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Rope Ends Here ------>X
April 30, 2001
2:16 pm
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distracted
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Hello...

Kinda found this place by accident a couple of weeks ago...not sure what happened between then and now that has made me decide to post here. Desperation possibly.
I have a hard time talking about stuff like this – and will most certainly second guess doing this later – so I’m going to try to dump as much stuff as I possibly can the first time around…or not?

I guess I’ll start with where I am now…I’m female, 30, in a long term relationship, currently in therapy, and totally overwhelmed. Started therapy for what I thought was ADHD. Of course it’s never really that simple. Things had come up around 5 years ago relating to memories of my childhood. I already knew I had some issues from my childhood as my parents and I seemed to be at odds constantly. They didn’t think I would amount to much and always wanted to know what my problem was and what they had done to deserve this and so on and so forth. Apparently I took all that to heart and my self esteem was pretty much non-existent. Wasn’t long before I was a bona fide alcoholic and just about at the end of my rope. Then, in a last ditch attempt to get control of things, met and fell in love with my current partner while both of us were trying to get sober. We decided we were going to get through it on our own – and we became each other’s sole support – and we got through it – but in doing so we never took care of what was driving the behavior. Along the way, her stuff came up, which must have triggered my stuff at some point. Stuff I had no idea was there. Since then, I’ve realized that I’ve felt pretty much NOTHING for the majority of my life. Ugh. So, now I’m being bombarded with these memories, I have trust issues, I alternate between complete numbness to feeling more than I ever did, I’m lost spiritually, ready to take a flying leap off the proverbial wagon, unable to be intimate with anyone – whether friend or lover, and confused confused confused. My partner is dealing with her own stuff too and is a “cutter” which is quite overwhelming as well. I really like my therapist and I admire her patience for having to “pull teeth” with me – but I fear I’m headed down the same road Cloud was talking about in her post on counseling dependency. I think because I’ve always wanted someone who was so concerned about me and thinks I’m not a bad person and she does that. But there’s always a part of me that points out that she does that because I pay her to – which in turn triggers the whole trust thing…*sigh* It takes so little to trigger that though…tone of voice, facial expression, words used, mood…I’m such a mess sometimes…and I bring it all on myself. I feel bad for having such a hard time with all this – I know, in light of what other people have had to go through, this isn’t such a big thing. Oh wow - this is getting too long. I’ll stop here.

As I’ve been writing this I keep coming back to the question of why I am doing this. My therapist keeps telling me I need to get more of a support system and has tried to get me to go to AA. I’m just not a group person. She says I can't keep it all inside any longer. I’ve tried to open up and talk to friends more, but every time I do that I end up going the opposite direction and having less and less to do with them. I see other people being able to talk about stuff so easily that I think I should be able to as well, and I end up feeling more alone and more guarded than before. So, this seemed like a good place to dump it all – see if it really does help to put it out there (somewhere).
And I can leave any time I want…

April 30, 2001
2:45 pm
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Molly
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Wow, you put your thoughts out there, very articulately. You have done alot of work, pat your self on the back. You are 3/4 of the way home as I see it, for what ever that is worth.
Trust, is so hard, but there is one thing that makes it easier, and that is the hard part. Self love. Until we finally accept ourselves, and find the good in us, and love ourself, there is this subconcious virus, that prevents us from being loved by others, which effects the trust thing.If I don't love me, how could any one else? Often we only replay the tapes in our mind, that serve the disease, all the ugly things from the past, the parents, the teachers, the poor mates, the ugly experiences. There comes a point, where you just have to turn them off, and say that you have risen above it, and are a wonderful person, due to all of the past, you are loveable and capable, and know it. Once you accept you, your life will change. But getting to that point is often difficult. I will risk taking flack for suggesting that you not go to AA, but perhaps some other type of sobriety meeting, CODA, or a women's group. I think that a more loving enviornment would serve you better. Of course there are some good all female AA groups, but most of my experience of AA, has been rough, reliving all the bad things that one has done, vs all the positive things that the future has to offer. It works for many, don't get me wrong, but you need some more nurturing. Look into alternative book stores, they usually have publications there, that publish different types of meetings. Try reading the Artists Path. Sorry forgot the author. I think also a good church group, or temple would support your efforts,when you think about it, its easy to see how so many become preachers, with God's love and acceptance, and forgivenss. Don't underestimate the true concearn that your therapist has for you, some of us do it because we do care, of course the money helps, but not all are in it for the Mercedes. Keep on, but love you.

