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S.O. found a lump! I'm stressing! - RobynB
May 27, 2009
12:49 pm
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RobynB
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So after the lousy week I've had with several friends/family passing away, on Sunday my beloved S.O. found a lump on his left testicle. It's small, about the size of a pea, and doesn't appear to be connected to anything. Best case scenario it is a cyst or ingrown hair. Worst case scenario it is cancer. It started more as a rough patch/thickening of skin and within two days became pea sized.

He is notoriously lazy about going to the the doctor, but I am forcing the issue. He agreed to go in two or three days if it's not cleared on its own. I said fine, and got the list of local doctors/urologists ready (he moved here 6 mos ago and hasn't hired a local doctor yet). He has no other symptoms of cancer, nor a family history. According to all the research I've done today, it is probably a cyst. He says he's never had anything like this happen, but is not worried.

But I'm not going to breathe easy in the meantime.

And, to complicate matters, my period is back AGAIN, the 3rd week in 5 weeks this has happened, due to an accidental hormone exposure... I have consulted my doctor. This is the best thing that could have happened because it actually indicates that my cycle is staying reasonably steady following the exposure, but at the same time, try going one week on, one week off, one week on, one week off, and then finally one week on.. you get my drift.

Worse still, most of you have now realized that I lose my mind when I PMS and I have been building up toward an irrational insecure flip-out. My inner voice keeps pointing out things that could mean he wants to leave me, and I obsess over it until I finally ask him and he always has the same answer "no, I'm not leaving, please don't start with the insecurities thing." Sigh. Why can't I feel like he's not lying to me? Why do I think men are liars? I had lousy ex-boyfriends, yes, but my fathers and brothers are the most important men in my life and have treated me more fairly than anyone in the world. So what's up with that?

But I'm fighting it all! I'm not going to let the crazy voice win this time!

May 27, 2009
1:31 pm
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Zebra
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Hey RobynB,

Don't let the crazy inner voice wion this time, no way.

You are strong and you are fine. I will pray that your S.O. has a good outcome and this issue can be resolved quickly and pain free.

Sorry you are having such a horrible period time...you will get through this I just know it.

Beside, you wouldn't want to leave me hanging out here with all my issues too, now would you ...heeeee

Love, Z

May 27, 2009
1:38 pm
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sunshine88
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hi RobynB, it could be just hernia. hope he will be fine.

RobynB, you seem to have a very keen eye on the worst that can happen. maybe you can try another strategy in life, and start pointing out ONLY the positive things, however small they appear to be. sometimes, when you've spent your life seeing negatives, we have been trained to see only the negatives, and easily spot them everywhere.

seeing the positive in life can also be learned. try that path, and i wish you well, my dear.

May 27, 2009
2:06 pm
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RobynB
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Z - Thanks for the powerful words. And no, I can't leave you behind!! I'm certain this bump is nothing, but it's so hard to fight the negative voice.

Sunshine - you are absolutely correct; I look for negatives only. It is such a fight to correct when there have been so many. I just want happiness and health for my S.O. and myself! Thanks for the support and good advice.

May 27, 2009
2:41 pm
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sunshine88
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i used to be like that, too. that's how i know. until i came to ask how other people are able to live this life less stressful as i do.

and i realize that it takes a lot of effort to see the positive things, but oh man, once you learn to see them, there's plenty!!!!!

let's try, shall we?

u discovered a lump. thank God you discovered it! before it gets too late.

your PMS is coming. hmmmm... wow, that's cool, means you're a girl!

the mind is a powerful thing. so try not to condition it by saying "i'm not going to breathe easy..."

say something like, "it's going to be fine, i'm gonna get through this fine." see the magic of positive thinking, keep it going...

try it..

May 27, 2009
9:18 pm
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readyforachange
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(((RobynB))) sorry you are stressing. I know how difficult it is to wait for news and tests and results. I think finding the positive is very difficult, but so necessary to coping with life in general.

Hang in there...hugs of support to you..

May 29, 2009
9:16 am
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RobynB
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Update: Well, he still refuses to go to the doctor. Sigh. I've finally stopped worrying about the stupid lump because I don't really have any other options, because the choice to go get it checked out is up to him. After all this, if it's an ingrown hair, I'm going to call him a drama queen.

