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Resurrecting old "New - No Contact" thread or starting a new one?
September 17, 2008
5:00 pm
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Oh, honey, you have to slow down your mind. Take a deep breath and break that thought that anything you did or didn't do brought you to the break up.

A new girlfriend for him. This can be so painful and devastating, BUT the truth is she will be in your spot one day. He did not change in a month and she is not a magic formula for love.

Do what ever you have to do to dig down and find strength here. Pick up that book and read that section that spoke to you before. Why the R/O.

I have made it 24 plus hours. No calls or visits from him, but I have not contacted him.

Give me something postitive about you back--come on! ((())))

September 17, 2008
5:18 pm
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PreciousG
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Umm Newme,

First let me say I feel your pain and I am so sorry that you hurting. Then let me say what you said about him "I thinks she is making him so happy and that I never existed. That the will have this wonderful relationship that I could not give him because I was constantly angry at him, there was not a day that I was happy with him. He was a compulsive liar, cheater and drug addict. I think he's going to change and not lie and cheat on her, because he learned his lesson with me."

What part of this exactly are you missing?

I do not hink that you are missing him or the relationship. I think you are more angry with yourself becasue you feel you let yourself down because you couldn't fix him. I am going to lwt you in on a littel secret, he was your responsibility to figet his x. Only he can fix himself. Oh and you thiking that he and this girl, who by the way he found only one month after leaving, are living a love story is nothing but a waste of your time hun. He is not capable of real love. He uses relatinships like he uses drugs to get his fix. Notice I said use. He is using this girl to cover his pain.

You also say that you have no vice but he has a relationship. You have something better than a vice, drugs, alcohol, etc., you have therapy which is something very real. Vices are not only mask our pain creating more pain.

Like sad sugested, take a deep breath and let it out. Just be still a minute and breath. Just slow down and take it a minute at a time if you have to. I had to do that for a while it is ok. Do not try to rush the process. The only thing that will accomplish is more hurt and pain. BE patrient and kind to yourself. You deserve some self-love -and self-care.

((((Newme))))

Precious

September 17, 2008
8:05 pm
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readyforachange
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Hang in there all of you....I firmly believe in No Contact, and I know how hard it is at times. Take care of yourselves...

September 17, 2008
8:07 pm
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Thank you ready! That is very kind of you to offer your support. I really appreciate that.:)

How are you doing?

Precious

September 17, 2008
9:41 pm
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For all of us continuing to struggle, but want to have committment to the NO CONTACT --- step out into the world and outside of the enviroment we go crazy trying to control.

Start living a little at a time.

Went out to dinner with my son, fiance and her family. Something they do every Wednesday as a family and invited me the last two weeks. It gave me strength and hope that I can do this.

I am so agree with myself.

September 17, 2008
9:50 pm
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PreciousG
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That is so awesome Sad. And you are right we do have to step outside of our boxes a little at time. That is how I have been able to survive thus far anyway. Just a little at a time.

((((ALL OF US))))

Precious

September 18, 2008
6:24 am
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The thread I typed yesterday was when I was at my weakest. I found out on Monday and I went to my comfort zone. Torturing myself. There has always been other women, this is the only one he has not denied! He could be lying too, he did that constantly. Not only is he addicted to unhealthy vices he was abusive, more emotional, physical when I would finally BLOW! He would smile when I was on the last string of my life! He was a very evil man. I know in my heart she is getting no prize. She is in the charm process!

I am reading a new book the child within. I started some writing and I am also re-reading co-dependent no more AND therapy. I also talk to a very close friend that went through this process. I have great friends, but she's the only one I trust right now and she UNDERSTANDS. She also knows him. I wrote a letter to my higher power last night and seriously spoke to him. I have never done this before. It actually placed a smile on my face. I know there is someone there that truly loves me and wants the best for ME. I am right where I am supposed to be. I may have to thank my x for opening my eyes and forcing me to look at me. I knew the entire time I was with him IT WAS NOT RIGHT!

