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Rigo - 2nd part after the seperation and feeling horrible -
December 14, 2000
12:25 pm
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rigo
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hi to all.. now it's been almost a month that we're seperated. Well, I was away for two weeks and it did me a lot good. I wanted to share it with you all. When my girlfriend told me that it's over, I panicked, felt horrible sick everything. Actually, I will be honest I still feel sometimes the samewya. but like all you said, I needed to carry on, make myself busy, cry, laugh do anything but to take care of myself. That's what I was doing over the last three weeks. Well, Do I still feel for her? Of course Yes! But that's not the point anymore. When I came back from my trip, I wrote to her an e-mail explaining what I have been thinking over that period. I told her that I did some mistakes to her and to myself, but I can't change them. What I do now is that i want to learn from my mistakes and carry on with life. I did loads of thinking about myslef, what I'd like to be. OK I want to be with her but not with all cost, if she doesn;t want I can;t change her. I told her that soince we're living in the same flat, I just want her to be there, speak to me, shaer the moment if she wsihes to, laugh cry whatever. Not try to fix anything, no games, nothing. I just want to plan my life first.Also I told her that I am willing to put an effort in our relationship, but that's not the initial point at the moment. We're in the same flat, we talk we laugh, but heyyyy, who am I lying to, I still feel for her, she is trying hard not to show her feelings, I can feel and see that, she is trying to be seen hard, tough, doing well. Whatever. Last night, she came home crying, about her job. I asked her if she wanted to talk, she started talking, I felt really good, not that she talks to me, but how much I can change of my attitudes, the way I showed my reaction etc. So, life is going on, it hurts, and will take time to heal. Will we make through this stage and go back to a relationship that is stronger and has a strong base? I don;t know,we'll see. Perhaps you (Ladies) might give me your opinion about the situation.
Many thanks to you all, you've been great support
take care

December 14, 2000
12:37 pm
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rigo
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cerry, I just wanted to say that your advice is much appreciated, many thanks!

December 15, 2000
6:23 pm
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jade21
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hello rigo,
I first want to congradulate you for not pushing her into something she doesnt want right now, it takes alot of strength to do that. it is always hard after a seperation not just for you but im sure that shes going through a hard time too. probally the best thing you can do is be her friend right now and to let her know that your there for her. and sometimes a seperation is the best thing for a relationship. no one can tell you everything is going to work out, and its all for the better, but if you love her, and you dont get back together dont let your hurt turn into anger, allways cherish what you had and what you have now, a friendship. rember lovers come and go but a true friendship will last. i also suggest that you tell her your feeling for her in a non-pushy way mabe she doesnt know how you truly feel for her.

December 16, 2000
8:03 am
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rigo
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hi jade21, thanks for your words. I know, it is quite difficult to be in my place, but am really trying to be up and running. Yes, it does hurt but I need to take care of myself.
I am not sure how she would react if I tell her how I feel. I donot want her to see it as a step towards to fic things or get back to normal. I donot want to give the wrong message. However I'd love to express how I feel for her at the moment, but how?

December 16, 2000
4:40 pm
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gingerleigh
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Sometimes writing how you feel can really help you determine exactly what it is that you are feeling. Might be worth a shot. If you need to share those feelings with someone, heck, post it here. We'll support you.

One other thing to consider is that things are still fresh, and you may not want to confuse her any more than she already is by telling her how you feel. Being her friend is good, let her open up to you, open up to her if you feel comfortable doing it. I would recommend keeping your feelings regarding her to yourself for the moment though. Talk to her about work, personal projects, anything to strengthen and develop your platonic friendship. Ask her how other portions of her life are, and respect her need for privacy if she doesn't want to talk about certain things.

You'll know when the time is right to discuss your feelings with her. Give it time.

December 17, 2000
11:23 pm
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jade21
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rigo,
gingerliegh had alot of good advice, giving things time is a good idea. for me i like to tell people exactly how i feel of course everything has its time and place. but only you know if your able to tell her how you feel and when the time is right to do so. writing your feelings down is also a good idea, i write alot of my feelings down and it seems to help me. if i want someone to know how im feeling and i know that if i said something it would make things worse than i write how i feel down on a piece of paper and pretend that i just said it to them. i dont know how to tell you how to tell someone how you feel because every ones different, and every one responds differently to situations, but my guess would be that you probally know her pretty well, and could probally determine when and what is the right thing to say. well good luck to you and keep us posted on what happens.

