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Revelation - We broke up this weekend..I must move on now.
September 12, 2005
6:30 am
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Regret
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Rev.,

(((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))

Goodmorning. I know you do not feel too good right now but you have been able to get up, get dressed and get to work. That is a huge achievement and I want you to recognise that. After all the drama, many people would curl up in bed and nurse their depression but you have gotten yourself to work and that is no mean achievement. You are doing well.

Secondly, you are working through this whole thing in a rational way- taking your part of the blame and trying to understand where he has come from. Many people wouldn't be able to think so straight under these circumstances. That is another huge plus and I would love for you to note that as well.

Now, to the issue of the day. How i wish we could wish the anxieties off but we cannot- not right away. However, that too will pass my friend. Please stop whatever you are doing for a few minutes (when you have some time) and take long deeeeeeeep breaths. Breathe from your stomach- long and then breathe out. My mom taught me this as part of meditation. It has the ability to calm you as well as sweep out a lot of stuff from within.Open your mouth and breathe out if it is all too much for you. I will suggest that you do this for longer periods when you get home. However, while at work, you can stop ever so often to do this when you feel the attacks coming. If it helps and you would want to do some more excercises such as this, we can hop on to Lib Brew to discuss more. Can you get green tea at work? If you can, please drink a mug. That and the deep breaths should help calm you down some. If not, get a bottle of water and drink.

I would also like to comment on his running away to his family and not you. Comfort zones are not always places which are good for people- take for example alcohol, drugs and sex addiction. Yet, the people who run to these do so because this is the only "safe" place for them. It doesn't matter how he was treated etc. . .they have been a constant in his life. He can always run to his parents' home and shut out everything else. With you, with others, he would have to deal with the issues. This is the difference. Whereas in one situation he can go, pull down the blinds and "escape", with others, he has to deal with it- take responsibility, analyse stuff, apologise, make up. That is too much work for some people and you are right that he has stuff to deal with. It is not you-we all have our issues and he has his as you rightly mention.

Hang in there dear friend. I will check in here from time to time. I also want you to know that i have said a prayer for you and hope that you will get through today just fine.

Peace and love to you.

Reg

September 12, 2005
7:27 am
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revelation
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Regret...thanks so much. There's so much I'd like to say to thank you....I'm cutting and pasting the bit about his family into my file. I need to know that.

September 12, 2005
9:27 am
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Rev.,

Glad to have been of some help. How is it going? Hang in there!! The day will be ending pretty soon and that will mean another victory. Every minute counts. And prayers are still going up - I pray that it should be resolved according to the will of God.

HugsXXXXXXXXXX

September 12, 2005
9:52 am
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revelation
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Hi Regret,

I'm ok at the moment...like I say its minute to minute!
Look, I looked into my future with T and I really don't like what I see.

I think....I'm not positive...but I think...I don't want him back.

September 12, 2005
12:29 pm
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Rev,
I am proud of you! I am fairly new here and I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers too. Regret is right- the breathing is really good. Anxiety sucks, I have been in that type of situation myself and called and called, he evenutally changed his number, that was really hard and also when I started going to therapy, I got on Lexapro and it worked for me. You don't have to figure it all out today, just get through this minute and then the next one and soon you will be through an hour, then a day. It all adds up. (((((REV))))you are thought of and cared about! We are here for you!

September 12, 2005
12:38 pm
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depressionsucks78
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hugs to you rev. i have had a horrible weekend, but came here to try to make sense of everything, i'm on my way now to find a therapist.

just wanted to let you know i was thinking about you.

~ds78

September 12, 2005
12:44 pm
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revelation
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Y'know what....yeh I called, about 7 times...in the 2 days after the break-up TWO DAYS!!! Isn't that "only human" behaviour????
He wouldn't answer.

It makes me feel like some kind of FREAK, because now he's changed his number.

He's soooooooo scared....why???

September 12, 2005
1:23 pm
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Dear, sweet, revs,

It is all so early in the process. I don't want to sound harsh my love--but it really doesn't matter what he is thinking or doing. What matters is what YOU are feeling, thinking. When we spend time trying to sort out their feelings, emotions, actions, it serves as a distraction. It is distracting us from dealing with our own feelings.

