where God is in all of this. I am angry, and I don't know how to thank God for the good things, because I ccan't comprehend the bad. They are all little, and why do they have to hurt like this...I could go on, but I will only start to repeat myself...

Please Ma, pray. I guess that is all I can ask of ya. I know that nobody here has those answers, I just need prayer.

Mich

October 21, 2006
10:52 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Thanks GG, I really missed you guys too. But, I had a good time getting drunk, but not so good with the hangover. I hope all is ok with your head. You will know MOnday? I am so sorry that I could not be with you. You are so close to my heart always. I hope that you know that.

Love & missed you.

Mich

October 21, 2006
11:36 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Ready,

Somewhere in there, I missed you. Thankk you for continuing to think about me, and check up on me. I so appreciate all of you. I think I am headed in the right direction, but my goodness, I am scared of how dark it is ahead. Thanks again..

Mich

October 21, 2006
11:48 am
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lovinglife
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Mich~ I'm printing off the last posts in here. Going to read and catch up...so glad to hear from you...missed ya : )

I shall return...

October 21, 2006
11:58 am
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ggfred4
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scared,I am so glad you told us all of this stuff...my gosh, you have been through a lot...I have no idea what support you have up there in Michigan...

I have to tell you that even though yesterday was bad and scary, I still thought of you...It helped me to think of you and hoping you and your little boy were feeling okay...It took my mind off of me...Thanks for allowing me to hold you in my heart...

Even though I didn't not like yesterday, so positives were there and I am trying to focus on them (okay, having a lot of trouble focusing though)...may become my new technique: Here goes:

My positives of Friday:
...new doctor I had to see was compassionate
...doctor in hospital was cute!!!!
...had some realizations reading my coda book that were good for me
...felt love and care from people from this site; that amazed me, not used to that at all
...had a good talk with a friend
...didn't do any housework or cook
...let my 18 year old go out of town without a fuss and my own fears

and probably could go on...

Maybe I need to journal more; not just my thoughts, but find positives each day...Yes, I may not realize them until the next day though...

Take care my friend, hug those kids with the cute names you have given them...Hugs and will always hold you (starting to actually feel comfortable the more I do this with you) You know scared...don't hold many people except my kids...but I will do that for you...gosh, feeling emotional today...GG

October 21, 2006
12:09 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

I am glad that things went well, and I am glad that you could see the positives in your day yesterday. There really were in my day as well. Besides now being hung over...But, oh well...

I, too, find myself when I hear songs on the radio or whatever, thinking of my friends here. It is funny, because I think of everyones nick names. If I were to chuckle and my husband were to ask me why, I can't even begin to know how to describe to him that "it made me think about my frind GG, or loving life." Not that he knows one thing about this site, because I would NEVER tell him, BUT, it was just funny to think of how dumb the look on his face would be.

Well, I do hope that things look ok, and that the news that you hear on Monday is good. Please let us kow when you do.

I am glad that you are starting to get comfrtable with the holding thing. I think I may need it for a while. It is like I told ready, I think that I am heading in the right direction, but I do believe that it is a long dark road ahead.

Thanks for being my friend GG. I love ya gf.

October 21, 2006
12:16 pm
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ggfred4
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Hey, my husband thinks I am communicating with teachers that I have met going to conferences and that we are talking about education...HAHA!!! I too think of you guys...I love the volvo commercial with the dad buckling in the little girl who never stops talking...some reason, when I hear that commercial I think of you and your kids...And the music thing, omg, I hear a song and think about our LovingLife...Scared, I really want to rename you; don't want scared or mich...think about it...
If you don't want to, that is okay, but, sometimes like yesterday, my name should be scared2!!!

About the positive thing, scared, I am trying so hard right now. I may act silly, stupid, and I love to joke with LL, but it is my effort to get out of whatever I am in. I have got to change.

Got to go lay down again, gosh, I hate this...head spinning and didn't even have a drink...love ya too

October 21, 2006
1:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

I do hope that you start to feel better. Physically and emotionally. I care about you, and am thinking about you lots.

Your friend always..

Mich

October 21, 2006
1:04 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL,

You were going to read, and haven't returned...Did we scare you away? I miss you. You are my sunshine....

Please come back soon...

Mich

October 21, 2006
1:06 pm
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ggfred4
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me too, LL, we are a trio, like having both of you around...the three amigos!!! LOL

October 21, 2006
1:51 pm
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ggfred4
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LL, are you a magician in real life? Is that what your job is? You seem to disappear and magically appear on various threads....Come home, mich and I need you!!!

October 21, 2006
2:47 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL,

I am going through withdrawal. Symptoms include: Sadness, confusion, wandering mind, and random songs going through head. Own singing causes neausea....Help, only cure is to find LL.

Mich

October 21, 2006
2:55 pm
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ggfred4
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gosh, I think we are alike in many ways, including the four kids...I need LL too, I have been sitting around feeling like shit, realizing I don't have much of a life anymore, and going to drag myself up to go to Lowes and Walmart...ooh what a life there! I can't drive today and luckily my husband wants to go, but only for a short trip....college football games are on...

You know the song, "I want my M-T-V!!! We want our L-L!!!well it doesn't exactly go, but hopefully you know what I meant...

Maybe LL is some kind of secret agent if she is not a magician...disappearing and appearing out of nowhere???No, I am not on any medicine...no, I am not delirious...just want solace, comfort, answers, etc.

October 21, 2006
2:57 pm
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ggfred4
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when she does appear, let's tackle her and then all have a group hug and get this uncomfortable hugging stuff over with. LL and I have to work on that...but I already feel comfortable holding you mich...anytime, girl!!!

October 21, 2006
2:59 pm
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ggfred4
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hey, here's a thought mich...do you think we lean on LL too much...I do depend on P&L too much...Hopefully, they like being needed and loved, eh???? Can't even reach P&L either...Just you and me kid, guess we better find out the way to get strong like them!

October 21, 2006
3:08 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Funny thing about that GG. I was just thinking the same thing...I hope not. I would rather that really NOT be the case. I don't feel like I depend on her, I just really like to talk to her. I think that being here might be more than I should be doing. I always run to here, and I don't want to be that dependant. I push people away in real life. I don't want to do it here. I already did that to mama I think. Maybe I should go so that I don't do that here. I don't want her to avoid being here, because of me. Oh well, I have to go for a while....

October 21, 2006
3:39 pm
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ggfred4
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gosh, mich, we are thinking way too much alike...but, I do know you don't push me away...I don't want to be dependent either, but I do have the tendencies...okay, I'll admit it, I want comfort and friendship too much...sorry

gosh, mich, thinking I come here too much too, don't have much of a life I guess...going to lay down again and ponder...not feeling too happy now...gosh, feeling pathetic about myself...better go....

October 21, 2006
4:05 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Maybe that is why we get along so well GG. We are both very dependant...probably a good thing we have each other. I am needy, and desperately want to be needed. I need you. I have some fears of abandonment, and I think that I may be in the wrong place. People here are not trained to deal with me. I think that we are all needy to a degree. But, I know that I get that way to a point of pushing people away, and I NEVER want to do that. I know that it hurts. A LOT. I don't try to push people away, it just comes natural for me. I don't know how to have a normal, healthy relationship. I am not on here all of the time, but I know that I have become very dependant. I am NOT trying to hurt anyone.

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