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Resurrecting old "New - No Contact" thread or starting a new one?
September 22, 2008
11:00 pm
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CrazyPink
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I want to respond back to you. I will when I can find the words to.

🙂

I'm glad you had a better day today. Mine was alright, just difficult. I did however, talk to someone at work. I told her it couldn't be worst and she reminded me that yes it could be. I have a home, I have a family, I have clothes and food. Stay positive.

September 23, 2008
12:15 am
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I am pretty sure he is with another girl now. . . He told me he wouldn't date, but I have that feeling now.

How stupid does that sound? It doesn't even make sense. I have a feeling he is with another girl, yet I don't know for sure. Im feeling so angry!

September 23, 2008
9:29 am
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Pink, I feel your anger and your sadness! I am sorry you have to go through this too! I hope that I did not upset you because that was not my intention. I would just love to see someone so young as you get it. I would not want you to wake up in your 40's asking yourself, "WTF happened to my life, and being so unhappy!

I am starting to learn ways to change my direction of thinking. I know my x is w/ another woman and I obssesed about it for 7 days (still doing it). I cried, I screamed, I blamed myself and most of all I hurt myself again. I am sick of the pain. I have decided that I put so much into a toxic relationship that I am now going to put as much into a relationship with myself. I know that I am going to have slips, and I am prepared. EVERYONE who has been through this says in the end we will have a better understanind of our self and be happier. Not that we will never encounter pain again but we will know how to deal with it. This is what is keeping me going.

I have given up so many times on this process because it was too painful. I would always turn to drinking w/ my friend and going out. I would meet men that were just as bad or worse than the previous. I am soooooo sick of living like that.

I have made a promise this time to take care of myself. I am not going to drink, go out with my girlfreinds to bars or clubs and not date for a while. I am going to work on getting the crap out and come to terms with all my anger and resentments. I have a lot of work to do. If you are not in therapy I recommend trying it, it's what has helped me make up my mind to stop the pain. It's a place to cry and get it all out and a place where you get suggestions on how to deal with it. There are also a lot of self help books to read, this helps me fall asleep at night and understand I am not crazy!

(((HUGS)))))

September 23, 2008
3:05 pm
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Newme--you are not crazy, nor are any of us. Just a little to wrapped up in men and what they think of us. It is hard to work on myself. Even house work looks better to me than working on myself.
I am doing the writing exercises in the book, "Don't call that man". Been in therapy in my younger life and always quit and never did the writing exercises. The next chapter is on my mother and his traits that remind me of her. YIKES! Can't tell how that hit home, just the title.
There is something to this stuff and I have made some major mistakes. My instinct is to meet someone else, escape this bad feeling and alone feeling. Bad move and I am not doing it. I am not drinking. I am not going out. I am not talking to friends that feed the negative in me.
I am in my forties also, for another year or so, and like you would love to be Pink's age and know what I am learning now and not deny it.
Newme--you are sticking to you it and stepping through it. I am proud of your commitment and you inspire me not to give up. You and all others here help me daily to cope.

7 DAYS

September 23, 2008
3:27 pm
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newme66
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Sad, I am writing too. I am keeping a journal on my feelings. I have read codependent no more and there are activities. I was not ready to do the activities because I was too focused on my x. I am now reading about the inner child, WOW what a wake up call. Pink has a lot going for her. In my twenties, I just moved on, I hurt but not for long or so I thought. A lot of crappy feelings 30+ years are coming to the surface and it's a lot to face. I have two children and I want better for them. I am sure they will have issues and feel pain but I don't want it to be like mine! That will be up to them. I will give them what I can and stay away from toxic men. If that means being alone forever! Darn that stinks 🙂

I am not drinking, using drugs (except my anit depresants which I just started) and I am only talking to one friend. She went through this too. She is my inspiration and she tells me like it is! She's not too tough because we are good friends. I leave that up to therapy.

