Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
Revenge is, Living Happy
January 10, 2000
12:38 am
Avatar
cerry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If anyone read my thread on Success, Peace of mind and Contented heart, maybe you can advise me or help me understand. I have gone through hell and back and I LIVE each day as it comes for me. I do things that make me feel good about me. I went to a community production that is in its 40th year. The money goes to charity.
To be brief, I attended the first meeting thinking that it would bother me to see my ex bf. It didn't. I felt confident within myself and looked and felt great. After the rehearsal a quarter of the entertainers went to a local pub. The ex bf with my ex best friend were there. I sat with my friends and enjoyed their company. I actually enjoyed myself after going through 9 months of hell.
The just of the story is that 1 hour after my ex's left the pub, I left. I found a large stuffed animal on the hood of my car. I noticed that the stuffed animals throat had been slashed and the stuffing was all over my car. The door had a dent in it as well. I am not sure who did it but am not going to let it bother me. Do you think that because I am living HAPPY in my own place, enjoying my friends that one or even both did this because I was happy? Any comments would be appreciated. My brother-in-law who is a police officer told me to watch my back. He states that if the other parties feel I am not happy that it would bother them. They would prefer to see me miserable but I'm not. He states some people would actually try and hurt me either emotionally or physically. What do you think.
Cerry

January 10, 2000
4:41 am
Avatar
September
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cerry,
I am working with my ex-bf now. We had office romance and he left the company first but later came back again. Now we have to work together again. Actually I don't like that feeling even when I honestly ask myself that whether I like this person or not. The answer is "no. I don't like this person" but unfortunatelly, I still got feeling for him sometimes. I guess I need to change my job not for him but for myself. I am so happy for you that you are actually living happily. Make sure what you want in your life, be determined, and believe you will make it! And when you really live happily, you understant that there is no revenge necessary.

January 10, 2000
10:22 am
Avatar
everblue
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Cerry,

September, I don't think cerry wants revenge. Of course it's not necessary for her, but that doesn't mean other people don't have problems.

Cerry, you are inspirational in having taken back your life. I recommend that you make a police report about the incident. You can mention who you think might have done this. The reason is so that if anything else occurs in the future, you have a documented record of all that has happened, and if you ever end up in civil court the law is on your side because they have shown their tendencies toward anger and violence. Also, it may show them that you are serious about moving on with your life and you will not take such childish retaliation from them. I had a similar situation (but involving prank phone calls), and one police report actually stopped the situation because the cops paid them a visit to ask them a few questions. Good luck - and don't get paranoid but don't take your safety for granted around people who are so immature.

-everblue

January 10, 2000
3:09 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,

Ex boyfriend? Ex-best friend? How did it happen....those two hooking up. I had it happen to me. A little different, but very close to being the same.

You story would be much appreciated!

Broc

January 10, 2000
10:59 pm
Avatar
cerry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks September and Everblue for your inspiring words of comfort. I know why I like this site as you are able to spill everything off your plate. Everyone of us has been through trauma and I find that this site and comments make you aware of individuals going through the same things and how they resolve their problems.
To the site coordinator- thank you for this site and your assistance. Not to replace theraphy but this site is reminds me of group theraphy in away.

Broc,
It is a long story but I will try and briefly tell you that when my ex bf and I were together it was great. He had his own flat, (apartment) which was situated beside mine. On Saturdays mornings I would awaking and go to my bf's place to make his coffee. Well, it seemed that my bf who's own marriage broke down felt lonely and would be there at his place drinking coffee. My bf stated that she needed advice from a male point of view and that I should not worry about anything. I gave him too much and not enough for myself. I was stressed last year because of traumas in my life. My bf who I helped with his traumas could not help me. Rumors started out in a large community show about him and another girl. When I confronted him, instead of being supportive noted that he was angry. I think now that may have been guilt on his part. The trust I had for him slowly started to diminish. He told me that he loved me but could not trust me with his emotions, that it could destroy him. I went through the hell living in the same house for 8 months, lost my job and was very depressed. The bf would go out all the time which was not his thing. I have thought about it for sometime now. He is not worth it. There is so many of us who hang on hoping to get back together. If anything. I should thank him for giving me my independance back. I do agree that in any relationship you go through every emotion, denial, anger, depression.......I have no bitterness towards him. If anything, it was a learning experience for me. I can trust and I do have friends but I will never be taken for a fool again. Be cautious. I used to see and hear alot but just ignored the little signs. Don't lead with your heart. If you have any doubts, step back and take alook. This does not mean to be paranoid, but these little signs are helpful when you must take the next step.
If you want to know more let me know and I would be glad to help you anyway I can.
Cerry

