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Revenge..
December 17, 2000
2:40 pm
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Greytoday
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I broke up with My boyfriend over almost 2 months ago now. I did this not because I didn't care about him anymore but because it was an unhealthy relationship. I was way to dependent on him and I felt as if i was losing my sense of identity. We faught all the time yet the next day we acted as if nothing had ever happened. We could not agree on anything and pretty much had zero trust. This was both of our faults and it led to us doing nothing but taking stabs at each other every chance we got.. hurting each other all the time. When i said I wanted it to end he told me we should go out and have a discussion about it but i refused. It would have only made things worse.

I went through really bad depression (which i did have before the relationship) BUT it worsened once we broke up and stopped talking. I truly believed i was worthless and noone would ever love me. I stopped taking care of myself and stopped going to school. I am only 17 and I really don't have the highest self esteem. He told me i didnt do anything right and i believed it. Mostly because he is the same person who made me think i was beautiful. In my heart though I knew it couldn't be true.. I know I do things right. I just don't always make the right choices
I decided the only thing i could do was try and pick up my life and try and move on and feel better.

Well recently he has been trying to get me to meet with him and discuss things. I know if i do It will be a disaster and Do nothing but make me feel even more worthless. HE tells me that if i don't go meet with him he will get some kind of revenge. This scares me because even though i know It most likely won't be psysical I feel like he's threatening me and It isn't right. I want him to leave me alone and let me live my life. I really don't want to go meet with him Because he is not in a stable state of mind but it seems that either way i lose.. I am afraid of what he will do. What should I do???? How can I make him leave me alone with out feeling guilty about the fact that he hates me? !!!?

December 17, 2000
6:55 pm
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gingerleigh
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People in breakups can say crazy things. I don't know your ex, so I couldn't say whether you should worry about the revenge thing. However, since it upsets you so much, I would take precautions. Have you told anyone else that you trust about this? Friends? Family? At the very least, for now until you feel more comfortable, surround yourself with people you trust, for protection. If you truly do feel threatened, or if he does anything to threaten you (i.e. threatening phone calls, destroying or vandalizing your property, verbally or physically attacking you), notify the police, the way you would if it were a total stranger doing these things.

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable and safe about.

Chances are, you have nothing to worry about. UNLESS, he was physically abusive to you in the relationship. Be careful, use common sense, and tell someone you trust about your concerns. Good luck, my dear.

December 18, 2000
1:26 am
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enough is too much.. but too much is ok.
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this is absolutely wonderful.. finally she comes out to speak about her problems.. i knew that she would come to this place because on our very last conversation. i send her a link to this site.. i do believe that every problems should be solved..and be solved appropriately... i visit this site everyday mostly becuase i'm in pain. it's a suprise to find her posting here becuase just about tonight. i decided to come in and share my happiness with everyone on here and tell everyone that i'm on my way OUT!!!! : ) but before i come to share this with you guys.. let me explain why Greyday feels threaten by me.. first of all.. i dont understand why she calls me her boyfriend .. but it is an absolute honor that she calls me this because i love her very very dearly.. but she never express the same love in return.. truth is. she never really loves me.. she only tells me taht she loves me as a person. and she can never carry out her words about she truly feels about me.. leaving me very confused.. but that isn't important..

this is what i want to explain.. i'm really in love with greyday.. but i felt that i shouldn't feel this way becuase she doesn't feel the same about me.. i feel that there is alot of things that she has done wrong.. and i will explain:

i specifically told her that i have very strong feelings for her .. and she knows this. i told her countless of times. and if she doesn't feel the same about me in return. then i think it's a responsibilty for her to tell me .. and i need to back off.. but she failed to do so many times..she feels comfortable that i care for her and provide for her.. and doing this she doesn't want to lose me.. but her mentality is always on the "taking end" she is very disrespectful towards how i feel about her... she doesn't doesn't respect most of my decisions.. and if i dont give her what she wants.. hell will break lose.. she is never apologetic.. she defends herself to every inch.. while here i am. very apologetic for mistakes and very giving..and loving..

i just feel that i done alot for her and ..doing this for her, i expect something more decent in return..like her love for me. or just her caring feelings for me.. but she has alot of problems showing me this.. she very bitter towards me when we disagree..

