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9:08 am
September 30, 2010
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scared, I am glad too for this site; I didn't know about this site when I had similar feelings 8 months ago; I think you are brave for seeking help, it shows your desire...I am finding how important support is, yet too worry about my dependence and also trust too.
I think we are a lot alike. Take care of your sick ones and YOURSELF today. Love you,,,,GG
9:16 am
September 30, 2010
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scared, nerves are rising down here in the South...hate going to the doctor...head pounding now...wish you and LL could come and sit with me...such a wuss...
got my paperwork for big surgery next month yesterday...too much medical crap going on
Better not have to do any tests, better not have to give blood, better just get meds and go home...
getting nervous here...
9:18 am
September 30, 2010
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need someone to talk to before I leave, but take care of your son first...
9:22 am
September 29, 2010
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ok so then I got thinking last night...ya know where I work there are absolutely wonderful people, however,... very few can relate to the girls on a personal life experience level. I have a girlfriend who would be excellent with the girls but she self medicates and hasn't dealt completely with her issues...makes me sad because she would be such as asset to a program like I work in. Her heart is so there but she hasn't dealt nor plans to at this time or anytime in the future to heal.
Got thinking about you Mich and what you have been going through these last several weeks - and also thought about Ma Strong and what she just went through herself (how I met her - No Contact Thread - we we're both just a wee bit of a mess)... Anyhow, Ma Strong has taken her pain/loss of having been engaged to a man who has BPD and is now helping others to understand not only BPD but the pain/confusion of losing someone we loved (I got dumped).. Ma Strong can relate so well to others going through a tough time and is often sought out for her wisdom (believe she is working somewhere using her passion to help abused women- not sure but she does plan on writing a book). ANYHOW- though this is jumping WAY ahead Mich, maybe, just maybe someday you are going to be completely on the other side here and helping others who are in the same pain as yourself right now. People who have been there - understand.... In the case of suicidal ideation as well as attempts unless you've lived it, it's hard to fully understand where a person is coming from.
So those are my thoughts of the morning. I even had this vision like a year from now that you are helping someone online here at AAC and we're are telling the person..."No, really ...Mich was there...but look where she is today..." And you will be sharing your story.
But first things first...have you heard back from Jim? And I am very proud of you for making the choice last night to know where you would be safe.
Ok, I'm going to hit send and see if anyone is around yet...trying to keep myself awake here : )
9:39 am
September 29, 2010
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aaah Mich...I don't hear you whining or sounding stupid, AT ALL. What I hear is a woman who is fighting for life and is very courageous to come here and seek the support you know you need – and as far as dependence not sure I am following you and GG – but guess I could say that I feel a little dependent on this site as well. HOWEVER at this time in my life – I need it. Someday I will be able to stand on my own – but only because of the support I have received right here. Never in my life have I felt so heard, so understood, so accepted. Honestly I don’t even want to think about where I’d be today if it hadn’t been for my whining, my sounding stupid – and even if I’ve told myself this – which I have, I didn’t care as I wanted help, I wanted to get better, and I am.
And GG, wish that I could go with you to the doc – but I am so glad you’re going. Even though we not actually there with you – we are with you in thought. You get answers now so you don’t have to worry AND ASK about something to help you sleep : ) {not that I don’t enjoy being up with you but you need your rest to process all the cool new info your brain is taking in!
And I hope your little guy doesn't have strep, Mich.... poor thing : (
9:41 am
September 29, 2010
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where the heck did everyone go again!! dern do I feel alone this morning.
Maybe I'm just dreaming and I'm not really here...
9:42 am
September 29, 2010
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Mandy,
You are a person who needs a hand to pull you out of your darkness.
You know that mine is reaching. Do you want to meet more frequently?
Do you really want to escape your pain and come alive again? Don't you
think it is worth a try? I am with you all the way, Mandy. You know
that now. I have great straight mirrors and insights beyond yours. I
am convinced that you can learn to be fully alive again.
Let me know what you think about more sessions.
With Love,
Jim
That is the email that I received from Jim last night...