January 11, 2000
5:26 pm
Avatar
SB
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Cerry,
I feel you should listen and act on what your brother-in-law, the police officer told you. There is no way to tell if it was a sick joke or a sick person that did these things. It could be a very in your face warning. Be safe. Change your locks and vary your routine.SB

January 11, 2000
5:36 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,

Re-read what you wrote to me. Doesn't make sense? Huh? Anyway, you didn't say how your best friend and boyfriend hooked up? How long had you been dating him? How long were you friends with her? Etc?

Thanks!
Broc

January 11, 2000
9:19 pm
Avatar
cerry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks SB for your advice.

For one, I am taking the matter seriously. I have a cell phone which I carry with me all the time. My door locks have been changed and a police officer friend makes frequent calls and visits to my house. When I do go out my neighbour is aware and watches the house. I look in the back sit of my car before I get into it and then lock the doors. I am aware of my surroundings and do take notice of many people. I never go out at night I am never alone. I have reported the incidences to the police and they are on record. I do thank you for your concern. There is alot of other things I do but I could be writing for ever.

Sorry Broc, it was late at night and I did not proof read what I wrote. Sorry.
I had been dating my bf for 5 years. We were an item. My ex-girlfriend new the both of us for about the same time. We all were in a community show together. My exgirl friend's husband left her leaving her very lonely and insecure. She would come over almost every Saturday morning and have coffee with my bf after doing her shopping. She wanted to talk with a male person as she needed answers from a male point of view. I never knew what the discussing were about only that my bf stated he was trying to help her with her feelings.
When I went through a bad time last year, my boyfriend as well as myself found it difficult to live in the same house even though he broke off. We had our names on the lease yet both had financial difficulties at the time. We were in no position to move out due to our finances. I guess he met her one day and she took him in. It was his out. Now he lives and ......with her. My understanding is that she is a very sad person who likes to disrupt peoples lives. In the last two years she broke up 3 marriages (with small children). If she was still not happy she dumped the guys and went looking again. This time she took advantage of his feelings and now has him living with her. She tends to buy love or thinks so.
Do you understand now?
Basically, she always came over at the wrong times and interupted our quality time together. He was vulnerable and took the bate.
Cerry

January 12, 2000
11:58 am
Avatar
SB
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,
I feel better knowing you are keeping safe. Sounds like you are on top of things. Good Luck. SB

January 17, 2000
1:27 pm
Avatar
Jaskid
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,
I read your other thread and commented. Go back and look.

Sounds to me like they both deserve each other. Let them live in their miserable lives together....it won't last long I can tell you that. Stay strong friend...they will try to find ways to bring you down but don't let them ruin the inner peace you have found with yourself. I believe in you and know that no matter what comes your way you will face it...accept it and move on and build a life full of joyfull experiences you will learn from and make your character even stronger! Take care... I will e-mail you soon.

:)Jaskid

January 17, 2000
5:53 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,

Thanks for the reply! I experienced almost the identical thing. My best friend (Jim), and my ex-girlfriend (Shannon). He was still married at the time (last April); his wife was 8 months pregnant. They were together 10 years, married for 5. Shannon and I dated off and on for almost four years. Jim and I best friends for 12 years.

Like Jaskid said. It won't last long, and the time that it does last, will be full of the SAME shit you experienced with him. And that is a fact jack! Like I keep saying: If nothing changes, nothing changes. He will keep doing the same shit over and over and over, and so will she. They will repeat.