Well, I got an email from him today saying he wanted to apolgize for everything. Apology accepted! I did not respond, I deleted it and internally accepted it (today). I don't know how I will feel tomorrow but I know I can't take him back. Does he honestly believe that after all the stuff we have been through and him getting another girlfriend will bring us closer? He needs help and I can't help him. I tried and almost went insane in the process. Or maybe he's sorry and wanted to let me know, and will never contact me again. YEAH RIGHT!!! He's not done with me. But I am done with him.

I have been in so much pain for over a month (really a life time) but I have peace in my home, that is the one thing that I am enjoying! I am also starting to feel better and not crying about him. I still have the thoughts, but the tears have gone away. Today is a good day for me and I am not going to let an email bring me down. He's sorry and so am I! But I don't need to communicate that with him - not yet. Too vulnarable (sp).

September 23, 2008
6:02 pm
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I know what you mean when you say you just moved on in your twenties. We had a whole life time then. It is different at this age. Everything is not so disposable and there are concequences to pay for just moving on--for me anyway.

Our children give us a purpose. I am glad to hear you say you want better for them. I know what you mean. I raised a son on my own (his dad, Big Narcis., very easy to move on from) and he is what I am most proud of in my life so far. By no means was I perfect, but he knows I always love him and he can always come to me. Course in twenty years he will be doing the writing exercises with N and I as the subject matter.

I am glad you have someone to talk with that can listen and relate. Our freinds were intertwined and it was making it worse for me and I was beginning to question truthfulness, etc.

I bet it felt good not to be tempted to return the email. It is progress for you to know you cannot help him. I think that is how a lot of my mistakes start, trying to be helpful. I am sure there is a writing exercise or two on that subject. I am sure my x will surface agian, but I think we have moved past the threats, hatefulness and blame.

The pain and dissappointment is the worst, butthe good days or bits of progress give me hope. You are having a good day and so am I (sort of). Now we need to keep stringing them together.

September 23, 2008
6:16 pm
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Maybe we have not moved on from the blame.

September 23, 2008
6:20 pm
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(((Sad and Newme))))

Sad 7 days that is wonderful. You sound stronger. 🙂

Newme, you seem so determined and really trying to face the truth. That is huge! What's even huger (hehe) is that yo udid respond to his e-mail. WOW! Progress! WTG!

Just wanted to say hi to you both. Hope you have a good evening.

Precious

September 23, 2008
6:23 pm
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Hi Precious--How are you?

September 23, 2008
6:48 pm
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I am doing ok. Today was a good day! I havae plenty of work to distract me. I bought of pair of shoes today that I have been wanting. So that was fun! Self-care at its best! Shoe shopping! HEHEH! I love shoes!

You know I understand what you and Newme are talking about in regards to age. I too am in my forties and twenty was a long time ago. On the other hand I do not think that being in my forties is the end of the world. I was just helping my neice dry her hair and she asked me how old I am and told I was 40 and she says "wow! you're old!" I told her ya know age is not about a number but about how think about it. I have been a late blooer all my life. I think that I am fortunate that way, it keeps me young in mind and heart.

When I was in college I used to joke that I was on the ten year plan. Well is was true. i struggled with school but was determined to graduate. I used to beat myself up for being so old and still working on my undergrad degre while others my age were already into their careers by 5 years. Well I relalized that I was going to be 28 anyway so I had better make the best of it. It took me time to accept this but I have kept that with to this day. I can waste time beating myself up for struggling and being old or I can accept that is the way that it is and make the most of it.

This really didn't come out the way I wanted. I just wanted to share my experience with this age thing with you guys so mmaybe you could look at it differently.

Anyway, thanks for asking how I doing.

Precious

September 23, 2008
7:04 pm
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Good for you for having the stick to it attitude on your degree. I went weekends, starting at 28 when my son was a baby and I was working full time. I went long enough to increase my income. Never was a very good student--disapline issue--still have that.

I bet you enjoy your niece. When I was at my sisters her granddaughter spent some time with us and she is 2.5. So innocent and curious. Hugs from those little arms were healing.

We are not struggling, Precious. We are building character.

Take Care

September 23, 2008
8:42 pm
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I am still working on my degree LOL. I was in school back in March and my x accused me of lying about going to school and joked that I was seeing someone. It was not joke. It was his own guilt!

I am a late bloomer myself. I am also petite so I don't look my age. I realized through this process that I am immature, not in a bad way that can't be fixed. I hope I did not upset Pink, I meant well and reading email/or computer writing things can be read or interpeted wrong. I am on this site to get help and possibly give some back. I am too new to give advise but I remember my twenties and it was easier then. I did not realized then that all the pain I was in was pushed down, only to reveal it's self some twenty years later.

I LOVE SHOES TOO! Unfortunately, I can't buy anything. I am finacially stuck, for now. I am thinking after the holidays of persuing another career making more money. I work close to home in the suburbs, if I commuted to the city I could make way more money. I chose to be closer to home because my children are young. My daugther is 12 now and very responsible. So I may feel comfy commuting. We'll seem, too many changes too soon could affect me.

My ex husband (father of my two children) was very easy to leave too. But now I am dealing with that pain. I did not deal with it then.

This x had me so sick, physically, that I was hospitalized twice for heart attack like symptoms. He came to see me crying and putting on a show. He left the hospital and went out got drugs and cheated on me! He wonders why I was so mean to him. I was recently diagnosed w/ Uteran Cancer (they got it all and I am fine) again, he went out drinking and drugging and stayed out all night. That was the final straw, I packed most of his everyday shit and threw him out. He was heartless. If he had a hang nail he would cry for days. I had no sympathy and he knew it. He said I was mean! NO, he was, you don't betray/abandon someone you "love" when they think they may be dying.

I will not let him back to cause me more pain. I have not had an ache or pain since he left. I have felt emotional pain, but it's what I needed. I hope I get it this time. I am staying positive and going to do what is suggested as far as NO CONTACT! Thanks to everyone for sharing. It' helps knowing that there are others like us. All we did was care. And look where it go us? Almost insane and they just move on like it's nothing.

I know he will be in pain someday and I already feel guilty. I will pray for him, when I am ready. I don't want the best for him today. But I don't want the worse either. I kind of like the idea of him suffering! I guess I still have a lot more work to do 🙂

September 24, 2008
4:04 pm
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8 days--got ahead of myself. Thought it was 9, but only 8.

I saw him drive by today, but he did not stop. Not sure why he was out here, guess I don't care why.

My concern is facing him and staying strong when he does come back. It feels like I am at a teetering point--could go either way if confronted with the decision.

September 24, 2008
9:12 pm
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Sad eight days is great hun! Keep up the good work.

Precious and Newme. I get the whole age thing. I am 27 close to my thirties but when I was 20 i was just like pink. Her story reminds me of myself so that is why i really wish i could reach through the computer and guide her and do the things i wish i would have done just 7 years ago!

I feel blessed that i am now figuring a lot of things out and letting my hurt and pain come through this time.

I can relate Newme when you say you never dealt with your X husband after leaving him. I never dealt with my first X and just hopped into the next thing and where did that get me? Right here where i am today. Ugh! but we live and we learn right?

Newme you needed to let you X go he was a jerk and you are right if you are dying and he "loved" you he would have been there but you know what he doesn't even love himself or even know what love really means.

Girls i love shoes too!!! and purses. I am obessed.

I am not sure what day count i am on but i am sure around 35 or so!

(((Sad, Newme, Precious)))

September 24, 2008
9:15 pm
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I want so badly to respond to his email saying he was sorry for everything. I am not sure if he sent it because he's really sorry and moving on or if it's just another crumb to throw my way.

I want to reply that I accept his apology, which I think is a lie!

I don't know how I am feeling today - empty - I had a pretty good day! It's when I came home I fell asleep for an hour and woke at 6 PM - I started obsessing and wondering why he did not email me again. Why do I think like this, do I enjoy the pain, do I really miss him? I am thinking tonight's his night off and he will be getting ready to go out w/ his new gf to PARTY. Then I think at least I will feel good in the moring. He might still be up from the night before or really hung over.

DOES IT REALLY MATTER? I had to get this out so I don't respond to his email. I am going to bed, write my feelings down then go back to sleep, where the thinking stops. Pray to my higher power to take away the obsession I have with him. I am jutst as addicted as he is. I want the help - how long is it going to take for me to just not think.........time will tell! He thinks he's blocked from my email, but it goes into my junk email so he probably thinks I did not get it or does not care that I don't respond.

I am rambling nonsense - sorry - I need to go to bed! 🙁

September 24, 2008
9:51 pm
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(((newme)))

Everyting you are saying is all very normal feelings. All the thoughts, the feelings and the emotions. Keep posting about them and writing about them. It will help you get them out.

Yes i believe he was throwing you a crumb so ignore it. You do not have to tell him that you accept his apology. B/c do you truly acceept it? I think maybe just maybe in a year or so you could possibley accept this apology but now after only a month and half and after hearing just bits and pieces of what he has done to you I think you will find that at some point you will be more angry than anything.

Why would you want to respond to him? Will it be worth it to respond nad aceept his apology. if you truly do accept it then you and your higher power will know it. He doesn't have too.

I hope you have a good night's sleep hun! Hang in there. i know times are rough but it will get better and you will have a better day!

Nights are always so lonely. I found them horrible at first but now i don't mind them so much. I get to do what i want to do and i have no one to worry about or do things for or keep up with or pay bills for!!!

Just think of all the postives in the situation!

Lost

September 25, 2008
6:47 am
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Thanks Lost! I think of all the OTHER times he has done this and I beleive he's sorry. But he's not sorry for long.

I am going to ingore him and keep posting and working on my. My birthday is Friday and I am projecting or having a fantasy that he's going to contact me or send me something. I don't like being like this.

I wish I never met him! But it would have been someone just like him. I am going to stay positive today and try to be productive in work. It's so hard to concentrat (sp).

Gotta get ready for work.

September 25, 2008
10:07 am
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Newme,

I can't imagine what it must be like to think about your birthday coming up and if he will contact you on it or not. it has to be hard. I haven't had to go through that yet but it will be coming up in a couple of months.

Just keep working on yourself and feeling your feelings!

Don't contact him he like you said says he sorry but for how long?

Lost

September 25, 2008
4:42 pm
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9 days

Newme--boy is your comment sobering--

I wish I never met him, but it would have been someone just like him.

That is so true for me it makes me a little nautious (sp?) thinking about it.

Going for 10

Take care and make it a happy birthday tomorrow--do something for yourself you normally wouldn't do, but makes you feel special.

Happy Birthday!

September 25, 2008
5:02 pm
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11 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 25, 2008
5:05 pm
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Birthday:

My creep fooled around on my mother's 7 year death anniversary..and 2 weeks prior to my birthday.

I caught him.

On my birthday he sent me a card that said "Love, ..." I came apart but NEVER contacted him.

I just threw out the last two love letters I had saved. The others I had mailed to him right after the infidelity had been discovered.

My year annivesary of no contact is October 17. It was my rebirth although it felt like a death at the time.

September 25, 2008
6:08 pm
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11 months--seems impossible to me currently, but one day at a time adds up.

Sorry you went throught the hurt, but sounds like you have truly made it to the other side.

Congrats!

September 25, 2008
11:58 pm
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New-

I appreciate everything and all of your help. I am sorry I have been at my parents all day. I took my nephew out of school today to hang out with him. I wanted to go to the batting cages, he wanted the movies. There was no movie playing so we just went home and played the wii.

I know that I have a full life ahead of me, and tonight I think I came to grips with a few things. I don't know what I want, I don't even know me anymore after my break up. So tonight, I decided, one glass of wine is ok. 🙂 No more sleeping pills. Only vitamins. I am going to focus on me, I am going to start applying for grants. I live alone, pay for everything on my own except my car insurance. I want to get my life going, I want to figure out what I want to be doing in 5 years. I thought it was accounting, but I am so unhappy at work (I'm an auditor) now that I decided tonight, once and for all, I am not going into accounting. I have to figure what I want to do. i have to figure out me. If i want to be happy, then I have to make myself happy first. I think that is what you are doing now too. And i am proud of you.

I don't know where to start though. What and where did you start New? i am so eager to get my life and stuff that I have not enjoyed life as it is now. I have thought to myself for quite some time now, I am hiding behind all of my fears of being alone. I am so afraid that my ex will not want to get back together, and that i'll be alone. i'm done worring. I have not done anything for MYSELF, really for myself, tonight I'm done. It's about me now.

Sorry, I had to vent. I have been thinking in my head for far too long that it probably sounds like a bunch of mumble jumble. New, you have helped me more than you know my friend! I hope you are doing well!!

September 26, 2008
9:34 am
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I woke today and told my self, this is your birthday - and you can start over - it's never too late!

This is a whole new beginning for ME! I have to come to terms he CAN'T come back no matter what. I was so, so unhappy and on the verge of killing myself. I was always sick and tired and I mean always!

I have choices today. I have no idea what I am going to do but now I have something to think about instead of him. What do I want?

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. FACING ME! I had to let go of all my vices and finally face that I need a change. I look at little old ladies and say I want to live that long, I want to see my grandchildren grow. If I continue on the self destructive path I will not live a long life.

I am going back to the gym, I don't care how skinny I am. I am going to start getting my nails done again, my hair and maybe get a massage. I never really took care of me. I looked like I did on the outside. I can put on make up and dress in fancy clothes but behind all that was just a scared little girl, afraid of MEN. Afraid they would hurt me, and they have. I have allowed it in fear of abandoment.

I figured the only one that abondoned me, was me. I was not givent the skills for self care or self love. Now that I have them I am going to use them. I know this is not going to be easy for any of us but I know what I want in life. I want life! No more worrying about others, except my kids. Adults can take care of them self. If they can't then it's not my problem.

Pink, take these tools and put them to good use. In twenty years you will be so happy that you took the opportunity to learn self love. I am no longer resentful that I did not get it at a young age. I was not ready, plain and simple. I am now. I went through a lot of pain my entire life and learned everything the hard way. This is one more lesson, the hard way. This time I will get something out of it.

I am going to continue with Therapy and keep reading and attend a meeting or two a week. Gym, taking care of me inside and out!

I no longer want men in my life that can't take care of them self. They can go to thier mother for that. I am done being a mother to grown men. I have two children that need me and I need them. I love life today, for I am born again!!!!

Think positive and positive things happen. I have been so negative the last few days and I just fell into a rut. I can't think of him and what he's doing. It just brings me down and to be honest I really never liked him. Everything he did since the day I met him urked the crap out of me. It was all an illusion. I wanted to be loved by anyone even a worthless man. He will never have what I am going to get and that's enough for me.

I own my own home, car, and I have everyting I need. I could use more money, but I am going to get a p/t job till after Christmas. I have come a long way in my life and I never let things get me down. Now I have to deal with it, but at least I am strong enough to do that.

Ladies, this is our chance to change our lifes for ever! I am going to take it! It's my Birthday and I am not letting my thinking ruin it!

Have a great day everyone and lots of hugs and love from the bottom of my heart!

September 26, 2008
9:55 am
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UPDATE - He sent an email wishing me a happy birthday. Another crumb - I am starving, and I want more than crumbs! I want a full course meal w/ dessert and cocktails. No crumbs for this bday girl!!!!!!!!!!! He can't afford to provide me with my needs! He's not emotionally wealthy enough for me!

I am shaking as I type this. I want to move on and it's soooooooo hard. I need the strenght to do this. I need to stay focused on what I NEED!!!!

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