April 30, 2001
11:48 pm
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stern
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If you don't mind if I ask what is ADHD,and a"cutter". Are you still drinking? Do you mind sharing some of the child hood memories that is causing you so much pain?

May 1, 2001
1:15 pm
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distracted
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Molly -
Thanks for the kind words. I have to tell you though, I certainly don't feel very good for being 3/4 of the way home! I guess I just need to learn to not be so overwhelmed by this stuff. I just find myself having that sick feeling in my stomach all the time - whether I'm having flashbacks or not. Part of me knows it would be easier if I would give up the illusion of everything being ok - to quit being the "fun" one - a role that I've played my whole life. But it terrifies me to even think about talking to someone about what is going on with me and I tend to side step or blow off any questions that come close to that. Even more so in a group - the reason I haven't made it to any AA meetings - or any other group thing. I think I've gone off on a tangent. I'm just so tired of feeling like this and being this person. Guess that's why I came here - thanks for taking the time to reply. Can't explain why it means so much...?

May 1, 2001
1:28 pm
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distracted
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Hi Stern -
I'll answer what I can of your questions. =o)
ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Also called ADD. Had several people mention that they thought I should be tested for this. I went through a couple of checklists for ADD in adults with my partner and got lots of very emphatic yeses (is that a word?) to most of the symptoms. That's how I got into therapy.
A "cutter" is someone who injures themselves to deal with the pain inside. Some people cut, some people burn, etc... I have found it very hard to watch someone I love so much go through this. I tend to want to fix things and I can't fix this. Though I somewhat understand it, it makes me crazy sometimes. I can explain more if you want - but that's the general idea.
Drinking - no - haven't for a little over 8 years now. Am going through a period though where the urge is very strong right now. I feel pretty sure that I won't, 8 years is a long time to throw away - and one of the few things that I am actually proud of - but somedays are harder than others - especially lately.
Now the toughy...the old stuff...I'm still working on being able to share that stuff. My therapist keeps telling me I have to in order to move through it - I just can't seem to get the words out or to make sense of it all. I can talk about the flashbacks to a certain extent before I feel like I'm overtaken by a wave of negative, destructive, energy. I just wish it was directed at someone other than myself so I could get through this stuff. Another problem I have is that I feel like my experiences are nothing considering what other people have gone through - so I feel like I don't have the right to be this messed up from this stuff. Any words of wisdom are appreciated.

May 1, 2001
1:43 pm
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Molly
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Its funny, I have just finished some mind games of my own, and reflecting on your words, helped me hone in on something. When I first went through school, the professor called me arrogant. I said me? Then he went on to describe how we often are actors in life, we wear masks. He forced me to take mine off. I recently switched professions. I have worked with heroin addicts, and enjoyed it, why??? They don't wear masks. Now I am working with a group of ego driven, masked liars, and its driving me nuts.
Perhaps you know that you cannot hide in a group, its easy to hide in one on one therapy, she or he doesn't know if you are dishing out the bs, but its real hard to hide in group.
There was a therapist that was real popular a long time ago, called David Viscott, he had a book called the Viscott methode. he asked you to write about the what's up, and if you had the guts to do it, tape record your self. You can see in your writing where you are full of it, and listen to your self dish it out, is painful, it is so clear. don't waste your time working on something that you don't want to do, or waste your time for doing it for some on else, it doesn't work. Our brains, and self protection, know when we are full of it, and you'll go back to what ever it was you were pretending to change.
Write down what you want, create a picture of who, you want to be, and live it. If you want to scream get a pillow and do it, so the neighbors don't call the authorities. I used to do it, get a pillow, and rage on. You will crack your self up, when you are done, because you gave your self permission to let go. You start to scream and feel real wierd phoney if you will, then it all comes out the tears, until you are done, and then the laughter, with a slight sore throat, but get it out. You can also do this in your car with the windows rolled up, but I suggest parking.Quit pretending, quit the mask, you'll find out that no one really cares, they might call you a bit** because you now express your opinion, and are not so nice nice , but its easier to be you,and if they don't like that, to hell with them. Did you by chance watch 28 days. I haven't watched it from beginning to end, but she was the party girl who got sober. Start your truth journal, see what comes out, just start writing. What do you have to loose? knowing your self, and becomming is a rough road, but worth the trip.

May 1, 2001
4:53 pm
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distracted
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Molly

I understand what you are saying for the most part - but wanted to ask a few questions. First - did something I said make you think I was wearing a mask here? I'm curious because I know I do with friends and family - but that's usually that everything is fine and I'm the cut-up...but I thought that talking about this stuff kinda ripped that off...now I'm curious as to whether there is another there as well. I have tried journaling and such - and the whole getting in touch with the inner child thing - and am making progress there. But don't know what to do with it afterwards. I have also tried the whole scream in the pillow thing (or something similar) - but never can seem to get past the anger part - nor can I give up enough control to really let loose. I think that may relate partially to the mask that I've worn for so long. The only time I really seem to get any relief from the negative energy is in driving (must be the adrenaline?). But that is not a very...hmmm...nurturing? way of getting that out. And have promised not to do that anymore. Seems that anything that has worked for me in the past is no longer an option now! Which may force the removal of more masks? I dunno...this is all so confusing and overwhelming sometimes. Thanks for your posts - like I said, I don't know why it matters or helps - but it does for some reason.

May 1, 2001
5:09 pm
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Molly
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What you said was , avoiding group, and being the fun one. With respect to writing, I could care less about the inner child stuff, they come out naturally when we feel good. However I think writing about how you feel right now, what your angry at, why you don't like to share whats going on, just writing.
ie., I woke up this morning with the mood again, I hate my hair, hate the clothes I own, and need to cheer up, because my face looks like something the cat dragged in. What is it going to take, what will make me happy, complete, take charge of my life so I don't feel this way. Well, my ....

We usually do this dialogue in our head, and when we feel different, can't go back and check where we were.
Seems to me that your in a "downer relationship" cutting and all, it takes its tole, and effects your mental health. perhaps your hanging on to something that is serving some of your needs, but undermining your true self, and in constant debate, with the issue, commitment, vs ? its hell watching someone you love and feel totally helpless. There comes a time, when we jump ship vs sink with it. I am not trying to undermine your relationship, just working with the information given. think about the weakest link theory. Just how much do you comprimise, and how much do you eventually realize how much you resent it.

May 2, 2001
1:11 am
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Distracted
After reading your post. I had to ask my girl friend if she posted this. So much of your story is like many of things in our lives and relationship. The part were Molly said It sounds like your in a "downer relationship" cutting and all. Well Im the girl friend that is a cutter and I feel really bad if I am bring her down. I am also the alkie of the two of us. I would like to hear more about you and your girlfriend, and how your making your relationship work. Oh I am also dealing with past childhood stuff. Isn't life grand.

May 2, 2001
7:16 am
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janes
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Seems like life can be series of steps on the way to where we think we want to go........

If depending on another person (counselor, friend, pastor etc) is one of those steps...go for it.

While being dependent may not be the helthiest thing it seems LESS unhealthy than being suicidal or so depressed you can't enjoy life.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step....but you can't stop with one. Any journey is a series of small steps.

Keep up the therapy...take your friend with you if the couns. allows.

Good luck.

