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Revelation - We broke up this weekend..I must move on now.
September 5, 2005
4:51 am
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revelation
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Hi All,

Well, we have been arguing a lot. I've given the ring back, its not going to work out. We are both devestated. We finally broke-up on sunday. Even when both people are in love, it still can NOT work...thats something I've learnt.
The crux of the problem: Well, basically when we argue about really stupid things, I prefer to resolve the issue there and then, he prefers to storm off...switch his phone off and then forget about it...this means that there would be unresolved issues between us...I am of the belief that this breeds resentment. Also, the job situation was worrying me...yes he got work here and there, but never anything permanent, I have worked full-time since I left college at 22 and the thoughts of being out of work terrify me...I felt sometimes like I was living on a knife-edge when he wasn't working. I looked into the future then and didnt' like what I saw, my parents didn't like it either...don't get me wrong, they liked him, but as far as they could see, here I was, slogging my heart out to build myself and future while he was sitting on his ass. OK...it wasn't all his fault...I'm too insecure, I know he loved me, and to be loved was all I've ever wanted, but I never really believed it in my heart...I know that thats my problem, I really really need to start believing I am lovable, but its like a mental block. Also, I have such awful problems trusting as I have written about before. There is a coldness about my BF sometimes, when we argue its like in his eyes I turn into something else...not his girlfriend who he loves, but someone else.

There is no going back this time, I know that now, things went to far. Initially we had a silly argument and he stormed off to his parents and switched off his phone, this was on saturday. Then sunday I knocked up to his parents house and he goes "I'm not going out with you anymore, get away from the house or I'm calling the police" This coldness this cruelty...it just kills me...I can't go back after that, his parents heard, the neighbours heard, I was so embarrassed.
He calmed down, we went to the park and talked, he criticised me, but soon as I started pointing out his faults he wouldn't hear it. So, we parted then, he came and got his stuff at the house, and I O.D.'d on some sleeping tablets, yes....I did, I know, its a horrible thing to do. Anyway, my sister found me and she made me drink salt-water to make me sick, last night I wanted to die....I really did, after I got sick I felt so so awful, I've never felt so bad. My family were very angry with me. I slept last night as I was exhausted, but all night I kept waking up feeling as if spiders were crawling across my body or into my mouth. Can anyone who does dream analysis, please tell me what this is about?

Anyway, I saw him this morning on the way to work, I gave him a lift!!!! He looked AWFUL. I still love him, I know he loves me, but I know that ultimately I would be unhappy with him. I must move on now, I must try to maintain no contact....please please help me with this, I have never needed you guys so much as I need you now. Please help.

September 5, 2005
5:18 am
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revelation
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The urge to contact is ok now...I'm feeling calm, but of course he's on my mind all the time. Its just that we came so near but yet so far from making it. Part of me thinks....jeez if we could have just ironed out those last few creases and the other part thinks...no, we worked hard at it and still it didn't work...you would have been unhappy. he wasn't right for you. I'm so confused, I don't know whether we are both making a mistake or doing whats best.

I can't contact, I can't contact, I can't contact. DON'T LET ME CONTACT.

September 5, 2005
5:22 am
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(((((((((((rev))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are hurting.

September 5, 2005
5:32 am
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Keep telling yourself that he wasn't right for you. In your heart of hearts you know this is truth. It was cruel of him to threaten you with the police. It was cruel of him to walk away from you and switch off the phone. It was cruel of him to humiliate you in front of his parents and family.

There is a mean, cruel streak inside of him that you can no longer ignore. It will only get worse if you insist on staying together and marrying him, bringing children into a home with a dysfunctional parent. Protect your heart from further damage. Protect your future children from being emotionally damaged by someone who is capable of emotional cruelty and abuse. They deserve a better father. You deserve a better husband. More than likely it can't ever be him.

You can't marry somebody and expect them to change or to iron out their last little wrinkles in their character. A character flaw will not change, he will not change. Don't expect him to change. Only you can change.

Again, I feel your pain and I am so sorry for it.

September 5, 2005
7:43 am
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revelation
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Thanks Bonita for your kind words. I just spoke to my friends in work, God it was hard to tell them....I know it wouldn't have worked out, I wish I could see 1 yr into the future to see how I'm doing. I fear being single as I'm sure many on this board do, I fear never finding the right person. I feel I am to blame and I'm wondering if I'll mess up every relationship I am in. But...I have a lot more going for me than him. I'm younger, I have my own house and car and a good job, my problem is I feel inadequate when it comes to guys, I feel when they look at me that they see mediocrity when there are so many better women out there. He didn't see me as mediocre but as special...but maybe thats because, he had/has no future, at 35 he still lives with his parents (well, he does now) he has no skill (except his music, but the chances of him "making it" with that are slim) and he does'nt seem to have any real ambition, he's the type of guy thats full of good intentions, but he never seems to be able to pull them off. With me around pushing him forward, he did make some progress, but I always felt like I was dragging him along...where he didn't want to be dragged. I know, I know, thats codependency, I've preached here enough times that you can't make someone change. Gosh, I've been so silly, I've been fooling myself. I'm quite calm now, It might be quite a sick thing to say, but because I know that he is going to take this break-up really hard, its making me feel better. If I thought he'd be out partying with not a care in the world it would destroy me, but he's not, he's not sleeping or eating and he'd been crying when I saw him this morning....but he knows the same as I do, that we just are not right for each other. Oh my heart aches, it really does, but that pain will go away in time, god I wish it would go now....

September 5, 2005
8:28 am
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Regret
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Rev.,

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry for what you are going through right now. I can only wish you well and tell you that you are in my prayers. Just know that even bad things happen for a purpose. You have pointed out enough to suggest that the break up seems to be for the best. We cannot read beyond today and make assessments for the future. We can only take one day at a time trusting that the decisions we take today are the best for us even if in the long term, we realise differently.

Hang in there Girl. . .you can make it.

September 5, 2005
8:44 am
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((((REV))))

Your thread caught my attention as soon as I read your name. I got stunned when I read the word BROKE UP!!! My tears all flowing across my face. That's why I am great believer that people who come from dysfunctional families - like you and me and many people on this site -should make our emotional healing our top priority!!!

Dysfunction influences our life negatively. Not just our romantic life, rather every aspect of our life, profession, work, studies, friendship with same gender and any other projects. The best thing you can do is to go thru the healing process, which I am sure you're in right now from reading your thread.
If you purchased Stormie's book, that should be excellent book for your healing. Also Melody's book Codependent no more is excellent one which I am reading right now. It enabled me to probe & decipher this whole thing about codeps. Why we do it, how to stop doing it...etc.

Take advantage of any coda meetings or 12 step program going on in your district. Unfortunately, I don't have any in my area. But Melody's book is actually quite enough for me. Perhaps when I relocate, I can look for 12 step or coda meetings.

Anyway honey, I realy feel your pain and my heart goes out to you. I will keep steadfast prayer for you in these forthcoming days.

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

September 5, 2005
8:49 am
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September 5, 2005
9:27 am
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Revelation,

I feel your pain!!!! The unfortunate part of the whole situation is that it doesn't HAVE to be over! If he would just take responsibility for HIS portion of the relationship issues (his coldness, his angry outbursts, his retreating inward and ignoring issues), you could possibly work past it.

I don't understand why some men are so dead set against counseling. He obviously has some MAJOR issues that need to be dealt with. It seems that he is harboring so much resentment, grief, anger and frustration (probably since childhood) that he has never addressed, so it comes out periodically and unfortunately, you are the closest one to him, so he takes it out (unfairly) on YOU!

It is wrong and I hope you understand that it has NOTHING to do with you!!!! I will say it again, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Until he deals with his problems, he will never be able to have a succesful relationship with anyone.

I have been in the same situation before and it is infuriating! I have always been a very open person. I admit when I am wrong, I apologize and I try to do better in the future. It is very difficult to be with someone who REFUSES to let things go... who continues to bring up my past failures, holds them over my head... and makes me feel like I am somehow unworthy of HIM!!! I understand that it is HIS insecurity. He does not feel worthy of ME, so he spins it around to keep me down. It somehow makes him feel better about himself. Although, the truth is that he will never feel better and he will never be truly happy. He doesn't know how.

I am trying to let go and understand that I will NEVER change him!!!! NO matter how much I love him, no matter how much I try... I have talked myself blue in the face and I have written letter after letter after letter to try and get him to see HIS part in our problems... but he just ignores what I have said. He never discusses it... ever!!!!! I KNOW he's heard me... he just refuses to do anything about it!

That's all I can do. I have done my best. Time to let go.

Just like you Rev... you need to try and let go too. Until he is ready to take a good, hard look at himself in the mirror, I'm afraid that there is no hope...

But you have done your best!!! Please believe that! You are a good person. You are worthy of love... unconditional, selfless, kind, pure and true love!!!! Don't settle for any less than you deserve!!!

You need to grieve this loss... it is sad, it is unfortunate and it is heartbreaking... but there is nothing more you could have done!!!! You should walk away with your head held high!!!!!!!!

Try and be strong! I'll be thinking of you!!!!!

((((((TC)))))))))

September 5, 2005
9:40 am
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Hi babe again,

"I slept last night as I was exhausted, but all night I kept waking up feeling as if spiders were crawling across my body or into my mouth. Can anyone who does dream analysis, please tell me what this is about?"

Here are 2 interpretations for spiders according to 2 books:

- Spider: Symbol of interior prison if it's black.

To dream of spiders is a sign that we are living in frightening shocking situation because of a close person who keeps us sujbect to them. It's an obsession which wears us out.

Killing a spider announces that one will be victorious and master of one's situation.

Spider is not always bad omen, depending on its color.

If it's white: mystic research; red: passionate love; black: interior prison.

- The other book has totally different analysis, Spider: An ambitious and resourceful person will have great influence in your life.

I hope I was helpful, sweetie!

~Love, RAS~

September 5, 2005
11:20 am
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Oh Rev, I'm so sad for you. I am so sorry this happened. I think you're doing well though in recognizing that he has some faults that in the end would not do well for you. You're a financially stable person looking for a partner and he isn't mature enough in that arena to be your partner, in my opinion. This is one of my must haves- probably a good reason why I am still alone. But you deserve some financial security after what you have accomplished for yourself. He's also not very nice to you it sounds, and as said above this would probably only escalate. Emotional cruelty is never acceptable, plus the public humiliation could never be repeated.

I know you are hurting right now but some day you'll probably see this as a learning experience- I hope you're finding out you are worth more than this. Big HUGS, Rev. SD

September 5, 2005
11:40 am
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Rev, I am so sorry that this has happened. You have been so hopeful, which is part of the reason you crashed so hard.

Look, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!!!!!

Don't second-guess this decision. There is already enough to fight about in a relationship regarding finances to add unemployment to it. When you are fully committed to a relationship, you want to be able to go to the supermarket and prepare meals without wondering - when was the last time he bought something. You want to watch him eat without asking yourself - why do I have to cook for him? He doesn't work - he should do all the cooking. And the cleaning! And believe me, those thoughts will grow and consume yuou and one day, you will hate him as much as you love him now.

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!!!

September 5, 2005
12:03 pm
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(((REV)))

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I agree with all above, you are definitely doing the right thing. And please, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF! You DID do everything you could...

Obviously, while he is with you, he is not going to change...maybe the break up will light a fire under his a** when he realizes what he has lost. And he will realize it, but only if you can stick to "no contact".

It's ironic - sometimes the best thing we can do for a person is to leave them.

You are the better person here. Set the example and be strong.

September 5, 2005
3:55 pm
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Rev,

Jammy wife brought up several good points. You live with a man who brings no financial assests into the home, believe me, you will grow to hate him. My soon to be ex husband (my 2nd) is that kind of person, a human leech. You don't need that kind of stress. Add to this, your ex's tendency to be emotionally cruel and to publicly humiliate.... Well, that's three strikes against him and he is out.

(((((((((REv))))))))))))

September 5, 2005
9:23 pm
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Hey Rev, I'm knew here. But my situation sounds sooo much like yours. My boyfriend also moved back to his mother's this weekend cause he "needs a break." I've been there through thick and thin then He's the one that needs a break.

September 6, 2005
11:08 am
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Revelation, love. I cannot believe what I have just read.

First, are you doing ok today? What is going on? Please post and let me know.

Dear friend, your experience is so similar to what I experienced. This man would have shut you out, as he would anyone because he is unable to deal with his own emotions and internal conflict. Maybe with some time and space, there can be some healing for the both of you. Remember my story? My ex broke up with me over the phone at 11:00 at night. It was so traumatizing. Your situation is similar. You experienced a great deal of trauma. You may feel that you will need some "gentle closure" down the road. But give your self some time.

Let yourself grieve, Revs. Get some clarity. Spend time with people who care about you and are willing to listen. Stay away from him for a good four weeks, at least. Get some clarity. There is a lot of cleansing and healing to be found in it. Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself cry, scream, pound the pillows. Lay on the floor with your cheek touching the bare wood or the carpet. Sounds weird, I know.

Love to you Revs. Please come and talk today. Let us take care of you....2b

September 6, 2005
12:37 pm
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((hi Rev)) hope you are doing ok, and breaking up is never easy, its sooo hard. Feel all of your feelings and know that you tried, you really did. Its better to find out now than years down the road and investing more time and your heart for something that was not able to work.

Please keep posting, and know that you have so much support here.

((hugs & support))) camer

September 6, 2005
8:54 pm
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Revelation,

Are you O.K.? I've been worried about you.

Please post soon!