At the time it happened to me, it hurt very bad. I thought I missed somehting with her, and that Jim found the jewel. After all, he gave up a best friend, a wife, and child for her. Right? Wrong! He is an asshole. A liar, and cheater. After I thought about it, it REALLY didn't suprise me. He had done it to his ex-wife AT LEAST 20 times....never got caught. I know, I was there. My ex., shannon, she too repeated her pattern. Her whole life, starting with her father running off with another woman when she was 17, inlcuding all the men since then, had the common denominators: lieing, cheating, and leaving. Gee, coincidently so did her dear ol' dad. She is repeating her lifes wounds trying to master them, and so are your ex. and his girlfriend. They won't. And they, like Shannon and Jim will NEVER have a happy life, especially with a partner. They will go through each other, JUST AS JIM AND SHANNON DID. They will go through one after another...blaming it one the person they are with when the whole time the solution to their problems and misery lie right in front of them...literally, in the mirror. But until the Shannons and Jims of the world STOP, turn the attention inward as we all have...
they are forever doomed to repeat. Sad, but true. Pity them, and live the good life that we here, and others like us, have found!

Smiles!
Broc

January 18, 2000
7:25 pm
Avatar
mcg
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi everyone,

I forgot my password I guess and had to log on again with another nickname. So I am Cerry but had to use mcg.

Broc, Thank you for your honesty and help. I do believe that what comes around goes around and I just found out that my ex now has moved in with our ex boarder. The ex is no longer living with my ex girlfriend as she has moved into a NEW home but is still friends with him.
Last night I went to the community theater to do rehearse with the other dancers for the show that we put on every year. My ex boyfriend was there. It was a little hard at times to concentrate but I enjoyed myself. There were many girls there, some young and beautiful and some not. My ex has not seen me for approximately 4 months. I have lost alot of weight and feel good inside and out. I do like the way I look now. Guys are coming on to me. You could almost sense that he was looking at me but stayed his distance. He is a quiet guy in the first place, and I interacted with my friends as if he was not there. After the rehearsal I left. It did this time bother me a bit to see him. I would rather not see him at all now. I have my own place, a job and enjoy my time to myself.
Thanks
Cerry

January 21, 2000
6:41 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,

Good for you! It really makes me smile to see the growth.

I do want to throw out a little warning, and I will use myself as an example.

Last year, as I have mentioned, was horrible. My last breakup (for good) with Shannon, all of OUR friends who were MY friends first sided with her. FELT SORRY for her kind of a thing. Of course, I did this to myself. She was mean, petty, jealous, and vindictive....to me. Never or rarely in front of them. So, all they knew was the fun loving, kind, etc. Shannon. Anyway, it has turned out to be a blessing. You see, I found out that to make this change, one that your doing right now to become healthy to enable yourself to make healthy changes, you REALLY need to change. Not just think about it. Not just read or talk about it like we always have in the past, but to REALLY do it! So, that involves a total makeover. I couldn't be around those idiots because of the way THEY act. Their morals and values are completely f-cked up! I know, I use to be one of them! So, I kept to myself, DID NOT DATE AT ALL, for 7 monhts. If you want to succeed at this, you must do the same. You have realized your problems, and are now healing. It takes at least 8-12 months to even begin to get your bearings. To know what to do, and how to do it, in your new healthy way. Does that make sense?

You mentioned other guys looking your way, etc. How it feels. Keep in mind that you are still vulnerable. How nice it would be to have someone in your life. Of couse it would. But even though you have come this far, you still need to go a little further. If you don't, you RISK the change of repeating your pattern of man you end up with. I studied this stuff for a solid six months, no sex, no dating, nothing. I thought I "knew" the score, but I didn't. I picked another girl almost shannons twin (acting, no looks). Thank god it only took me about 3 months to see it and get out. Shannon was 3 1/2 years. I did repeat, but AT LEAST I cut down on the time. So, I gave it a few more months, and ventured out again. I have found a WONDERFUL woman who is everything I never wanted. PERFECT! That means the old familar feeling is gone, and thats what we want....you, I, and the rest. Remember, we unconscioulsy seek out the familar.

Sorry to ramble. Those of you who know me know I do that.

Just stay on your path. Learn learn learn about you. When you figure that out, I MEAN REALLY figure that out, men, friends, you name it will come to you. Healthy ones! Someone told that to me a long time ago. And you know what? It is the truest truth I have found.

