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rtaylor
August 30, 2007
8:36 pm
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rtaylor
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Hi,

My husband moved out 5 months ago and said he needed space. He has been telling me this whole time that he wants to work things out. I recently found out that he has been seeing the woman he works for and is also living with her. He tells me that he does not love her and has no feelings for her. I have so much anger because I feel like he has led me on all of this time. I am so hurt. I check his email everyday and his bank account to see what he is doing and what he is spending. I want to stop but I just can't seem to let go. I do still love him but I know that I need to let him go. How do I do that?

August 30, 2007
9:12 pm
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fantas
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Rtaylor,
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. I'd suggest working with a counsellor as soon as you possibly can and in the mean time, try to attend a codependency anonymous meeting just to be in a place where people get you. I think all this takes time to deal with. 5 months is not a long time especially when you are in constant contact with your husband who is telling you that he wants to work things out. Your best bet is to initiate no contact whereby you do not call him, e-mail him, take his calls or e-mail, check his e-mails and back account. Quit him cold turkey. You will have withdrawal symptoms but they get easier with time and suppport. You have a lot of emotions to process right now. What kind of support do you have?

Keep posting. It really helps. I think there is another thread here with the same title so you are not alone. Hang in there!

August 30, 2007
9:18 pm
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Anonymous
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Its hard to let go of someone who you love dearly who is unhealthy, abusive or cruel to you, its very hard, but you can do it if you want too, but it may take a few real serious attempts by you, get a new addy or number and make it private, move away, do whatever you can and be consistent, and stick with it, be sure to have others in your life who you can talk too, go to counseling, take up new hobbies, make a new life for you, he obbviously made one for himself, kept it from you and lied about it.

However, if you want him back, and he wants you and if you work on it and seek counselling and develop good boundaires, there can be hope but two people must want it and you must gain his trust back, be sure that whatever you do, you do it cause you want it or don't want it, be sure you do WHAT IS in your best interest and your heart, only you must live with your actons, not any of us, be well and good luck, hugs to you.

August 30, 2007
9:22 pm
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Anonymous
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sorry, meant to say he must gain your trust back here, tired and going to sleep now, long day here.

August 30, 2007
9:28 pm
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rtaylor
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Hi Survivorofabuse and fantas,

Thank you both so much. I know I need to distance myself from him because he knows that no matter what, he can call me anytime and I am availalbe. Sometimes he will go 3 and 4 weeks and not call at all. I just wish he would not have led me on and given me false hope this whole time. I just wish I could move on. I am going to couceling and that helps. She says I make it to easy for him, that I need to not be so available for him. She says I need to drop off the face of the earth for a little while and make him wonder what I am doing for once.
Help!!!

August 30, 2007
9:43 pm
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fantas
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Where can you realistically begin? Can you block his e-mails, how do you have access to his bank account? can you tear that up? You may need to shut down the internet for a while until you are more stable with all this. Can you change your phone # so he doesn't call you? Begin to systematically erase him from your life. Remove his pictures, put away his stuff so you do not see it. Rearrange the furniture, sleep in another room for a while. Don't go to places that remind you of him. Stay away from mutual friends.

I understand how hard this is. You need to do it though. Your counsellor is right, you need to disappear from his radar for a while. Maybe you can start reading the book codependent no more. It has some pointers about why we obsess over people and can't seem to let them go.

Find new rituals and routines and above all, spoil yourself and treat yourself with gentleness.

There is a thread here called no contact...it might be good to read through that and all the others that you can relate to. I get a lot of clarity reading through other people's threads and posting on them.

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