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Running away
November 24, 2003
10:29 am
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artist 2
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I don't think I want to live with bf and his son any more. It's too hard. Now I feel guilty leaving after he's gotten attached. Maybe he's not as attached as I thought. if I go he'll have no female figure in his life except his crappy mother. Who, as you all know if no good and not good for him. Boyfriend will be left with a lot on his hands if I go. He's in school and is raising his son alone. Plus he has to battle the ex-wife. She is a loser, and albatross for everyone. She does nothing but cause trouble and anguish and seems to thrive on it.

So if I go I leave it all behind, but leave it with my boyfriend. he's dealt with it before, so he could still. But it will be so hard especially since he's in school. He'll probably quit because of all the complications.

So, I'm feeling guilty about leaving it all in his lap. After living with them for over a year, and after having been live-in "mom" for his son, am I selfish for just choosing not to do it any more?

November 24, 2003
10:31 am
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artist 2
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I'm also concerned about the attachment formed - and what will it do the son if I go?

November 24, 2003
10:34 am
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bigdumbguy
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I have a couple of questions.

How old is the son? Have you talked to your bf about this? If so, what does he say?

Try to give me a little more detail about your situation if you want.

November 24, 2003
11:56 am
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artist 2
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The son is 7 years old. The bf has raised from 9 months old because the mother was totally irresponsible.

He and I have gone throught so many fights and resolutions about the various challenges of raising him with a mother such as her hanging around.

Through talking, we have tried different things, which work to a point, but the problems always seem to resurface somewhere else.

It's becoming distracting from what I want to do personally with my life. Everything I want seems to get postphoned. I'm tired of waiting for my needs to get fulfilling. It's time for me to take action.

November 24, 2003
12:00 pm
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bigdumbguy
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Is your relationship with your bf good outside from the mother of the 7 year old?

If that is true, boy that sounds a lot like my situation. My gf and I are great together except for the arguments over the ex and her 7 year old. Kids are the same age. My gf and I have also gone through so many fights and resolutions about the 7 year old and the ex as well. I considered leaving her at one point.

I don't know what to tell you to do in your situation. Have you considered getting counseling or you two going together?

November 24, 2003
12:04 pm
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gypsygirl
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Ultimately, it is not your problem. Not to be mean, but you guys are not married. Don't beat yourself up over this. You neeed to take care of yourself. Worry about you, they will be fine, they will adjust to you not being there.

November 24, 2003
12:06 pm
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artist 2
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Thank you gypsygirl. That's what I need to hear.

Willie: what made you decide to stay? I look hard for reasons to stay, but they usually seem to get dashed or lost in the confusion.

Part of my not leaving is fear of being alone, but that needs to be separated from them. it's not good to stay out of fear of lonliness.

November 24, 2003
12:09 pm
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artist 2
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And yes, outside of the 7 year old and his mother, BF and I get along wonderfully, like friends. But, the issues with his son and his mother constantly occupy our time and our energy. We bond over solutions, then something else seems to come up. The bonds then break. We find ways to rebuild, but they almost always never last.

Its a way of life, but not one of my choosing.

Bf says we should not anylize over it. He thinks talking about it and "trying to figure it out" is distructive.

November 24, 2003
12:18 pm
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bigdumbguy
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What made me stay? Well granted my gf and I have only been together for 5-6 months, but we have already encountered problems like the ones you are having now. Well I don't know if they are exact, but they deal with an ex. Read my posts below "Girlfriend's Ex-boyfriend", and then there are two updates 11/20, and 11/24.

For me, I want us to work out. I know it's not going to be easy, but I am willing to give it a go and see where our relationship leads us. Maybe I am being foolish in thinking that things will get better, but I just hope and pray that things will. Read my update 11/24. Things are great! but only when the ex is not mentioned.

November 24, 2003
12:30 pm
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artist 2
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Thank you for responding compadres...

I want things to work out too. We've all been living together over a year now, so I feel we've given it a good test run. However, I'm at the point of needing to get on with my life and it seems everyting going on is preventing my life from moving forward. I feel like I've been waiting and waiting. I feel pushed aside for all this nonsense with the child and his mother.

It feels like I'm selfish for having my own goals and dreams. Spending my life chasing issues with the son and his mother is not something I ever dreamed would be what life is like!

Just when I get my hands on a goal or ambition, something to do with them rears its ugly head and interrupts, demanding attention.

I'll read your post.

November 24, 2003
10:09 pm
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Squeezles
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Define 'nonsense' with the boy's mother. What's going on?

And for what it's worth as much as you feel 'guilty' for leaving bf in the lurch if you just leave...is that any reason to stay in a relationship that makes YOU unhappy? You aren't married to this guy, this isn't your kid...this isn't *really* your obligation. If your needs are not getting met then you have the right to move on to find those needs.

November 25, 2003
8:38 pm
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Hermione
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Artist - I think you answered your own question here - don't live with them any more - its not do or die -find your own space - then YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL - you will have time to follow your own dreams and ambitions and also have times when he can come over without his son (just for you)and with his son (for all of you)- but it will be your decision - you will be in control. You can detach yourself from your involvement with the son slowly ( which would be best for the son ) - ultimately he is the father's responsibility. In your own space you can set boundaries on how much discussion/involvement you want regarding the issues that arise. The problems that this man encounters are his and he needs and obviously can deal with them on his own - but I am sure he enjoys your input and support to work his way through them - but you must draw a line eg. only talk for 30mins re ex and kid - then you do something for you or discuss something that you want to discuss. If you want to just be the girlfriend - that is OK - you do not need to be the parent if you don't want to be - but it will take for you to move out and start setting limits on your involvment.
This is coming from a single parent with a 5yo who also deals with a crappy father - there are no days off like in other situations so I rely on my parents to give me one night a week/two weeks to spend quality time with another person - it is hard but as a parent it comes with the territory - I am sure he will survive without you - we have to for the sake of our kids. You are a free agent - be one if you need to be - do not be guilty - just withdraw in a caring, considerate and respectful way to make it as easy for your loved ones as possible.

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