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S.O.S. for Michigan- needs support!
October 20, 2006
1:52 pm
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ggfred4
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SM..LL, are you guys watching soap operas???

October 20, 2006
2:17 pm
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ggfred4
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just hanging around til I have to go the hospital for a test...sure is lonely...

Hope your little boy is doing better, scared...

October 20, 2006
2:31 pm
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StronginHim77
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gg...

I think that all the stress and fear caused by the upcoming surgery is what's hitting you so hard. Quite understandable. You are NOT alone, though. So many of us here on these threads have come to know you and care about you. It is OK to be scared. Ask that doctor to give you something for the anxiety...not that daily anti-depressant med stuff, but something temporary, to help you with the stress and fear, before you blow a gasket somewhere, OK?

Love,

Ma Strong

October 20, 2006
2:38 pm
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ggfred4
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I will ma strong...I don't want anything to be wrong, yet, I will be mad if I wasted time, money, a sick day, and worrying people just because I can't handle things...Does this make sense...

October 20, 2006
2:58 pm
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lovinglife
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I'm back

October 20, 2006
3:03 pm
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lovinglife
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hey, yeah, ditto on what Taj said..."A bad person has no heart. A bad person would not care and you do care. that is plainly obvious." Been trying to get something like that even close to come off my tongue- as that is SO true...true enough and worth it enough to repeat it again...

"A bad person has no heart. A bad person would not care and you do care. that is plainly obvious."

October 20, 2006
3:05 pm
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lovinglife
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AND alone once again... still reading to find out what is going on with GG here...and get those meds - good one Strong about one the is fast acting for anxiety...

October 20, 2006
3:06 pm
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lovinglife
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and nope no soaps here, hardly watch tv..it's either a reading or a writing for me!

October 20, 2006
3:09 pm
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mamacinnamon
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(((holding you close)))

October 20, 2006
3:11 pm
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lovinglife
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what the heck GG?? the doc couldn't see you? Gosh, unreal, were you able to get in to see anyone else??

October 20, 2006
3:15 pm
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lovinglife
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I think GG going to the hospital is a good thing...believe she is having a C-T scan for her headaches

((((((GG))))))

October 20, 2006
3:27 pm
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ggfred4
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sorry, fell asleep...leaving in 15 minutes...hate doing this by myself, wish I had company....see what a wuss I am...LL,you make me laugh when you TRY and get pushy with me...Read the Hey GG thread!!!

October 20, 2006
3:32 pm
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ggfred4
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scared, know you are busy taking care of your little boy, but just wanted to check on you my dear...also, trying to stay busy...

October 20, 2006
3:33 pm
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lovinglife
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are you still here?

October 20, 2006
3:34 pm
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lovinglife
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is the cat scan because of your headaches?

October 20, 2006
3:37 pm
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ggfred4
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mainly the numbness going on over my right eye

October 20, 2006
3:38 pm
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ggfred4
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I did get to see the doctor, but I had to come home fill out paperwork and go back...he referred me to the hospital...I am sure it is nothing but stress and because I am a wuss and can't handle things.

October 20, 2006
3:39 pm
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ggfred4
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and LL, I am being honest, don't care if it is negative, not today

October 20, 2006
3:40 pm
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lovinglife
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ok, I had to start a thread to find you and now your here...

October 20, 2006
3:40 pm
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ggfred4
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I am just picking with you LL, need a little humor, not in the greatest mood, mad at myself now

October 20, 2006
3:43 pm
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ggfred4
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well, gotta go...LL, we never seem to get our act together...

October 20, 2006
11:56 pm
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Anonymous
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(((Michigan)))

If we are codependents here on one another then maybe we can say we do have our boundaries already dictated by cyberspace. But I believe that when we are truly trying to help ourselves, whats codependy for some is not codependency for us. We need a little slack. We need comfort. We are only improving if we can accept our limits and try to get beyond them. Ive tried suicide in May and I get up thinking about dying, too. More than dying, I just dont wish to keep living without meaning. I lived my life hiding and pleasing onle to get to the point that I dont know who I am, need, want have to give. Maybe at the rational level, its too clear. But its got to coincide with the emotional level, the gut feeling. Hope you can think of the good moments and those good things that happened in your life under a POSITIVE light. I have trouble doing that. Always discounting and belittling what Ive achieved and enjoyed in life. Those are the moments that nudge us to seek for more of them. And when we have them, we dont ask what the meaning of life is, we dont wanna die, stop living. We just go on happily, sometimes sad, about life. But depression becomes a foreign word. You write so well about your feelings and have such a nice psychologist, Im betting youll be making a lot of progress. Blessings!

October 21, 2006
7:44 am
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cammyjo
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Mich

I look for you everyday on this board to see how you are doing. Most of the time I stay quiet, and let other people talk ( much of the same way I do in my life ) I'm sorry to hear that things are not getting easier, but Jim is right, they will probably get worse to get better. He sounds like a very good soul. I'm so glad you have him.

