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Revelation - We broke up this weekend..I must move on now.
September 7, 2005
4:57 pm
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taj64
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HI Glad you are feeling better. I too got on Lexapro almost a month now. I am doing much better with this than others I have tried. The doctor said hardly any side effects and I do notice any. I suffered a lot of anxiety and worry so I am able to deal with things much better. The breakup, the destructive relationship, the spiraling self esteem, left me both mentally and physically hurting. My heart physically ached! I felt my pain, working through anger, listening and posting here. I believe that all the things I have been trying are helping. This medicine also helps with PMS too. My emotions are much more intact. I hope it works for you. I have a ways to go too but it certainly is better than the way I was living a month ago. Good luck Revelation, I know your struggle too.

September 7, 2005
4:59 pm
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taj64
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Oh I meant that I had no side effects. I re read my posts in case of typos which I do a lot.

September 7, 2005
6:03 pm
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thewall
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Rev,

So sorry for your pain. Grief and loss is soo hard. Takes a long time sometimes to get through it so be patient with yourself.

The "dream" about spiders.... You could've been having withdrawls's from the overdose. That happens quite often actually and the feeling of spiders or bugs crawling on you is the most common one. Please dont ever do that again.

Glad you're seeing a therapist. I dont know what I wouldve done w/o mine over the yrs.

As for Lexapro...loved the stuff. It was my miracle drug. I work in the hosp and see very good results with this one so I am surprised by all the neg experiences mentioned here.

Hang in there. You're not alone.

September 7, 2005
9:37 pm
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hollow
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I guess I'm a leech in that my wife made more than me. I'm weak but well intentioned. Look you sound young, take advantage of that. Play the field I wish I had, I wish my wife had.

September 7, 2005
9:48 pm
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22haha
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Rev,
I am sorry you are going through such pain right now. I know how you feel. Believe me your ex does miss you even if you think he doesn't. You need to focus on yourself, your health now and somewhere down the road you will feel so much stronger. The thing is... you have said some things (word for word) that your ex said that mine has said to me. I know your ex is against counceling (you said) well, mine was too for a long time up until recently when I walked out (again) and he now has his first appt in 3 weeks. Sometimes, I think they do finally get it. First, you have let yourself be happy with you!

September 8, 2005
6:10 am
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revelation
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Hi All,

I'm not feeling to good right now, I just had a huge great cry. The thought occured to me...if he's upset and missing me...how is HE so good at doing no contact? I'll refer to HIM as T ok? How is T so good at no contact...when I am crumbling under the pressure of it, and I know he won't talk to anyone about it...I at least have people I can talk to to help me...HOW IS HE COPING? I'm doing no contact, only because the only way to contact him is by phone and he has his swiched off (see...I've tried) Every time I come on here, I have a think about what my future might have been and I think "Breaking up was the right thing to do" but when I am going about my daily life...I'm thinking "I hope we get back together" because I miss him so so much. I miss being with someone, I see couple holding hands and kissing like we used to and it makes me so panicky. Being here writing really helps.

Yesterday I spoke to a mutual close friend (Probably our closest his best friends wife who's just had a baby) well, she sounded so sad when she heard, I was all bright and chirpy and saying "Look, it fine, we are going to be friends, we are apart for now anayway, because the stress of him not working was just making me feel really bad, but lets see what happens in six months" and she was like "Good, I'm really glad to hear you to will be friends, maybe you can work it out...you were so good together" But, he doesn't want to be friends right now, he just wants to retreat.

Do I want him to come back? YES, YES, YES...I want him to come and say, look, I got a full-time job, I realise the stress I put you under over this was just awful and unfair and made you unhappy, lets give it another go" because, we broke-up after a stupid misunderstanding, just because he said so, he said he just couldn't take it anymore...how I hurt him. We hurt each other. My feeling is that I found it so difficult to find him and he to find me...how are we going to find anyone else?

I'm rambling, sorry...just writing my thoughts. I am full of regret, I wish we could just patch it up.
Last time we broke up, we got back together because, his best friend said "Hey T, if they could sort out the northern ireland peace process you 2 can sort out your differences" So, he saw the light and started to talk, I wish that could happen again.