Smiles!
Broc

January 21, 2000
9:50 pm
Avatar
cerry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Broc,

I agree with you a 100% and I thank you for your words of wisdom and honesty. I have taken steps forward. If you can believe this ... My whole life has changed in every way. I look at life differently. I have done things for myself and feel really good. I mentioned that the guys are looking. It does something for your self esteem. They can look and look but for now thats what they will do. I spend alot of time by myself doing the things I like to do. I plan not too far into the future but enough so I am on track. I am not looking for anyone at this time nor will I look. I AM learning about me. I like to feel and look good inside and out. I am taking care of me. I have learned that the pattern of men that I dated and had relationships with had luggage. Sounds weird, but I rescued them. When they got on their feet, they didn't need me anymore. I now, have rescued me. I have made friends and now have changed my mind about men. Yes, I will date again one day and maybe even have a relationship. Yes, I know I am vulnerable presently and I am not rushing. This May, will be one year gone since it all happened.
You were right though; I found out that my ex is not happy and is leaving his child with his ex wife and going home to the U.K. It is sad but I wish him well.
Maybe you can help me. I had a great Christmas and New Year. The friends I met are really nice. There was a guy among them who is also going through what I had gone through. He likes me but states he doesn't want a relationship right now but wants sex and to cuddle. He lives 1 hour away and visits on weekends with his brother. He states that he is too busy and trying to find himself and get his life together. He likes himself. We have hugged but what do you think of what he says? He is interested but does not want a relationship. I am not ready for one but would like to be his friend. Some people tell me I have a heart of gold. Maybe one day down the road I wouldn't mind going further. I don't understand where he is coming from. I will be his friend but for now that is it.
QUESTION: When do you know when you are ready?
Thank you
Cerry

January 24, 2000
8:12 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,

Hmmm. Your ex had a wife and kid. I think you left out that little tidbit. Can you elaborate the whole scenerio? How long they were together, where you came in, etc. Just curious?!

When do you know when you are ready? Wow, thats a big question young lady. I can only speak for myself... I asked the same question to both of my therapists, and got the same answeer. First, they told me to wait AT least 8 months, preferrably one year. AND, in that time, continue therapy, reading, group, CODA, and anything else I could do to better my understanding of ME!

Now, as I mentioned before, i waited about 7 months. I would have waited longer, but I came across a girl that "talked the talked". She was in counseling, knew about issues, on and on and on. One problem. She was book smart, thats all. She didn't practice what she had/was learning. After I got to know "the real" her, her petty, jealous behaviors came bursting out. (Gee, just like Shannon, go figure?!) Yes, I had repeated my pattern... I choose the SAME type of woman. I am just like you Cerry in that I am a caretaker. I love projects. (We'll get into more of that later) Anyway, I "thought" I was ready, and in a way I was, but not "all" the way there. Now what I mean? It was good practice for me. I needed to make that first step back out into the forest. I stumbled, but didn't fall, just scraped my kneee. I took me a half a dozen breakups with Shannon over 3.5 years before I learned mylesson, with "Becky" it only took about three months. So, the negative, I choose the "same" type girl. The positive, I severly cut down on the learning curve.

See what I am getting at? Its been my experience, ALOT of it, that tells you this. You are ready after about 8-12 months of learning this stuff. Just like school. Then you graduate and go out and dip your foot in the pool of life. Hey, good analogy! hee hee Anyway, as you know, school doesn't TOTALLY prepare you. It give you a great base to work from. Just like this stuff. Your counseling, and books, etc. will show you what you used to do, what you now NEED to do, and how to go about doing it. After several months of that, of really really getting to know this stuff, then your ready to venture out.

BUT BUT BUT, be super duper careful because the odds are probably 99% that the initail guy, maybe even the first few, will be the old pattern type. However, as with me, you will pickup on it relatively shortly. And, had I listened to my couslor, I would have gotton out after about 3 weeks. The rest was me denying the reality because I was lonely. Learn from my mistake, ok?

I hope I am making sense. And as far as this guy goes, if it were me, I would pass. And beleive me, its not easy. I was there just a short time ago. But as my couslors BOTH say, it is easier for others to see the duck in the man rather than you. Your probably like me. Just want a "friend". No you don't Cerry. You want the deal. If you didn't, we wouldn't be talking right now. And you know what, that is all right! You and the rest deserve to have what we want in life. But you need to remember that you have to work for it, AND now, from now on, do it the RIGHT way, the HEALTHY way. There are red flags all over this guy.