Now, I did appropriately confront the insecure feelings I've been having, both because of the hormonal thing and because of his occasional stubborn or cranky behavior.

For instance, I recognized that I was starting to string together one of my "stories" again. It started about 10 days ago; when I told him what he doctor had said about us using back up protection to avoid pregnancy. He made a fairly insensitive comment about "calling the abortion clinic." What bothered me was several months ago we had "the talk" about what would happen if I became unexpectedly pregnant. (SO has two daughters from previous marriage, youngest is 15). At that time, SO told me he would want us to keep the baby, which I found flattering because all the abusive drunks were very pro-abortion. The truth is that I'm pro-choice, and I'm also voluntary childless, but I'm not sure I could get an abortion if I became pregnant with SO's baby because I would want to keep it and raise it with him. It's kind of hard to explain because I know in my heart I don't want a child, but I feel like it would be an adventure to baby with him. Either way, I've accepted it might happen (but take my pill on time, lol!)

So anyways, he makes this abortion comment and it really hurt my feelings because I felt like everything else he had said about wanting to keep our hypothetical baby was false. So immediately, that must mean that he is a liar, blah blah blah. And my mind was off and running. Suddenly, everything he did (not buying a grill, canceling our trip out East) was because he was planning on breaking up with me.

So all this starts to build up, plus, he's being very negative because of work. And sometimes he just needs to suck it up. Nobody likes their job all the time.

So I did ask him about the abortion comment (of course he was like "huh? I was just "joking." I already told you it would be okay if you got pregnant and we'd raise the baby.") So I told him, "I don't appreciate your jokes sometimes!" I think he was surprised by how long I "sat" on that before I asked him what he really meant. So I told him I was too afraid to ask him, because if he had told me he really wanted me to get an abortion, I would have not trusted him after that and probably broken up with him.

I also told him that by canceling our trip out East, I thought he was reconsidering introducing me to his extended family because he no longer thought we had a future together, so why bother? So he said no, it was just a money issue (likewise with the grill) and that made me feel better. But I told him that he needs to start being a little bit more honest about some of these situations, because I don't like unexplained changes.

After all this, he was a little more contrite and made me a wonderful steak dinner. So I guess I should confront issues a little earlier instead of getting crazy.

I just need to build my confidence up more 🙂 It's getting better, thanks to all the support I get from you guys!!!! Hugs to all!

May 29, 2009
3:15 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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RobynB maybe we need a thread on hw to build our confidence. How were you accidentally exposed to hormone. If you are taking BCP's isn't there one that is to help with that other PMS that is really bad? Yaz or something or other.

Bitsy

May 29, 2009
3:42 pm
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RobynB
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OMG, Bitsy, here's the story in a nutshell. I have ridden horses for years and began feeding the show stock in Sunday afternoon's following the suicide of my ex-bf b/c we used to spend Sundays together and I was too depressed to be home alone. It is a habit that I still continue to do since my horsetrainer cuts me a deal for doing it.

Anyhow, we have a mare in the barn that requires Regumate, a .22 synthetic form of progestrine. It is "easily absorbed through human skin" and causes "complications to the menstrual cycle," should "accidental exposure occur."

Basically, I've had my period 3x in 5 weeks, been on the phone with the human exposure team, and to my gyno. There are no long term health issues, it's just a pain in the butt!

And, yes, I am on Orthro-Tri to help with skin and hormone issues and it helps but it's not the cure yet. Would love to try Yaz as it is recommended to treat PMPD but I have no insurance and the Orthro helps a lot, so I'll be okay. It's just that the horse strength ovulation suppressor has screwed up an already shaky situation. Sigh.

And yes, I like the idea of a confidence thread; maybe like the Thankful Thread? Like maybe as an example:

Today I feel unconfident about my boyfriend's feelings for me. This is unreasonable because he assures me he loves me, tries his best to help me be happy, and invests himself into making me stronger for the future.

I have no reason to be unconfident because I am a valuable person. I am a comfort to people who are sad and try to make choices I can be proud of. Also, I am willing to admit I am imperfect, but capable of being loved anyway.

And then anyone who wanted to post on it could? Like the Thankful Thread? What do you think?

May 29, 2009
5:30 pm
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Zebra
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Go for the confidence thread RobynB. I am proud of you for talking to your SO. You did a wonderful job.

Love, Z

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