That is the greatest benefit of no contact. It MAKES us focus on us. We are facing feelings that we have denied or buried for a long time. I can't say it enough--I was painful, but it gave me great clarity, about him and our relationship.

Love to you revs. Don't call him. Call everyone else. Get yourself through the withdrawal.

2b

September 12, 2005
1:38 pm
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gayle
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Rev, 2b is right- this is YOU time! Sick as it sounds its probably easier for him to have no contact because its easy for him to think of himself. You have a therapy appt tomorrow, right? That will help you aolt- my therapist really helped me to learn how to think about myself. as codependants it is so HARD to do that. Find a hobby, reaquaint yourself with friends you haven't talked to in a while. I like to read so I curl up with a good book. Take a hot bath. Anything that takes care of you and takes the focus off of him. You can do this honey. It takes time but today is better than yesterday and tomorrow will be better than today. If you fall back and try to contact him, don't beat yourself up, just decide you will have a fresh start from that point forward. You can do it and we are with you!

September 12, 2005
2:35 pm
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((((((Sweet Rev))))))

You are in my prayers. I know the NC is very difficult. I think 2B can help you a lot since she went thru all this hard stuff only a few months ago. I pray for God's will in this relationship and that you will be able to discern His will easily.

XOXOXO~Ras~

September 12, 2005
3:36 pm
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Rev.,

Sorry I had to go off to a class. You know what, now more than ever, I believe that until he works on himself, the two of you cannot be an item. He doesn't know how to communicate in a language you understand. I don't think that he is in a hurtfree period. He is dealing with it his way. I don't know if his way is the right way or not but imagine living in a marriage like this. Nothing happens to God's children by chance. Today, it is painful but down the line, you will realise the significance. I know you are off and probably home now. My prayers are with you ok?

I will be here tommorrow. Let us know how you feel. Congrats! You have pulled through yet another day!!!

Reg.

September 13, 2005
4:46 am
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revelation
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Yeh...I should'nt be thinking about him and what he's thinking. Last night I went to my older sisters and it was great! We chatted and chatted...we talked about me and T and she said some stuff I already knew but needed to hear and it strengthened my resolve. I told her about the panic attacks as she suffered from them to, she gave me some good advice...then we just chatted about her holidays and what I was gonna do in the future and y'know positive stuff....I felt really good after that. The last thing I said to her was...ok, I'm feeling good, but, the last thing I'm going to say to you is this...I have a gut feeling he's going to contact me, could me tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, but eventually he will. She says...we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Just concentrate on getting you back to being you.

I'm trying gals, I really am.

I got some bach's rescue remedy for that panicky feeling I get in the morning, it takes the edge off.

I'm trying, trying trying....

September 13, 2005
5:28 am
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hey, thewall-

Take this as my right to be assertive. Instead of hanging your shingle in here, why don't you come clean and tell us what your credentials are that make you qualified to hand out advice. Just because you worked in a hosp, doesn't mean you are even a licensed or certified psych, an MSW, and LCSW, or even have a master's degree. You might have a Bachelor's in psych and not be able to get a real job in psych. So, who are you? Anyone with real credentials in psych would be hesitant to hand out advice to people they never met, especially concerning drugs. So, fess up, thewall. Who are you, and what are your qualifications? This is bordering on malpractice, in my opinion. People in need are desperate for any advice they can get. Don't prey on them. IF you had a real practice, I doubt you would have time to come in here. If you are here for support like the rest of us, then just stop with the narcisism and say so. You are no better than the rest of us. Professor Dr. Neshie, Ph.D. with Tenure (yeah, that was overkill)

September 13, 2005
5:40 am
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revelation
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Hi Nesh....I'm a bit confused by that last post??

September 13, 2005
5:44 am
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revelation
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Oh ok...I saw "the walls" post.

I'm on the lexapro no for five days and its ok. I am getting these hot flushes every once in a while but thats all. I am only going to take them once a day for a month and then once every two days for two weeks and once every three days for two weeks so that I can ease myself off them gradually.