I woke at 5AM and my first though was not of him, it was of me, getting better. When I fell asleep last night I kept reapeating I want this, I need this (meaning self love). I did think of him shortly after, but they are not hurtful. I know he's in pain too and maybe someday I will feel bad for him. I am glad he jumped into another relationship becasue everytime I broke up with him (I would control him and insist he get help for drugs) he would constantly contact me and I would not seek the help I needed. I wanted to make sure he was getting sober. Then of course, I would take him back and it would start all over. This went on for 4 years 5 months. I don't think I could handle another reconciliation with him, I think this time I would die! I have two children and the books I am reading and the therapy is not only going to help me but my children too.

My daughter seen me crying and she asked why? I lied and told her I was fine. I then realized, I am teaching her NOT to grieve, I called her back into my room, let her see me cry and I held her and told her I was very sad about my x. I also told her he was not coming back and that it's okay to cry for someone you no longer want in your life. I told her you need to express how you feel or you will carry it forever.

I kept busy and that's what I need to do. I lived in a prison for years and now I have my freedom. I am going to start taking advantage of getting out and doing stuff, w/o the guilt or the phone blowing up asking where I am, then days later being accused of cheating and lying and god know what else went through his drugged out brain (paranoid).

I am on day 3 with no contact - I changed my cell 🙂 I have no intention of calling him. I could never handle rejection, so that's a good thing. I will never be rejected again. I have a new relationship with a higher power (god) and it's a great feeling. I never thought that I would actually do or say that. "I HAVE A HIGHER POWER AND HE LOVES ME" Now I need to work on really loving me!

I need to insist on changing my thinking and playing the movies in my head - I laughed because I had about 20 of my x and his new love and how they must have met, how they are moving in, how they are in lust, blah, blah, blah. We can do some serious thinking and get WAY off track.

Thank you everyone for your feedback and I know I will get better, it's my best revenge for those who like to hurt me. Hurt me no more!

September 18, 2008
6:39 am
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I am going to take your suggestion on breathing and not rushing this process. I started this process two years ago and I could not handle the pain, so I took my x back. I got the R/O because he was abusive and I did not want him to be able to contact me. I knew if he had contact I was risking my life! I should have extended it for a year, but I did not want to see him.

He also threaten to take me to court for his bed and ring. He is really an idiot. His brother was going to pick up the bed and never showed up or called. I held it for 7 days then put it in the trash. I have had that bed in my basement for years and I gave him ample notice to get it OUT. I also gave back "HIS RING" when he was on a bender accusing me of destroying someone's marriage (which is NOT true). I did nothing wrong and told him I wiould entertain the court room and his personal life would be exposed. His new gf works for an attorney (so he said) I told him to have her file the papers. There's her first red flag. I think that's what really got me going, the anxiety of going to court and seeing him. I know I am not strong enough at this time. UGH!!!!!!!

September 18, 2008
11:54 am
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Bramble
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hi,
We all know the awful pain that we have to endure from toxic relationships with people who do not deserve our love.
I was lied to, cheated on,stolen from and still I could not let go of him as I thought that I could change him.
The day came almost 2 1/2 years ago when I got out and stayed out. It hurt like hell, I lost 20lbs and felt as if I was dying and he could'nt have given a toss.
He eventually stopped trying to contact me 6 months ago,by which time I was well over the creep. The experience taught me a lot about myself and how to watch out for these dreadful people who just want to use us for their own ends and then discard sometimes without a word.
I doubt if they will ever be happy. Besides, who wants a person like that in their lives?
No Contact is hard at times but why invite more pain into your life? I am much happier now and am grateful for the joy and peace in my life which I would have never attained if I'd stayed with and got stuck with him.
Best wishes, Bramble

September 18, 2008
12:29 pm
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PreciousG
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((((Mewme)))

It sounds like you have plan and have some fabulous support around you. It also seems that you are startng to think musch clearer and have some boundaries in place. Great Self-care!

I was really touched by the ay you handled your daughter. That is wonderful. To me the most important part of this process and ensuring that we will heal is when we are truly honest with ourslves. Not only were you honest with yourself but with your daughter. You were ablt to see past the that moment and recognize the pain that dishonesty can have in the long run. What a great Mother you are.

Hug Yourself!

Precious

September 18, 2008
2:25 pm
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Bramble, thank you for letting me see the future. And that there is a time when you are over the toxic creeps. I have not felt feelings in so long, that it's almost unbearable. I know this is going to be a long process, or I may be surprised that it may come sooner. Just not today! I have other issues that I am working on so I don't get stuck in another toxic relationship. Therapy, AlAnon and possibly Group Therapy. I am reading self help books and posting here. I got the gift to finally reach out for help and do something for me. To meet my needs.