i felt that she never really like me. and that in some sense. she uses me.. she is somewhat co-dependant.. but what bothers me most is taht.. she really never honest with me and have disrepected my feelings so many times.. she knows i love her alot..and she even went out to secretly see other boys..and she always have intentions of dating other people.. because she said that she is 17 and she has the right to do this.. i do agree that she has the right to do this..but she has no right to keep me.. i have the right to move on with my life to find someone who truly loves me..

please tell me.. where am i wrong on this? and i think there is alot to be discussed..and apologized for.. i know that i've done things to hurt her too... and i do it because i was responding to what she did to me.. if you guys are intersted. i will explain to you guys what i did wrong . because i feel that i have a duty to take responsibilty to apologize and learn..

when we last spoke to eachother. i was completely depressed. i was depressed that she is not there for me anymore. becuase i love her so much. i felt extremely lonely and suicidal.. and my life was just a wreck.. 2 months later..i felt the same way as i was..justlike yesterday.. not only was i depressed..i was extremly angry and hateful towards her.. extremely hateful..i felt that it was unfair on her side to do this to me.. i felt that she somewhat used me.. andi want to go out there and take the happiness that i gave to her.. ..and have her give it back to me. and to return this special gift that i gave to her.. i hate her for not agreeing to go out... meet me in person.. and sit down with me and talk to me.. like civilized person. name all the things we do to eachother that is harmfull.. and apologize to eachother and accept our apologies and learn from eachother.. i even asked her if she wants to see a professional..the both of us togethr talking to a professional.. but she refused... i hate her so much at this point that i can't believe she can walk away with out apologizing to eachothr. beucase i felt cheated..and i fetl used.. all i wanted for her was to sit and apologize to eachother. that would make me feel so much better.. and perhaps she would too.. her attitude was. " i dont need to have anyone tell me what to do" and of course. i can't tell her what to do..but i was so angry that i threaten her that i would slander her name all over our favorite music discussion board.. becuase if she doesn't aplogize to me.. then i can do bad things to her and not apologize too. it would only be fair.. i have no intentions of hurting her physically or anythig of the sort that gingerleigh mention.. no.. i know my limits.. i was going insane. i was going nuts. i got crazy and i was very angry... i went out for help.. a student therapist..he didn'help me much....
but here's the good news...

today, while sitting at the computer in despair.. becuase she blocked my email.. i was hopeless..and i wanted revenge..i came to realize.. and becuase of this realization.. it literally was like a pill popped insided of me and lifted the despair out of me..it's truly amazing! i came to realize that she IS SORRY FOR WHAT SHE DID! BUT SHE IS AFRAID TO SPEAK ABOUT IT BECAUSE SHE FEELS GUILTY! knowing this.. becuase it's all so true.. she has very low self exsteem and admitting to what she does wrong or aplogzing hurts her..i notice this throughout our friendship.. that the things she does wrong. she gives very little apology.. and she blocks out whatever she does wrong... beieving that it is not wrong at all..

i'm amazed that this came to me.. and all i wanted from her was to sit and discuss about things in a civilized manner.. she refused. but i dont need it anymore.. i now know what she did is wrong. and it's probable that she will learn from this.... my despair was gone.. i was lifted out of the suffocating water.. i laughed and laughed.. i ran home and played my guitar.. i began to see things more clearly .. i drove around calling everyone that i felt extremely happy..that my anger and hatred is absolutely gone! all from one realization! i started crying.. i cry this time not because of despair but becuasei was happy! i was so happy that this angry feeling and hatred is gone! haunting me for months! depriving me of sleeP! it's gone! i dont hate her anymore!

greydey shouldn't worry.. she shouldn't be scared.. it's ok.. i moved on now sweetie.. i'm not angry at you anymore.. and i'm sorry that i threaten you like that. i was in despair and i dont ahve the right to do that.. i wasn't focus. i wasnt normal.. i was sleep deprived..i was mentally ill.. it's ok now.. dont be afraid : )

this is the joy that i want to share.. it would have been brief.. but i found her post here. i'm at a friends's house and i thought i share my happiness and not come here again.. but i found her post here.. so it's great that she is finally speaking out.. she shouldn't be afaid anymore.. it's all ok now..