Thank for the advice though...I am wary of anti-d's and I am watching carefully for side-effects as are my family.

God I miss him....I want to talk to him so bad.

September 13, 2005
7:02 am
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Regret
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(((((((((((((((Rev.)))))))))))))))))))
You are doing well!!! I just wanted ypu to know that i am here, have read your post, feel your pain and also know that you are on the right path.

All will be well.

September 13, 2005
7:06 am
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revelation
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Hi Reg,

Just having a major panic.....It seems to happen the closer it gets to lunchtime, because I am having real problems with food. I feel hungry but then when I smell the food it makes me heave and I can't even bear but a few mouthfuls...its awful. Also, all my work colleagues sit together and chit-chat over lunch...I just can't get it together right now to be in their company. So...I just took a yoghurt and an apple back to my desk and I'm eating it there. I just can't face it today. I've got counselling at 5.30 this evening and I can't wait...I feel like I will unleash an ocean of tears when I get there.....

September 13, 2005
7:17 am
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Regret
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Sweet Rev.,

Deep deep breaths. Tea, water. I studied in UK for a yr and as i worked as well, i kinda understand the lunch time thing with colleagues. They understand and even if they don't, it doesn't matter. It is YOU time now. I am sorry for the attacks.

Long, deep breaths my dear. I am praying with you. This too shall pass.

(((((((((((((((Rev.))))))))))))))))))

September 13, 2005
7:29 am
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Thanks regret...thanks so much. You don't know how much of a help you are...I'm starting to calm...just now, I won't cry...I'm hungry but I can't eat. I'm ok, I'm confused...I can't concentrate...but...I'm gonna be ok.

September 13, 2005
9:08 am
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Hey revs....

Just wanted to give you the play-by-play of my recovery after the break up.

Month One (April 1, 2005): Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. Adrenaline flowing through my body...Heart racing, especially at night. Couldn't think or work for that matter. Spent a lot of time with coworkers talking about what happened. Began seeing my counselor--twice a week. Found this web site and

Months one and two: Could not stand to be around anything that reminded me of him, us, the relationship. Could not stand to be around my family or friends. My tolerance for anything was very short. I cried constantly. Began deepening my spirituality to relieve the pain. Prayed. Began visits once a week with an 85 year old man, a dear friend of mine.

Month three: Began spending a lot of time with my friend John who has let me cry on his shoulder since day one. Took a couple of mini-trips. Still unable to function and perform the daily tasks like cleaning the house. Went on three dates with a guy. It was horrible. Began strict no contact at the beginning of the month.

Month Four: This was the worst month of all. It was the lowest of low. I felt suicidal. I believe this site saved my life, and my friend John. And prayer. Faith. Hope. I can't believe how much I cried. The last weekend of July, I cried for 72 hours straight. It had been about seven weeks of no contact. That was the break through. After that weekend, I was a different person. I planned a trip to meet some friends and actually looked forward to it. Made up my mind to be a happy, grateful, upbeat person again. At this point, I had spent $165 on self-help books.

Month five: Continued counseling, signed up for an internet dating service, continued visiting my 84 year old friend, called friends that I hadn't seen for months and in some cases, years. Started enjoying the mundane things in life. Went grocery shopping for the first time in five months!

Month six: Now. Ended my sessions with the counselor. Dating casually. Beginning some new hobbies: knitting, guitar, and hip-hop dance lessons.

I am happier and more content than I have been in years. I have wonderful visits with my family. I cannot believe that I feel the way I do. Do I still miss him? Of course. But this is my life now. What he is doing has no bearing on what I am doing.

I also have to say that I have never been closer to my family. I had shut them out for more than ten years because my ex did not feel comfortable around them and refused for the most part to spend any time including holidays with them. The counseling has helped so much with that.

Just my story, revelation. Hope this gives you some insight into the process. I don't take meds--I refused. I wanted to see if I could do it on my on. Not saying that I didn't consider it. I just wanted to see if I could make it with talk therapy.