Hey, y'know what, this is the killer, my family will freak if we get back together, after what I did, they blame him, the only one who blames the miscarriage funnily enough is my mother. I don't know what his family or my job would say. I'm in turmoil over whats going to happen in the future, I feel I have made a mess of everything, just by taking a few sleeping tablets.#

Please help

September 8, 2005
7:08 am
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depressionsucks78
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rev, sweetie

I am feeling so lost and desperate fighting my own demons, but i will try to help you, ok? it will somehow help me

It hurts so bad, i know. i went through a similar thing last year. until i got on here, i really didn't think much about coda, but now, i see that it is me, right there in front of myself. it hurts so much to have no contact with someone you so desperately want it to work. i know, i've been there, i just didn't know how detrimental the whole relationship was to me until now. and it has only been 9 months since the last time i talked to him. there are days when i still miss him sooooooooo much. but then i think of how destructive my lifestyle was then. i was on crack, using my whole paycheck sometimes just to buy a couple of hours of pleasure. he claimed to love me more than life itself, but he was very abusive, verbally. not outright, but looking back now, he was nasty to me. i didn't see it because "i loved him soo much", and all i wanted was a happy family with him and his 2 teenage boys. i never met the boys, but they were good kids(they lived in iowa with their alcoholic mother)...talk about dysfunction junction!!! it took me a long time to finally get over the fact that it was over for us, and the only reason it has stayed "over" is because he is in jail on drug charges. the man underneath the crap was a good one, but there was just too much crap layered on.

i am sorry, i am rambling, but i am trying to help you see that, even though it hurts like hell, time will help. you WILL move on, and you will be that much better because of it!!!

love ya,
~ds78

September 8, 2005
7:19 am
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depressionsucks78
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hey rev, i added some more names to the baby name thread, did she have it yet? what did she decide on?

~ds78

September 8, 2005
8:12 am
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revelation
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Hey DS,

Thanks so much, I know you ar efighting your own demons now too, so your help is appreciated even more.

I know time will heal,I know, I have to try to move on from this.

My friend didn't have the baby yet, I think she's now 9 days overdue.

September 8, 2005
9:23 am
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Anonymous
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DS -

I wish I could be there to hug you right now -

you beat an addiction? did I read that right????

you deserve to be SO proud of yourself - that was one of the best things you could have done for you - please, be proud of doing that for you.

you are fighting so many demons - I can't even imagine how hard you are struggling - but you are trying - that in itself is progress. You woke up alive today - and are going to the doctors for some help - again, something to be proud of.

one thing I have learned here - no step is to minor not to celebrate, every baby step, no matter how tiny, is a step in the RIGHT direction.

remember the xmas cartoons - I think it was rudolph or something - put one foot in front of the other, and soon you'll be walking out the door.....one step at a time - before we get to where we want to be - out of the darkness and into the light.

we CAN do it - all of us can!

September 8, 2005
9:30 am
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Regret
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Rev.,

I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am praying that the hurt would be dealt with in the right way.

Some people simply do not know how to handle grief and for all we know, your ex's fon is off because this is the only way he knows how to deal with the pain. A man who asks a woman to marry him doesn't just forget her even if you were horrible to him-which you weren't. He misses you too and I am almost sure that he is hurting too. Yet now, the focus is on you and what makes you feel better. I am sorry that I wasn't there when you had a cry. I would have given you a huge bear hug. I am sending you some via the net (((((((((((((((((((hugs for Rev.)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))Time does heal and all I am praying for right now is that the best comes to you- if the best is him getting his act together and coming back, I say ok. If it isn't I pray for the strength for you to move on. You are strong and you sure will get up again.

Hugs and peace to you.

Reg.

September 8, 2005
2:35 pm
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revelation
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Regret, and everyone else...thanks, so much....I'm going to try and concentrate on me for a while...if he wants to come back he can ask. All of the words here are so touching and so so so much appreciated.

I am taking it slowly..I haven't been very interactive on anyone elses threads, so sorry about that, when I am feeling alittle more positive I promise I will.