9:42 am
September 30, 2010
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I am here...getting ready to leave
9:43 am
September 29, 2010
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LL
You are really here, I am not for long, I am taking my kids to the doc. I hate that, but my 5 year old is begging me to take him, is that sad or what?
9:44 am
September 29, 2010
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aaaahhhh Mich that brought tears to my eyes...this guy is incredible, what a blessing.
9:45 am
September 30, 2010
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wow, what a wonderful person, scared...You have him, you have us, we can do this girl!
9:47 am
September 30, 2010
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scared,mich: we have got to work on a name here...can I go with you and your little boy?!? I am leaving now alone, always alone, to go to the stupid appt. Crap, I hate it...
LL, get some rest, we need you.
9:47 am
September 29, 2010
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I'll check back in after I get a few hours of sleep...so Mich and GG are both off to the doc...And later I have a story for you Mich when my oldest son had Mono - actually it's a quick story... he got so sick that he begged me to take him to the doctor - had no clue that he had mono ...bad mama, bad mama I was! Yeah when the kids ask that we take them in, they know something is up...
GG, how long before you leave?
9:48 am
September 30, 2010
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3-5 min. signed, big wuss!
9:48 am
September 29, 2010
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I've got a few GG - got my second wind here
9:52 am
September 30, 2010
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I have to be there by nine..gosh, I wish we could talk, never time
9:52 am
September 29, 2010
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have you left? You can do this GG- you'll be fine...all brave and strong : )
9:53 am
September 30, 2010
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gotta go now, will check back,
9:54 am
September 29, 2010
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ok, I'll check back in with you both...LL is now going to paassssss out....but wait I feel left out, I want to go to the doctor too - and mine is so dern cute!!
Talk to you both later...take care girls
10:25 am
September 30, 2010
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you won't believe this girls, go to dr., told he has business he is taking care of this a.m. and to come back at 10:30;;;then he is only going to take a few patients because he is going out of town the rest of the day...This is who I was referred to??? I am not happy, took off work, let my students down, just .....I don't know..
I know you are both not around, but need to air my feelings.
11:26 am
September 30, 2010
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gg -
That's outrageous!!! After all that tension and build-up and driving there...why didn't they just have the courtesy to telephone you BEFORE you left your house???
You have my permission to walk outside and scream. Loudly. Get it out of your system.
- Strong
12:00 pm
September 29, 2010
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Mich,
I don't think you're a bad mother or person. I think you are very strong.
Has your doctor talked about medication at all? It may be helpful, it may not be. I'm throwing ideas out there.
If he's told you it's going to get worse before it gets better I can only say hang in there. None of us are going anywhere. We'll be here.
I know you love your children. I know this is hard. I know you want help and have gotten it. I think you are very brave and strong. It's going to be a bumpy ride, and for that I'm sorry.
I'll keep checking in.
Regards,
Cyndra
12:20 pm
September 30, 2010
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Ive been reading your thread. I know for me, there have been plenty of moments in life where I thought of ending it, even a few days ago. Ive been pretty miserable, trying to get over someone, and sitting at home feeling isolated, waiting for an answer. It is hard to believe it was just a few days ago, that I felt so horrible and was thinking of such things as ending it but I too have kids. The biggest stumbler for me is fear. Fear to change. I already feel better. I reached out and someone responded. You must gravitate towards people that really do care and stay away from people that do not care about you. Your kids DO care. It know it must seem like the end of the world for you but fear is totally ruling your mind. You've got plenty of people here that do care and want you in the world. Happiness really is in your reach so you have to put that hand up and reach yourself. Live for today and think about tomorrows, not about yesterdays. You can do a thing about yesterdays or those that have turned away from you. It is what counts for today. And so today is very hard. tomorrow might be hard. But there is always hope that life will not be so hard for you. If you do end it, then you will never get to experience what really can happen and that is for you to live the life you want to have. It would be shame not to have you in the world. You do make a difference. And I really do not see you as a bad person. You have a big heart from what I can see. A bad person has no heart. A bad person would not care and you do care. that is plainly obvious. Guilt just doesn't have a place for very long. It should just come and go quickly. And it looks like it just stays with you but no good for that see? You have every right to feel joy, peace and all that. And you will. Have faith most of all.
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