Love to you--2b

September 13, 2005
9:42 am
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Regret
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Rev.
(((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Have you prayed about the hurt? Have you tried handing it over? It doesn't have to be a long prayer. Sometimes, simply handing it over helps. Hand it over to God. Of course, there is a lot to do physically to get back to normal but prayer serves as an anchor which keeps us from drowning.

One day at a time my dear. . .you are strong and will surely survive this.

September 13, 2005
9:46 am
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I'm going to go to church this sunday, I'm praying all the time.

I feel the need to ask god for forgiveness for some reason, I keep thinking I'm being punished.

September 13, 2005
9:52 am
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Revelation,

I've been keeping up with your struggle on this thread. I read daily and think of you often, but I haven't felt I could offer any better advice than all of the wonderful people on this site.

I don't have any profound words of wisdom and can't suggest any magic pill to make it all better. I just want to say that what you are going through is normal and unfortunately, it is necessary!! You NEED to go through all of these things in order to truly move on.

I felt the panic, the anxiety, the depression, the loss of appetite, the inability to concentrate at work or focus on anything for longer than 3 seconds. My mind would jump from one thing to the next, my heart would race... then I'd just want to sleep. I lost interest in EVERYTHING!! I wanted to lie down, close my eyes and open them again when it was all better!!!! I couldn't stand being in my own skin any longer!! I didn't see an end to the overwhelming pain I was feeling... but you know what??? Every day it got a little bit better.

It's been 6 months and I am now ME again!! I smile (for REAL) and laugh (without having for force it). I am hopeful about my future and I am able to think about my life without HIM in it (without crying).

I am thinking of you... You will get through this! Don't feel bad about yourself if you fall backwards (by calling him or driving by)... It's all part of the process. You'll do what you need to do to make it through. The healing process is different for all of us and we all get to the other side in our own way, in our own time!

Just try and stay strong and KNOW that there is a light at the end of the horribly dark tunnel!!!!

((((((TC))))))))

September 13, 2005
9:54 am
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revelation
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Hi,

It helps so much to know that others have been through this and have gotten better.

Thanks all so much.

September 13, 2005
10:17 am
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Regret
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Rev.,

I am happy to know that u are thinking of going to church- it is not as if that is the magic wand (as I am sure you know but it is a place to begin).

It is easy to feel that you are being punished when things turn out wrong. However, wrong is only how we perceive it. Because we are unable to see into tommorrow, we consider what ever falls short of our expectations to be less. Yet, sometimes, our disappointments can be the best thing for us. I think I wrote my story on this board when i first got on here. i will re-write it for you.

I was seeing a wonderful guy- lecturer, lawyer and working on his doctorate. He was all i ever prayed for (or so I thought). We were both dedicated to serving God and agreed to no sex b4 marriage. Well, out of the blue, he becomes cold- won't talk, won't call, won't check on me. He lived on teh ground floor of the same building complex i lived in. It was hell. When I questioned him, he told me he was under stress. Time passed. he stopped picking my calls. Asked me for a break to think/pray. He left for the states, came back and still NC with me. I called him, went to see him and he told me " After prayer, God told me that we should be friends". I was shocked out of my wits. i was angry with God. I went to my office crying. I told my boss I wanted to resign- we worked in the same university so I couldn't bear meeting him on the campus. To get my mind off this jerk, one of my friends sent me a call for proposals. I applied (although i had just ten days left). I got the scholarship and I am in teh third year now. Next year, I will have a doctorate. i was home for vacation in 2003 and he comes to me and wants to start again. Did I give him the time of day? You guess! Well,, in the end, I realised he wasn't who he said he was. He needs a lot of growing up to do. he has self esteem issues and he is a liar - was cheating on me all the time we were together!! God was taking me out for greater things but limited by my humanity, i was hanging onto him like a glue. Did it hurt? I thought I would die.

I wrote this to let you know that our suffering can sometimes be the key to other blessings and that God's mercies abound daily on us. I don't want to go on abt religion here but just know that you are not being punished. One day, you will understand why you had to go through this.

Take care and stay blessed.

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