2b...I know u r not here much, but when you have a chance...stop for a chat...I think I'm probably going through exactly what you went through a few months ago.

September 8, 2005
3:01 pm
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geminismiles
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Rev,

I have finally had a chance to read this thread and here is a big (((((((((((((((((HUG TO YOU))))))))))))...I wish I wasn't so caught up in my own crap to where I could actually offer you something useful. Just know that I feel your pain and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you must feel like your dying inside but please truely believe that what dosen't kill us makes us stronger. You will get through this and you will be a stronger person for it no matter what the outcome eventually becomes...

September 8, 2005
5:21 pm
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depressionsucks78
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ali~ i wouldn't say that i BEAT an addiction, i still fight it every day, but i keep it out of my life so that it won't be a temptation for me. it is VERY VERY hard.

(refer to my thread for more)

I am going to get in bed while i can for today, and will try to check in at least once every couple of days.

love you all

~ds78

September 9, 2005
7:27 am
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revelation
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A friend just called, one I haven't heard from in a while, and she's coming to see me tomorrow, I was so happy when she called that I cried and thanked my Nan and Aunt K up in heaven for helping me as I asked them to. Haven't heard from T, I'm not going to get angry, I know he's trying to block me out, thats his was of dealing. I'm still in no contact, but I'm going to write him a letter next week.

September 9, 2005
10:30 am
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2bstrong
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Hello there Revs...

Glad to see you're posting. It is so ironic that we are going through the same thing. I think of all of the times in the past five months that I have cried on your shoulder. There were days when I thought that I could not take one more step. But, I made it Revs--and I am a much better person because of all of it. I am a much healthier person. I have better relationships with my friends, my co-workers, and most importantly my family. Especially my Mom. That is the good that has come from all of this.

Now, I started STRICT no contact on June 8. I made it til July 28 and that is when I sent him an e-mail requesting a meeting in person with him. I told him there were things I wanted to say for closure--that I didn't want to yell at him, or reconcile. I told him I didn't want to hide it behind an excuse to return his belongings. I was extremely honest.

It took him two weeks to respond. He said he would be more than happy to get together. We agreed to meet after labor day--he said he would "reach out to me after Labor day". That was Monday, and I have not heard from him.

I did it all revs. In the first two months after the break up, I sent him cards, did drive bys, went into his house. Sent him e-mails. Made phone calls. I probably tried to contact him about 15 times altogether. To know avail. He is finished. We cannot make them talk to us, want us, love us. It is all about us, Revs. It's about you getting healthy--getting on stable ground. Getting some clarity. It may be the most difficult thing you have ever done. It was for me.

I would suggest that you write the letter but do not send it. Don't prolong the pain, get it over with by sticking with your no contact pledge. I truly believe it is the only way to begin the necessary grieving and healing.

I will write more soon, revs. Just want you to know how much I care about you and send you my love.--2b

September 9, 2005
10:55 am
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depressionsucks78
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Rev~

in my last post on this thread, i told my story, and have since realized that i forgot a MAJOR part of it.

he and i met in january of 04. at the end of may, he went to jail the first time because of a dirty UA, (we'd been smoking a lot of crack), i had a meltdown because he was gone, and not allowed to talk to me. he was released to his group home in mid-june, but they were told by his father to forbid contact to or from me. i kept calling anyway, desperate to talk to him. in early sept. he got his own apt. and called me up. i moved in the next week. we did good for a little while, then started smoking the crack again. he got nastier and nastier. finally, in early november, he had 3 dirty UA's. he went back to jail. I cried and cried, wrote him letter after letter. then, just after christmas i got a letter from him. in it, he accused me of cheating on him (because i went to see my family for the holiday, and spent time with them), accused me of not caring enough about him, or his boys, to buy presents (i asked him if he was allowed to receive anything in jail, and he said "no packages", asked him what to send his boys, he said, "just send them a card, they know we can't afford anything"), and told me that i was just like his ex-wives, "getting dick wherever i could find it".

despite all of that, i still tried to contact him, but the letter i sent to the jail was returned because he was sent to prison by the time it reached him.

after a few months of crying over him, missing him, and beating myself up, i realized how much better my life was without him. he was dragging me down with him, and i was more than willing to go!