He wants what every pig, yes pig of a man wants. I know, I WAS not only a memeber, I was the president. I treated woman like shake and bake bags. I used that same line on tons of girls/woman over about 10 years.

Lets look at your words for a sec.!

There was a guy among them who is also going through what I had gone through. He likes me but states he doesn't want a relationship right now but wants sex and to cuddle.

1. Name ONE man in the world that wouldn't want what he is asking for? Let me translate for you what a guy really means by this.

"I am lonley, I am horny, I want to screw you at my convenience without any commitment from me."

Thats it Cerry. Sad but true. My girlfriend I met a few months ago. I'll tell you about it. Before my "awakening", I was just like your friend. Hey, I was a nice guy. And, for the most part, very caring. But I had my own agenda, especially with woman. Ever heard of this saying? Why buy the cow when the milk is so cheap? Get the drift?

A healthy man doesn't do what he is asking for. Thats a fact. I have not had sex with my current g.f. I repsect her too much to do that. I WILL not treat her like a tramp. And I don't care how you want to look at it, thats what you guys would be doing. Plus, depending on your religious beliefs, premartial sex is a sin. But thats another discussion.

Man, I do ramble.

Bottom line. I feel that I am about 75% healthy now. I know what I did, and why, and have spent really the last four monhts or so focused on just me. I met my current gf in a group couseling meeting. She goes to therapy, couseling, reads, and works her ass off JUST LIKE I DO. THAT IS WHAT IT TAKES. IF THIS GUY ISN'T DOING AT OR ABOVE YOUR LEVEL, THAN IN MY OPINION, PASS IT UP. JUST BE FRIENDS AND THATS IT. IF HE IS GENIUNE, HE WILL REPSECT THAT. KNOWING GUYS LIKE I DO, HE WILL PROBABLY PASS. GRADUALLY WEAN HIMSELF AWAY FROM YOU. ITS NOT YOU! REMEMBER THAT! ITS ABOUT HIM IF THAT HAPPENS.

YOU ARE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE THAT IS JUST LIKE YOU. SOMEONE THAT, BY HIMSELF, HAS SOUGHT OUT WHAT YOU HAVE. BY HIMSELF! ONLY WHEN A PERSON DOES IT FOR THEIRSELVES WILL IT EVER WORK OUT FOR THEM. IF HE IS, THEN GREAT. GROW TOGETHER. SEX ONLY, AND I REAPEAT ONLY DOES TWO THINGS. HELPS IN REPRODUCING, AND JUST FEELS GREAT. YOU NOT BABY HUNGRY, SO IT MUST BE THE LATER. THEY MAKE GREAT DEVICES FOR THAT. I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS.

PROCEED WITH CAUSTION. NO SEX. NO CUDDLING, BECASUE WE ALLLLLL KNOW WHAT LEADS TOO!

BUT, YOU WILL ULTIMATELY DO WHAT YOU WANT. I JUST HOPE YOU HAVEN'T COME THIS FAR TO GIVE IN TO HUMAN WHIMS. BE BETTER THAN THAT. BE BETTER THAN YOU USED TO BE. YOU PREVIOUS BEHAVIORS GOT YOU INTO NOTHING BUT TROUBLE AND HEARTACHE. REMBER THAT. BECAUSE IT IS VERY EASY TO JUSTIFY THOSE WHIMS, AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, YOU BACK TO BEING THE LOVE JUNKY YOU WERE BEFORE!