TC

September 6, 2005
9:58 pm
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I am also new to this but I am sorry for your pain! I am starting to learn more about codependency from what I have read on the site. It is interesting to me because I never knew that there was a name for what I have been dealing with. My boyfriend can be cruel and hard at times to, but I haven't even found enough courage to do what you have done. So Congratulations!

September 7, 2005
5:14 am
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revelation
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Hi All,

I've read allyour posts and they are all great, you have compunded thoughts I already had. I know that, had I stayed, the chances are he wouldn't have gotten himself sorted out financially, the worry of this and the resentment would only have built up and made me dreadfully unhappy. I know this, I have to keep telling myself this. Yes...maybe this will spur him to change, right now though, I can't see it happening. And about dealing with his emotions...yes he seems to have switched off again, I'm trying no conmtact...its difficult, but I know I HAVE to do it.

I did blame myself, its hard not to look at what my life is at this moment and not feel scared. My boss found out about the sleeping tablet incident (I told him) and he told me to not come back until monday, thats why Ihaven't posted as this PC at home is useless! I'm sorry for worrying you all. I went to the company GP and he says I have been depressed for a long time (probably as a result of the miscarriage) and he's given me a prescription for "LEXPRO" (Anyone heard of this?). So...I'm officially suffering from depression I'spose. I'm not blaming that on EXBF as its not his fault...he didn't realise the stress I was under about him not having a job.
He's not socially mature enough to dealwith his problems or go out into the big wide world and get a job, I fooled myself into thinking that because he loved me he would, but he's just not capable of following stuff through...I can't live like that. Right now, he working on a job at a friends house, I saw him yesterday...man he's a nerous wreck. I went to update him on how I'm doing (an excuse for contact...not to be repeated!) When I told him what the doctor said he started to cry and said "Is this because of me" I said..."No, no way, its been there since the miscarriage" so then he starts getting really angry with me for going to him, "you shouldn't be here" (My family told him not to contact me for my good) he says "I can't take this" so, I left...I don't intend contacting him anymore...it's not good for either of us. I have to try and move on, but I miss him, so so so so much. I'm trying to keep busy at home. Its hard knowing he's just a few minutes away though. Maybe this will make him cop on, but I really don't see us getting back together...I won't say I wouldn't love to if I get my depression sorted and he gets his problems sorted, but may he just doesn't love me enough.

I'm sad, but I'm encouraged by the support, I must be positive. I went to a counsillor last night and talked and cried for an hour...really helped. we are going to work on me letting stuff go over the next 6 weeks.

Love to you all,
Rev.

September 7, 2005
6:13 am
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depressionsucks78
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Rev~

I have been browsing this site a lot tonight because of my own pain, and I just finished reading all posts to this thread. I am SO sorry for your pain, and I wish that there was a way to make it disappear for all of us. However there is not, so we have this site to try to help each other. I caught "LEXAPRO" in your post, and I had to respond. I was on Lexapro for about 2 months last year, and I got even more depressed than I was when I was put on it. It made me want nothing more than to die. I could think of NOTHING else. When I was put back in the hospital (a different one than the one that prescribed Lexapro to me), I was told that some of those newer meds can have that effect on some people. It makes suicidal ideations worse. But I have also heard that it has helped some people. I just wanted to tell you about my experience, because no one told me what MIGHT happen.

~sucks

September 7, 2005
10:15 am
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revelation
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Wow!!! Thanks for telling me that DS78.

September 7, 2005
10:21 am
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lexapro made me narcoleptic - all I wanted to do was sleep - even at 1/4 the starting dose - I once fell asleep standing up and leaning against the wall next to the stove while making dinner.

some anti-depressants are known to cause suicidal tendencies in kids/teens - it's possible it does the same to an adult, tho less rare - but worth discussing with your doctor.

if you are taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety and you still feel miserable - it's time for a change.

September 7, 2005
10:31 am
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Hi Rev - I've been on Lexapro for a while and I'm...oh, wait a minute, I guess I'm not fine! Actually going to my psychiatrist in a week or so for an update.

Seriously, it has not given me any real problems...but it isn't really working, either.

Anyway, hopefully it will help you...treating depression is kind of hit-or-miss with the meds, so if not, hang in there, GP can always try something else...

September 7, 2005
2:43 pm
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depressionsucks78
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no prob rev...

I figure if I can do something, even if small, to keep someone else from possibly going through the hell I went through, then yay, me!

Hope you have better luck with it.

Ali~ I hadn't heard the whole thing about it having that effect in mostly kids/teens....I took it at 25, and it royally screwed me up!
oh well, I guess I'm a "rarity".

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