May 2, 2001
10:47 am
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distracted
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Molly -

Molly - you are right in that I wear a mask in my relationships - I thought you were refering to something I said that made you think I was wearing a mask HERE, which is exactly what I'm trying to get away from. Try to let it all hang out so to speak. Trying to learn who I am and get a handle on all the feelings and emotions that are coming up due to things in the past.
I also wanted to respond to the questions and observations about my relationship with my partner. It IS sometimes a downer to watch my partner go through such pain and turmoil. And to see the hurt and confusion and fear that is there afterwards. Having said that, there is no way I would leave her because of the cutting. She doesn't cut to get at me or to get attention - she has been through a lot in her life and found (when young) that cutting was a way to release the pressure that comes with an abusive childhood. We both have learned different coping mechanisms as we have grown up - mine no more healthy than hers. She is working on her issues as I am on mine - and she is very supportive of me and my attempts to deal with my stuff. I am where I am today and able to tackle the things in my past that are freaking me out because of the love and support she has given me. She cries when I cry, she forgives my shortcomings, she loves me more deeply than I ever thought possible. She has worked soo hard at making me feel like I'm not a worthless person, at making me feel like I can do anything I want, and so many other things I can't begin to mention. So, yeah the cutting is hard and a bit of a downer, and it does make things harder sometimes - but it's ok. We do what we can. Sorry to go off on a tangent - I know you were only trying to get me to look at things in a different way and to help myself take control of my life. Just hate for someone to only know the bad stuff!
Did I mention I'm a bit corny and somewhat mushy? =o)

May 2, 2001
12:11 pm
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Molly
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Just like I have stated, it takes a woman to understand another woman. Its not so much your partners actions, but how you process your emotions, when dealing with some one elses pain. Growing together, and on the same path, and perhaps in a stuck place that needs some shake up, that a third party can help you both facilitate, is what I just got from the both of you.
I am beginning to believe that some issues from the past, will never be resolved, the rehashing, the exploring, the mental masturbation, sometimes just brings more pain when I see individuals striving for some sort of completion. You get to a point where you just must accept that the past is the past, and i am who I am because of my experiences. Lots of good people have had horrendus(spel) experiences and are beautiful, successful in their own ways, its their attitude. You can either carry your baggage, which is a heavy load, or check it in at the counter, and move on. Ask your selves what is the gain, in the downer mood, what is the gain in holding on to the pain, and being some sort of victim, what is the gain, when you cut? There is always some sort of gain, or we don't repeat. When we get sick and tired of sick and tired, we learn to change our behavior, which changes the pay off. So what do you want, and what are you willing to do to achieve it?
I guess my mate and I just learned that life is a choice. We can accept each other, and what we have to share, imperfect as we both are, different beyond my imagination, or fight it for the rest of our lives. We can focus on all the shit that we had in our childhood, our growing up years, prior marriages, or celebrate the present, and strive for better.
I swear, it can only be one of you that takes the lead. I will own that I used to stir things up, my ideas, my suggestions, my inititave, and most of it was pooped on, which used to cause me pain. We were always in a honeymoon, or fight mode. now we are boring, its been so long since we had a fight i can't remember. Well i can, it was just before I bought the relational rescue book, It made me look at me, not anything else, and the future. I don't know what exactly clicked, but when you realize that you are sinking and close to the bottom, you can either stay on that path, or propell your self in a different direction. Its an individual thing, that is not easy to get to, but if you can see it, if you can language it, you can make it happen. Its all in our attitude.

May 2, 2001
12:53 pm
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distracted
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Hi Damaged and Janes and Molly -

hmmm...where to start...I'll start with Janes comments - and thanks for the words of encouragement. I think part of my problem is that I haven't been able to depend on people enough - I guess it's a trust thing. Posting here was my first step towards that I think...it's fairly safe here - and I don't have to ever see any of you face to face or worry about what you may do with what I say. I totally agree with the steps theory - I tend to get caught up in the whole thing - fix it all now - instead of focusing on the small things that will facilitate moving through this stuff.

As far as what Molly was saying, I think you hit on something in your second sentence - about processing my own emotions - I think I have never done that really. And what I'm hearing from my therapist is that I have to do that before I can move past this stuff, before it will quit interrupting my life. Not sure if I said that right. I used to believe that the past was the past and just get on with life - but this stuff just keeps coming back up. Flashbacks and memories and feelings and fears...not to mention how it affects the intimacy of my relationship. Worst thing is - both of us have very similar issues - so chances are, when I'm able to be close and intimate, she isnt' because of her stuff, and vice versa. eh probably more info than any of you wanted! Point is, now I can see so many ways those things and my parents have affected me and my beliefs about myself, others, etc...I know "dealing" with this stuff isn't a cure all - that some stuff will always be there - but I have to believe that taking things into my own hands and addressing this stuff will help me discover who I am and what I want out of life. argh I'm so bad at this! I know I'm not conveying my thoughts very well...and this isn't even the hard stuff! Oh well...I enjoy reading your posts and seeing things from a different point of view.

Now, damaged...
I am sorry you are going through so much right now. There are various things that have helped us in our relationship. When I first found out about the cutting it scared the crap out of me. But I knew I loved her and I wasn't going to walk away from all we had and all we had been through because of this. I did a lot of reading on the internet. As you can imagine, she was very ashamed of this part of her, and has only in the last year and a half been able to really talk with me about what is going on. That has helped a tremendous amount. Another thing that has helped, is when I can realize that there is nothing I can do to fix, change, or stop this. That's not so easy for me and something I really have to work at. I know there are varying degrees and reasons and payoffs for cutting and such - so I can't begin to imagine what things are like for you. But I will be happy to talk or listen more about this stuff. You said you are the alkie of the two of you - do you still drink? How does your partner handle the cutting and stuff? I would love to hear more from you as well. I don't know if it helps, but some of the ways I deal with this stuff (past and present) are pretty destructive too - I think I can understand to a certain extent what drives my partner to do the things she does - and I'm not sure we're a whole lot different. Just different scars. Anyway, I hope I haven't insulted or offended you in any way with the way I talk about this - I mean no disrespect - I just don't say things right sometimes.
Thanks to everyone for your feedback and support - I never expected to really be discussing all this stuff!

May 2, 2001
1:59 pm
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Molly
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This is a good place to put things out there, for all of your mentioned reasons.
Please do not mis understand, there is a difference between stuffing, issues, and acceptance. Denial doesn't work for very long. I guess a good way to demonstrate, like maternal neglect, my mom was an angry cold selfish person, because of that I strived for acceptance, I tolorated unloving relationships for the bone that was tossed in my direction. I didn't understand that I was doing this. I now know that my mother loved me the best that she could and I am greatful. I now know that I don't have to drop boundry lines, for love, or accept unloving behaviors from others. Rather than hold on to specific actions, I get where my mothers stuck ness came from, vs remember the slap on the face every time I opened my mouth. I choose to not recall those thoughts, but the fact that she didn't give birth to me, to vent her anger. Any how that might not be the best anology, but I moved past that weeping lack of a mother and childhood,into thoughts of a loving mother, into acceptance of the mother I had, and acceptance of me. I am aware of my actions, and choose to act vs react to situations, behavior and thought process modification. I also remind my self that I am 47 years old and left home at the age of 17, 30 years of making my own choices, and learning to be me, not a reflection of her, although she did have some very good qualities.Sure she gave me a foundation parts I have kept, parts I don't want to own, but are still a part of me, knowing we have the power to think, grow, and choose, I can't blame her for the choices over the last 30 years, it might serve me if I were looking for an excuse, or some one to blame, but my education, and growth tells me it does not serve me to hang on to that stuff, so I checked my baggage at the counter, it is me, it is mine, but I don't carry it around. I don't want to dig in the details anymore, I don't want to remember the pain, its as fresh as yesterday, there are just so many different things to think about and after all for me it was over 30years ago, my indigestion from breakfast is far more signifigant, than my mothers abusive ways, make sense?