OUT-

January 26, 2000
6:46 pm
Avatar
cerry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Broc

No, you do make alot of sense and no you do not babbly on and on and on. I have noticed the signs and I am very cautious. I guess there is nothing wrong with just going out for a movie and dinner and that is it. I know I have changed, but life is a continous lesson.
I don't want to be used or hurt like the last relationship and yes I agree getting yourself together is the most important aspect beforing going anywhere. Yes, alot of people get lonely, not in the sense of being alone but would like to eventually find the right person. I too am a caregiver but I wonder how you determine that when you first meet someone. I guess after a couple of weeks you start to see the signs?
I usually go overboard trying to help people in general and then too tired to do for myself. I have been doing alot of things for myself lately. I am out almost every week night getting involved with I love best. My music, writing, singing, dancing, and charitable organizations. I usually go out one night through the week and let my hair down. I have fun with my friends, male and female. These people are just friends and do care as they have helped me with numerous things.
Thank you for being honest with me. I was brought up with good values. I was brought up not to call guys and I guess I will do that. If they really want me they will have to fight to see me.
In regards to the ex having an ex:

I met both of them first. I was there friend and tried to help them with their marriage. I would babysit for them at my house. I have two children, teenage boys. It is common knowlegde that the relationship was going down hill before I even met them.
They were married for 5 years. They both had different lives and could'nt live together anymore. I didn't start dating him until 6 months after their divorce as she was getting married? Do you believe it. Now she just had another child. Married only for 1 year. The ex sought me out. He had his own place and I had mine. I guess the trouble happened when we moved in together. It seems that way. The other thing was the boarder who lived with us. The ex and I did not have anytime to ourself.

I will take your advice. I am backing away. I need my space but I don't mind a date without sex either. Thanks friend. I understand.
Cerry

February 8, 2000
9:15 pm
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,

A year ago I was SOOOOOOO amazed at how "this stuff" worked. I didn't believe that we humans were so predictable. I told the groups I went to that they were brainwashed. I told my couslors, both of them, they were full of shit. And I told people at this site, yeh, whatever!

But as time went on, and I paid attention, I began to realize that we ALL, those that are dysfunctional, have the SAME problems..... I mean the same, but with small differences. Kind of like roses. A rose is a rose, but they come in different colors. See?

I read your last post and chuckled. Boy, once again your story rang true with me, the books I have read, my couselors teachings, groups, seminars, etc........

You are not alone. Nice to know, huh?

Anyway, we caregivers will ALWAYS be caregivers! Just like people that smoke, even if they quit, are still nicotine addicts, or alcoholics with alcohol. What MUST be done is recovery. Therapy! God, I can't stress that enough. (If you can afford it (Hazza))

You are an addict. So am I and everyone else here. Drugs and alcohol are the best known ones, but there are some others now getting more attention than ever before. Love addiction/relationship addiction is very common. One of the more stonger codependent characteristics.

You see, we addicts grew up with screwed up beliefs. How to get attention, love. How to feel safe How to be kind. We don't really know how. It is our fault. Hell no! Our parents. Yes and no. We got this shit from them, BUT they got it from theirs, and so on!

Getting off the track again. Sorry.

What the bottom line is is this.

Therapy will uncover these your unique issues (dysfunctions). THEN AND ONLY THEN will you be able to put a plan of action together to rid yourself of these issues. Some of them will never fully go away, BUT you will get to the point to where you will "see" your issues pop up. Then you will be able to take appropriate (healthy) actions.

For me, I will always be codependent. I will always be an addict. BUT, the main difference, say between the new BROC and say my old girlfriend shannon, is that I am an aware codependent, and she isn't. She has no idea what the hell is going on. Why she keeps failing, etc. I, on the other hand, know what I know. I know better. Once I figured it out, what my issues were, I doubled my effort. I began working furioulsy to eliminate my old fucked up behaviors and replaced (and still repalcing) with new, healthier ones. I am ALWAYS catching myself acting out old behaviors. BUT, knowing what I know, I can see them immediately, chuckle, apoligize if need be, say a few at-a-boys for catching it, and move on. People like my old g.f. won't EVER do that and will stay stuck forever.

AND THAT FOLKS IS A GURANTEE! 100%. You will repeat your patterns over and over until one of two things happen. You get some help, or die.

SO my dear Cerry, keep up the work. You will get better at this new way of life. I promise you that. You know to much now to ever go back.