Precious - my daughter and son need to know it's okay to cry and to have feelings. I used to tell them to stop crying. WHY? Because that's what I was told to do by my mother and anyone I had a loving relationship with. Don't Feel was the message. I hate crying, and feeling pain, but if the end result is self love, then let the tears roll.

I did make contact today, I still had the mattress (which was not ruined). The reason I did this was for me! I want it out of my home and for there to be NO reason what so ever to contact me again. I feel better already knowing that I did the right thing and gave it back. I never used it. He did say that he might have put the ring in the kitchen. I will look. I told him that I would look for it and if found I would contact his mother. The ring means nothing to me and I don't want it. I do not want him back either, I know that, just by talking to him. I set myself and the guilt free by being honest and giving him his mattress. There are a few other items that I am giving back. Now there is nothing left YIPEE. As for him living w/ another woman - WHO CARES! It bothered me, but now that I am really setting myself free and being an honest person I feel so much better. Before I hung up I wished him luck with whatever it is that he does with his life and I meant it I also apologized for not being a loving girlfriend. How could I, I did not love me. The funny part is he never aplogized or wished me luck, in the past that would have pissed me off and sent me in a rage! Not today, I don't care if he's sorry or if he wants the best for me! I know what I want and need.

I will not be there while the items are being removed. I set up a plan for someone to be there and the stuff will be outside. I did not want to contact him but I needed to clear my head and give back what did not belong to me 🙂

If I kept the stuff I would have been harrassed and possibly taken to court (he loves the drama). And I wanted the guilt of not giving it back to go away. I am steering clear of the dram and moving on to where I need to be next.

Thank you everyone - I am not saying contact the x - but if it's going to set you free and not hurt, then do it and move on. Who cares what they think????? I don't want him back WOW, I don't miss him. I am not thinking crazy either. I will pray that the rest of my day stays like this and more days like it. It feels good to feel good!

September 18, 2008
7:30 pm
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2 days

September 18, 2008
7:37 pm
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lostagain27
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2 days is awesome sad! WTG!!!

September 18, 2008
8:26 pm
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WTG Sad!!!! Good for you! great self-care. 🙂

Precious

September 18, 2008
10:09 pm
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Way to go sad, I am back at 0. But tomorrow is another day.

I think today I finally accepted that it's over! I was excited about the feeling I had then I got sad and cried. There were some happy tears, and sad ones too.

He did come to get the last of his belongings. I thinks I may have wanted to keep them for control or sickly thinking - it may work someday. I also think I am feeling closure, which is a sad feeling and I cried again.

He took longer than expected and I did see him drive off my street and he seen me coming toward it. He waved. I panicked and took a sharp turn - I had the fear in my stomach. I waited around the corner until I knew it was safe.

I made the right choice today, I am feeling better and the thoughts are not running wild and the movies in my head are gone, for now!

I can't control what I can control. Now there is absolutely no reason for me to contact him EVER! I also know now that if he tries to contact me, it's for one reason only - to work it out. He can't use his things as an excuse anymore. I changed my cell number and blocked him from eamailing me. I am going to pray that my days get better. I don't mind a thought here and there but I do mind every waking moment thinking of him. It's enough to drive you insane. I realized all the things I did today we for me! Yes, he got his stuff, but I got so much more CLOSURE and peace in the head. All the voices are sleeping and probably pissed I shut them out too 🙂 LOL!!!!!

I will now tally my days of no contact and post how I am feeling.

Thanks for all your support and kind words. Off to bed, hope I can sleep!

September 19, 2008
6:51 pm
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I think that Iam around 43 days? But I have had the worst day ever! I came so close today to contacting him. I mean this close. But I didn't. I really want to contact him. This is really hard today.

September 19, 2008
7:24 pm
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Precious-

Hey hun, what happened that made you feel this way today? TAlk about it, I'm here. I really want to contact my ex too. I am fighting the urge now by writing here instead. I have had two anxiety attacks already today over this.

September 19, 2008
8:20 pm
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Day 1 - I HAD 29 then I had to give him the rest of his shit yesterday! I thought it was acceptance and closure yesterday!