May 2, 2001
4:12 pm
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Dear Distracted,

I really enjoyed reading all of your posts. It's hard to see that you are going through so much, but I enjoy reading about you because it's so obvious that you are working your butt off to address your issues. I think you're doing a wonderful job. I also want to say that I have a lot of admiration for you and your partner being able to stick it out together for this long. Even if it doesn't end up working out forever, you two are doing a heck of a job right now.
I am thinking about your whole process, and seeing in your words a sense almost of desperation to get through your process and put it all behind you. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. It's no picnic to be in such terrible emotional pain.
I think a lot of times the therapeutic process is a lot like childbirth. This might sound totally nuts, but bear with me. . .
Labor is painful, it takes a lot of work, and you can't deliver the baby until everything is just right. The most helpful thing for a woman in labor is to learn to breathe and relax through it. Sure, you can use drugs, numb your pain, but that's not necessarily the best thing for your baby. Sometimes you have to have the whole experience in order to appreciate the end result.
A close companion of mine once told me "Pain is your friend" and he was right. It's how we know there's something we need to pay attention to. It's how we learn to do things differently. It's how we learn to appreciate the times without pain. It teaches us a lot, and it truly is our friend.
If you can, try to relax through your pain. Just allow it to be. Don't fight it. Appreciate it for being there to teach you about your life and who you want to be. Breathe through it. Before you know it, you'll be holding a beautiful new life in your arms--your own!!

Your friend,

Mal

May 2, 2001
4:20 pm
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Distracted,

I am "Damaged"'s partner. I could really understand a lot of what you talked about. I think she and I also bonded and tried to just get to the other side of a lot of problems without really addressing where the problems were coming from. We are learning to work on that now. With regard to her cutting, I know this might sound nuts but I just try to be accepting. I want to tell her not to cut, and I want to try to keep her from cutting, but I try to set my feelings aside and let her deal with her pain the way she needs to. I know she will not be able to stop cutting until she learns a new behavior for dealing with her pain to replace the old one. It has been a long hard road for us to stay together, and sometimes I feel like we might not make it. I know she feels the same way too, at times. But I think we are both thankful for the time we've had together, and we will both walk away better people than we were when we began our relationship. Of course, ultimately, we hope to make this work for a while, but whose to say what the future will bring? Anyway, I wonder if your partner might benefit from reading some of the material here. . .
I hope things are going good for you today!

Sharon

May 2, 2001
10:48 pm
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distracted
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Hello -
Me again...
Molly - I know exactly what you mean - that's what I thought I was going to do for the first couple of years after this awareness of all this crap from my childhood came up. But you are right - there is a difference between acceptance and denial - and I was in denial. Denial that it happened, denial that I cared and that it affected me, denial that it still affected me in a lot of ways. I have only in the last year or so been able to see that I spent most of my childhood depressed. Now, since I was the cut up and the clown, I was able to get through without anyone noticing (for the most part) - I thought this was a good thing at the time. It took me the longest time to believe that a child can be depressed - and that was partially due to the denial that anything had happened at any time that would have that much of an affect on me. So, when I decided I was going to check my baggage, I couldn't...apparently I hadn't packed correctly yet. =o) I'm hoping that one day I can do just what you say - and be more concerned about indigestion than this stuff. I could also identify with what you said about attaining love from another person. I was desperate at times for that - to feel that from another person. I guess I was lucky that I found someone that wouldn't take advantage and charge such a high price for love. Now I hope I can learn to deal with all of that so it never happens...

Malaikau - I've reread your post probably 20 times...I don't know why exactly. I have been told that I am very critical of myself - and am learning to take a compliment and to cut myself some slack - and I guess your post hit me in that spot...thank you so much for the kind words - I always feel like I'm not getting anywhere - or I'm not getting there fast enough. I guess after reading your post I could a little better see that I have made progress. I also agree with your theory on pain - that it's how we know where we need to focus. I was (and still am at times) very detached from that pain - both physically and mentally. Now that I am beginning to see it - and feel it! - it's a bit overwhelming. But I've been told that seeing and feeling it is a good thing...so I guess I have to keep doing it. Anyway - getting off on another tangent...but I did want to thank you for your post. I'll probably read it a couple more times.