It will be ok, not now, maybe not even soon, but it WILL be ok.

love ya

~ds78

September 9, 2005
11:09 am
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DS -

the more I hear your story, the more I think what a strong person you are and how well you ARE doing.

yes, the crack demon is part of you, yes, the codependent demon is part of you.

but you are moving forward - you are being productive - you got a job and are obviously VERY dedicated and a hard worker - and must be good if you got a promotion too.

it is hard when we lose part of our lives to bad habits and bad people - and it's hard to get past all the esteem issues and rebuild our lives.

but you ARE DOING IT!

you may not be so proud of you - cuz you are in the middle of the battle - but from where I sit - you are SUCCEEDING - and I AM proud of you for what you have accomplished - and can't wait to see how much better you get each day.

I hope you are feeling better today.

September 9, 2005
11:45 am
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depressionsucks78
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ali~

thank you for the encouraging words, i need them from somewhere....see my thread, too

September 9, 2005
11:52 am
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revelation
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DS, you have really gotten through so much, that must make you a very very strong person. I have respect and admiration for you.

To all of the people responding on this thread...you give me inspiration, I can get through this. I'm feeling a little better today. Looking forward to seeing my friend tomorrow.

I've realised I need to sit down and talk to my younger sister about all this....She's coming home from work now...I'm going to talk to her.

Thanks all,
Will no doubt be posting here again soon.

September 9, 2005
11:54 am
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Rev - have a great weekend.

DS - I responded to you in your post.

September 9, 2005
12:16 pm
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depressionsucks78
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my bad, i saw that, just a little slap happy right now, haven't gone to bed yet...

thanks ali & rev, it is a strange feeling to be admired/respected by strangers.

sometimes i feel like i have no right no feel the way i do, i see how much others are struggling, and, you have a point, i am doing well, but that's on the outside, still, knowing how well i'm doing, i feel like my feelings are dumb, that i have no right to feel that way

September 11, 2005
1:09 pm
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revelation
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Hi All, hope you are all doing well.
Me? well, I'm living from minute to minute, one moniute I'm ok, the next I'm crying and stressed. Mostly I am SOOOOO tense! Anyone else recognise this? I'm wound up like a coil...my jaws keep locking and I get a pain in my shoulders. I am chewing gum and smoking like a trooper. I was trying to give them up. I'm in a constant state of panic it seems, I just keep trying to talk myself out of it. This is probably all familiar territory to all of you. I was getting so tense I just had to come here.

I havent made any contact, but I know if his phone was on I would. I could call his home number but I don't want to. I've done some drive-by's though, I admit to that. *&*^*^*^_)) this is SO HARD.

This weekend I went to my brothers and we didn't talk about me which was great, OK, I was pretending to be ok, and y'know I managed to relax for a while which I think did me some good.

I can't wait to go to my counsillor on tuesday, really looking forward to that.

I've held off writing that letter, I'm giving myself another week to think about that on.

I met our mutual friend on friday and we had a good talk about "US" me and T. He's T's best friend but he's a good guy, very sensitive and thoughtful, he's gonna talk to him.
I have a feeling T will get in touch soon, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking....I'm not running after him this time. He wants me, he can come get me.....and I'm prepared for the fact that maybe he won't. HIS LOSS.

September 12, 2005
5:08 am
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revelation
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I think I'm starting to work out some stuff in my head. Its not all good. I'm sad today because I realise how much T has to learn and how far he needs to go to find himself....right now he's scared lonely and depressed, I know that, I know him too well....but when we are together, my inclination is that he's also scared lonely and depressed...that its not actually being with me or without me which causes this...its something else...something that runs so much deeper.

He's told me how his family treated him as a child...but he's still tied to them...still feels he owes them something, because its them he runs to and not me when he feels down....

September 12, 2005
6:02 am
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revelation
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Whew...been in work for a few hours...trying to keep the panic in check it keeps bubbling up every few minutes...please please help me anyone out there going through this too...Can't cry anymore, got to not panic...got to just work and work and get through this....

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