i now move on...i felt so great tonight that when i was walking in the mall. i felt so powerful that i can just walk up to anyone and talk about anything! but there was this unsettling feeling in side me.. this feeling that miss her.. because yes. i do miss her very dearly..i still love her.. but i feel that i dont want to anymore becuase she truly doesn't love me.. if she does. it will show.. but i dont want it anymore.. i dont want to be her friend anymore.. i feel that she disregard what i do for her. and she took everything i do very very lightly.. when here i am. completely in love with her.. i think i deserve better.. when i was in complete pain.. she wasn't even one bit sympathetic.. i was there for her every minute of the day... it's time to let go.. i will miss her alot. i love her.. but i know i can't make her love me back.. so it's time to let go..

i hope this is a good explanation.. would like to see some response to this..good or bad..i will take.. all..i dont feel like i should be here anymore becuase i feel alot better now..but i will come back to provide further discussions if necessary.. please greyday..dont suppress your feelings anymore.. please be honest.. and speak out. speak out about everything. people here and extremely nice and helpful..

i love you : )

December 18, 2000
12:43 pm
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eve
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enough,

I'm glad to hear that you are feeling better, but you still should very seriously go out and get professional help. This is so much easier when you're feeling good than when you are feeling bad, isn't it. Take your time to sleep a lot :-), relax and then get started whith counseling or in a selfhelp group in your area. Start whith your local council or whith the yellow pages.
Threatening somebody else is not something to be taken lightly. And rejocing because you notice that the other one hurts a lot, isn't either. And what's more: a counselor might help you to see what went wrong in this relationship and how you can heal so that the next relationship will be better.
Take care, Eve

December 18, 2000
12:51 pm
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eve
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greytoday,

I don't know whether enough is right or wrong in assuming that you are his ex-girlfriend. I'm feeling for you, though, because I think you mut be very hurt by what he posted (for this it doesn't matter if you are or if you aren't his ex). This site isn't meant to hurt people and it isn't meant to put private fights out into public. But if you stay, I'm sure you will also get lots of good advice.

From what you are writing I guess that you should look for professional help. It will help you build up your self worth, and deal whith those guilt trips. You are primarily responsible for yourself and not for somebody elses happiness. For the moment: find a friend, and don't stay alone, like gingerleigh suggested.
Take care, Eve

December 18, 2000
3:23 pm
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enough is too much .........
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my final words.. i feel happy that i'm not angered or depressed anymore. i just felt that the hatred inside of me was taking a toll on my life and my decisions.. i threat her becuase i was completely out of my mind. i was completely insane.. it only took me one realization to over come that and take it all away.. i have no right to threat anyone and i'm fully aware of this.. it's just that people make crazy decisions when they lose their mind.. this is the first time i experience this kind of grief in my life. so therefore .. i didn't know how to control it.. i'm perfectly fine now.. i'm terribly sorry to her that i threaten her like that.. but i also want her to understand.. that i'm not a violent person.. so she shouldn't be frighten and feel safe.. that there wont be contact between us ever again.. or any kind of threats will happen again beucase it's just now over. and i want it to be over..
i just want you guys to know that i'm happy not because i'm rejoicing over her guilt.. i'm rejoicing that she understands that there is something "wrong" .. but her fear is holding her back from coming to to have the discussion with me.. i didn't realized this at first.. i didn't understand why she refused to come out.. i thought she doesn't care about what she did.. and it hurts me alot. i just wanted to know why.. but now i understand.. and i'm rejoicing that she does undrstand.. but it's just her fear that is holding it back.. of course.. im not rejoicing about her guilt or fear.. that would be very mean.. i was only hopiong that she would understand what went wrong between us.. i just want honesty.. but it's all over now.. i'm moving on and away from this whole situation..

anyway.. lastly.i apologize for bringing this out.. i thought the power of being anonymous on here wouldn't hurt anyone. and it would be ok to discuss our problems on here beucase we are anonymous.. and being anonymous is like having a shield to protect you.. but i deeply apologize for bringing this out.. and yes i agree it should be handled professinally...

i'm done now..thanks for your input eve 🙂

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