Sharon -
You guys sound like you have some very similar experiences as we do - it's almost eerie! I would love to hear more about how you both are handling things and getting through things. Was interesting to hear from Damaged - given her view is on the other side of where I am. And as far as how you handle the cutting - it doesn't sound nuts - that's exactly what I do - try to accept that this is the only way she can get through some of this stuff for now and I would only make things worse by trying to control that. But it is hard to sit back and watch...I also wanted to tell her not to cut - and to try and stop it - I even thought about trying to get anything out of the house that she could use...lol - talk about an impossible task! But like you, I try to understand that there is nothing I can do but accept her and do what I can to help her through all this. We're sorta the blind leading the blind here... I think it doesn't help any that we are both trying to deal with our own issues at the same time - makes it hard to be there emotionally when the other needs it - and boy do we need it sometimes! Anyway, I would love to hear more from either of you.
LOL - I just looked back over this thread and I can't believe how much I've posted!!! Look how long they all are!?!? Anyone who knows me would never believe that I wrote all that stuff! Sorry to be so long winded...

distracted

May 3, 2001
2:37 am
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distracted
First of all you don't need to be sorry for being long winded. I wish I could type as good as you and the others, just bear with my typing and spelling.
Malaukau I liked what you said about the pain thing. I am not really all that use to having to deal with the pain because I stayed medicated all the time. Now Im starting to feel and it is very hard, sometimes the pain really sux. However, I can't go back to drinking because something bad will happen to me. Right now the way I feel is if I were to go start drinking thats my way of saying I give up!!
I hope you will talk more about the childhood thing more. I have some childhood [email protected] that happened to me I don't even remember. Sometimes I feel like I am having flash backs but Im sure thats just in my brain. I tell my self if I do ever remember it I won't get that upset anyway. I don't know.
Molly I have had some of the some feelings about my mother. I am a grown woman now but when I was in rehabe I (the little girl in me) cryed for my mom. I guess I will talk more later. Hope you all keep posting sometimes it's good to talk about stuff even if it's just stuff.

May 3, 2001
6:40 am
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janes
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Good work ladies.....venting and airing and letting it out is such a good starting point. Now translate it to moving towards those goals. With your eyes wide open, maybe scared and helll...but going forward anyway.

May 3, 2001
12:49 pm
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Molly
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I read the book White Oleander, which talks about the need for mother love, no matter what, or mothers are, were, did, or didn't do, none of us, or them could or would ever be perfect, and despite it all we still want them.
It was strange when that ok to feel, and be real thing opened up in me. I was overwhelmed, I cried at everything in the blink of an eye, I would laugh hysterically at the stupidest of things, and then things balanced out. I feel pain today, my eyes will well up, and now today I can say don't go there, shake my head, and mentally controll my thoughts. There was a seminar I took called the monkey brain syndrome. I created a picture of a bunch of monkeys in a cage all jumping around, and thoughts in our heads are the same way, but we have the power to controll them. Sure that painfull thought pops back in once and a while, but what the hell can I do with it, should I hold on to in, go into pity party mode, get angry all over again, and angeris often related to pain, or tell it to go away, it doesn't serve me. We shouldn't hold on to things for more than a week, I let go much sooner now, it just ages me, and I don't need the wrinkeles or swollen eyes. Again practice, controll, acceptance, and love, lots of love for others, and love for self. When I get the real bad shi* surfacing, I call the masters into the pictures, mentally and do hand it over to them, I pretend to be Jesus, who was all loving, and all forgiving. Mind games, and controll for tough situations. It worked for me.