December 21, 2000
6:16 am
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rigo
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hey guys, listen to this. My ex gave me a very nice xmas card, saying we will always be friends, she will always be there etc. I liked it, but ont the other hand, since the break-up is quite recent, I felt strange in the sense that, OK friends great, but I am working on something bigger than that at the moment,. I realised I think a lot in my mind, when ti comes to telling her, no, simply because we both want some space at the moment. However, I want her to know that I am willing to put an effort in our relationship, would that work if she is really seeing me just a friend. I am thinking, just to give her some space I didn't push for anything, that didn't mean that I don;t feel for her, no on the other hand I respected her feelings, now Should I make the move and say something like:
...., I really like the things are developing, I am really beginning to see my self and you , I am changing, and discovering again why Did I fall in love with you, I want things to be better for both of us, and would like to go hand in hand toward better future based on mutual trust, BETTER communication and opennes, I believe I can and I am doing these things..

What do you all think, pleaseee??

December 21, 2000
9:11 pm
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chook
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rigo, Im a bit confused, you keep saying "our relationship" and yet you have been separated for over a month now. I feel your still pining for her when perhaps you need to back off totally and just get on with your life. I know thats easier said than done but the truth is, if you are destined to be together it will happen eventually. She might realise after a time of complete space just how much you mean to her. Did you hurt her? Does she know your sorry? If so, theres not much more you can do except give her some space. Good Luck!

January 4, 2001
9:25 am
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rigo
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hi to all, I just wanted to update you on things. Well, I wrote to her and explained what was happening to me over that period. Why it happened. I did have a look at the book Men are from Mars and Women are from VEnus. It gives good insights on how do we react toward certain situations. I explained to her that I was under alot of stress and was stuck in myself, had ignored her, and couldn't give the attention she deserved and apologised. I gave her couple of examples about how other people moved on with situations similar to us. Like we were spending too much time together, I didn't have time to be on my own and meet my mates etc. And in the end, I didn't tell her things to confuse her, just told her that I am sorry that I ignored you and so on and I valued her and understand her feelings. Being honest with all you guys, I was scared of asking anything from her, for instance I could have asked let's start all over again, or give us a second chance, I don;t know she should understand it from my letter. So, that's it, she read it and didn't say anything, but since then 2 days on, she seems OK, I mean she talks etc. but I think that's it, it's upto her from now on. I don't see a point on keep on explaining why I was behaving in that way, how sorry I am, do you guys?
One more thing, I am planning to move from the house that we live in together soon, it doesn't help me at all, I need my space and she needs her though it means incredible financial burden on me at the moment, I feel that I have to do it.
please let me know your comments

January 4, 2001
9:12 pm
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gingerleigh
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Moving out is a great idea, giving both of you your personal space away from the sights and scents of eachother. You'll be able to think more clearly, and by you moving out, you will be away from the environment that you associate with her so much. (She will have a rougher time of it, remaining in the place you once shared.)

Good luck, keep us posted.

January 6, 2001
9:27 am
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rigo
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Hi..Why does she want to look strong and like fridge?? I don't understand, it's as if I donot want to listen you, whatever you say fine,how stubborn she is, i really can't understand this. I am telling her tonight that I am moving out.

January 6, 2001
11:34 am
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janes
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Being strong and looking like the fridge is probably defensiveness...

From what? who knows.

Financial burdenor not moving out is a sensible alternative.

It is hard but you seem to be moving along well and keeping (or finding) your own sense of self. Tough job!

Good Luck.

j-

January 9, 2001
1:32 pm
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egg
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Hello Friend
My first piece of advice is to find Jesus. You are living in sin by not being married to her and having sex. Do not get married because you have to but because you want to. Do not taste of the fruit before you buy it. This an interpretation of Gods will for you. Move out get a relationship with God and all else will fall into place. trust in the Lord.

God Bless You
I will pray for you to do the right thing.

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