I had a rotten/horrible day and have a headache so bad from all the thoughts. I hope he is having himself a good time w/ his new gf. I wish I could just go meet someone 3 weeks after an engagement and move on! He used to chase me when we broke up, but now he has someone else to meet his "N" needs. Not that I want him back. But I am sitting here feeling my feelings so I will NEVER get caught up with a "N" again! I have to do it right this time. I am too old to get into another codependant relationship. I can't change alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts, liars and cheaters.

I know everyone says this takes time and it's worth it. I want these feelings gone. It makes me want to have him back just so I don't feel. I feel worse when he's here, so I should be happy!

September 19, 2008
9:04 pm
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This is what I am dealing with! Thank you ladies...

I didn't start tripping until my ex wrote me on myspace. Now it makes sense... I blocked his annoying behind today!

My No Contact Policy starts now!

Cyber Hugs to All!

September 20, 2008
1:50 am
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I am at 29 whole days! I had to count them up from the last email encounter. I have to say you to feeling good and better about things and then WHAM out of nowhere they appear. It's funny how they can make you like crap again. I have had several good days. Well they were better than others so I have to say NO CONTACT is best!

Precious your count is getting terrific.

Pink you can do it girl! Just remember three whole weeks. You will be so proud of yourself

Sad its almost three hunny!

Newme 2 is great as well! Only b/c you had to give his shit back did 29 go away but after more days you will feel better. You deserve so much more than his N ASS!!! I have kept up with your story and i think you are doing truly amazing. I know it must hurt to seem him move on like that but you know what? He is just going to do the same to that girl and fist of all she has to be a pretty low person her self. you are so much better than the two them and just remember that! I believe in Karma and it's a total bitoch!!!

Mari good for you for blocking him! Keep him away from you for good hun!

((( TO ALL OF US)))

September 20, 2008
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Lost - thank you! My mind has been going CRAZY since Monday (first contact) and then he got his moldy mattress) Thursday. I have to remember how pathetic he is! I found a website and there were a couple of articles regarding "Is he Treating Her Better" what I read and experienced with him in the beginning he has ALL the traits. I have not been taking care of me. I have been so freking focused on him being happy. He probably is, but it's not going to last. He's getting his ego stroked and he was so needy even I could not stand him after 5 months. I also read why I stayed so long. THEY DON'T GIVE UP! Now that he's found someone I should be greatful (I am, but it still hurts and it's totally normal).

I thought I was going to loose my mind. I have been trying to locate a group therapy in my area and I am determined to find one this weekend. I have been told it helps along w/ therapy.

I wish I had found this and all the other sites/information a year ago. I broke up with him last August and he called and begged an promised to change. He did all the right things for 8 months and the MINUTE I surrendered I was right back to the insanity. This time it was worse. I wanted to die.

The only reason they won't let us go is beacause we stroked their egos. Once we mean what we say they try and try to break you down by calling, emailing, texting after a while or very soon they will find someone else to stroke their ego.

I really thought he loved me, I thought it was the drugs that made him lie and cheat. I realized it has nothing to do w/ drugs. He's just wired that way. Even getting sober, he would still be a cocky SOB and I did not realize it until last night. I don't want him back, and I don't want him happy. BUT I can't control that. Eventually I will feel bad for him because he will NEVER live life to the fullest like I am going to do. I am going to count my blessings and be greatful he's not calling and crying to me. I am now free from the "N".

I am going to try to stop being so hard on myself. I really like to beat myself up. Why do I hurt me so badly? Big world here I come 🙂

DAY 2 - NO CONTACT 🙂

September 20, 2008
11:04 am
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3.5 days

September 20, 2008
12:10 pm
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I can't seem to tell my h good-bye, even spoke on the phone with him today and found myself trying to placate his insecurity! ugh...thank god for this site. I'm hoping it helps me get honest finally..

September 20, 2008
3:36 pm
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4 DAYS
BAD DAY TODAY. CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT CALLING HIM. DUMB, I KNOW, BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO SHAKE IT.

September 20, 2008
3:57 pm
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sad-

Im with you sweetie! Today is my nieces birthday. A year ago today I met his parents. And he was supposed to come today. Even though wea re broken up, he was going to come. Not anymore though. He won't be there. I want to call him so badly to tell him how it goes.

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