May 3, 2001
2:24 pm
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distracted
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argh
Don't have much to contribute right now - had therapy today and am still reeling from that. I don't understand what happens exactly - it feels like getting hit by a truck - from four different directions. I sorta understand why - but that doesn't do much for the sudden onslaught of FEELINGS. I KNOW it isn't happening now - but I'm still overcome with all this crap - panic, fear, anger, suffocation, isolation, shame...and it comes on so sudden that I don't get to prepare myself with all the talk. All the sudden I'm just in the middle of it - trying to find my way back enough to be able to put it all in perspective. Like you said Damaged, I'm just not used to feeling this much stuff - I was numb or "medicated" (self medicated - but medicated nonetheless) and haven't felt things this deeply before. I feel the same way about the drinking - I believe if I start it will be the beginning of the end...but that sure doesn't remove the need for the numbness you can get with it. enough for now - I need to get my head cleared.
talk to you guys later

distracted

May 4, 2001
1:58 am
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You know I have been seeing a counselor for alittle while, and maybe I am not talking about the right things. I don't feel stressed out after the session. I wonder if that means I not doing it right. I don't know Im sure there isn't a right or wrong.
distracted do you care to share about the beginning to the end thing if you were to start to drink again? You know I feel that there are so many people in the world that have way more problems than me so thats why I don't get being such a pussy about everything. The scars from cutting why? Maybe I have been on a life time pitty party, and now its time to thing about others and not me me me. People some, tell me they can see I am doing better. I don't know.

May 4, 2001
3:12 am
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Hey all!

I am a REALLY big believer in Self Parenting. I think that anything you needed from a parent you can give to yourself. It can be pretty tricky trying to figure out how, but one thing I like to do with my clients is get them to open up a dialogue with the part of them that feels like the "child", and respond from a place that feels more adult-like. The trick is to be able to respond the way you WISH your parents could have responded to you when you were little. I think this can be a very healing exercise in that it helps you realize that your parent(s) couldn't do everything right--when you try to do it for yourself, you quickly figure this out!!! And it teaches you that you do deserve to have the nurturing and love you crave, and that you don't have to wait for someone else to come along and fill this need for you. Something else that I think is lots of fun to do is to think of something the child in you always wanted to do but couldn't. Maybe your family didn't have much money, so you could never have that new box of crayons you wanted. Maybe your older siblings always got to color the best pictures first. Maybe clay and Play-doh were not allowed in your house. Maybe you were not allowed to get muddy because that's not the sort of thing "little girls" do. . . Figure out what kinds of things the child in you would enjoy and then give yourself permission to experience them! Make sure the "parent" in you participates right along side and revels in the joy that your child is feeling. This too can be very healing and therapeutic. Most of all, just remember to have fun!!!

Your friend,

Mal

May 4, 2001
3:25 am
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Hi Distracted,
It was helpful to me to read about your experiencing feelings. My partner "Damaged" is also going through an intensity of feeling right now. I think a lot of times there is so much intensity for her that she doesn't even know exactly what she's feeling, or where it's coming from. Sometimes it's so hard just holding her while she cries and cries, and she can't get in touch with why. But I am so much happier with things the way they are now. When she was drinking, she also cried a lot, but she never remembered it in the morning, so it was like it never happened. The way things are for her now, it's almost like seeing her literally come alive! I know that she is seeing life in a whole new way, and I feel very privileged to be a part of her process of changing. She is teaching me a lot about what it really means to feel and experience life!

Keep on hanging in there! Hope you're having a great day!

Sharon

May 5, 2001
12:59 am
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damaged
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Hi all I just wanted to share with you all that I stayed sober today and I feel great about it. I FEEL and I am starting to feel more all the time. Today was a great day and sometimes I feel its important to talk about the good also and not always just the sad or bad days. I am feeling like God wants me to do special with the rest of my life but I don't know what it is yet. Today I did't cut,drink or even want to. I kind of was sitting up there. Im really getting along with my partner great, we have started to talk more. We are talking how we feel about things and not that you made me feel that way. Other people don't make us feel a certain way we feel the way we choose to about something. You can argue with someones feelings. I wish everyone of you as good of a day as I had today. (((((((((((to all of you))))))))))))) damaged

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