Love,
Broc

February 10, 2000
12:21 am
Avatar
cerry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Broc,

I did take your advice. I told the this guy in a nice way that I had to much respect for myself to be taken for granted, used and be hurt. I told him that I would like to have time for me and I don't want to just jump in the hay to enjoy myself. I talked with him for the longest time. I pointed him in the right direction right out the door.
Just to mention, I go to this bar (I am not a bar person) but I go every week just to let my hair down. I feel relaxed, enjoy my new friends and don't take any shit.. from anyone. I go out every week to do what I love most. I sing. I want to learn more about body mechanics, dynamics and stage presentation. I met this guy one week who tells me he wants a relationship and he loves my voice. I explained that I was previously in a relationship and do not want one now as I am taking care of me, my needs. Yes, one day I would like to meet someone but right now I am not ready. I have good friends and right now thats all I need. I don't want bagage. Well, the following week I met some of my co workers at this bar. I sat with them having a good conversation. The guy that I just mentioned was there and sat at our table. He didn't say much but learned afterwards that he did not have nice words to say about me. The drift was that I "GET AROUND". No, I just want to enjoy myself. I believe this individual was jealous that I was sitting with my friends and that he was rejected. I will return to the bar to sing and I won't care about what others say about me because I believe in me and that I'm not like that. I have been approached by many men and now I just nicely say thank you but at this time I am not interested. I am keeping myself very busy these days and I am looking for a more permanent job. I like my space by myself but at times get down. I than call a friend and we go out and maybe sing or a movie. Nothing more. I can't believe how stupid I was to think that this individual only wanted to see me for sex. Well he can play with himself for all I care. I don't need an anchor. I like me and at times I have noticed including my family that I am a stronger person with out these men in my life. I just have to learn how to read the signs. I'm learning. Wish me luck, tomorrow I am recording one of my copywritten songs. It is being published. That's my dream.
Cerry

February 10, 2000
7:58 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well done Cerry,
it is so typical what you said about people talking about you behind your back just because you have rejected their advances, they need to grow up.
Remember those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.

Broc, you are so right about being aware of your behaviour. I am always catching myself about to repeat past behaviour patterns and have to stop myself in the nick of time! Ususally trying to "care" for others, and trying to "fix" things when really it isn't my job to do it and they should be "fixing" it for themselves, i keep feeling that i am being really selfish but i know that it is really normal and before i would just run aroung trying to fix up eveyone else and do nothing for me. I have noticed how much people around me try to manipulate me into doing things for them or supporting them finalcially, i am slowly learning to not feel guilty for saying no. But it isn't easy, like you say we will always be this way we need to re-learn how to behave in a healthy way and ignore our co-dep instincts.
Peace to both of you,
Hazza

February 10, 2000
7:59 am
Avatar
hazza
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well done Cerry,
it is so typical what you said about people talking about you behind your back just because you have rejected their advances, they need to grow up.
Remember those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.

Broc, you are so right about being aware of your behaviour. I am always catching myself about to repeat past behaviour patterns and have to stop myself in the nick of time! Ususally trying to "care" for others, and trying to "fix" things when really it isn't my job to do it and they should be "fixing" it for themselves, i keep feeling that i am being really selfish but i know that it is really normal and before i would just run aroung trying to fix up eveyone else and do nothing for me. I have noticed how much people around me try to manipulate me into doing things for them or supporting them finalcially, i am slowly learning to not feel guilty for saying no. But it isn't easy, like you say we will always be this way we need to re-learn how to behave in a healthy way and ignore our co-dep instincts.
Peace to both of you,
Hazza

February 15, 2000
11:37 am
Avatar
BROC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cerry,

Good for you. STAY ON THE PATH. That is the MOST important thing. But when you stray, yes when and not if, don't beat yourself up. Just hop back on and move forward. Like hazza does, just catch yourself. One word of warning though. The thing with codependency is this. IT IS IN EXTREMES. IT MEANING YOUR BEHAVIOR. No gray area, which is what we codependents HAVE to find if there is ever to be peace and serenity. It is known as balance. See? Not taking anyones shit is fine, but remember, you are in the leaning process, and that will take a year or two. Its fine to stand your ground and do for you, just watch your behavior and find a balance. BALANCE!

Hazza, I do the same. Always catching myself too. Its so hard sometimes, I wonder if it will ever just start happening without so much effort. I am beating myself up lately. Think I should know better by now. But as I said to Cerry, it takes time. Boy does it.

Broc

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
52 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109357

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

nickDazy, gracielaem1, KarenBuild, BerangerQ, dtheifDazy, melanyushkaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer