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roots of codependency
July 6, 2009
4:51 am
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baglioni1010
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my childhood lived or died by what my brother said and my parents were ok with that. i cut, punched, destroyed myself, ate pills....... it was like someone had given me a lobotomy --growth was not possible, only agony and temp. satisfaction. a cycle of ignorance brought by toxicity. i was sixteen before i heard the word codependency and nineteen before i knew what it meant. i can't tell you how horrible i felt, how angry i was to hurt myself. my life was stolen and it wasn't my fault.

codependency is pathetic.

July 6, 2009
5:25 am
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baglioni1010
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but it's hard to do anything on your own. and why must those trusted pour salt on fresh wounds? I'm twenty now, off to family counseling, seeking balance health and happiness for myself and those i encounter.

courage, compassion, education, determination, balance, honesty, patience...

i use mantras. so does sherwin nuland apparently. does anyone else use mantras? for example, i repeat something like:

"healthy, balanced, mature. i've had a job."

something like 10,000 times a day just to keep an energy about me and to keep my thoughts from slipping into the hole i would live in. is this what they mean by "fake it till you make it" or am i just acting thru life?

yeah, laziness and apathy are bad.

this seems to be my diary.

July 6, 2009
5:53 am
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baglioni1010
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i don't get in relationships.

not out of hard-lived experience, but out of something more sinister i cannot place. to my mind, mr. perfect mekhi phifer is not out there, and if he is he's cheating on you.

or is this the wrong thinking? is it that i'm not ready for a healthy relationship?

somewhere far away my growth was stunted, and today i feel like a little girl in a woman's body.

July 6, 2009
7:07 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I use mantras all the time. There are several threads on here that do that. The one I like that applies to most everything is:

Every day in every way I am getting better and better.

Peace...

Bitsy

July 6, 2009
7:26 am
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baglioni1010
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aw, thank you! 😀 that was really beautiful.

this is a beautiful forum.

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