I've have come close to suicide, thought about so many times, thought that because a husband left me, financial woes, bankruptcy, abortions, loneliness were all good reasons at the time, the pain was severe. Months later, years later, I look back and realize, would that really been worth it?

No one really knows for sure what our "lives" will be like on the other side. Our lives here on earth are just nanoseconds compared to our lives in eternity. And this is just my personal view: I don't believe my spirit will have the same "rest" if I take my own life. And I have come to realize that I am not willing to take that kind of gamble.

Something else I wanted to share with you, and I guess I really should shout it from rooftops, but I usually wait until I feel comfortable enough to talk about it. My grandmother raised me to believe in God, we said our prayers every night, and like most everyone else I always had a question about His existance.

Several years ago, I was working 2 jobs, at a horse farm, and a race track. It was foaling season, I had been at work all day, went to work that night, had a foal, was up all night, went to work that night, had to stay up for another foal watch. I can't remember how many hours I went without sleep. Was driving back to the barn at 1 Am, and did not think I would make it, I was hallucinating, drifting off, afraid that I would just pass out. Struggled the entire time to stay awake to make it back safely. I had 2 more miles to go, when I surrenderd and said "please God help me, just help me make it there"...This is the absolute truth... no sooner had those words left my mouth, I felt something touch me on the top of my head, it felt like hot tingly liquid that poured over and down my body, down my arms and legs. When it was over in just seconds, I felt like I could have run a marathon. At that moment I realized that He had been watching me the entire time, watching me struggle and DO IT BY MYSELF, waiting for me to ask Him to help me, but not interferring.

I know from reading your letters, you have your issues with him. I am not here to "throw bibles" at any one, just wanted to share that in the event that it might make a difference in someones life, especially yours.

Apologize for the long post, just feel like I had to share that, could be someone was pushing me to do it.

Love and hugs, CJ

October 21, 2006
8:42 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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CJ

You don't have to apologize for the length of your post. I appreciate your talking to me. I appreciate everyones caring and sharing. It isn't that I don't believe in God, because I do. I have just become angry. My relationship with God atwhat I KNOW was the happiest time in my life, was wonderful. That was when I was about 21-25. I know that it was because I relied on God, I trusted Him, and everything else, that my life was easier, more fufilled, among several other things. I think that it was as my children started to get sick, our church didn't care, my family didn't care, I was worn out. I needed help, I needed a lot of things. I truly felt like God left me. It was at that point that I gave up. I went about 2 years that I didn't go to church at all. We started going back about two and a half years ago, but it is different. I won't take communion, because it makes me uncomfortable. I really don't pray. I get there and a lot of times I cry. We attend a church now of people that are very caring. But the problem is, that they think that I am doing good. ANd I like it that way. When my daughter went through her 11 brain surgeries between May and October of last year, my chuch is what kept us alive. They brought groceries to my husband who was home with my other two kids and still trying to work, the sent us gift cards and money, took care of our kids during the day so that my husband could work, showed up to the childrens hospital where my daughter was, EVERY time that she had a surgery. I knew through our church that God was keeping my family close. I know that we wouldn't have survived without the help from our church. But even in that, I became angry. I watched my very content, happy, beautiful 8 year old little girl, go downhill ina hurry. She hated herself, she hated us, she wanted to know what she did wrong that she deserved this, the developed seizures, a serious anxiety disorder, it dropped her IQ 20 points, it created a lot of problems. I quickly was very angry at God. I wasn't that close to Him before, BUT, after that, I was downright angry. It was supposed to be one simple surgery, and I became horribly angry. It almost destroyed my marriage among several other things. It was very difficult on us as a family on a whole. I had already felt abandoned and when this all happened I felt like He left my baby. I could not handle it. Yes, she is still alive, BUT she will never be the same. It was at that point, that I asked why.. I prayed that it could be me, let me be the one to suffer, not my baby. Now, all that said, I wasn't close to God for a few years prior to that, but that really distanced me that much farther.

It isn't that I want to die either CJ. I want that feeling to go away. I want to want to live. I hate waking up wanting to die.

I hope that in time this will go away, and things will improve. But, Jim said it will get worse before it gets better. I am very afraid of what "worse" will bring. I am afraid of reliving my past. I am afraid of old feelings that I have buried. I am scared. Willing but scared.

Mandy

October 21, 2006
8:46 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Sini,

Thanks for your support. I appreciate it. I have trouble seeing ANYTHING in a positive light, hopefully in time that will change. But it is going to be a long walk out of the darkness before I can even catch a glimpse of the light. That is what scares me. My only glimmer of hope is Jim. He is wonderful, and honest and everything else. Thanks for caring about me, and taking the time to write. I so appreciate the help and support that I usually feel from here.

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